World of Warcraft
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Warning!: EVERQUEST II IS A BETTER GAME. |
World of Warcraft, commonly known as “WoW” or "Wow, my life has gone down the shitter" is a MMORPG created by Blizzard after they decided to jump in on the MMO bandwagon. It now has 11 million subscribers, proving there is no God. It is currently the largest hub of MMO gaming for fat greasy nerds, usually weighing several thousand pounds apiece, killing internet dragons for pretend money and experience points, making them strong enough to kill bigger internet dragons. Trapped in this cycle, they play in their parents' basements, emerging only eight hours per week to tell the world about their newest magical weapons and arena levels.
The inhabitants of the WoW forums are also among the most chronically illiterate losers on the face of the planet. In fact, WoW players are considered to be so horrible that even other MMO players spit on them. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...
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Game
You must first begin by downloading three gigabytes of client and ten terabytes of patches. It will take approximately half a month to download from their shitty P2P network. You develop eager anticipation during the wait.
After managing to get past the buggy software and buggy login screen, you are given a 10-page questionnaire on deciding what server you will spend the rest of your life on, how many piercings you want on your character's cock, guessing which broken/overpowered class to play on, and etcetera.
After that jive, you get a quick introduction and your first quest. By the time you turn that quest in and get the second, you'll quickly realize what you'll be doing the majority of the game. Srsly. Your virtual you gains experience by questing (killing the same ten monsters over and over for experience), grinding (killing the same ten monsters over and over for experience), or just being lazy and following someone around "Leeching" ("watching" them kill the same ten monsters over and over for experience). This involves venturing through eight surreal worlds with fel-demons and demons and fel-demon-fels.
Once you manage to get to level 80 in EverQuest for Kids, you will probably have to join a guild if you haven't already. Guilds usually set aside a few hours each night to grab as many of their members as possible and fight some sort of demon or dragon that drops an oversized weapon. This will spark drama over who gets to loot the weapon. You know, just like in every other MMO?
How to Succeed at World of Warcraft
1. Don't buy or play World of Warcraft.
2. That's it. You win. Congratulations.
Races
World of Warcraft delivers a plethora of fictional races to escape your depressing existence:
The Alliance
The Alliance mainly consists of children and teenagers who sit on their character jacking off rather than doing their math homework, so teamwork and gameplay on this faction is a smorgasbord of unorganized disaster and AIDS. Everyone is a goddamn Night Elf.
- Humans - The only available race where players can feel safe without having to know they aren't some retarded mutant like in IRL. The men are abnormally bulky and the women have unusually large heads.
- Dwarves - The dwarves may be Jewish: Huge noses, long beards, retarded dances, and a racial ability to find treasure.
- Gnomes - This race is commonly played by 13-year-old boys who spend all day PvPing instead of graduating middle school. Gnome players will make unfunny jokes such as "gnomercy". Common tactics to PvP are to hide inside peoples' non-clipped asses to make it impossible to hit.
- Night Elves - The whores of the Warcraft world, closely modeled off of real whores, and the closest thing Blizzard has gotten to anime in order to increase sales due to all the stupid Naruto fanboys out there. Mostly played as female by men to get attention from other men and epic lewt under the guise of being a hot MySpace whore.
- Draenei - The first expansion race gives the Alliance big blue Russian aliens with penis-tails for their beard. They can be found in Shattrath City, getting drugs from their dealers known as Naaru.
- Worgen - Because so many furfags bitched over how the Alliance didn't have a furry class of their own, Blizzard decided to be retarded and give them what they want. Now every user will be yiffing each other as soon as they buy the damn expansion.
The Horde
The Horde consists of a mixture of neckbeards, fat, and acne. They will always win in PvP matches and kill the dragons first. The amount of points in Internet damage they can do is directly proportional to their weight in pounds. Everyone is a goddamn Blood Elf.
- Orcs - Orcs are big, have an out of the ordinary skin color, and prone to anally rape small moving things with battle axes. Players who use this race are whiter than white.
- Undead - Goths use these, period. Just start smoking Djarum Blacks now.
