Woody Allen
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Woody Allen✡ is an unfunny career Jew who makes "smart" movies for neurotic city dwellers who whine and moan and bitch about how hard it is to be neurotic city dwellers, all the while making out with attractive actresses who he casts as his love interest (as he tends to cast himself as the lead male actor in his films).
His career took a major hit when his crazy-ass wife accused him of child molestation after he was caught fucking his barely legal step-daughter but has since recovered.
Woody's Movies
Woody Allen is Internets Famous for such shit movies as Manhattan and Annie Hall, of which he cast himself as the same character (a neurotic Jewish super-nerd who gets the girl who in real life wouldn't give him the time of day over and over and over again). His films are annoyingly emo filled with Allen obsessing over death and failed relationships while masturbating over city life.
Films include:
- What's Up, Tiger Lilly?- A gag dub of a super-serious Japanese Spy film, turned into a farce about a stolen egg salad recipe. Was Allen's first hit, even though Japanophiles picketted the film's premire and led a seven-year campaign to get American International Pictures to release the film subtitled and properly translated.
- Casino Royale (1967 version)- Allen played the main villain, the super-short Doctor Noah, who sought to release a gas to kill all men on Earth who are bigger than him. Like "What's Up, Tiger Lilly?", James Bond fans picketed the film because it mocked the original source material, leading to Allen being burnt in effigy by the mob of crazy James Bond fans.
- Bananas- Woody Allen's first real "hit" movie, has him play a wussy guy who tries to become a social activist-styled revolutionary in order to get a girl to fuck him. Ends up involved in a Central American-style revolution as a result of his quest for sex and becoming leader of a small nation as a result.
- Play It Again, Sam"- The film based on a play that ripped off the movie Cassablanca. Notable for the first time Woody Allen worked with Diane Keaton, who became both Woody Allen's on-camera/off-camera lover for the bulk of the 70s.
- Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)- Woody Allen's first real hit, the film basically is a series of raunchy sex sketches, ranging from beastiality (Gene Wilder fucking a sheep) to Regis Philbin on a parody of "What's My Line?" where they try and guess a guy's sexual perversion of choice.
- Sleepers- More bastardizing other people's works for the lulz, as Woody Allen takes a classic sci-fi dystopia novel about a guy waking up in a futuristic society run by a fascist government in order to lead the resistance against the tyrannical leader, and makes it a comedy with it's most famous sequence being a sequence where Allen pretends to be a robot sex toy for Diane Keaton.
- Love and Death- An important film for Woody Allen, as this would be the film that would transition him away from the lulz and towards more or less whiny emo ramblings that dominate Allen's later works. Basically, the whole film is one huge 85-minute masturbation sequence as Allen parodies the work of his favorite director, Ingmar Bergman, as well as spoofing historical fiction in the vein of dead Russian novelists.
- The Front- Woody Allen plays a dude who ends up taking credit for a blacklisted writer's work during the 50s and ends up becoming a big success off the work of the really talented.
- Annie Hall- Woody Allen plays a whiny neurotic playwright whose relationship with Diane Keaton falls apart, culminating in her shacking up with Paul Simon and leaving New York for California, which Allen describes as hell on Earth since it's not New York City.
- Manhattan- The film that first gave us the inkling of Woody Allen's barely legal fetish. While dating a 17 year old, Woody Allen falls in love with his friend's mistress (Diane Keaton); but really, the real love is Woody Allen's insane psychotic obsession with New York City, culminating in him masturbating to the sight of the Brooklyn Bridge at the climax of the film.
- Stardust Memories- A black and white film where Woody Allen plays a director/writer whose fans hate his emo-riddled new films and prefers his funnier old movies.
- A Midsummer Night Sex Comedy- Boring and worthless film that's only notable in that it introduced Woody Allen to Mia Farrow, who would replace Diane Keaton as Woody's on-screen/off-screen lover.
- Zelig- A fake documentary that involved Woody Allen playing a guy who, for the lulz, instantly can go back and forth to behaving, talking, and looking like those around him. Mia Farrow plays the hapless doctor who tries to cure him, ultimately having to travel to Nazi Germany to rescue him.
- The Purple Rose of Cairo- Though he does not act in the film (Allen wrote and directed it), the film is the lulziest of Allen's films: Mia Farrow plays a woman who is torn between her unloving husband, a jerkish actor (Jeff Daniels), and the jerkish actor's goody-two shoes onscreen character (Jeff Daniels again), who manages to escape into the real world to be with Farrow. Farrow ultimately chooses the jerkish actor, who quickly dumps Farrow, leaving her alone and penniless.
- Hannah and Her Sisters- Story about Hannah, a successful actress and her fucked-up family, most notably her sisters.
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Sex Scandal, or: Honey, I Fucked the Kids
He was outed as a pedophile by way of being caught by his aging girlfriend Mia Farrow having sex with his barely legal, Asian whore of a step-daughter. (It should be noted that Mia in her own winsome teen years stole elderly Mafioso Frank Sinatra from his wife Ava Gardner). Only the fact that Mia Farrow couldn't prove 100% that her adopted daughter was underage when Woody fucked her saved Woody from utter ruin, though his career never recovered (Woody Allen on the other hand, has stated that the scandal didn't ruin his career, his shitty movies from the 1990s did).
Mia Farrow also claimed that Allen had sexually abused Dylan, a gone-to-seed folk singer they had adopted in happier times. This claim was rejected by the courts as the sort of lie spiteful women are apt to tell when their men sleep with younger, prettier women or keep leaving the cap off the toothpaste.
Spawn
He shocked the world when he impregnated Mia in 1989, who gave birth to a red haired, pasty face mutant who some believe may actually be Rosemary's baby. His name keeps changing, but he is currently called Ronan, a name inspired by a low budget Japanese monster movie with a similar name. Ronan grew up to be a humorless do-gooder like his mother, and they are currently trying to save Africa through sheer force of their uncanny whiteness. He refuses to see Allen who, ever the caring parent, frequently referred to him as "the little bastard."
