Onideus Mad Hatter
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit User_Talk:Flippant.
Please see this article's Talk Page for a glimpse of Fatter in full meltdown-mode
Onideus Mad Hatter (Powerword: Matthew Moulton, aka Sad Fatter, Moultard, Farfoos, Baby Julie, and b& ED socks Triskaidekaphobia and recently Flippant) is the Internet equivalent of a Renaissance Man, i.e. a fat fucking failure. His main claims to fame are a Sarah Palin-like level of relentless lying about his accomplishments, and a pathetic and desperate amount of posting in certain forums - for example, in a Portal of Evil forum dedicated to making fun of him, he made over a thousand posts a month for six months in a row until he was finally banned. To date he has made almost 45,000 inane posts on a single Usenet group, alt.2600. His time is clearly valuable, so these weren't one-liners, but massive butthurt textwalls filled with shit grammar and emoticon abuse worthy of a 13 year old girl. But the rabbit-hole of failure goes deeper... much deeper.
The egregious Moultard variously claims to be a world-class coder, a Flash wizard, a graphic designer, a master troll and all kinds of other ludicrous assertions. In the cold cruel world of reality he's a friendless 26 28-year old babyfur and Carebears fan who worked the night shift (in diapers) at Dairy Queen (where he claimed to be the manager) before being dismissed in 2007, whereupon he went to work at Walmart. Moulton loves to call himself an Inventory Control Specialist, but the world knows him as a Shelf-stocker. He gets quite upset indeed when he is forced by the Man to help his lessers in the pallet unloading crew.
He recently bragged about his Walmart salary that "I make over $100 a day"; this seems to be quite the pay cut from his previous job, as he claimed to make $60/hr (about $125,000/yr) at Dairy Queen, making him the highest-paid fry cook in DQ history. It should surprise no one, therefore, that he owns a $4,000 hat.[1] His well-earned reputation for truthfulness and objectivity leaves little room for doubt of any of this.
The Hatter likes to spend his spare time being a cunt on the Internet, filling his diaper, and pretending to run a half-assed "web design" business called "Backwater Productions" despite knowing less about web design than a 12-year old AOL user with Downs. He loudly insists that he is a master troll, and when Portal of Evil discovered that he was a member of multiple adult baby communities, he came up with the risible claim that his ten years as a member of these Usenet groups was all a "setup" to a massive future trolling event. Obvious lie is obvious, you sick fuck.
His many delusional fantasies of his own achievements include the supposed creation of a new video codec which he calls Interpixel Cascade Fusion (never actually completed or even demo'ed ever); the world-shaking discovery of alpha-transparent video (which the real world discovered in about 1970); and something called a perfect liquid website which is probably some kind of slang for extremely runny diaper play - no one really knows because he hasn't finished it. He also claims to be one of the greatest Flash designers alive, despite the inconvenient fact that 99 percent of his supposed genius coding is in non-working "under construction" versions (see a pattern developing?). Hatter also loves to make empty threats about how he'll hack various websites that have ignored or mocked or banned him, but to no one's surprise, has never manages to carry any of them out.
He also prides himself on his incessant posting to dusty old Usenet Groups (or "froups" as they're called by the profoundly retarded) like it's some kind of amazing accomplishment and all the non-crazy folk didn't abandon Usenet at least 100 years ago. He is probably devoted to Usenet because it is not possible to be banned from it, which is why the whole thing is a mess of trolls and spammers which no sane person bothers to visit. His Usenet sig is the longest in history, consisting of over 60 lines of Hatter self-quotes in a pathetic attempt to look k3wl.
He's the world's most expert programmer (just ask him), but loudly claims to prefer his Wal-Mart job because it is more fulfilling to put boxes on shelves all day for peanuts. When a senior engineer at Microsoft questioned his expertise, he submitted as evidence a program he'd written in C++. Unfortunately, he neglected to compile it as a release build -- so the debug information was included -- and when run under the debugger it revealed itself to be homework for a beginning C++ class.
The general consensus is that he should stick to his core competencies of pedophilia and menial labor.
