Masturbation
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Masturbation is having sex without a partner (No, the computer does not count). Masturbation is the only reason why the internet exists. It's pretty much what nerds and loser basement dwellers do while watching hentai, which was created by a bunch of Japanese pervs who can't masturbate due to their penises being so damn small. When not constantly refreshing their LiveJournal profile, LJ Users are usually masturbating to furry pornography and stick figures.
Masturbation, as a word, is used as a noun. The verb form of masturbation is to fap.
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[edit] History
According to expert Greek mythologists, the art of fapping was discovered at least 100 years ago by some attention whore godfag named Hermes. Hermes felt sorry that his furry son, Pan, could not have buttsex with his lover Echo, so he taught Pan ways to relieve himself. It comes as a surprise to noone that the first person to make liberal use of masturbation was a furry.
In actuality, masturbation has been around since the birth of human civilization, with the earliest known recordings being prehistoric rock paintings depicting a stick figure having a good ol' wank. This was also the first known recording of gay pornography, and is also the first pornographic image in the whole world. The Egyptians considered masturbation to be the best thing ever, as they frequently jizzed on the faces of Egyptian men, boys, and Jew slaves being kept for the lulz. In fact, ancient Egyptians believed that one of their gods created the world by masturbating to the point of ejaculation, and that the Nile River attributed to the frequency of his ejaculation. Egyptian pharaohs, in response, were required to cum into the Nile ever year. Cleopatra actually squirted the "milk" she took a bath in every day.
Up until recently, masturbation was considered an immoral act by Christfags, and in some circles, it still is. and many people thought to they would go to hell for it. People then kept away from teh gheys, niggers, Jews, and giant dildos of death for fear of being b& to hell for eternity.
With the advent of the internets, basement dwellers don't have to get out of bed to fap. Just fire up your laptop, search for porn on Google, and you're all set. This has caused a major increase in virginity among males that are over 17, and because of the lack of men, white girls flock to black people like moths to a porch light ready and raring to take foot-long sausage up the pooper.
[edit] Masturbation in Society
Masturbation is still a touchy subject in the public sector. Bill Clinton's first choice for Surgeon General, Joyce Carol Oates the Elder, advocated the teaching of masturbation to school children by specialist volunteers. President Clinton fearing that self-sexually-satisfied interns would have no need or desire for his southern hospitality promptly relocated her to Bantown. As an act of protest she formed a soft (lol) rock band with her life partner Daryl Hall and recorded the song Maneater to publicize the real reason for her forced relocation. The Republicans, having sympathy for this poor black woman, retaliated by impeaching Clinton.
Oates also sued in civil court and won, resulting in Clinton being forced to sell all his property to pay for the judgment and thus having to move to Harlem. In fear that his penis would be taken and sold off at government auction, he had it surgically removed and given to a trustworthy individual for safe keeping until the whole thing blew over. His penis was last rumored to be living in New York and is trying to run for president, but failing epically against some uppity nigger.
[edit] Masturbation Personalities
- Masturbation Fundamentalist - The fundamentalist masturbates simply to get it over and done with when the sexual tension builds up to an irritating level. With a few exceptions, they've always masturbated the same exact way since puberty.
- Masturbation Hobbyist - The hobbyist masturbates to experiment with new and different techniques that range from
basic masturbation to bizarre methods. They like to continue masturbating throughout their life even if they have a great sexual relationship with their partner, husband, or wife. They have been even known to sometimes engage in or fantasise about jerking off with their friend and/or possibly getting together with a group of people for a "circle jerk". - Masturbation Connoisseur - The connoisseur is a highly educated masturbator that searches far and wide for the finest and most exquisite ways to beat their tenderloin meat. They may then travel world by themselves or with their favorite fellow masturbation enthusiast. Often they are members of exclusive clubs that charge a cover fee to sit around and wank off together while listing to music or watching some type of erotica. They believe masturbation is a science and an art, therefore many are qualified to teach PhD level courses in Hand Made Pleasure.
- Masturbation Daredevil - The daredevil thinks they are creative, but often just they end up embarrassed, arrested, or dead. These tend to be the people you hear about who hang themselves or tie plastic bags around their head in a pathetic effort to mimic autoerotic asphyxiation. They are also the ones you read about in the newspaper that get caught pulling off in public parks or movie theatres. Sometimes they idolize who they claim is the only "true masturbation hero", Mr. Pee Wee Herman.
- Lunarsandwich - a category of his own- the universe's best goat masturbator.
