Warhammer 40,000
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Warhammer 40,000 (Warhammer 40k, WH40K, 40K) is a fictitious universe propagated by Games Workshop Ltd. in a philanthropic effort to create more Warhammer Nerds out of useless basement dwellers and thus contribute to society. It is for the most part played as a tabletop battle game and for many years it has been a leader in $70 tanks, $5 infantrymen and 2d6 losers, and the stock market suggests that more and more 13 year old fangirls are being inducted into the ranks of 40K loserdom each year. It is also the game most likely to get you b& from your favorite card game/LAN/Pokemon tournament store for trying to steal the expensive ass figurines. The object of the game is to believe you are a great military strategist when the actual truth of the matter is that Games Workshop for all their claims of play-balance skew the armies that the newest army (and newest line of models) is quantitatively more powerful than preceding ones. This "Codex creep" means if you don't buy lots and lots of their latest models, have fun taking it up the ass from Space Marine players. The Warhammer franchise is often considered the final boss in Nerdom. A full understanding of the WH40k universe is something akin to speaking Tolkien's Elvish.
Contents |
Background
Over the countless years of its existence the WH40K franchise has a large coherent and mutual extended fictional universe. That is to say: a clusterfuck of Pseudo-Scientific explanations and futuristic-sounding religious stories. Unsurprisingly, diehard nerds and Juvenile fanboys alike swear by its expansive and mature scope. No doubt, in an attempt justify the fact that they are grown men playing with overpriced army men.
Origins
Tens of thousands of years prior to the rise of man, the Eldar, an advanced race of aliens, who despite evolving millions of years earlier on a different planet, look exactly like humans with pointy ears. Yes, essentially Space-elves. Anyways, they were already sailing through the stars aboard advanced starships, and due to how special, elite and mind-powerful, eventually started to go insane and gang-raping and bukkakeing each-other, which eventually caused the fabric of the universe to shatter, the Gods of the Eldar to all die, the vast majority of the race to perish, and the Gods of Chaos were born in the hole in the fabric of the universe. If only it worked that way IRL.
The Warp
Star Trek, Star Wars, and basically every other science fiction series uses hyperspace. 40K, however, uses the Warp, which is the gay pink-purple alternate-reality that explains both interstellar travel and why there are ugly demons running around in sci-fi land. Comparing the two, hyperspace is like DSL, while the Warp is like trying to connect to the internetz on dial-up with a frayed wire in the small town of Atalaxupalpatinowahasibixo, Mexico.
The Eldar are able to traverse the Warp with their advanced eons old technology without trouble. Chaos, being the angsty pale freaks that they are, live in the Warp. The Imperium of Man is able to traverse the Warp with difficulty when their Emperor concentrates from his golden life support machine and lights the way. Unfortunately, because the Emperor has the attention span of the average 5-year-old Pokemon fanboy, this means that many an unfortunate Imperial ship has had the WTF WHERE'D THE LIGHTS GO experience, which in the Warp is invariably fatal.
The Internets and 40K
In recent years, 40K has achieved a significant presence in internet nerdom. It has long been a staple of certain 4chan boards, sci-fi forums, and Otaku congregations. Originally only the most pathetic nerds with rich parents could afford to buy little metal-or-plastic figures, and the most obsessive could find time to paint and decorate them.
Then along came Vidya Gayms, which allowed even unemployed trailer-trash and dirt-poor basement-dwellers to lead around space marine chapters or Ork clans, and talk with other nerds about how k00l their favorite army is and how the Blood Ravens could totally beat the Ultramarines. In other words, Warhammer 40K got completely fucked.
The Factions
Every person you see with 2d6 in one hand and a Warhammer 40K rulebook in the other, you know that this person is undeniably a Warhammer nerd, a loser, is NEVER going to get laid, and probably funds his tabletop legions with endless number crunching and the general lack of a life.
Apart from Warhammer nerd, each 40K faction also represents a nerd subtype. You can tell which faction a player is using by the varying degrees of anti-social displayed by the plastic pieces.
