Asperger's syndrome

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from Aspie)

This article is a nominee for best article in the history of ED. Its poll isn't up right now but keep checking once a day here to vote on each new poll as it pops up.

DEAR CONCERNED ASPIES

Do you know why John LeSieur made that demand to have ED shut down but told you not to read it?
What possible motive could John have?
John LeSieur told you not to read this page because all he cares about is the external link to his kidzcd website at the bottom of this page that's showing up on alexa.com.

ED, a site mocking it is the second biggest linker to that shitty thing.

Whether you mongoloids can grasp that this site is satirical or not, ask him why he's hiding that this is about his software company's backlinks.
Ask him why he edited/deleted any comments on his blog pointing this out repeatedly. I don't care if you think he's the aspie Santa Claus, he's fucking with you retards because it makes good business sen$e.

This article is perfect. Don't fuck with it!

when children like this have ass burgers, the only cure involves the bathtub and a lot of tears.

Doctors diagnose the onset of puberty in male Asspie children by seeing if this specially restrained dog falls victim to zoophalic buttsecks.

Asperger's syndrome, also known as Asperger's, Ass Burgers, Assburpers, BAWWWWWWtism, loltism, Stuttering ADD, NOTism, cerebral lawlzy, whiny bitch syndrome, Emo Syndrome or simply "that fucking dumbass" is a condition on the higher functioning end of the Autism spectrum. It was not an official diagnosis until 1994, when the DSM-IV was published. First mentioned in 1981 by a Dr. Hans Asberger, growth in diagnosis of this disease in the past decade has been only outstripped by self-diagnoses.

Losers believe that having Asperger's Syndrome excuses all forms of social retardation, attention whoring and shitty self-absorbed bullshit, while also allowing them to lay claim to its supposed symptom of "higher than average levels of intelligence".

For these reasons, Aspers has greatly outstripped ADHD as the chic diagnosis of choice for pretty much every group of fucktards on the internet. It is no wonder then that all people with Assburgers are fugly.

Assburgers on the Internets

Asperger's has become a fad for those seeking to garner attention unto themselves. In the fine, hallowed tradition of disease whores everywhere, many of today's youth expertly design a disease which kills two birds with one stone by:

. assuming others are born normal rather than work at it, giving the self-proclaimed Aspie an excuse not to make an effort to develop social skills, and
. assuming they were born smart, rather than merely having had more exposure to books and computers because no one wanted to be around them.

Want to find out if you can justify your failed life with Aspergers? Take the test!

Assburgers on ED

It's common knowledge that asspie's don't give two shits about anything but themselves. Asspie's are selfish, narcissistic assholes who expect the motherland to feel remorse for putting up such an offensive article. However, they do not care about women, niggers, homosexuals, WTC, abortion, animal abuse, or anything that doesn't relate to people licking their burger-asses. So being typical faggots, they do what they do best: bitch and moan.

It should also be noted that asspie's tend to compare themselves to famous asspie's in history, failing to realize that those people succeeded in life and aren't basement dwelling rejects. So feel free whenever yet another assburger tries to compare himself to Einstein, redirect him to Chris-chan.

Common Symptoms

"ASS PIES" are recognizable because of the light bulbs shooting out from their skulls

Missing social cues when you act like a fuck-up in public.
Telling various sob stories about being misunderstood/discriminated against.
Ending said sob story on the note that you wouldn't want to be rid of your 'condition' anyway since you are actually smarter than most everyone else and probably the next step in evolution (like an xmans!!)
Hand flapping.
Tourette's Syndrome
Walking around in circles or moving parts of your body like you are on drugs.
Mumbling to yourself in class like a fucktard.
Talking with a robotic accent - see Lulzcast 2.
Not getting the hint in social situations
Having multiple LiveJournals for the different "aspects of your personality", one of which is naturally filled with slash.
Thinking that everyone else are the ones with the problem.
Being too fucking lazy or unable to drive and then complaining about how they can't go anywhere.
Thinking Lawyers can save their asses against the internets and Lulz

Also recognizable by the flames shooting out of their eyes

If you have any of the symptoms listed above, or if you have taken the linked test, then you are DEFINITELY an Asspie, and need to "come out" to your flist about your "special gift" NOW, while immediately affixing the appropriate pro-aspie userboxes to your Wikipedia admin page so that people know never to argue with you, ever, because that would be discrimination. Some brave asspie named Jeremy orkin (username:godhatesautism) came out of the closet and told everyone that aspie fucktards are dumb faggots. He was most likely killed by zionist asspie cia agents.