[edit] Moultard vs. Portal of Evil
Hatter started posting at the Portal of Evil back in late 2003 after some gay fucking anime site got listed, and after witnessing fatty's extreme cuntiness, Kthor decided to list Moulton's own "website" on the Portal.[2] He soon proceeded to rack up thousands of futile and idiotic posts, most of which were deleted by the admin Chet when fatty was banned. He provided much lulz to the regulars by furiously defending how important his job was as a fry cook at Dairy Queen, asserting that he was the "equivalent" of management because he sometimes manned the store alone during off-hours, and that he did the work of several people at once because he was so incredibly efficient.
Hatter was allowed to creep back under a new alias in 2005, under which he managed to make another 3,000+ posts full of nonsensical babble and retarded catchphrases. It was, admittedly, morbidly interesting to watch Hatter flail about as he so desperately tried to convince himself that he was something other then an overweight, blubbering, rancid mass of butter, but all good things must come to an end and his unsightly grease-soaked ass was finally booted from PoE in late December 2006.
He then returned to his usual haunts on Usenet where he denounced Chet, PoE, and Kthor in a series of dumb and screechy posts and suspected everyone of being a "Poetard".[3]
On July 1st 2007 Chet's flakey Portal of Evil code suffered a massive failure and let the fat fuck log in again.[4] However, he was soon ejected and as usual withdrew to Usenet where he vowed buttery revenge:
Naturally he failed to actually make good on any of these threats. If talk is cheap, 6,000+ posts on a message board dedicated to making fun of you must be the steepest volume discount of all time.
Hatter is currently posting on PoE as user "Your_Daddy"[6] and while not defending practitioners of bestiality, he furiously denies that he's the Fatter though of course his retarded catchphrases and juvenile spelling are a total giveaway.
[edit] Virginity? Intact!
Despite being willing to make absurd false claims about all kinds of things, Fatter becomes curiously evasive when asked about his sex life.
This is the proper response to anything he says, in any context, ever: "You are a 28-year-old virgin who stocks shelves at Walmart."
[edit] PoE Gallery
 Read this epic tale from the trenches of Walmart... |
 Then this. |
 Another PoE response |
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[edit] A Dark Past Catches Up With Our Hero
After making such a colossal lolcow of himself on Portal of Evil, Kthor and the other PoE regulars started to do some digging through the Usenet groups that Fatter proclaimed were so superior to what he called the "Webbies". The search proved fruitful, to say the least...
 lol fatty |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
 WHAT |
So yeah, it turns out Moulton is a babyfur, adult baby, needs to wear a bra because of his moobs and deliberately wears diapers so he can shit on himself.
There are like a million more like these, just seach using any of his aliases - Baby Matthew, Farfoos, etc.
[edit] Moultard vs. ED & Wikipedia, with a special guest appearance by The Reaver
When he discovered this article, Hatter made over 9000 attempts to either delete it or change it to a absurdly complementary article about himself which he had written. After his various socks were b& by ED admins, he created the same article on Wikipedia and then furiously threatened to DDOS Wikipedia's servers after their mods baleeted it. Of course, this threat was never carried out because he's a flabby coward.
| —Onideus Mad Hatter |
"The Reaver" is a spambot Hatter claims to have written to inflict his terrible vengence on a world that has rejected him; he's threatened Wikipedia and ED with it, but of course it doesn't exist or he would have actually used it.
Later, Matthew completely contradicted himself by writing the following in the comments section of the New York Times troll article:
| —Onideus Mad Hatter |
Of course, after "goading us" into creating this article he then blanked it a bunch of times... ALL PART OF THE PLAN GUYS. Wait... what?