Space Marines
No matter what you say, Space Marines are /b/tardsNazis. Don't believe me?
| —The Emperor's instructions. |
In every game, there is at least one overpowered race or profession that even 13-year-old-boys with downs syndrome can play and have a chance at winning. In steps the Space Marine. These are the genetically enhanced supermen of the Imperium. They each have two hearts, four lungs, and at least 100 backup systems. Encased in ceramite and adamantium power armor which for the purposes gives you a 3+ armor save, these badboys pwn just about everything that is thrown at them. They are the goody-goody two-shoes of the 40K universe, and run into battle crying "For the Emperor!" !!1 Actually Space Marines are badass anti-hero Space Anons who fuck up niggers' shit just because they're different (what better reason, amirite?). Space Marines are divided into Chapters which supposedly have different specializations but basically is just an excuse to pick the same Army with your favorite color. Of course, the only chapter anyone really cares about is the Ultramarines, which have blue armor,Or if you played the video games first then the Blood Ravens who have red armor.
UNITS
- Servitor - Fucked up lobotomized failures, they build shit for the marines cuz marines are too cool for that.
- Scouts - Failful. They get sniper rifles too, but have shit accuracy.
- Tacticals - Led by a sergeant who has a high-pitched voice, they can do anything, but aren't good at it.
- Assault Marines - Chainsword, jetpack, and pistol. They get mowed down by a robust sneeze.
- Terminators - Slow pieces of shit that wtfpwn in general.
- Assault Terminators - Liberally applies a banhammer to the opposition.
- Apothecary - Sick bastard who's more concerned with ripping the guts of dead marines for future use.
- Librarian - Will not find your books, is psychic, and mutters proverbs instead of shouting when he fights.
- Chaplain - Your daily Republican in armor.
- Dreadnought - Marines are sick bastards. They have disabled people in mechs that rip and burn shit.
- Ironclad Dreadnought - Same as above, except even harder to kill and has a giant SEISMIC HAMMER
- Venerable Dreadnought - Dreadnought, except this time filled with a really old disabled person
- Hellfire Dreadnought - Same as above, but with RAWKET LAWNCHAIRS.
- Predator - Is actually good, but is expensive.
- Vindicator - Basically a snowplow with a big-ass cannon.
- Land Raider - The biggest Partyvan money can buy!
- Land Raider Terminus Ultra - A Partyvan covered with giant lazer guns.
- Land Raider Ares - A cross between the Land Raider and the Vindicator. The mother of all weaponized snowplows.
- Land Raider Crusader - Instead of having just one or two machine guns, no, this baby has 14 machine guns.
- Land Raider Redeemer - Designed specially to barbecue all heretics and mutants into oblivion.
The Angry Marines (Temperous Maximus)
These are possibly the most rabid, pants on head murder everything and everyone badasses this side of the Reef Stars. Clad in lulz yellow armor and bearing nothing but weapons that were meant to fuck your shit up good up close, these anger consumed marines are RAEG incarnate. They even tear their own ships to pieces so they can hit the ground faster during an orbital drop. They LOATHE furries, and built special Power Feet to neuter those furniggers with blunt force trauma. Here is an excerpt of their sheer awesome:
From the records of Governor Tamel of Pathos Secundus. File #34476A: Captain Asshole ++++ A boy was born in the year 895.M38, on Pathos Secundus. Little is recorded of his parentage. His father was a Guardsman, known only to be missing and presumed dead. His mother died in childbirth. The pregnancy had no complications, and so an autopsy was conducted. Wounds throughout the mother's uterus and all along the birth canal indicated extreme trauma. Video of the birth confirmed the medical examiner's suspicions: he had come out cuntpunching.
The child spent his youth in and out of various orphanages and foster homes. Several of his caretakers attempted to name him, but whenever anyone asked him his name, he responded only by punching them in the throat. He was regarded as mad and dangerous at the very least; many believed he harbored some mutation or the mark of Chaos. At the age of ten, however, he finally found a home. An Angry Marine quartermaster had made planetfall to procure supplies, and the young boy happened to be in the area. The Marine shouted to him, "HEY, ASSHOLE, BRING ME THAT FUCKING HANDTRUCK IN THE CORNER."
When the youth approached the hardened battle brother and kicked him squarely in the groinplate, breaking two of his toes without making a sound or shedding a tear, the Angry Marines had found a new recruit.
At the time Asshole was inducted, the Chapter Master of the Angry Marines had decreed that new recruits should become standard Codex scouts. The issue was put to a vote, and the chapter at large declared this decision to be "COMPLETELY FUCKING FAGGOTROCIOUS," however the decree stood for a time on the basis that the Chapter Master did it "JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, YOU WORTHLESS NIGGERS."