Treatment

Treatment, or intervention, of Asperger's basically can be boiled down to the following extremely complicated steps:

Open drawer
Get money
Go to the pawn shop
Buy gun
Buy ammo
Load gun with ammo
Point gun at head
Pull trigger
Repeat if necessary

Asspie national anthem

“	If you're an asspie and you know it flap your hands (flap flap) If you're an asspie and you know it flap your hands (flap flap) If you're an asspie and you know it then your complex body motions will show it If you're an asspie and you know it flap your hands (flap flap)	„
—Asspie national anthem

Symptoms

. . . As Covering Up for Being a Total Fucktard

They don't even know where to draw the fucken line between douche bag and Aspie.

Some close-knit communities of "people", such as furries, plushies, and otherkin possess such distorted views of reality as to be particularly susceptible to forming a belief that their ostracism is due to victimization by outside factors, and will not infrequently claim to have Asperger's or be Autistic en masse, often finding some way to tie its manifestations into the fact that they are social misfits, frequently complete assholes and fail at proper expression of affection. In certain of these instances, having "Asperger's" seems to be correlated with the posting of disgusting and semi-nude pictures of yourself frequently on the internet and local AIDS awareness seminars, or writing highly disturbed fanfiction. Additionally, it is not unheard of for these individuals to claim multiple, even superficially seemingly incompatible diagnoses of a plethora of diseases -- possibly claiming anorexia, ADHD, autism, Asperger's, schizophrenia, OCD, and anything else they've ever read about or seen on CSI.

Edison Was an Asspie, So That Makes Me Speshul!

“	There is a general impression that Asperger's syndrome carries with it superior intelligence and a tendency to become very interested in and preoccupied with a particular subject.	„
— A fucktard making excuses. Explains why asspies are passionate about doing nothing.

Websites such as this try to facilitate the asspie myth that some of history’s most famous geniuses and philosophers had the condition. People such as Einstein (of course), Beethoven, and Mozart all supposedly had the affliction. Yes, all the whiny, self-diagnosed people you have read about on this page have all the untapped creative energy that Thomas Edison had. Unfortunately, none of them appear to have any of the talents Edison did tap into, (which just happen to be the good ones). All of the things mentioned by the site are part of the conspiracy by those with assburgers to show that the disease is at the higher end of the autistic spectrum. Coincidentally though, most of the people who they listed have been dead for years so there is no way of telling if they had the disease or not.

Asspies are responsible for all the evil in history

Whenever you look through history at all the horrid things that have happened, you can probably find an Aspie that was responsible for them. The Nazi's were all Aspies. Adolph Hitler was an Aspie (sauce) as can be discerned by his manner of speech where he flailed his arms around. Obersturmbannführer Adolf Eichmann was an aspie, he basically kept track of every single Jew in the Third Reich (basically most of Europe) to excruciating detail. Reichsführer-SS Himler was definitely an Aspie as can be seen by his blank Aspie stare. The Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, Serial Killers Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were also Aspies.

The Legend of Hugbox Island

Unremarkable retards perform their special tribal dance used to summon Neptune, or some shit.

I'm sure you are thinking after reading all of this "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?". Or alternatively, "that sounds just like me" (if the latter describes you, you should immediately administer a bullet to your head, if symptoms persist, please ask someone else to administer the bullet for you). Recently Aspers have 'discovered' their origins are Atlantian (or so they argue). Some have suggested the Atlantis origin story might have resulted from one or more Aspers, plagiarizing and raping the story of Atlantis.

aspergia.
quotes are as follows:

“	Many, Many eons in the past, this new civilisation was founded, building great towers and dwellings, and thriving in a social structure, very different to that which we observe today. The Aspergians celebrated an individual's uniqueness and devotion to their cause. They taught their young that each and every person is born with a very specific talent, their "special gift", which they must identify if they are to live a full and fulfilling life.	„
—retards

Allow me to translate: "A place THAT WAS TOTALLY NOT ATLANTIS existed over 9000 years ago, where MOM AND THE TEACHERS WOULDN'T MAKE ME DO SHIT, and so I heard about this 'special gift' and because of that I can be a lazy douchebag from Atlantis even though unlike 'the man' I do not have webbed feet, and further, I am not good looking like Patrick Duffy, and even further still, I like to employ douchebag phrases such as 'and further' and 'even further still'..."