[edit] Moultard vs. Something Awful
Like all wannabe trolls the Moultard joined Something Awful in a valiant attempt to wreak vengeance upon them after his favorite babyfur forum got mentioned by SA[7] and of course got banned by Lowtax[8] before one could say "GTFO YOU FAT BASTARD". As ever, vengeance was sworn:
[edit] Fatty vs. SASS
Recently, everyone's favorite Wal-Mart employee went to SASS and repeated the same performance he gave everywhere else, except this time they let him stick around for the lulz. SASS systematically tore down every claim Matty ever made, including "hacking" and "destroying" SA and PoE, his perpetual motion machine, and his 1337 coding skills. One SASShole even took a good look at his GOD-LEVEL coding and tried to make it work, which resulted in the server that Fatter's stupid website was hosted on to crash. Blubbering with rage, Fat Hatter did what any butthurt Tartlet would do and dug up the TOS for SASS's provider, threatening to destroy everything. SASS just rolled their eyes and kept laughing at him.
Recently Matt has been getting visibly pissy because SASS hasn't awarded him with the big payoff of a ban, which with his fucked-up logic equates to a win. His new tactic is to claim that his hacking threats on SA, PoE, Wikipedia, and ED are just a delusion created by the SASS hivemind followed by accusing members of SASS to leveling death threats at him while namedropping the FBI. They called Matt out on his bullshit lies, repeatedly requesting him to link to the posts containing said threats. True to form, he quickly made several attempts to dodge the question and change the subject.
Mad Hatter also revealed the true current extent of his education: He's certified to operate an electric pallet jack, an accomplishment that he is inordinately proud of.
Lulz seen here,here,here,and here (all way tl;dr)
[edit] Matty vs. Thermodynamics
Or, The Perpetual Moulton Machine
In the fall of 2008 Moulton announced to the mighty intellects of Usenet that he was applying for a patent. Was it for the revolutionary Interpixel Cascade Fusion? Nooooo! Was it the perfect liquid website? Nooooo. It was, in fact, for a "geomagnetric resonence energy generator" (sic) (see here). Or in normal English, a perpetual motion machine.
| — |
Since Hatter is as ignorant as the day is long, he doesn't realize that the US Patent Office no longer awards patents for crazy-ass perpetual motion machines without proof that they work, i.e. never, and that him calling his woo-woo device a "perpetual energy drive" is not the cunning ploy he thinks it is.
[edit] Fatter vs. Beans
In November 08 Fatter graced dramachan, and Onideus was suddenly faced with his greatest foe: a bombardment of BEANS. This is probably the best way of dealing with Onideus, and beans are far more interesting than anything that slips his shitsucking lips. You can feel his rage gathering in retaliation to having a mere vegetable placed upon a pedestal way above him, so watching him acknowledge that the general public places him below a vegetable in a popularity contest is a most satisfying past time indeed(especially when he panics and tries to boast about his LOLORIGINAL care bears script and cookie cutter rpg in the making). WARNING: This thread will make you hungry for delicious beans.
[edit] Hatter Speak
The Hatter possesses its own corrupt and degenerate jargon which may cause confusion in those unfortunate enough to encounter one of his posts.
- Interpixel Cascade Fusion - masturbation
- alpha-transparent video - masturbation
- perfect liquid website - masturbation
- netter - masturbator
- froup - circlejerk
- cl00 - cock
[edit] Quotes
- The retards who run around pretending to have jobs making bazillions of dollars (whilst posting to the Interwebs 24/7) are trying to say that I'm stupid for making money off their idiocy in the form of ad banners on my sites. LOL (durr, what is "adblocking"?)
- ...if I had cancer I would simply create a means to deal with it myself, patent it, build it and obliterate the nuisance. To me, getting cancer would be more of an insignificant bother than anything. I also work best under pressure of deadlines, so it wouldn't take long to cure it.[9]
- I'm supposed to be some kind of a genius...least that's what people tell me.[10]
- I've often said, my will is without any doubt *THE* most powerful force that exists within the universe. I have no proof of it per se...but I don't need proof, it is an unfaltering belief, as deeply rooted and ingrained as a preacher who believes in God, *I KNOW* it is true and it is within me at ALL times, it *IS* me. `, )[11]
- Come on down to Wal*Mart over in Walla Walla sometime, Kiddo, you'll see what it means to work if ya see me. Free cl00, I'll be the guy breakin a sweat and moving at break neck speed to put stuff on the shelves...of course even then you won't get to see REAL work, like when we get two trucks in and I go and help the stock men unload. Working 13+ hour shifts isn't unusual and my regular schedule hours are from 11 am to usually 9 pm...that's a 10 hour shift, Fruitcake. What the fuck do you work? Eight hours? LOL
- As far as a "career", Wal*Mart certainly is not a career for me, my *ART* is my career and working at Wal*Mart gives me the greatest level of creative freedom.