This did not prove advantageous to young Asshole. The one thing they could never teach him to do was aim, and he spent far longer than normal languishing in the Tenth Company. Finally, in 176.M39, during the Scouring of Erhlinger Prime, he proved himself. After emptying an entire magazine into an Ork horde with no effect, Asshole abandoned his cover, howled madly into the sky, and broke his sniper rifle neatly in half across his knee. He charged the band, tearing limbs from any greenskin that stood in his way, until he was standing face to face with the mek boss. Asshole took the two halves of his ruined rifle and spitted the ork from both ends of his digestive track, right through his flash kustom 'ardpantz. The rest of the mob turned tail and ran. For his heroism, Asshole was immediately inducted to the Fifth Company and promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Shortly afterward, the Chapter Master judged that the newbies were pissed off enough, and reinstated the Angry Gangs.
Asshole rose quickly through the ranks, finally becoming Brother-Captain of the battle barge Killfuck Soulshitter in 722.M39. During his career, he developed a special hatred of Eldar, and would often be heard to claim that "THEY MAY AS WELL BE GODDAMN PRETTY MARINES FOR ALL THEIR FAIRYASSED PANTSHITTERY." In 756.M39, the Killfuck Soulshitter was called to push back an incursion on the Coluphid Sector by Eldar. The campaign was a terrifying success, and in its last moments, Captain Asshole confronted the Farseer Turiel and her daughter Sorith, one of the Seer Council, personally. Breaking Sorith and casting her blithely aside in one swift blow, the Captain approached the Farseer, shaking with rage. Before she could react, he slammed her to the ground, removed his groinplate, and raped her brutally. As he finished, he rose, readjusted his armor, and looked Sorith in the eyes, saying "I FUCKED YOUR MOM." He turned and left as the two witches stole into the webway. A marine in Asshole's retinue, puzzled, asked "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THOSE DYKES GET AWAY, YOU STUPID CUNT?" In an astonishing display of restraint, Asshole said simply "THOSE SPACE QUEERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN PLAN AHEAD, YOU DICKSUCK."
In 989.M39, Captain Asshole received a pizza with mushrooms instead of pineapple, and suffered an aneurysm while killing those responsible. He was entombed in one of the chapter's Belligerent Engines. Thirty years later, the chapter met the same Eldar again on the field of battle. The carnage played out much the same as before, leaving only Captain Asshole, Farseer Turiel, and Sorith. Once again Sorith was cast aside. Once again, Turiel was restrained. A terrible din was heard, and after some time, it could be seen that Captain Asshole's turgid member had punched right through the armor plating of the dreadnought, and lodged itself just between the buttocks of the Farseer. He turned to Sorith and spoke his last words to her before slaughtering them both.
"EVEN IN DEATH, I STILL FUCK YOUR MOM."
To learn more about these brave, batshit crazy heroes, visit http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Angry_Marines
Chaos
At least 100 years ago, but not as many 100 years as the Imperium of Man, Horus, the son of the GEoM, decided that he liked furries and dwelling in Connecticut. In the ensuing civil war, Horus was EPIC FAIL in trying to fight with the GEoM because he didn't RTFM, and so didn't know that he could be erased from the universe. After the erasure of their leader, the hordes of Chaos fled back into the Warp, where they periodically come out in the form of Nazi-furries, utilizing pale, black clad former space marines, mutants, and various daemons to accomplish their ends. The Hordes of Chaos are divided by the gods which they serve.
Every Chaos player is an anti-social masochist. Every one.
- Chaos Undivided - These cop-outs can't decide who to serve, and try to be cool and say "I serve everyone!" Which ignores the fact "Chaos Undivided" is an oxymoron, and so just doesn't work. Likewise, in terms of life, players of Chaos Undivided just don't work, trying to be funny and friendly with the gays, goths, and other miscellaneous losers.
- Khorne - The Chaos god of getting shitfaced on blood, gore and other associated bits o men. He drinks a lot of blood and has a sick fetish with it. He now suffers from aids.Khorne players are all macho Conan wannabes who clearly haven't looked at their excuses for arms in a long time. Half of them probably couldn't even lift a real axe, and so have pathetic 1mm plastic axes instead.
- Nurgle - One word for every follower of the god of disease and death: sickfuck. The marines of Nurgle are walking around with their intestines spilling out, and apparently this is appealing to players.
- Tzeentch - The Chaos Lord of Change. That's right, folks, when you thought it was a good idea to vote for the black guy, you were worshiping Tzeentch.