“	The Aspergians did not build their dwellings close to each other. They had a complex social structure which allowed individuals to invest most of their seeker years in searching for their destiny, and most of their time as initiated in fulfilling it. This helped their culture to achieve great things.	„
—retards

Translation: "NO ONE DID SHIT AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE SO FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD. OM NOM NOM"

“	It may be that the tales of the great flood, all go back to the Aspergian story. After the civilisation of Aspergia survived for millennia without danger or strife, the ocean itself sought its own destiny and found that it had to take over the land on which the Aspergians lived. The water rose and rose, until there was no doubt that Aspergia would cease to exist within a short period of time.	„
—retards

Translation: "MOM AND DAD CAME AND SAID TO DO CHORES." (translators note: after reading this I now suspect DivineAngel to be the author of said website)

“	The Aspergians were not ever faced with the task of building a boat that was bigger than for the purpose of local fishing. Other than the oft told story of the great Son of Aspergia, who set to sea in search of other lands, and was never seen again, they had not dared try and go beyond the borders of the visible waters, because they knew there were great currents there; currents which take you to sea and never let you return.	„
—retards

Translation: "????" Stolen from The Legend of Zelda because even though teh Asper is not a real condition, a complete lack of any creativity or imagination is known to characterize all teh Aspers (otherwise they would invent their own condition rather than ripping off some bald, drunk and dateless loser's failed joke).

“	The peoples they came across were very different to them: they valued a sort of constant Communitude, they were afraid of their destiny, and were afraid of being alone or pursuing their talents. But the Aspergians were a minority everywhere they went,. and their nature dictated that they integrate, and learn the ways of the land.	„
—retards

Translation: "They found people who did scary things, like use words properly, and mocked others for being lazy and stupid."

“	Their story was swallowed into the general mythology, and made a part of human heritage.	„
—retards

Translation: "We ArE BeTtEr ThEn U!!1!1, and our Aspers stops all the boys in the yard, our disease is better than yours, we can teach you how but we'll have to charge, our disease is better than your's." Some Asper activists have suggested this translation should form the basis of lyrics to a new Asper anthem, however, the laziness and complete inability to adopt new routines of teh Aspers makes it highly unlikely such a substitution will ever occur.

“	In some periods of history, Aspergian manifestations were hunted down and destroyed. Aspergian women burned at the stake as witches, Aspergian inventors and creative minds persecuted for daring to be different. There were Aspergians who discovered a destiny-talent for design and formulation, and secretly created ancient Aspergian symbols in crop circles. There are Aspergians that are Gazers to this day, watching for trains, planes, boats or searching for life in outer space. These traits are so different to "normal" human ones that they persisted through their genes.	„
—retards

Translation: "We ripped off some more shit, ya were going to say Albert Einstein was one of us even though he had few communication problems and did a lot of hard work, and we are just lazy introverted slobs blaming everything on genetics which might not even exist." (Remember kids, autism isn't always genetic, it is commonly caused by being spoiled, boredom, and/or being a bitch, coupled with unsupervised access to Wikipedia).

And not only do they insist on having their own made-up, bullshit history, that they failed to own or make up themselves, but rather quilted together from collected bits and bobs created by non-Aspers, Assburglers also have to have their own culture. Even worse, they've ripped off the deaf, who actually have something in common besides being attention whore assholes.

Some of the bullshit they cite as proof of culture?

Beliefs in common

Autistic culture holds a concept that autism, as a unique way of being, should be embraced and appreciated, not shunned or cured. Many autistic individuals prefer being alone to socializing. Some autistic people appreciate mathematics, science, and computers (although it should be noted that while such interests are found in a larger portion of the autistic population than the neurotypical population, there are also many autistic people who have no special talents in these areas). Many autistic people describe the belief of relating to aliens.

Translation: We don't know how to be liked, so we'll pretend we're special instead!

Assplurgian: The Language of the Asspie

Artist's reenactment.

Language amongst these individuals differs from normal uses of language. To demonstrate these differences, text written in Assplurgian are noted in bold. The italicized text is the translation into common language understood by those living in reality.

Welcome: If you cannot or do not want to socialize in real life you may find some pleasure in doing it online. Meet people who are similar to you!

Translation: You're a fucking lazy faggot and you'd rather sit at your computer and wank than try at anything. See: loser

#asperger is your channel if you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum. The autism spectrum includes autism, Asperger syndrome, and PDD-NOS. One thing we have in common is an impairment in nonverbal communication with neurologically typical ("normal") people that causes social difficulties. People with conditions such as hyperlexia, Tourette syndrome, schizoid personality disorder, social phobia, etc., may join the channel if there is also impairment in nonverbal communication. Loners with an autism-like condition are welcome.