- Tauren - This race is the ideal race for furries and neckbeards. Half of the Tauren userbase will have the word "moo" in their names because they think they are clever and internet-funny, when in reality they need to cut off circulation on their dick and set themselves on fire.
- Blood Elves - The other ridiculously faggoty elf race of the game. Joined the Horde BAWWWWWing because the Alliance wouldn't give them respect. Surprisingly, neither does the Horde. The males look like a cross between rejected Sephiroth/Dragon Ball Z fanart and the females are anorexic bitches. Of course, a ton of them have weeaboo names, along with multiple variants of "Legolas".
- Goblins - See Gnomes, take the orcs and mix them together. As well as dwarves, they have big noses. They also really, really like gold. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
Classes
After choosing a race, the player is given the choice of what class they should choose for their character. Blizzard employees insert a marble dildo halfway into their asses and type on their keyboards with the base of the dildo to make changes and balance fixes in the game with upcoming patches.
- Warrior - All you do is melee combat things for countless hours of your life, nothing more. No one will expect you to do anything but act as a meat shield. No one trusts you enough to DPS.
- Paladin- Everybody expects this class to heal, and if you do anything else, people will hate you. Because it makes perfect sense that the class in full plate should stand in the back and heal.
- Hunter - Most popular class for CASUALS. You capture poor, defenseless animals and make them your slave. It's also the base of every argument on thottbot.com to dictate that every weapon is a "hunter weapon".
- Priest - The whiny healing bitch. Played only by faggots who like to attend 80-man raids on a finicky AOL connection. Their purpose is to beat the tank in aggro to die and fuck over the raid group.
- Mage - Only for making food and water for the Koreans; serves as a dispenser.
- Shaman - Noone gives a quarter of a shit for this class and/or forgot all about it. You're only there just to plant some stupid totems and sit in the corner to hallucinate.
- Druid - The race where you can become MOAR FURRY, or otherwise just serve as another healing bitch. They are clearly a cheap hybrid-class knockoff of the superior paladins. The previous sentence is guaranteed to cause EXTREME FUCKING RAGE in chat.
- Warlock - Like hunters, but Satanic. If you enjoy being a huge, overpowered faggot, warlockery is for you. Requires being able to hit five buttons, those wacky warlocks! Usually played by trenchcoat-wearing goth sodomites.
- Rogue- This class is only played by 13 year-old boys. Rogues only require you to be able to hit one button.
- Death Knight - The first "Hero Class" in the game introduced with about an hour of quests in new locations YOU WILL NEVER FUCKING SEE OR MAKE REFERENCE TO EVER AGAIN. Introduced in the second expansion (see below), they start out evil but are soon presto-changeo'd into good guys so they can fit in with the rest of society. This is the exciting brand new class that everyone makes, but no one will bother inviting because there are TOO FUCKING MANY. They are as useless as warriors, as Blizzard was creative enough to make them exactly like such. The only new thing this class comes with is a character voice that sounds like they have semen trapped in their lungs.
Expansions
- The Burning Crusade - The first expansion for the game lets you go through the Dark Portal. It also lets you go into the Black Temple and fight Illidan. You spend around $100 for the expansion and prepaid game cards to grind your character to level 70, where the end-game content there became obsolete.
- Wrath of the Lich King - The second expansion takes place in Canadia, where all the homosexual zombies are at. The mascot emo faggot on the boxart that everyone was excited to raid up and kill makes no useful appearance in the game other than a worthless quest giver and four scripted cutscene events. Instead, it is your job to go kill frozen stone French giants. You must pay $100 more to get the expansion and the separate game time. $200 if you want to get the collectors edition to get an in-game dragon pet and a book.
- Cataclysm - This is going to be to be the next expansion, but honestly, who cares? Basically, you get a fucking furfag race and some midget orcs. You also get the same boring worlds from the original game with lava added. It's due out soon. You will be able to play as a goblin or a worgen. You can also play as a Tauren Paladin in a ruined world. To quote Blizzard, "LAWL lore".
Guilds
Like every MMORPG, in order to see the vast majority of the game, players will need to join a guild. The purpose of a guild is to enable the guild master and his best friends to get run through the high level dungeons so they can gear up their characters, so they can go into the next dungeon and get the next set of gear for themselves. It is the responsibility of the other guild members to somehow get their own gear so they can help keep their online masters clothed in the most fashionable of equipment.