Also known as the blue one.
- Slaanesh - This is a long time favorite, the god of pr0n,guro,CP and self mutilation.In other words the god of /b/
UNITS
- Heretic - This is what happens when you get one of those slaving Chaos fanboys to work for you. He will go out of his way to take it up in the ass for you, get STDs, get possessed by daemons, and ultimately die. All for that...well..inch of land...or that vespene gas.
- Cultist - Now give that fanboy a gun and send him to Hell. At least he might give someone a papercut before he dies.
- Chaos Space Marine Squad - Pedophiles, AIDs-users, Masterminds, and Sick Fucks.
- Raptor - Jetpack, chainsword, pistol, and a dash of evil. Which does shit, as they still get mowed down by a robust sneeze.
- Khorne Berzerkers - Remember those guys who pulled off Columbine or Virginia Tech? Imagine them with an AXE and armor.
- Obliterator - TENTACLE RAEP WITH GUNS!!!
- Chaos Sorceror - AM I AWESOME!? I CAN THROW GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
- Daemon Prince - After raping over 9,000 men, he is now a true daemon. Lulz.
- Bloodthirster - Makes Edward Cullen a boy.
- Chaos Rhino - EVIL METAL BOX!
- Defiler - Rape machine.
- Chaos Predator - The yellow bus that explodes.
- Hell Talon - Tosses canisters of AIDs on everybody. Is said to re-arm in Africa.
Daemonhunters
| —Inquisitorial saying. |
The Inquisition: everyone's fucking guilty. Thinking about that sweet sweet loli? Say gbye to your knees. Are you a newfag? The Daemonhunters are already on their way! They can't quite spell simple 5 letter words like "demon", but hey, whatever, who needs spelling when you have the firepower the Inquisition is packing? Currently under the watchful eye of their supreme commander, Chris Hansen, Daemonhunters stand head and shoulders above everyone else in the world of 40K, mainly because they've probably just chopped off some knees.
Daemonhunters have right to kill, slaughter, maim, and deep fry the innocent citizens of the Imperium in their ongoing efforts to purify the taint of Chaos infiltration. The Grey Knights are the people you definitely DON'T want to see, because they are liable to kill anything remotely resembling a furry on sight with their anti-daemon banhammers. The Inquisitors are even worse - to make up for their lack of genetic augmentation, they use flamethrowers. Deep fry hurts. In any case, All Your Base Are Belong to Them Always.
Like IRL special authorities, they have way to much legal power and usually use it to make the lives of citizens miserable while ignoring real criminals.
Nonetheless, the cleansing properties of the Daemonhunters and their zeal for purity deserve recognition. They have commonly been spotted in online forums combating the furry plague wherever it spreads.
Also, the Daemonhunters killed Zalgo. Deal with it.
UNITS:
- Grey Knights - Space Marines on steroids.
- Grey Knight Terminators - Space Marines on steroids with wrist mounted hate-machines.
Eldar
Remember the top of the page, the part about how the universe of WH40K got fucked up in the first place? Well here we are, the section on the fappers who ruined it for the rest of us.
If you thought the pointy eared freaks called elves in traditional fantasy genres were bad, you clearly haven't seen space elves, which are actually pointy-headed freaks. The Eldar think themselves superior to all other lesser races despite the fact that they are responsible for fucking up the universe for everyone else.
- Guns - the Eldar have pathetic guns. Every other faction has cooler guns than the pathetic "shuriken throwers" that they use. Shuriken? Give me a break. They think they are ninjas, and have the psyche of your average 8-year-old Naruto fangirl.
- Looks - Pointy headed freaks,butt-plug shaped helmets, and dildo shaped rifles. Yeah. Real cool. I rest my case.
- Women - It is widely known that even the ORKS have better women than the Eldar (and Orks reproduce using spores). Eldar females are so fucking scary that Eldar Banshees are one of the most elite fighting units, widely renowned for scaring the living shit out of other units and causing failed leadership checks (another excuse for failures to roll dice).
There ya go. The Eldar truly have NOTHING going for them. The Eldar suck so much that players only use them for the lulz.
Dark Eldar
The Dark Eldar were originally Eldar, but after the Fall of the Eldar decided that hey, orgies are fun, lets keep it up and add in masochist tendencies, sex slaves, and fetish shit! The Eldar are pointed headed freaks, but the Dark Eldar are pointy headed fuckers. The Dark Eldar are what you get if the angsty Faggoth Emos made their own army, and presumably that is what these things were intended for. They torture prisoners to death, wear black spiky clothes, use beaten slaves to do their bidding, and generally act the same way emos wish they could act IRL.