- Has anyone else besides me noticed that their forums (SA) look like the spastic crayon dribblings of a mildly retarded third grader strung the fuck out on pixie stix? I mean, I don't mean to nitpick or anything, but holy shit, if yer gonna charge yer drooling power ranger watching, pog collecting, pissy pants poser user base ten fuckin bucks for access the very LEAST you could do is put in the time and effort to molest Microsoft Frontpage for a cookie cutter design template that you can use to try and hide your inane deficiency in web design.
- Coincidentally child...I type around 20 to 30 pages worth of text per day...in fact, truth be told, I've probably written more than anyone else in the entire WHOLE of human history.[12]
- (written about himself in the third person) That is the true separating factor between OMH and your average lulz worthy user. OMH will not react over emotionally, he always plays it cool even in the most heated of situations, continually taunting his opponents efforts, talking down to them (referring to them as "cupcake", "sparkles", "sunshine", "dribbles", "downs", etc) and using his technical knowledge to goad people into debates, sometimes even purposefully arguing against himself (or what he's claimed in other posts in other communities). For example in one community he'll claim that On2 VP6 is the bestest codec evar, while in another community, at the exact same time, he'll claim that Xvid is the bestest codec evar. [13]
- (still writing about himself) OMH is quite the experienced web developer and over the past ten years has created dozens upon dozens of sites. His current web site model is largely Flash based often with a PHP back end. Unlike most Flash supporters OMH actually started out making pages using the model that would eventually become known as "AJAX" years before that acronym was ever coined (some of his older sites are still in that form). One of his favorite things to do online is to get people into a debate over Flash vs (insert web form of choice) and then he almost always soundly rips them a new asshole. In several cases I've seen he'll actually go so far as to completely rebuild a person's site and then throw it in their face and taunt them over how much better (faster loading, smaller size, etc) it is over their version. [14]
[edit] Even the Weeaboos reject him
This naturally lead to a self-congratulatory series of Usenet posts, as Fatter attempted to spin getting kicked out of a con into a favorable light. Matt, you have entered a rarified pantheon occupied by such paragons of human achievement as Tumbles the Stairdragon - nice work.
[edit] Hatter, father of modern rap
Even though he is not black, Matthew often attempts to rap. Naturally, it is terrible.
watch the screen let me take ya on back jump to fourteen you act obscene sniffin benzene all dressed up like Halloween "hi my name's Jolene" a closet teen it's all in yer genes a jumpin bean in the ass crack ravine prayin for an AIDS vaccine hey, hey, let's keep it clean no need to be mean that's just how it's seen in this scene yer the queen
[edit] Cocktail time!
Matthew claims his alcoholic beverage of choice to be Green Chartreuse and/or any type of white zinfandel. So he's either a whining emo fuck or a a closet homosexual.
The Onideus Mad Hatter:
- 2 parts sake
- 1 part apple sourpuss
- 1 part butter ripple schnapps
Add butter & brown sugar to taste. Heat, mix & serve. Serves one enormously fat man.
[edit] Gallery of COCK SLAP
Just as Anons make drawings of Chris-chan and other lulzcows, Fatter has inspired his own share of artistic mockery over the years from the PoEtards...
 Diaper-fetishist loser |
 Babyfur Carebears rolyplayer |
 Baron Fatkonen |
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[edit] External links
- Fatter's "website"
- Fatter Fan Art
- Fatter at Portal of Evil
- Fatter has a Myspace
-
Fatter seeks loveBaleeted, natch. See here for the humiliating screenshot -
Fatty as Farfoos the babyfurBaleeted - Random Fatter Post Generator!
- Fatter proudly discusses his poverty-class income
 Onideus Mad Hatter is part of a series on Dying Alone | Those Who Have Died Alone
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Categories: People | Furries | Trolls
