Candy
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Candy, aka (cute_playful_wolf), is a seriously disturbed Down's Syndrome patient fucktard who taps on keyboards and can move a mouse, despite profound mental retardation. She is exceedingly ugly, but refuses to allow her disgusting excuse for a visage act as a hindrance in her desire to be an amateur internet pornstar. Her ugliness was no impediment to Dani Faulk, who had sexual relations with her during his single attempt to be heterosexual.
Her notoriety generally stems from the "shock" that occurs when her long, foam-like flat breasts make their first appearance on webcam. They resemble a pair of clear gallon-size Ziplock bags that have been filled with Shit, piss and rotten furries. One can only imagine that the accompanying stench is comparable to something akin to a steeping brew of Gummi Bears, human waste, Mountain Dew, and balsamic vinegar.
From her poorly-lit bedroom in her aging parents home, and utilizing a cheaply purchased webcam, Candy performs various acts of self-gratification. These acts range from slapping her breasts with a nearby flyswatter to encouraging her toy poodles to dine on canned Dinty Moore Beef Stew that has been stuffed in her foul fuckparts.
All of this takes place in live web shows, much to the delight of of her two regular viewers.
Contents |
Zoology
As a child, Candy was quite adorable, and resembled one of the Olsen twins. It seems her genes were somehow spliced with that of the water buffalo with which she copulated. However in lieu of horns, she sprouted an extensive cranial ridge. Mapping this ridge has become the subject of more than one Doctoral candidate's dissertation.
Attempts to identify Candy using UCLA's usual nomenclature for classifying land mammals just barely makes the mark of primate, just sliding over into 'Plant' due to ugliness and the fact she never moves from her computer.
A Goldmine for Bacteriologists and Advanced Moneran Studies
Further studies have revealed that Candy plays host to vast colonies of parasitic, fungal, and bacterial life forms heretofore unknown on the planet (which proves the plant theory). These newly discovered creatures can be found within the folds of her flesh, apparently, but noone is enough of a sick fuck to check. Not even you
Defense against predators
When faced with an aggressor, she can emit an ear-piercing scream that has been known to shatter the inner ear of would-be predators. Candy is also known for wild changes in temperament in which she lashes out, unprovoked, in what some zoologists refer to as "an orgy of violent primate-like behavior". This is normally aimed at any male with enough decency to reject her. She has been seen on several occasions to hoot and posture while throwing fecal material at the object of her dismay.
Fur Fetish
Originally, Candy had tried to pose as "wolf kin", but was quickly rejected from the yiffing community after:
- Repeatedly shitting in her fur suit
- Looking like a retard
- Getting B& from /b/ for ugliness
- Tieing herself to her computer and refusing to leave until everyone faps to her
- Hitting the admin who tried to deroot 'her'. (Debatable, as 'she' may belong to the plant genus).
- Eating out of the toilet
- Going on Myspace
- Actually failing to create a Myspace account
- Mongling Cockmongler
- Especially for reading the first letter of the last 7 reasons
Paganism:1
Candy is the most well-known actual toad and slut to frequent the Paganism:1 chatroom and thus deserves to be immortalized on ED. Making an entry for her here brings down the quality of people so immortalized considerably.
Currently, Candy is playing dead from the Diabeetus after she fell from glory in P1.