Whoever wrote up the Dark Eldar is a sick fuck.
Whoever plays the Dark Eldar is a sick Otaku Furry Fag who's more than likely had a run-in with Chris Hansen before. They are also obviously lolicons, into animal pr0n, and basically sick and decadent in every way. They should be ignored, reviled, and reported to the proper authorities immediately.
Necrons
You see, the Necrons were an old people that ran into some fairly nasty gods way out in space. Said gods liked to stick their deity dicks into stars and they eventually became entombed in metallic bodies to serve the bidding of their masters the Necrons. Until, however, the gods got too hungry and started EATING FUCKERS. The gods promised the living Necron race immortality and fun times if they'd sacrifice their bodies to the gods to be replaced with metallic-y goodness. So the Necrons were all eaten by the gods and turned into brainless terminators. The Necrons are now scattered around the galaxy in stasis chambers, awaiting the order to reawaken and star in Terminator 10. Arnold Schwarzenegger, current governor of Cahlifoernia, is a Necron. They'll beh bahck.
Necron players are split into two groups. Group 1 is composed of relatively innocent Terminator fanboys, who may or may not have gay desires for the current governor of California. Group 2 is full of sick necrophiliacs who are into human anatomy and will likely fulfill their hidden urges by pursuing medical school. Both groups have yet to realize that the Necrons are fairly overpowered and do not have the lulz factor that justifies playing them.
Tyranids
The Tyranids are 40K's rendition of the Zerg (Despite the fact that 40K came out at least 100 years before Starcraft). They sail through space in massive hive fleets, devouring all genetic material in their path and absorbing it into their culture. Because they've devoured quite a large number of nigger worlds, the average Tyranid now has an IQ of -5 and a craving for chicken. You are what you eat.
Everybody (and by that we mean Gooks) want Tyranids in Dawn of War 2 because then Asians can play Dawn of War just like they play Starcraft. Tyranid players are all zergling rush fags online. Too bad Tyranids are retarded bipolar fucknuts who can't go five feet away from a smarter Tyranid because they can't fucking wipe their own ass without a helping hand.
Tyranids in the tabletop game on the other hand are another matter entirely. The basic infantry unit (Vortigaunt), is cheaper than most of other races, but still can fuck your shit up good. To make matters worse, their heavy units are also just as cheap, so just picture a Zerg rush coupled with a whole fucking battalion of living, breathing, shitting tanks and you can probably guess that you're fucked.
Orks
The Orks are the greenest niggers that don't know how to do anything except for fight. They are, as a rule comic relief degenerates who can't even speak correctly and are a waste of society's resources.
Orks are the only army in the game to use proper guns. While Eldar use ninja-star guns and Imperial Guard use playstation-guncons, and Tau use energy weapons, Orks stick with American guns.However, they are all shit-heads who don't know how to build shit, so they have psychic powers that makes things work the way they want them to work. So yeah, they cheat. Despite this, they like nothing more (and are good for nothing more) than punching some noob in the face. Which only proves how retarded they are.
Orks also have a special term called a "WAAAAAGH" for their version of crusades, where the different clans gather under one warlord to pwn surrounding worlds. This was derived from the cries of your average 13 year old boy in reflection of the IQ rating of players dumb enough to drop $300 USD for stacks of plastic and green paint.
You may have noticed that Orks seem to talk sort of funny. This is because many denizens of the internetz are Orks, or have the IQ thereof at least, as demonstrated by their conversations.
ORK Conversation
- ORK 1 - HEY! GETZ OVAH DERES!
- ORK 2 - IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!!!
- ORK 1 - I SAIDZ GO UPZ DERE!
- ORK 2 - STOPZ BEFORE I CALLZ THE DAKKAZ ON YOUZ!!!
- ORK 1 - WAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
(Gunfire)
It should be noted that, unlike all the other races in Warhammer, the Orks don't take life seriously. They fight because they want to have fun. Truly, internetz dwellers and Orks are just brothers from different mothers. Similarly, there are no ork females. They produce via fungus spores. Srsly. They don't even masturbate Of course they fucking masturbate, everybody masturbates.