Translation: People with ass burgers aren't diseased, they're just different. All other losers are welcome to join our club in order to keep numbers up. Damn all for being "normal."

It is not necessary to have an official diagnosis to join the channel. What counts is that you suspect seriously that you would fit in to the autism spectrum. If so, please feel free to join #asperger to see if you might 'fit in' with us.

Translation: E-diagnosing 16 year old girls please.

When you first join the channel, an operator will ask some basic information from you, including how you found out about the channel and whether you are on the autistic spectrum. If you don't have an official diagnosis, we may ask you why you think you are on the spectrum. Don't worry too much about this, though. We do not attempt to make diagnoses on whether or not channel visitors have an autism spectrum disorder. However, we must determine whether it is a likely possibility, in order to protect the channel against obvious imposters and troublemakers.

Translation: You can come here with an e-diagnosis but we'll probably kick you out anyways because you might be /b/. Dogs and curtains work better anyways you cunts.

The channel is only for those who are on the autistic spectrum!

Translation: Okay so what was that before about other social disorders?

#asperger is not for parents of autistic children and "experts" who wish to exchange experiences and ideas about treatments. If you want to discuss treatments etc. you are requested to do it on #autism or on #prism.

Translation: We only want kids because we're paedos

Source and further study of Asspies and Assplurgian language in the wild: http://www.inlv.demon.nl/irc.asperger/

Terminology

Asspie scientist Temple Grandin, inventor of the hugbox

People who have (fictionally or otherwise) Asperger's will sometimes refer to themselves as aspies or as a group, the aspie community. While these people may come across as jerks, the actual victims of the disease are halfway-decent, possibly-human, lifeforms minus the social skills who encounter the self-diagnosed attention-whoring victimhood-loving cunts, whose falseness drives their victims into a driveling, uncontrollable rage.

Shared language

Although autistic culture doesn't have its own language, there is some terminology commonly used by those in autistic culture, such as:

Aspie: A short-hand way of saying Asperger's. Sometimes it is referred to only those diagnosed with Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum. Most proponents of autistic culture would prefer not to call Asperger's a "syndrome."
Autie: A short-hand way of saying an autistic person. Sometimes it is used only to refer to those diagnosed with autism instead of Asperger's, and sometimes it refers to the whole spectrum.
Cousin: A cousin is someone who is not technically autistic in the clinical use of the word, but is still similar enough to autistic people to be as much a part of autistic culture as someone officially diagnosable with autism. Sometimes these people are similar because they have a similar condition (although a cousin doesn't have to have any psychological conditions) such as schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or hyperlexia. AC is often used to stand for "autistics and cousins."
Curebie: A person with the desire to cure autism. These people are usually viewed in a negative light in autistic culture.
Neurodiversity: A concept of tolerance of people regardless of neurological wiring.
Neurotypical: Usually abbreviated NT. Refers to a nonautistic person.

Translation: Like the Atlantis shit, we ripped off some psychology jargon, 'cause we r smart. Plus, we still don't want to bother being liked, don't cure us, because sitting around picking our nose and perseverating on math is fucking normal, asshole!

Aspergians: totally a word.

Should also be noted that those who deal with people who supposedly have this disease (and can't stand them) will refer to the wannabe sick as having AssBurners Syndrome.

Asspie Dating

The typical kind of asshole you see on the internet saying he has Asperger's, is an agnostic libertarian and dates a Japanese porn star seiyu

As they are socially retarded, Asspies do not know the proper way to get a girlfriend even though they are very attracted to hawt. Therefore, they will do stupid things that make themselves look like rapists. Common Ass Burgers Syndrome suffers often use the following methods.

Use of stupid pickup lines from the internet.
Fucktarded frankness: "Wow, we have a lot in common...when do we have sex?"
Seeing a girl that is hot when on a bathroom break at school and following her into the girls bathroom and then blurting out "I want to kiss you!"
Masturbating behind a girl in Science Class. Or maybe just to the Igneous rocks. Sicko.
And, natural successor to the above, Masturbating across the office from a female co-worker
Talking to a girl in public, and when she smiles it is taken as a request to show up at her house in the middle of the night.
Walking up to a girl and asking her to spank his bottom.
Online stalking and/or asking for girlfriends repeatedly in chat rooms Dude... seriously... leave me the hell alone.
Finding a woman in far worse physical condition than themselves and possessing very low standards and becoming her "caretaker".
More or less giving up on meaningful human contact and spending all of their money on sex dolls.
Loitering in malls with a sign that says they're looking for a "Boyfriend-Free Girl"

Interweb Case Studies

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but...[1] When it rains, it pours for some people.