Guilds tend to be a great source of drama, especially when epic loots are involved. Due to this, guilds seem to form up and dissolve every second.
The Official WoW Forums
As with most good MMORPGs, World of Warcraft has its own public forums. Subscribers can discuss tactics, roleplay, offer up item trades and sales, and of course, bitch and moan about how the game sucks and everyone should be playing Warhammer instead. (Which they SHOULD be.) Chuck Norris jokes, horrifying roleplay, trolling posts, worthless bug reports, really STUPID suggestions for future patches... All that and a bag of chips is what you'll find within these hollowed walls.
Additional instances cannot be launched, please try again later
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Some time after the release of the second expansion pack (see above), a massive "bug" was discovered in World of Warcraft wherein people could no longer gain their epic lewts. When a player tries to enter a dungeon portal, a large message will flash on their screen stating "Additional instances cannot be launched, please try again later". Most people took great offense to this as they figured since they were giving Blizzard their money, they should be entitled to do what they want when they want how they want. The truth of the matter is that Blizzard's hardware just can't keep up with all the people "raiding" at the same time. Naturally, people just don't want to believe this due to the fact that Blizzard takes in at least $165,000,000 USD a month in revenue. ($15.00/month x 11 million people.) What people don't seem to realize is that Blizzard also wants people to GO OUTSIDE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR YOU FUCKING LOSERS.
WoW "Celebrities"
A WoW celebrity is someone who constantly craves attention in the WoW universe because he/she/it knows they fail hard IRL. Either by saying random stuff, typing like this: lolz i r the prince of da serva, trolling the forums, or just plain being faggots. There are some on every server, and that is why they added the /ignore console. Lecturing WoW faggots in the game results in losing the game, so don't even try.
WoW forum "trolls" are a unique brand of mouth breathing fucktards. Unawares that outside of the safe haven of their mothers' collective basement, they serve as a reminder that you could be worse off in life. Evidence that post-natal abortion should be legalized.
For example, Lenox is a recent WoW celebrity. Claiming, among other things, that Blizzard has offended him because he is a disgusting fat body.
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Congratulations on your celebrity status. GG.
Reality
What most WoW faggots don't realize is that they are paying for a copy of Diablo II mixed with EverQuest, and made to look like Warcraft (as evident by the obvious direct usage of Diablo II's skill tree and many skills and game mechanics taken directly from Diablo II). Eventually Blizzard plans to release a huge patch that will troll most WoWers into oblivion by changing WoW into Diablo III online.
Sex
Although WoW faggots never engage in heterosex IRL, they often “Pwn” or “gank” each other within the game when not standing around cities shouting "LFG..." or "WTS..." PVP has become such a dominant force in WoW that new PVP servers are being opened all the time, including RP-PVP servers.
One of the reasons WoW faggots abstain from sex is that they prefer to be with “their own kind”, but since WoWers rarely leave their homes (busy with the srs biz raiding), this is thought to be a filthy lie. In short, it's better that they don't breed.
Porn
Take your pick:
- Horrific live-action WoW porn
- Horrific drawn WoW porn
- Horrific drawn, live-action and 3D WoW porn
Blizzcon, Also Where Nobody Gets Laid
Occasionally WoW players will leave their homes for what the blue names call “Blizzcon”, and what WoW players call "5\/\/337 d00d". Here, a large number of "WoW patients" can be seen. Their complications are diverse - ranging from mild conditions such as Carpal Tunnel and Leetspeak, to a severe case of ugly.
Sometimes attractive people can be seen at a Blizzcon claiming to be WoW faggots. These are not really WoW faggots; they are models paid by Blizzard to appear at these pathetic vomit-inducing functions.
The only reason to go to this convention is to seal the deal on finally quitting WoW, realizing that these are the horrible people you have been playing with.
Roleplaying Servers
Roleplaying servers are hotbeds of gay Internet sex, thinly disguised as heterosexual or lesbian relations through the power of the Internets. When a nerd just cannot sit down with himself and come to terms with the fact that he is most likely cybering other men, he turns to roleplaying servers so that he can pretend better. Roleplaying servers spawn such people as Adella and her many sugar daddies. Communities like this one have risen from this type of shit and it's best you avoid them.
