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[[Image:Civilwar.jpg|thumb|A group of fine, just Confederate soldiers go out for a picnic and boccie ball tournament. Sadly, a group of Northern soldiers ambushed them shortly after this photo was taken.]] 

Also referred to as "The Great Unpleasantness", the War of Northern Aggression occurred [[at least 100 years ago]] between the North and South of the [[United States]].  Many, many people died, and they did so for one reason (contrary to [[common knowledge]]):  [[E-points]].  It is a great source of [[drama]] for many people in the South who still can't believe they lost, and gets great [[lulz]] from historians who debate endlessly about the causes of the war and the minuti[[ED is not|æ]] of the battles and battlefields of the war.

Some people are into a form of [[cosplay]] where they dress up like soldiers and "re-enact" the war.  They're not quite as bad as [[furries]], but it's still pretty disturbing.

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==The Players==

The war had a number of important figures on both sides.

===The North===

* '''[[Abraham Lincoln]]''' was the President. He was so divisive that, upon election, half the country jumped ship. Many [[conservatives]] wished the same after re-electing [[George W. Bush]], but to no avail. Lincoln was best known, however, for his enormous [[shit]]s. These large fecal presents were called "Lincoln Logs" by his detractors, and, today, [[13 year old boys]] play with them. Lincoln is also known for his famous battleform, Abraham Kingkong. In addition to being a hero to [[kike|yankees]] Lincoln was also a visonary who knew that niggers could never be equal to whites and should be sent back to [[Africa]]. 

* '''Ulysses S. Grant''' won a spelling bee in third grade after correctly spelling his name. In celebration, he went on a bender with some [[hookers and blow]], and dropped out. Lincoln, impressed by this ability to [[party hard]], made him the general of the Union army following the South's departure.

* '''George McClellan''' was another Union groupie. He sucked many a [[cock]] to get to his position as a general in the Union army. He would have sucked [[Quasidan's penis]] as well, but [[Quasidan]] was quoted as saying "Maybe when that [[black]] guy finishes scrubbing the deck."

* '''William Tecumseh Sherman''' was a [[batshit]] [[ginger]] who burned [[Atlanta]] and started the first Freaknick. [[KILL IT WITH FIRE|Sherman was responsible for singlehandedly spreading ruin throughout much of the South]], a fact which most Southerners are still really fucking bitter about.

* '''George Meade''' was the pussy bitch general at Gettysburg. By winning Gettysburg by sitting on his ass atop some gay hill, he proceeded to get his shit ruined by a weak Robert E. Lee while Lee was retreating across the [[4chan|stream of piss]] called the Potomac. Eventually he became the [[bitch|subordinate]] of Grant, who used him solely for [[BDSM]] adventures during the overland campaign.

* '''Denzel Washington''' was the result of affirmative action and the deepest ass pounding Abraham Lincoln ever received. Unfortunately monkeys can't use guns and he was an utter failure as a soldier so his good friend, Michael Jordan, suggested that he act in gay pornos. A year later, Spike Lee's ''Malcolm X'' was released. [[Noone]] knows the whereabouts of copies of ''Malcolm I'' through ''Malcolm IX''.

===The South===

* '''Jefferson Davis''' is the hero of the Confederacy.  Born to a [[rich and beautiful]] family, he grew up with all of life's luxuries and at least 20[[%]] of the South's slaves. Upon seceding from the [[United States]], the South elected him the President of the Confederate States of America. This caused a lot of [[drama]] with his [[homosexual]] college buddy, Lincoln, and honest Abe responded by driving his [[cock|ship]] [[in the ass|into Sumter's Fort]].

* '''Robert E. Lee''' was the Confederate general. He was colorblind, so ended up calling a lot of [[white]] people [[racist]] [[cracker|names]]. He enjoyed [[poetry]] and sending thousands of people to die for a noble cause.

* '''Stonewall Jackson''' was a [[batshit]] [[Christian]] [[fundamentalist]] who earned his nickname through his ability to stay [[erection|hard]] whether or not he was in battle or engaged in  multiple rounds of [[buttsecks]]. Later, [[faggots]] would admire this ability, so they named some bar where they staged a [[gay]] rally or some shit after him. Got [[pwned]] by his own troops.

* '''[[Slaves]]''' were a favorite of the South.  Slaves loved working for their kind Southern masters, and were rewarded with food rations.  One day, the North said "No more slavery," and the [[niggers|black folk]] who were the slaves said "[[fuck]] that" and went to war with their benevolent owners. [[Barack Obama]]'s ancestors were awarded the Medal of Honor for shooting Abraham Lincoln and then skull fucking him.

==How the War Turned Out==

The South got [[pwned]]. After Lee made the boneheaded move of challenging Meade to a game of Stratego at the Board Game Fair of Gettysburg 1864, he was forced to give up his entire army or face [[in the ass|buggery]] by [[Mark Twain]]. Upon seeing the size of Twain's [[penis]], he immediately waved the white flag in surrender.

The South, however, got the last laugh, when John Wilkes Booth went to the [[theater]] and, after making sweet, [[homosexual]] love to the entire cast of "Rent: Richmond, Virginia," shot Lincoln in the head. Booth later died, but not before being given [[ops]] in #FuX0rTheNorth. Historians unanimously agree that Booth did it for the lulz.

With Lincoln's death, the Southern slaveholders were pardoned, slaves had [[poor|no where to go]], so they came crawling back. But it was all good, because now they were whipped less, and called "sharecroppers" instead of "slaves".

[[Category: In Jokes]][[Category:Events]][[Category:Drama-generating techniques]]