An "CNN manager" found out she was an Aspie and was so elated that she wrote an article about it on CNN.com. It is full of lulzy statements like these: Hugs are dispensed infrequently, but if I do hug someone, I resemble Frankenstein's monster, arms extended to control contact. When my dad (who I suspect is an Aspie, too) and I hug, we both have "the approach." We sometimes miss and have to re-approach a couple of times until a brief, awkward hug is achieved. Gb2/hugbox indeed. The link to this page should be posted in the comments to this CNN story until further lulz are achieved.

ZOMG Petition against this article?

The male_dom community on LiveJournal is 100% made up of self-diagnosed 'aspies'. When one poster says her partner has it, about 20 people chime in as having it as well, all self-diagnosed of course and many of them claiming to be autistic as well.

1justin is self diagnosed with it, he's just as much of a faggot about it as everyone else, but assumes he is better than the rest. He wound up banned from the aspergers community (which has since mysteriously been deleted and purged) for trying to point out to its members that most of them probably don't have it and that being proud about it is stupid, both of which appropriately apply to him.

A poll on kuro5hin in which 76% of respondents claim to have some form of Asperger's or autism. Yes. 76%.

A large number of goons from the SomethingAwful forums claim to have aspergers. From the looks of things, most of them probably do.

Everyone on Fanfiction.net claims to have Asspies, Lysdexia, and/or ADHD; which begs the question, why are they writing?

Everyone on DeviantART claims to have Asperger's, which means you cant criticize them or they'll get upset, because they have a perfectly legitimate reason for why no-one should criticize their shit art.

Kevin Havens has Asperger's (self-diagnosed, of course) among many other problems, spends all of his money on junk food and sexdolls, and lives with his crippled girlfriend. He collects a check for being her "caretaker" as well.

These poor women think their husbands have asspies - ladies, they're just ~~assholes~~ normal healthy men trying to make the best of a life trapped in a marriage with an over-emotional woman (I mean seriously! Not being "torn up inside" because you hear a child crying is not sufficient to form a diagnosis of asperger's syndrome!)

Well at least they both belong in a kitchen

A Facebook group was created to protect females from being raped by Asspies. They were so butthurt they cried rape to Facebook and the group was deleted just so the Asspies would shut up!

The Online Petition was invented by asspies, this is clear because they are the only ones that seem to think that anybody gives even the slightest rat's ass about Online petitions. So far, members of Asspies Against Freedom have already created 3 petitions to get Encyclopedia Dramatica taken offline, unfortunately they don't seem to realize that when nobody signs their petition, making another petition is as effective at shutting down a popular website as sticking your dick in a light socket.

IRL Drama

“	I have a big confession: I have already written about the fact that my 9-year-old son was diagnosed in February 2005 with Asperger's Syndrome.	„
—Suburbian mother, smacking her gum with her lip glossed mouth - Confessing to her priest

Pwnt by Kindergardners: May 2008

In this lulzy video, an Aspie child named Alex, is totally rejected by his kindergarten class. By a vote of 14 to 2, they decided to kick him out of their class for his idiotic flailing Ass-pie behavior that was pissing them off. His mom then BAWWW'd on national television about "discrimination" while the Aspie mumbled incoherently in her lap, further proving that the children were right and the whiny parents were wrong. Naturally, a lolsuit is being planned. The boy's mother was also a sick fuck and compared the teacher to Islamic terrorists which is wrong because it is a favor to the normal children not to have a shit smearing, masturbating child in the classroom; and Muslims actually kill people which is much worse than any minor teasing or ridicule. Some people need to grow up and stop being fairies.

Meanwhile, StumbleUpon users call for the death penalty.

Gallery

This Wikipedian clearly is an aspie	YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR THIS TIME GUYS	Take a wild guess.	These people do not have Asperger's.
SUPER WAVE SMASHER	Typical Asspie at your school (in the back). In the front is just ASS.	Typical Asspie being a asspie	No successful organization is complete without a hard-working aspie.
Time to play "spot the Asspie"!	Butthurt Asspies often gravitate towards youtube to post their fucktarded videos.	I don't want to know what is occurring in this picture.	Beware the hypnotic allure of the asspie's eyes!
Typical aspie, notice the smug grin.		wut?	the raep smile.
A wild aspie appears!	BEWARE!	People with Asperger's usually have this attitude	Aspie brikfest of Champyons
The best kind to have	Delicious ass pie. Must eat it.	Burger King showing their support