Swine Flu
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Swine flu (a.k.a. pig AIDS, burrito blight, or enchiladapocalypse) is permabanning everyone from IRL, just like bird flu was doing from 2004 to 2008, SARS did in 2003, and swine flu 1.0 did in the 1970s. Many current media reports are saying that the US Government did it for the lulz.
As of late April 2009, swine flu has killed at least 100 and infected over 9,000 Mexicans. The disease coincidentally broke out after Mulatto Jesus visited our neighbors in the south to reassure his Mexican counterpart Felipe Calderon that the U.S. was intent on eliminating violent drug cartels waging turf wars on each other and victimizing innocent beaners with American-made tools of liberation.
Yes, President Barack Obama is the initial vector; pumped full of Tamiflu, he's turned himself into a weapons-grade walking biological weapon to slow beaners down as they reclaim Aztlan from the U.S.A., distracting US citizens from his own plans to just give the place away. Obama's host and tour guide keeled over and died just after he'd visited a local museum.
Some jerks that helped make the economic mess and currently control NYC claim that all of North America is fucked, because Canada and Columbia are already infected. GG Mexican pigs.
Oh noes! There is a Mexican toddler who died in the U.S.A. after being flown to a hospital here!!!
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Symptoms and How it Kills You
Symptoms
Don't laugh. It's very likely that you've already contracted it and will be dead within a week.
- Headaches
- Chills
- Fever
- Cough/sore throat
- Joint and muscle pain
- Lack of appetite
- High blood pressure or low blood pressure
- Fatigue
- Seizures (rarely)
- Abdominal pain, gas and diarrhea
- Acne
- Broken heart
- Anger
- Black president
Of course all of these are just symptoms of every fucking disease known to man but would also be considered symptoms that Mexicans normally have. Once you start craving truffles and snorting like a pig, you're done for.
Progress of the Illness
Swine flu is known to have four stages (five if you count the postmortem zombie stage) of illness.
Stage one has no discernible symptoms, although the victim is walking dead. Blood pressure shows unusual variations, and “wagon wheel” incubator cells are present in the sputum. The flu is detectable through blood samples, and if it's treated at this stage, there is a 98% survival rate.
Stage two resembles the common cold, with mild symptoms such as nasal discharge, sneezing and coughing. A low-grade fever may be present. Many in this stage do not limit their activities; they continue to shop, travel, or work, freely spreading the flu. If you see a doctor during this stage, your chance of survival is 50%. If you see anyone showing these symptoms, be sure to exercise your second amendment rights before the filthy swine has a chance to infect you or others.
Stage three at the start may resemble asthma, bronchitis, influenza, or mononucleosis. The cold-like symptoms of stage two become more severe. The victim develops chills, high fever, swollen lymph glands, dizziness, weakness, and painful urination. Most infected in this stage go to bed or try to see a doctor. Late in this stage, the illness becomes more like pneumonia; a few show delirium, screaming "OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, OH WRYYYYY!!1!" just before entering the fourth and terminal stage. Chances of survival are around 22% if it's treated.
Stage four resembles pneumonia, bubonic plague and, in some cases, hemorrhagic fever. Breathing becomes difficult and the face, neck and groin swell up like the Michelin man. Swollen areas turn purple, then black. The victim discharges much mucus, often bloody, and shits dicks out of his or her nipples. Fever is extremely high, and delirium is common. The infected in this stage are immobilized in most — but not all — cases; as in the earlier stages, any caregiver will be infected unless he or she is immune. Death is usually caused by respiratory failure. At this point, there is a 0.1% survival rate.
Bonus Round
Stage five is the bonus round where you get to come back as a zombie and attack your relatives.
- Reanimation. Yes, like zombies: it must be true because it's on the BBC's official site.
Progress of the Pandemic
In its first weekend, the swine flu swept through Mexico City, but no significant changes were noticed. The Mexican government then proceeded to shit adobe bricks and started a massive operation to control the disease. Needless to say the swine flu is now a worldwide concern and containment efforts in Mexico have largely been abandoned. It has been reported that within a minute of this information being released, Madagascar has closed its only port.
In just a few days, swine-flu cases were spotted in half of western Europe, Russia, and New Zealand, with panics just about everywhere else, and within a week, nearly every country in the Americas has been infected. WMF slaves are covering the progress of the pandemic here and Wikipedophiles are maintaining a running tally of deaths and a list of infected nations.