Since only Blizzard employees and people with VIP accounts can use the command to make the characters rape everyone else, they use add-ons such as FagRSP to advertise to each other their willingness to mate. It's something like IRL gays posting pictures of their cocks on Hotornot, but with much more abuse of the English language. Some argue FagRSP users are the greatest source of drama and lulz in the game, and one person has continued to milk the lol-cow, much to the delight of lulz enthusiasts.
Darknest is also based around the pathetic faggots who beat off to naked night elves dancing on mail boxes. While there are many ERP (Erotic Role Play) guilds on many servers, Scarlet Crusade is known to have the highest population of these unwashed losers. If you play on that server you (or move to that server after reading this) you're a faggot and need to be euthanized.
Datecraft
Because people get lonely, roleplaying servers get boring, and slave trading and auctions are so inaccurate, certain World of Warcraft players took it upon themselves to make an OKCupid-like dating site dedicated to people looking to hook up in real life and play the game they love so much together. Thus, Datecraft was born unto the world! The self-proclaimed "video game dating realm", had originally focused on World of Warcraft players, but due to popular demand, it has since expanded to other online games like Ragnarok Online and IMVU.
Addiction
Sufferers of the WoW addiction commonly refer to themselves as “WoWers”, “GamerZ”, or in the most severe cases as “Alliance” or “Horde”.
WoW addiction goes through several phases, similar to the psychobiological phases of chemical drug addictions. This should comes as no surprise, as the Blizzard employees are reportedly paid in crack. WoW takes several steps beyond mundane addictions, with increasingly unstable behavior. If you have a friend or colleague whom you suspect of being a WoW addict, it is important to carefully gauge their level of addiction before taking any other action.
- Check their room for a “WoW” box, subscription card, or wrist brace. Often early signs such as this can make all the difference, since while it's unlikely they will be cured, you can take action to prevent friends and loved ones from being infected.
- If you happen to walk in on a WoWer during on of their sessions, (as is most likely the case since that’s about all they ever do), DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT, interrupt the game. He may try to gank you with his replica sword he got at the Renfaire.
- It's entirely possible that you may catch a WoWer during an intense masturbation session (typically mid-cyber in the tram). You have been warned.
- From bank statements, see if they're buying from Chinese gold farmers. If you find this to be the case, you can be sure their addiction has taken precedence over any other financial considerations, and should immediately remove any items of value from anywhere in the area. Don't worry, they'll be too busy grinding to stop you.
- Severe addicts will commonly be in the habit of shitting in socks so as not to leave one's seat and thus get ganked by some level 23 loser. These hopeless cases are referred to as "poopsockers", and should be terminated with extreme prejudice.
There are but four cures for WoW addiction:
- Their self extermination. Preferably through fire.
- Assisted extermination by a merciful soul. Preferably through fire.
- Having a shred of willpower, and selling your account for many real dollars to some more-addicted sucker. Then you can buy delicious cake.
- Make them play Darkfall for a week. They'll be sure to never play MMORPGs ever again!
Players spend countless hours over this game. It will be hard to break them of their addiction, but in rare cases, if they kill themselves like Shawn Woolley did with EQ, you can Lysol their PC down and sell it.
- There is however a risk with breaking a WoW players addiction by force. Certain under 18 players are prone to extreme meltdowns on the scale of Chernobyl. Scientists point to this phenomenon triggering when said players parents deny access to World of Warcraft. It is highly recommended that anyone living within the vicinity of said players immediately evacuate.
Slavery
Modern slavery is known as "Gold Farming" and is intended to keep the Yellow menace down. When the United States banned slavery, it was a very sad time for slave owners. Later, the niggers started to demand reparations, so something simply had to be done. The Man decided that slavery had to be moved offshore, to ensure continued economic prosperity for Microsoft.
