The Swill Man
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| FAT ALERT
Do not approach this blogger without a big bag of cakes and pies on a long stick to distract him. Your life may be in danger otherwise. |
The Swill Man (aka Joey Migeed) is a fat, welfare-sponging, lol underage b& attention whore with an ego the size of several countries, who categorises himself into different blogs depending upon the self-declared importance of his thoughts. He declares himself to be "A teenager who is too intelligent for his own good."
Furthermore notable for outing himself as a gay pedophile before even being of the legal age of consent, which is supposed to be impossible.
TL;DR: Shota, Weeaboo, Basement Dweller, Welfare King, Unwarranted Self Importance, Masturbating over Will Robinson from Lost In Space
Contents |
Bloggy Doggy Doo
The Swill Man's blog, The Swill Zone, holds the following mission statement:
| —Four Teenagers Who Are Too Intelligent For Their Own Good |
"Swilly" demonstrates this intelligence in an interesting way. Remember when you bought an Intellivision instead of a Colecovision, or Betamax instead of VHS, or Saturn instead of Playstation, and you're STILL bitching about it like a faggot decades later? Joey's intelligence is displayed by him pulling this same shit over stuff which he is ACTUALLY TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER. For example:
Another way he likes to tell us that he is better than us is by pointing out that we have jobs, and he does not.
| —The Swill Man, enjoying his AIDS |
Joey's Big Break
In March 2008, Gary "Commander Zorg" Cutlack of the once-funny "Industry Blog" UK Resistance acquired Swilly to write updates for him. Under normal circumstances - to wit, given that UKR's average readership consists of sycophantic faux-nostagics who spend their lives straining at the leash for a change in the status quo at which to lash out - it was a case of lighting the blue touchpaper and waiting for the drama bomb to go off. However, like a benevolant God throwing icebergs of lulz from the heavens, he upped the ante by proceeding to resume his usual schtick on an all-new audience.
Only even more banal.
| —The Swill Man, saying... what, some things? About a game? What's for dinner? |
Imagine Their Delight
| —kevin |
| —Tomleecee |
| —friedlizard |
| —mentski |
| —garett |
| —The Swill Man |
| —Stefan Walters, CEO of Spong.com |
I Went Down Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
Having a blog where one self-rightously posts any old crap out of one's head is, of course, par for the course for the modern internets. Swilly, ever the one to distunguish himself, actually keeps a heirarchy of blogs for his thoughts which remain unexpressed through having no fucking friends.
Just to remind you, this is his "A-List" material.
| —Joey, Deacon. |
But no! He has a SECOND BLOG called "Read Only Or Random Access" which is dedicated to the thoughts he has which are too much "Tedious minutiae from my mind" to go on his REAL WINNING IMPORTANT blog!
"Neo-Kobe City."
Wait! There's More!
Inspired into action by Swill Man's sterling forays into the world of art and media, one lulzy anon has created a tribute blog called The New Adventures of The Swill Man, bravely snatching win from what was threatening to be a perilously unfunny train wreck. You have done a man's job, sir.
Media "Career"
Joey has released a number of CDs in his mercifully limited time on this unhappy little sphere; released, in this instance meaning (predictably) that he downloaded some MIDIs then spoke rhythmically into his webcam mic over the top of them before burning them to a CD and mailing it to all his Myspace friends.
His tracks Grandpa Is A Porn Star and I've Swung A Hammer At A Nail were played once - each - on Doctor Demento's internet radio show. Dr. D's website lists these as "The only know playings ever" of them. Presumably it means the only playing of them on a publically broadcasted show, but when shit is this awful one can never be sure.
He describes his work as "The first to acknowledge the novelty synth-pop genre in twenty years." This is welcome news to the rest of us, because it means that They Might Be Giants were just a really bad dream that we all shared.
Film And Television
An example of Swill's awexxome Youtube output. This one is claimed to be a "Parody of Japanese TV Commercials," which is odd because it's actually a fat American teenager stuttering awkwardly into a webcam. Coincidentally, many of Joey's videos have high-brow titles but consist of a fat American teenager stuttering awkwardly into a webcam.
Warning: Contains agonisingly forced knowingness and uncomfortable pauses that may cause your computer's mouse to melt through your desk in an attempt to escape the embarassment.
Sexual Deviancy
Joey began his career of self-promotion in the place a lot of people do - writing for the school newspaper. In Joey's case it was Cheetahzine, the circular of Chenery Middle School, Belmont, Massachusetts. One thing about his investigative photography made him distinct from his peers, though, and hinted at certain themes in his later life: it was all candid shots of childrens' bottoms.
 PANT PANT PANT PANT |
 They were not the only ones practicing shots when this picture was taken. |
I Want My Mumy
After playing the field for some years and coming to terms with his true nature, however, Joey's desires finally settled down and he chose his true amour. The apple of his eye with whom he would mate for life.