Mexicans are always illegally immigrating from Mexico to America, Japan, Canada, and anywhere else they can, so the CDCs have issued a warning for all Americans to cut their own grass.
| Encyclopedia Dramatica Commonwealth Nations That Have Fallen To Swine Flu |
|---|---|
| Losers | Austria | Canada | China | Denmark |England | France | Germany | Ireland | Israel | Italy | Mexico | Netherlands | New Zealand | Peru | Scotland |South Korea | Spain | Switzerland |
| Rejects | Costa Rica | Hong Kong |
The Government Did It
How could it ever have come to pass that a pig could have been infected with four completely different strains of influenza at the same time? Well obviously it was part of the massive conspiracy of the Illuminati, who need to pare down the population to clear the way for the New World Order. Need some proof? Have no fear, Alex Jones is here:
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Previous Video | Next Video |
TL;DW: the government made this to kill us all, and I'll pull some pre-WTC crap out of my ass to prove it.
| —Leo Gold, speaking in the 2000 video game, Deus Ex. |
Hal Turner was saying much the same thing, or even worse. He released a video of random underground images, including a GE mag-lev test train from the 1970s, stating that it could exceed Mach 1, and was all built by the U.S. government to protect "high-ranking officials" from a WMD attack. Hal has also suggested that the Swine Flu was created to solve the U.S. immigration problem.
The WHO's Present & Past Positions
Present Position
Past Position
Future Prediction
- June 2009: Swine flu epidemic reaches its peak. 1/4 of the American population is dead. After making billions of dollars by selling vaccines that don't even work, the drug companies still receive bailouts from the president. Civil unrest develops when an anonymous senior official leaks word that President Obama and have caught the virus and hence America should redo the 2008 election by nigger rigging it (bad pun).
- February 2010: America remains as the only world power after nuking other countries infected with the swine flu. The economy has collapsed and swine flu is still claiming hundreds each day. Radical constitutionalist militias, disenfranchised blacks, and womyn dying for gay marriage begin a new war. Half of the top brass of the U.S. military defect to join the "Citizen's Republic of America" or C.R.A. to combat the ongoing faggotry in the US.
- May 2010: After a bloody civil war, the C.R.A. takes control of Washington D.C. The president and many members of Congress are executed live on TV in front of the White House. The C.R.A. is seen as liberating the people from corrupt politicians and Washington elitism.
- December 2010: America has now become an isolationist country under the control of the C.R.A. Swine flu is going under due to "harsh but necessary preventative techniques". America has also begun tapping into its own resources and has become fully self-sufficient.
- April 2011: Due to America's isolationism, China's economy collapses, taking most of the rest of the world down with it. China's Communist Party begins plans to invade the U.S., as they believe the newly established C.R.A. regime is weak.
- July 2011: China attacks Japan. Other nations attempt to help, but fail. America under the C.R.A. does nothing. After the fall of Japan, Russia slips back under communist rule and realigns itself with China, which also shifts back to a commie path so that it can sap and impurify America's precious bodily fluids.
- November 2011: Pakistan gives itself up to the Taliban, whose buddies smuggle three thermonuclear devices into Israel. All fail, but Israel sends nukes into every town and city it can hit in the rest of the world.
- Eve of Mayan world's end, Dec. 21st 2012: At exactly 11:59 PM, China and Russia launch their remaining ICBMs at the C.R.A. The C.R.A. responds by launching their remaining ICBMs. World War IV or V begins.
- December 22nd, 2012: Game over for the world.
- However, you can just look at the story of Deus Ex.
Lest We Forget: The Stephen King Ending
- February 14th, 2013: After successful eradication of the human race, Stephen King emerges as the grand conspirer of the swine flu virus. Engaging in buttsecks with millions of dead people across the planet, and absorbing their personal essences, Stephen King gains the powers of the most powerful saiyan warrior ever, Goku. Goku and Stephen King will battle epically for 666 years.
Goku will take the Dragon Balls into his mouth, and defeat Stephen King with the Kamehasutra Beam, thereby winning a fight of Catnarok proportions.
But is there a cure?
Luckily, there is one known cure. Oinkment.
Gallery
| Gallery Pertaining To The Recent Influenza Virus Strain Originating From Israel | ||||||||||||
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See Also
External Links
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Swine Flu is part of a series on Diseases and Disorders. |