Farming has been around since before the Internet, but nobody could ever figure out how to grow money until Ultima Online was invented. It isn't known who made the initial breakthrough, but it's thought that Alan Greenspan's lackeys were primarily responsible, since only they could have conceived of such a brilliantly sick and perverse means of enriching themselves. However, the advent of the practice was probably inevitable, since despite their addiction, WoWers often find themselves unable to play 24 hours a day and must find another way to continue while they sleep, eat, or go to the bathroom. So, for $0.50 per hour, a barely-educated commie living in a sweaty room will play WoW for them. Needless to say, the commie himself earns roughly $0.05 per week.
Sometimes it's difficult for players to distinguish the gold-field workers from monkeys or robots. They often repeat the same mistakes and speak gibberish (like monkeys!) Work is being done to translate some of their moonspeak. Know your Chinaman by these phrases: "ni hao," "[Krol Blade] ok??," "water 1g?," "is 4 guildie," "deal giev ok??10g," and "tusoNgaMe $5 4 2thousand free!"
Those that speak English become the "boss boss" and take all the money, while the slaves do all the work.
For more information, check out this Chinese gold farmer documentary made by actual gold farmers.
On Private Servers
Private servers were available for poor people, and unemployed losers that can't/won't pay $15 per month for the retail version. Most servers featured larger numbers of item drops from monsters and higher rates of experience, because everyone knows that a 13-year-old boy that thought about it for ten minutes knows about gameplay and balance better than Blizzard's professional staff who spent years developing the game.
The big downside of private servers is that no one that ran a private server actually knows shit about how the game works, so they made changes by letting their cat walk on their keyboard to see what happened. While some cats are known to be excellent administrators, most of them are still just retarded. And then, Blizzard targeted the fuck out of private servers. Oops.
Trolling Techniques
These generate various effects - some bring lulz and some just fail. Experiment and find your own lulz. However, Blizzard, like most companies, disabled trade/chatroom from trial accounts, because of Chink gold farmers. A paid account is required for the best effort in lulz.
- Join a server with a trial account and make a human, for maximum noob trolling.
- Set auto follow on new players; for whatever reason this really pisses people off.
- Try to trade your skills in trade chat.
- Join parties for dungeons as a healer and then leave about halfway through without saying anything. It works very well.
- Lead a party into an instance and then randomly boot players from it.
- Copypasta annoying songs in trade channel.
- Start listing the name of movies with "Murloc" in the title like Indiana Murloc and The Temple of Doom or Debbie Does Murloc.
- If Horde, start shit with people in Barrens chat. It's a non-PvP area filled with low level players, so they can't hurt you or retaliate. You can troll to your heart's content.
- Buy a guild chart, with an utterly gay and/or noob name (use only small case letters, or ALL CAPS), and start randomly trying to get people's signatures. Try it until they ignore you.
- When some douche is trying to heal you when you take damage, run in the opposite direction, so you don't get healed. Keep doing so until they say something, then keep doing it.
- Join battlegrounds at the smallest level possible, and start talking shit about how people have no fucking idea how to play the game.
- Ninja any piece of loot. This will require a time investment, but if you steal the right piece of loot, you will ignite a shitstorm of drama that should keep you entertained for at least five minutes. You CAN NOT get banned for this
- Tell people what to do, and when they say you have no idea what you're on about, retaliate with "Your such a noob, I have five level 80's and three Death Knights, I know what I'm talking about".
- When using the auction house, be sure to put up shit people need without buyout. Then pull it off the auction house before it sells - this is essentially the closest any WoW player gets to the transfer of goods between consenting individuals.
- Announce in trade chat that [name of player] is quitting WoW forever and is giving all their gold to the first person who whispers them!
- Say that (INSERT OVERHYPED UP AND COMING SHITTY MMORPG HERE) is the WOWkiller.
- Try to start debates on the game's lore. WoW's lore is so discombobulated that not even the most devout player will agree that it makes an iota of fucking sense. This is best done on a RP server.
- Bitch loudly about how you can't spend achievement points.
- Note that Runescape is a much superior online game.
Some Videos
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World of Gallerycraft
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See Also
- People
- Sites and Guilds
- Memes and other Pop Culture References
- Related Games
External Links
- OMG the subtitles are wrong!
- A documentary on a WoW-addict.
- This kid.
- WoW Funeral Raid
- Rotten Apples: The worst lusers in Warcraft getting what they deserve.
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