Alcoholics Anonymous
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Alcoholics Anonymous is an international fellowship of men and women who are non-boozers and are afraid to admit it to the general populace.
Contents |
What is A.A?
In 1934, Bill Wilson ran out of beer money. He slowly collected other butthurt christfags to sit around and compare life experiences. To mine lulz from a RL meeting takes an exceptional amount of skill. Luckily for you, the internets have brought the fun to your keyboard. Step right up and test your strength!
| —Homer J. Simpson |
It is drama-filled, generally court-ordered (Remember that time you tried to rape a police officer after putting 40 ice cold beers away? Thought not.) and available almost everywhere (except for any fine establishments that stock delicious + refreshing alcoholic beverages). There are no age or education requirements, just dedication to the finest sport known to mankind: drinking yourself into fucktarded oblivion.
Some professionals refer to alcoholism and drug addiction as “substance abuse” or “chemical dependency.” We prefer to call it "lulz". Nonalcoholics are, therefore, sometimes introduced to A.A. and encouraged to attend A.A. meetings - making it surprisingly easy to pick up anything (or anyone, they're all drunk) you want. Hookers and blow are kept on ice for emergency party situations. Anyone may attend open A.A. meetings, but only those who really like to get down and drink hard may attend closed meetings.
What Does A.A. Do?
The actual program of A.A. revolves around giving up your life to a God. The theory being that if you give yourself up for God to fix he'll give enough of a shit to do it. This cunningly enables A.A. Members to blame all their problems on God, as it's His fault they still drink. A.A. members share their experience with anyone seeking help with a drinking problem; they give person-to-person service or "sponsorship" to the alcoholic coming to A.A. from any source - helping you become a more efficient boozehound in the process. The A.A. program, set forth in our Twelve Steps, offers the alcoholic a way to develop a satisfying life filled to the brim with alcohol.
Hidden video of a real meeting.
Cult? What cult?
How to troll Alcoholics Anonymous
- Bring a flask
- Take drink orders
- One-up every 'rock bottom' story
- Use only liquor-related nicknames (Jack Daniels, Jim Beam)
- Repeatedly ask what atheists are supposed to do about step 2
- Insist on last names
- Tell them the whole meeting feels 'a little cult-like'
- Mention that the disease/powerlessness concept is flawed and merely an excuse to avoid taking personal responsibility for having hurt others. Accuse them of believing what they believe because it makes them feel better, not because it's the truth.
- Insist that step 8 (making amends) is borne out of a desire for self preservation rather than sincere regret.
- Mention that your higher power, Jesus Christ, believes humans have free will and drinking is a sin and a choice. When they suggest you choose a different higher power, insist they are in the grasp of Satan as they are contradicting the word of God (do your research on this).
- Tell them that your higher power is Dionysus, god of wine (Or similar. Satan will suffice in a pinch). When they insist you change higher powers, accuse them or religious intolerance.
- Tell them that you drink occasionally but are not an alcoholic. Say a relative has insisted you go to an AA meeting and you're just doing it to satisfy them. Watch as they accuse you of being in denial. Mention denial in AA as being a Catch 22 similar to dunking a witch (the more you deny it, the more it's evidence you are an alcoholic).
- Try to get a straight answer as to why a higher power is required to quit drinking.
- Amateur stand-up routines when it's your turn at the mic
- Cough "Step 13" at every woman in the meeting
- Ask if there are alternatives to AA (or insist there are and list them).
See Also
- Alcoholic
- Rehab
- Never drinking again
- Hangover
- The Al-Anon LJ Community. Dramatic, yet sadly troll-free at this point in time.
- The Actual Official Alcoholics Anonynous Home Page.
- God grant me the serenity to troll an online AA meeting
