Wicca
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Popular Wiccan bumper sticker |
Wicca is the shittiest subset of the pagan expression of religion. It is favored by people too fucktarded to learn the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other cult. Most modern Wiccans will claim to be in it for the self-expression and becoming more in touch with the world. Expect these retards to say Oh Goddess! in lieu of proper epithets.
Wicca has only one rule: An it harm none, do what ye will, which makes Wicca as pussy as it is stupid. Wiccans delude themselves into thinking they can perform "magic" just by dancing around naked with shiny rocks laid on the ground in mystical patterns.
Wiccans have been better known throughout history as witches and many still use this title. If you see a MySpace, Live Journal, Facebook, etc. profile saying something like Proud to be a witch ! ! !, you can be 99.9% confident that you're dealing with a Wiccan.
Wiccans are divided into little gangs called "covens", usually with contrived and melodramatic names like The Silver Moon Circle, the Black Pentacle or The Raven and the Rose. Seriously. Wiccan covens are full of pot smoking alcoholic female fatties, with a few token males who join out of faggotry or in a hopeless attempt to get laid.
Wiccans can be easily confused with obsessed fans of the fantasy genre, for instance people who dress up as Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings characters. Another group easily mistaken for Wiccans are LARP and Dungeons & Dragons roleplayers. However, there is a simple way to distinguish these groups from Wiccans. The essential difference is that these cosplaying and roleplaying nerds, while annoying and immature, know that they're just playing a little fantasy game, whereas the Wiccans actually believe that their magic wands and elvenlore are real things. This often leads to a painful disillusionment, when a Wiccan realizes that he or she cannot pay the rent or find a job by casting a magic spell.
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Wiccan Doctrine
Wicca is really just dumbed-down Satanism for really fucking lazy people. Wiccans will try to convince you that their religion has nothing to do with Satanism by saying that their religion is over 9000 years old. In reality, it was invented by a Britfag in the 1950's. Even TOW agrees.
Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for lazy poor people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless plastic crap from occult shops. This means that even though Wicca is as phony as Scientology, at least it won't fuck you out of your money.
Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half of the things they do are pulled out of the Coven Leader's ass. The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, Harry Potter, Disney films and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "NO U" and then proceed to bitch about how Christians stole everything from them.
Rather, Wiccans might tell you that most of their religion comes from a Book of Shadows that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the Xenu story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it.
Wicca is the official religion of feminism, as all real religions refuse to give women power. Wicca is believed to spread furfaggotry and otherkinism, making it a sort of gateway drug of faggotry.
The Holy Tools of the Trade
- Deities
- The Triple Goddess, AKA Triple-Teamed Whore of Babylon
- The Horned God, AKA Satan
- Symbols
- Toys
Wiccans Defined
Modern witches are insane, attention whoring, self-injuring 16 year old girls that are very easy to piss off. They hate to be confused with Goths, emos or vampires and will totally cast a spell on you if you do. Any green asshole wishing to pursue an exciting career as an internet troll should find a witch community.
Wiccans over the age of thirty are extremely rare, partially due to the fact that they have no time for such nonsense once they have been kicked out of their parents' basement, but mostly because they have been brought to justice long before that. The rare Wiccan past thirty is most often a fat woman who believes her cats are 'children', or a dragon-shirted male suffering from fail.
They wear black almost universally, even though real pagans wore white. Wicca is usually matriarchal, while real pagans were usually led by male druids. Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative Christians, which is completely out-of-line with pre-Christian paganism and makes Wicca more of a trolling technique than a real religion.
Origins
Wiccans may tell you that they're descended from six or more generations of Wiccans, in spite of the fact that they live with their affluent, vanilla parents and that modern Wicca has only been around since 1954. Failing this, a Wiccan may also claim to have been reincarnated several times over (almost always as a well-known historical figure, such as Cleopatra). Wiccans who are called out on their bullshit or don't do either of the above may instead call themselves Gypsies, even though Gypsies (or Roma) are a race of smelly Indians who lie and steal, giving them more in common with niggers than with Wicca or its supposed origins.
The "Many" Uses of Witches
See Also
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
- Chelle
- Dave Henry
- Feminism
- Halloween
- Lesbian
- Pagan
- Psion Guild
- Vidal
- Winged Wolf
External Links
| Wicca is part of a series on Religion 
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Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
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| Wicca is part of a series on Cults. |