Witch Hunters
On the other end of the sickfuck spectrum from the Dark Eldar, lie the female dominatrix legions of the Witch Hunters. Normal Inquisitors are lame. Angry white haired, well endowed ladies in red and black latex are toting guns and here for your soul. The female branch of the Inquisition demonstrates that A.) Women are clearly inferior to Men, as seen by differences in armour and weapons skill and B.) Gunslinger chicks can be sort of hawt, if you're into plastic pr0n.
Players who field the Battle Sisters come in two forms:
- Horny 13-year-olds who fantasize about being dominated by women - enough said.
- Feminists - They enjoy the smell of man-flesh burning in the fires of hand-held promethium in the morning. Sick bastards.
On the flip side, the Sisters hate furries and other mutants with a passion and want to burn anything and everything that isn't human - an admirable goal.
Tau
The Tau are what you would get if the Chinks were blue and in space, and used bigass guns rather than Zerg Rushes to kill foes. They were probably designed so that Anime-worshiping Otaku could have their own special species, as shown by the fact Tau all use giant battle-suits in order to look high-tech. The Tau are the only WH40k species that have realized that IRL guns beat swords, and so make the most badass guns possible and hope that the bayonet-toting cannon-fodder don't get too close.Being "White knights" who give everybody a chance, the Tau army is full up of all sorts of weirdos, degenerates and creeps. The Tau were invented by GW to tap into the anime faggot demographic which was neglected up until this point.
TL;DR- gamesworkshop made the Tau for Wapanese players.
- Fire Warriors - These are the blue, hairless furries that carry around the best ranged weaponry in the 40K universe. This means that every fire warrior toting player is a shameless gunline whore who only uses the most fagalacious strategy evar and is entirely incapable of creative thinking. Fire Warriors are shameful pussies in hand to hand combat, and couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with any object requiring physical strength to operate even if their lives depended on it (which in the universe of 40K, it usually does). Games involving these are easily decided; if there is a blank table, Tau win. If there is ANY cover at all, Tau lose. This means that Tau games usually involve 15 minutes of actual gaming after arguing for 2 hours about the placement of trees on the board.
- Kroot - These featherless birdmen things are there to save the asses of the Tau when it comes to close combat. Troops come naked with spears and knives, and they look like the predator from that Arnold movie, except with a beak instead of a vagina-mouth. The fight in order to eat the dead corpses, making them the only species other than the Tyranids who do not have a completely retarded reason for fighting. They also ride big gorillas, lead around dog-things and have giant pet dinosaur-things, in order to chop up big chunky enemies into bite-sized pieces. Anybody who plays Kroot excessively or as their own army is without exception a closet cannibal.
- Vespids - Big blue bugs. Presumably they represent the Japanese, since they are both creepy, impossible to understand, and serve the Chinks.
Imperial Guard
Throughout the majority of human history, any military unit labeled "imperial" or "guard" has generally been of superior quality and capable of dishing out the pwn on everyone else. In the fagged up universe of 40K, the profusion of furry monsters, man eating eurocunts and random killing machines render the best that humanity has to offer (Space Marines and any other persons with steroid counts above 80% of Barry Bonds levels don't count) mere cannon fodder. The Imperial Guard of Man is devoted to the emperor and proud of losing billions of men from a million worlds each day in defense of the Imperium. The Communists just wish they could lose this many men in battle.
IG fare in the 40K universe is pretty standard. Each trooper is issued several things and told to go off to war.
- Lasgun - Your basic laser blaster thingamajig. It sucks so much that players affectionately refer to it as the "flashlight". The Imperium prides itself in the reliability of its basic weapons - the IG lasgun will reliably never hit anything, never penetrate armor, never wound, and never make a difference.
- Bayonet - 12 inches of good fine steel vs. lightsabers, zerg, power axes, tanks....
- Flak Jacket - Outdated since 1944.
- The Tactica Imperium - Nice little booklet so everyone can RTFM. Is seriously used for toilet paper or rolled into cigarettes.
Despite that kind of gear, the Imperium of Man is STILL the most powerful faction in 40K. This is because it can actually afford to lose billions of people each day as chump change. This is because not only are they communist, but the AZNs actually took over and continued their rampant populating of blank spaces. This is also why every plastic human soldier is a whitey. In fact, they don't even sell Asian skin color paint. Its because the Azns are all controlling it from behind. sneaky sneaky, eh?
In addition to the soldiers, there are several supporting departments in the IG.
