Wal-Mart

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One of the fantasies of Sam Walton that started it all.

Where Satan resides. Wal-Mart (aka Hell) is a purgatory for desperate hillbillies, filthy spics, furries looking for stuffed animals to rape, and Jews who spent all their golds.

Wal-Mart was named after Waldo of the acclaimed "Where's Waldo?" book series; it was created at least 100 years ago while Sam Walton was at home huffing paint fumes and reading "Where's Waldo" books with Dragonball Z playing in the background. It was during a moment of epiphany, fapping to mental images of Waldo sodomizing Goku when he realized that not only did he pay WAY too much for his cans of spraypaint but that he could build a store based upon the economic concepts of cheap inhalants for everyone with a power level of over 9000, thereby acting out his fantasy of Waldo-esque sodomy upon the retail industry of America.

Alternate logo design concept.

When a Wal-Mart opens, the local economy is gradually destroyed. Hicks and shortsighted morons alike go there to save a buck, but they don't realize that the dollar they save is an investment in their own apocalypse. Eventually all the local businesses close, since local businesses have a thing about paying their employees a decent living wage and buying reasonably ethical stock, whereas Wal-Mart sells everything under the sun for half the price, because they buy in bulk and only sell cheap garbage made by five year olds in China or some such. The farmers are ruined because Wal-Mart only keeps food prices low by importing from a country where production can be done for a fraction of the price, due to things like limited environmental regulations, and a generally weak economy which lends to exploitation of labour (understanding that things like Wal-Mart are the reason the poor countries are such shit holes to begin with). Fortunately, when all the poor buggers who didn't know better than to participate in the forming of the evil monopoly, they can still afford to shop for cheap junk and nutritionally useless food harvested from clear-cut rainforest at the local Wal-Mart that ruined them. Lame.

There is reasonable speculation that Wal-Mart could actually be Satan's own cock, which has materialized on earth to rape us all, shooting fiery molten cumshots all over anything it comes near.

How to troll Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart presents vast potential as a lolcow due to the combined stupidity of its employees, customers and policies who make for much lulzy synergy.

Here is a step by step guide to trolling Wal-Mart brought to you by Anonymous

It should be noted that as soon as you send in your pictures, they will automatically start printing. Because of their stupidity, do not feel the need to have troll's remorse, they deserve to be trolled.

If you find yourself IN the store, here is a list of things to do.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10 minute intervals
Start playing football. See how many people you can get to join in
Make a trail of Orange Juice on the ground leading to the restrooms
Walk up to an employee and in an official tone say "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares" See what happens
Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them off, set them to Maz volume, turn them all on
While in any department, yell "Who BUYS this shit ANYWAY?"
~~Put M&M's on Layaway~~ Wal-Mart got smart and stopped layaway because people have credit cards now
TP as much of the store as possible
Randomly throw things into neighboring isles
Take up an entire isle in Toys by setting up a full scale battle field with G.I. Joes VS. the X-Men
Take bets on the battle
When Handling guns in the Hunting department, ask where the antidepressants are
Switch the mens and womens signs on the bathrooms
Dart around suspiciously while humming the Mission Impossible theme
When an announcement comes over the speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "THE VOICES ARE BACK"
Go to an empty check-out stand and try to check people out
Hold indoor Shopping cart races
Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap
Put condoms in random peoples carts without looking
Drive around the entrances screaming "The British are Coming!"
Jump through a pyramid of cans yelling "IM GONNA SAVE US FROM THAT BOMB!"
Slip and fall with shit that breaks like milk, eggs and so forth. Make sure to cry in embarrassment at the mess you have made.
Grab a whole stack of gift cards then use a non working credit card to try and fill them. Get angry at cashier and ask to see a manager saying they are doing it wrong.
Ask to speak with a manager at service, when they come ask them if they can have someone type an application for you at the job kiosk. If they refuse tell them you will call corporate office to snitch on them for you are disabled and can't type (illiterate, basically perfect for any walmart job)
Go to a phone (there are several hanging on poles or at empty counters) and press #96. This will get you the intercom. You know what to do. << stupid niggers, it wont work unless you know the last two digits of the store number. ie store number 3145 would be #9645, check your receipt for the store #

Sam Walton's Vision

Sam Walton's vision come to life, with a power level of OVER 9000!