1960s child actor Billy Mumy.Swilly is OBSESSED with Mumy and can only cum if you wave the hose of a vacuum cleaner in his face and bellow "DANGER WILL ROBINSON! WARNING! WARNING!" This obviously presented a problem. Not only was Mumy damaged goods from being buggered senseless by Doctor Smith every week, but he had already shot his bolt playing the conch-headed submissive in Babylon 5 and was now a country singer with diabeetus.
The solution? Use the situation against itself and instead lust after getting his 17 year old shota ass chickenhawked by the object of his desires.
Drug Abuse
Joey has a serious problem with "hanky-panky" an imaginary drug that only he can see. He can only can see this drug whilst checking his emails in ancient email browser 'thunderbird' on his G3 pink iMac. For some reason he thinks checking his email is drinking... nobody knows why.
| —The Swill Man being a |
| —The Swill Man still being a |
Whilst Joey is under the influence of these imaginary substances he posts interviews with himself. Because we care Joey, we care so much.
ME: Hi JOEY YOU ARE SUCH A FAT BASTARD! Me: YEs I KNOW. I AM SUCH A FAGGOT ME: Lol. Yes YOU ARE. Me: Did YOU finish wanking to Cowboy Beebop? Me: Yes. I AM ALL OUT OF SPUNK NOW Me: lol. YES I BET YOU WISH you had a girlfriend Me: NO. Not really Me: WHy? Me: Because I LOVE MY MOM Me: We all LOVE Our MOMS Joey! Me: NO! I want to FUCK HER Me: REALLY? Me: YES Me: WELL SHE IS HOT ! Me: DO you remember when you caught the mailman screwing her? Me: YES. I GOT A BONER ME: lol. You said "boner" Me: I then HAD Sex WITH MY GameBOy Me: How Is That POSSIBLE? Me; Well You just Have sex with battery CASE Me; Your COCK must BE TINY! Me: YES! It is. Me: Oooooooooooooooh. SO DRUNK. Me: YES DRINKING IS COOL Me: I SMOKE WEED Me: GTA TEH ROCKS Me: SONY GAYSTATION ROFL Me: METAL GEAR SOLID-COCK! Me; Super Faggotry WORLD Me; SONIC the WEEDHOG Masdjk22222222222222222222222222222ednjksdnczkj
Chelsea
Chelsea is the centre of The Swill Man's unwanted attentions. She is 17 and LUVS AVRIL LAVIGNE!! The Swill Man has tried spying on her on many occasions, but due to being a fat bastard has been easily spotted on all of those occasions. She is interested in trying anal sex because she thinks it would 'neat' and she wouldn't get pregnant again that way. The Swill Man thinks that one day Chelsea will appreciate his intellegence and marry her one day. He doesn't know that she has actually slept with every boy at their college apart from him, even the boy/girl who is the only person who admires Joey.
Gallery of Delicious, Fappable Chelsea
|
 She's mine Joey! |
 Chelsea with a boy who isn't The Swill Man :-*( |
 SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE |
 Screencap from College Sluts 4 |
 THE SWILL MAN LIKES HER BREASTS. ^_^ |
 IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE TO BAKE A PRETTY CAKE |
 |
 Face it, you'd go to prison for this. |
 |
 |
S E E Quine
'S E E Quine' is the only known friend of The Swill Man that doesn't exist in his imagination. It's a bit hard to tell whether it is a very unlucky girl or a very unlucky boy. But what can be gathered is that s/he has the hots for The Swill Man and is after his anal cherry. S/He is the only person not taking the piss to post comments on his blog. Curiously, s/he also writes three equally dire blogs. It's a match made in heaven, if only our friend Swill could realise his/her advances.
| —S E E Quine demonstrating what needs to happen to you before you can understand the swill man's genius |
Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass On Your Way Out
As of Last Thursday Cuntlack is quoted as saying "I've deleted his account. He hasn't asked why, and we haven't spoken since."
Pictured right is Chelsea kindly responding to Anon informing her via email of Joey's feelings for her.
External Links
- Bloggus Primus
- Bloggus Secondus
- UK:Resistance (Warning: Currently experiencing meltdown of hatred for Swilly)
- Myspace
- Swill's impersonator; MUCH funnier than his real posts
- CHELSEA!! =) She LUVS Joey!! =)
- Swilltube
- S E E Quine - the transexual after Swill's anal cherry
- Blogger Account
- Fail Website
- Listen to all Joey's songs for free here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah.
- Yahoo profile
"Swill Records"LOL DEFUNCT
- Email: crazyjoey@gmail.com
- AIM: sonicsonicsega