- The Ecclesiarchy - Supplies priests armed with two handed chainsaws capable of cutting tanks in half. Yeah. Holy shit indeed.
- The Psykers - Delivering Epic Mindfuck since 40,092.
- The Kasrkin squads - The SS of the Imperial Guard, 'nuff said.
- Only the most hardcore of the Death Korps of Krieg can dance AND wipe the floor with your ass.
- The Commissariat - The most badass communists you ever saw. Ever.
- Baneblade - killdozer crewed by hackers on steroids.
The Imperial Guard supports genocide of all non-humans, and is willing to send YOU into battle to accomplish this. If you don't like that, the local Commissar will motivate you to do it anyway.
Imperial Guard Players
It is common knowledge that all Imperial Guard players have at some point tried to enlist into the armed forces and have either been denied, or washed out in the first five seconds and are also all closet Nazis. As such, they see themselves as elite amongst other warhammer players, constantly trying to refer back to real world army crap, complain about a lack of realism, and enact godwin.
Typical banter includes
- Ah yes, the lasgun is most comparable to the M16 for its accuracy, but it has the reliability of an AK47 and the magazine capacity of a P90, I know all this because I use these guns in counterstrike
Warseer Forums
Over 9000 years ago there existed a warhammer forum called Portent.net that was enjoyed by all the good Warhams.For some unknown reason one day the GW legal team decided that Portent was in breach of GW IP and BAWLEETED everything. Lost and confused, many Warhams killed themselves in the interim period. Eventually some fag called Nick decided to found a new forum in the spirit of the original Portent, and thus Warseer.net was born. After the massive Warham purge of 1978, however, all that was left to populate the new forum was a series of rapists, pedos and terrorists. The worst of these individuals were recruited into the mod team and began to rule over the forums with an spunk crusted fist. Warseer quickly degenerated into mind numbing circle jerk in which any comments interpreted as remotely negative resulted in a banned account. It is common knowledge that only discussions on female space marines are permited on warseer by the mod team. As a result of the extreme micromanaging mod team Warseer has been subject to inumerable raids from such groups as Slaaneshi Daemon World, which have resulted in even more lulzworthy crackdowns on the forum populace.
Dramaticus Personae
Wintermute
Widely agreed to be the worst mod in existence, Wintermute inrl is a 40 something nambla advocate who splits his time between discussing issues with forum members, 'babysitting' his sister's young sons, and working as a temp in a model shop somewhere in the south of britain. Wintermute will ban you for basically anything because as his profile occupation states, he "wields the banhammer". Here are some of the reasons why you will be banned by wintermute:
- Being a nigger
- Saying pepsi is better than coke
- Posting a space marine without tits
- Being a bug chaser
- Goatse
- Being alive
- being dead
- Posting anything
- Not posting anything
PhilBrad
Some random pervert mod with a fetish for Kylie Minogue with cancer. was recently arrested and sent to prison for stalking Ms Minogue. Somehow he still manages to mod from inside his cell.
Starlight
A Warseer mod who claimed for the longest time to be an overweight Canadian lesbian. After some time it was revealed that starlight was in fact an overweight Canadian homosexual male. It is unknown why he is still a mod but it is widely speculated that upon news of this revelation, Nick simply shrugged continued and continued receiving a blowjay from the newly emancipated tranny.
Doc Thunder
A regular poster of Warseer, Doc Thunder has a condition that forces him to sculpt tits on whatever model he is currently working on. Worse, because of a lack of general talent Doc Thunder actually has to hire outside help to assist him in mounting tits on various tanks, griffons and grues. When confronted over his awful preoccupation Doc Thunder will compose a 13 page reply defending his art and calling into question the sexuallity of the questionaire
Scryer in the Darkness
Aussiefag who trolls the news and rumor forums and calls dibbs on reporting anything 40k related,when not taking it up the ass from warseer user:The Dude, hes spending every waking moment of his life ripping news from other 40k sites like belloflostsouls and pretending to be a mod with empty threats of the ban-hammer.
You
Whether or not you are aware, you are part of the cancer that killed Warseer. Enjoy your 15 page discussions on Ork fecal systems and Eldar date rape you sick fuck.
Typical uses for warhammer toys
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Related
- Exterminatus Now - What you get when Furries decide they like WH40k.
External Links
- /tg/s 40.000 wiki
- Official Games Workshop Website
- Official Dawn of War Website
- Science Fiction Forums
- Warseer Forums
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