Half-Life 2
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Half-Life 2 is a first-person shooter developed by Valve Corporation. It is mostly used as a platform for socially-stunted gamers to play Counter-Strike.
The game is based on the adventures of a cardboard cut-out named Gordon Freeman. After the events of the first game, Gordon Freeman was kidnapped and raped in oblivion for at least 100 years by G-man, ended up on a train heading for City 17. City 17 and the entire world are controlled Dr.Br33n, a local pedophile and war-monger. He spends his days blabbing about shit on giant screens, eating the flesh of his enemies, and rounding up all the kids in the world to his secret lair (ergo there are no children in the game). Gordon then gets kidnapped by an alcoholic and is subjected into revolting against the relatively peaceful regime. He goes on an adventure for 2 days, meeting Morgan Freeman and his half-black daughter, psychotic fundamentalists, English buccaneers, and eventually goes back to City 17 and pwns Br33n's sorry ass. Unfortunately, G-man (who had been stalking Gordon for the entire game) captures him again and the game ends. Wow, that shit is so profound.
Here's the progression of the game: you start off with an actually pretty neat walk through Shitty 17, and then a little while later you're in a sewer for over an hour. Then you have to ride a hovercraft and you're like "Wow, coolness! Thank Jesus fucking Mary Magdalene on a bed made out of win I'm out of those fucking sewers!" And it almost immediately gets old, then you proceed to ride the hovercraft around for a million fucking years. Repeat formula for the rest of the game: 10 minutes of cool shit followed by 3 hours of boring shit until the typically anticlimactic shit ending.
Half-Life 2 pioneered new, groundbreaking storytelling technique. Rather than making you sit around doing jack shit during overlong, shitty cutscenes, the game lets you walk around during overlong, shitty cutscenes.
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Episode One
Valve realized they had just made gamers play 10 hours of a game with an alleged story without actually providing any story whatsoever, so they start trying here, and in exchange this one is consumed with running around in variably boring-ass dark places as your bitch follows you around and says "Wow! Look at that thing!" every two minutes. The game delivers a half-assed ending and left fans/noobs waiting on the second episode, which we all know is shit.
Episode Two
The creators of Half-Life figured that if they were able split the sequel into 3 pieces, they could sell your soul to Satan. Unfortunately, this did not work, and they ended up selling their own souls at 5% interest. Oh well.
Steam
The game is run by Steam, which means that most people will bash their monitors in the first 5 minutes of download (if they don't tear their arms off first). The Steam client won't let you play any game- even games with absolutely no online capabilities- unless you have an Internet connection. They try to trick you into buying your games again by claiming that your games are pre-loads and your account is faulty. This works on the typical Steam user. Steam(ing pile of shit) means that its not up to hydrogen yet. Damn six years of work. This is also the future of DRM (digital rights management)...fucking buggier than an entire swarm of dickants.
Typically for most trailer park dwelling fucktards, the idea of "ending a process" and restarting the client is far too advanced for them. Better take that CS III class.
Videos, Fanfic crap and Video Reviews
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Previous Video | Next Video |
Gallery
 Episode 2 - The hentai expansion |
 Episode 2 IRL Headcrab |
 Episode 2 introduces the new enemy: the Michael Advison. |
 OMFG PERVERT INBOUND!!11 |
 OM NOM NOM |
 In-Game expressions |
 Gordon's father |
See Also
External Links
- Mininova.org- Christmas come early? lulz
- Official Half-Life 2 Website filled with goatse
- Half-Life 2 CD CRACK
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Half-Life 2 is part of a series on Gaming |
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