- Danger Wanking - The Danger Wanker has possibly the most lulziest ideas out of all the Wanker categories. This Wanker lies in his bed, starts wanking, and then shouts "MUUUUMMMM! COME HERE!" and then rushes to get finished and cleaned before his mother arrives. Living in the same building as your mother makes this technique more effective.
- Face-painter - a man who jerks it to womens' non-pr0n MySpace pics and shoots his load on them, then photographs the cumpcovered printouts of the pics and puts those photos on MySpace. Normally an evolved form of the Masturbation Daredevil, face-painters consider themselves to be artists. The rest of the world sees them as sick fucks.
[edit] Masturbation in relation to God
A particularly interesting religious phenomenon occurs whilst stimulating one's genitalia. Most masturbators feel that God is watching them. They report sensing that God is purveying his godly eyes over the sinful scene. Others have reported that this God is actually known as ceiling cat.
[edit] Slang
Slang terms for masturbation include:
- shameless self promotion
- baking a cake
- playing godhand
- releasing the hostages
- spanking hank
- shakin' hands with the one-eyed milkman
- spanking the ham
- slapping your ham
- slamming the ham
- flogging your log
- meeting the bishop
- polishing your musket
- waxing your willy
- whacking your jack
- charming the one eyed python
- going to see Aunt Mary and her four daughters
- cleaning your pipes
- pounding your pud
- punching the clown
- lighting your wick
- playing pocket pool
- stroking it
- rubbing one off
- punching the one-eyed nun
- beating the meat
- pulling your goalie
- wanking
- jerking off
- jacking off
- pulling off
- shaking hands with the sheriff
- choking your chicken
- jerkin' your gherkin
- beating your meat
- shaking hands with shorty
- punching the clown
- whacking off
- killing some kittens
- dating Miss Michigan
- making some glue
- firing the surgeon general
- running in single user mode
- shaking hands with the minister of love
- waxing the dolphin, romancing yourself
- spanking the monkey
- spilling the chowder
- shaking hands with the unemployed
- benchpressing the wienermobile.
- hitting your shit
- churning the butter
- test firing the rape cannon
- tickling elmo
- dating Rosie Palm
- Catching the one eyed blue veined trouser trout
- Stroking your penis until orgasm is reached, whereupon a small amount of seminal fluid is deposited into a crusty sock.
- Squashing the squid
- Slapping the salami
[edit] Health Risks
| —Scientists quoted by the BBC |
Even today with the mass liberalization of America, many think it is wrong to masturbate or at least somewhat unsanitary. The only side effects of masturbation are wasted time, energy, money, tissues, lotion and self-esteem.
[edit] Myths
- Girls can fap too.
- FALSE. Contrary to popular belief, girls cannot fap. They schlik. But many girls say they like to fap due to severe penis envy.
- Masturbating too much can make you go blind.
- Masturbating too much can give you hairy palms.
- Black men masturbate too.
- TRUE. Black crack addicts often come out of alley ways forcing hawt white wyminz and tender supple boys to fap them off. Black men sometimes rape white women instead though.
- Masturbation can cause your penis to shrink and/or deform it.
- TRUE. Masturbating causes low self-esteem, which shrinks your penis by epic proportions. You penis can also look like a retarded carrot if you fap too much.
- Masturbating can give you spots
- TRUE; but only if you forget to wipe it off.
- You can get AIDS from masturbating.
- Only losers masturbate.
[edit] Gallery of Masturbation
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[edit] Videos (click to expand)
[edit] For the Furries (click to expand)
[edit] See also
- Ghostlight, Argos, Brainlesswonder, and anybody else who happens to think the Synthetikmisery article is boring.
- Abigaille
- Auto-fellatio
- Kraken's ghost
- Auto erotic asphyxiation
- Healthy Strokes
- List of Porn Parodies
- Dick Masterson
- Rule 34
- Ceiling cat
- I Came
- Furries
- Pedophiles
- Homosexuals
- Fetish
- Zoe Kimball
- Enjoy your hand
[edit] Related Links
If you want to find out where you fit in to the masturbation personality spectrum, porn sites are not the way to go! Trusted resources from the real experts include:
- Advanced Masturbation - Male techniques, myths, synonyms, lubrication advice and trojan horses.
- Some like to fem-fap with vibrators.
- JackinWorld - The ultimate male masturbation resource.
- Clitical.com - Female masturbation information, techniques, and advice.
- Masturbation Horror Stories
