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You

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This article is perfect. Don't fuck with it!
This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT ! You have no friends and will die alone. HOW'S THAT FOR A SPOILER, BITCH?!!!1
You
You
Your girlfriend seeing you naked.
Your girlfriend seeing you naked.
You aren't getting laid, either.
You aren't getting laid, either.
You, doing what you do best at your desktop.
You, doing what you do best at your desktop.
No, you're the one on the computer reading /b/ 2.0.
No, you're the one on the computer reading /b/ 2.0.
We at ED would like to thank you for all your contributions to humanity.
We at ED would like to thank you for all your contributions to humanity.


You are a worthless waste of life, which is why — at this precise point in the time space continuum — you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't. You think your taste in music matters. You've seen every episode of Star Wars multiple times. You think playing video games makes you "alternative". You "spontaneously" quote Family Guy and Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition because it seemed vaguely counter-cultural. Pretty much every human being you attended High School with remembers you only as, "that fat kid." You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic conventions. You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. You have never had sex. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because you "could have done better if you tried". You collect Plastic Crap. You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval. You get your ideas and arguments from blogs. You don't get invited, you tag along, which to you is a less offensive way to say crash. You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you, but then masturbate to 10's who wouldn't even waste the breath to tell you to fuck off if you approached one of them in a bar. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are building the world in their image. You fail it, where it = ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Seriously, fuck you.

 
“ 		 
I'm only half of those things
  		„
 

—You


Contents

Definitions

You is an ambiguous word that can be either plural or singular depending on the context (which may itself be ambiguous). English is unique in this regard. French does it too, but it's still not common.

You is not in the word team, but there is a me.

You just accidentally a whole Fleshlight.

You are a moron and probably a cunt, and yet, this website will still beg you for money.

You will never find true love.

You spend endless hours emailing girls on Myspace, but your friendlist is still mostly bands.

You think The Internet is serious business.

You spelled backwards is suck.

You jack off to goatse, you sick fuck.

You voted for George W. Bush. Twice.

You are in a shitty local band noone likes, although a few people may claim to so that you dont feel bad.

You spent 4 months of savings from bagging groceries on samurai swords, but for some reason you still aren't a ninja.

You need to stop kidding yourself, they pick you last in gym, and it's not because you're the best.

You consider yourself to have a "competitive personality" because you play on Xbox Live.

You crank dat Soulja Boy.

You think that milhouse is a meme.

You can't wait to call Gamestop and ask for Battletoads.

You bought Wii Fit to lose weight, but stopped playing after seeing your body mass index.

You probably think this article is not about you. It is.

You are the reason your mom cries and your dad drinks.

You are on your uncle's favorite fapping picture. His second favorite is your mom.

You are your neighbor's bitch.

You got a bunch of job applications for Christmas. From every single person in your family.

You are a weeaboo?

You have been permanently banned from all boards for the following reason:..

Did You Know that...

YOU can't handle Cubic Time, Cubic Life or Cubic Truth - for inside of Time Cube equates the most magnificent symmetry of opposites existing within the universe - for every corner has an equal opposite corner, every 2 corners has an equal opposite 2 corners, every tri-corner has an equal opposite tri-corner and every 4 corners has an equal opposite 4 corners?

YOU fail at life, the Internet, and comedy?

YOU don't have any friends?

YOU sucked someone off so you could get the money to buy a Nintendo DS?

YOU are probably an angsty, bisexual, atheist teenager?

YOU would be killing brain cells if you had any?

YOU can't do it. And if you are, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG?

YOU are a closet FAG?

YOU fail it (your skill is not enough)?

YOU are a pretty cool guy, you are a Internet tough guy.

YOU are a pirate ass pirate.

YOU get butthurt when someone PWNS your fucking ass?

YOU have Erectile Disfunction and Educational Disorder

Noone likes YOU?

YOU just lost the game?

YOU are the cancer that is killing /b/?

YOU are addicted to sniffing paint and drinking Gas

YOU cannot divide by zero?

When YOU are dead I'll be still alive. Still alive. Still alive.

Uncle Sam does NOT want YOU?

After reading all of the above YOU will go cry yourself to sleep?

You and web 2.0

We realize that many of you are just "the typical middle-class fuck". Blogging, vlogging, podcasting, writing, editing, coding, drawing, tagging - all under the hope that your self-indulgent jizz-stain of work will be plastered on the front page of Time, or if not that, some shitty Web 2.0 site. You're wrong, you are nobody, and you will never be what you dream. TL;DR nobody cares.


GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!

YOU are were invited to Lulzcon! This is the single most importantly lulzy experience of your life. But if you're reading this now, you probably failed to get there. Fucking loser.

Your penis is a stub. You can help by tugging on it.


See also


Gallery

YOU

YOU... on the best day of your life.

Your collection of Invader Zim merchandise.

Your tiny dick. But at least it's bigger than Nick Jonas's dick.

YOU...in 50 years' time.♦

You aren't going to get one.

Your fugly girlfriend.

You.

A Troll being "normal".

A picture of your mom, her daddy's two best friends and YOU.



You
is part of a series on Web 2.0 		Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • PHP • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • User-generated content • ITunes Store

Web 2.0 Sites
bebo | Blingee | Blogtv | Broadcaster | chacha | DeviantART | digg | facebook | gossip report | Hulu | justin.tv | last.fm | livejournal | livevideo | mycrib | MySpace | Ning | slashdot | stickam | Twitter | wikipedia | xanga | yahoo! answers | YouTube | ytmnd

People of Web 2.0
Tom Anderson | Steve Chen | Brad Fitzpatrick | Max Goldberg | Michael Crook | Iain Hall | Chad Hurley | Kevin Rose | Kathy Sierra | Jimmy Wales | You | Mark Zuckerberg



You

is part of a series on
Child Abuse
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