In the Beginning

Spurred on by visions of a cheap fix, Sam Walton decided that it was not good enough that he alone enjoy the benefits of cheap paint; no, he wanted to share this with everyone. He originally decided to open a simple discount spraypaint store, but Sam Walton found himself stonewalled when he realized that Sherwin Williams Paint company had already begun its dastardly plan to "cover the earth". After being assraped repeatedly by agents of the global paint conspiracy that is Sherwin Williams, Sam Walton decided to sidestep their monopoly by opening an entire grocery store and to simply pay a bit of protection money to Sherwin Williams for periodic shipments of paint.

The Wal-Mart business Plan:

Being a native born troll, Sam Walton couldn't help but giggle as he enacted his never-before-seen strategy of retailing, devised while being forced to watch crappy Lifetime movies about rape and incest with his wife:

1. Rape the shit out of (later known as "rollback") prices in small towns first. They are defenseless and totally asking for it.

2. Once all the small towns have been turned into metaphorical cum dumpsters full of cash, hire lots of illegal immigrants so that if anyone opposes Wal-Mart's expansion into big cities their rims get stolen and their girlfriends/daughters/grandmothers knocked up the next day.

3. ????

4. PROFIT!

The Results of Sam Walton's Trolling

Sam Walton's first obstacle to success: The Paint Mafia that IS Sherwin Williams.

Butthurt over being raped in the ass by the hellspawn of Sam Walton's deal with Mexicans and Sherwin Williams at the expense of everyone except furries and jews, some people have begun anti-walmart campaigns during the hours in which they are not employed by wal-mart, buying shit at Wal-Mart, enjoying said shit bought at wal-mart, buying something somewhere else that was originally made for wal-mart at a second hand store to "stick it to the man", shoplifting from Wal-Mart, picking up their meds at wal-mart's pharmacy so they don't go batshit crazy, eating at one of the McDonalds that have begun popping up in Wal-Mart stores like genital warts or conducting business at one of the "convenient" banks popping up next to the McDonalds herpes sores like buboes.

General Arguments of those suffering rectal bleeding from Wal-Mart:

They give jobs to illegal immigrants, which is Un-American.
Their products are made in China and various 3rd world nations, thus unsupportive in the investment of American industry.
Wal-Mart likes to kill baby deer when they choose new site locations.
Wal-Mart believes in "community involvement".
Wal-Mart insists on spelling the company's name in a cheer to adjourn every associate meeting in which they call the hyphen a "squiggly", thus undermining the rules of the King's English.
Totally did WTC to sell party supplies with the American flag on, silkscreen prints of eagles with tears in their eyes, scapegoat-hanging kits et cetera.

Additional Repartee from the Butthurt

The communist retail chains also indirectly flaunt political messages to their customers. When observing a Wal-Mart receipt, you will find a subversive message:

Wal-Mart is no longer the largest corporation in the world (it is Exxon Corporation). Next on their agenda, the world. There is not one spot in America where there is not a Wal-Mart. The employees are the basis for the movement as they are the rejects of society. Old fart, Mexican, teenager, basement dweller... if you're one of these, Wal-Mart has a spot for you.

Evil albeit cheap of Wal-Mart's evil tendencies is their respect for poor people. They give jobs to the elderly, build Wal-Mart's in the ghetto, and offer their services to pedophiles. This makes every trip to the local Wal-Mart a trip into paralyzing fear. Pregnant teenagers with nowhere to go often camp out in the tent sections of the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is generous and forgiving when the political undertones of mass murder/domination are ignored. Praise Wal-Mart for its below the norm prices.

You can support Wal-Mart's movement to conquer the world, which is reminiscent of Hitler, or you can opt for paying 3 cents more at another supermarket. The choice is yours.

Sam Walton's Response

Being a seasoned troll, Sam Walton did not experience any sort of troll's remorse and shortly before his death issued the following statement to those opposed to his chain of stores:

“	I did it for the lulz!	„
—Sam Walton, displaying the artful parry most used by the seasoned troll upon encountering the butthurt

Walmartians

The people who actually live at Walmart. Some are migratory, moving from one Walmart to another. Others sleep in the furniture aisles. Only about 23% of walmartians actually work at Walmart.
Random facts about walmartians

Walmartians can only breathe Walmart air, which has a particular mix of white trash bacteria, soccer mom perfume, and human body vapor.
Walmartians get from Walmart to Walmart via special "Sub Urban Vehicles."
Walmartians smell like damp flour.

New Logo

Changing your company's logo doesn't change the fact that you're an evil, manipulative conglomerate.

In 2008, Wal-Mart did away with their star logo for a sunburst in a pathetic attempt to improve their corporate image. Despite the logo change, they're still underpaying workers, discriminating against minorities, women and manufacturing shoddily built plastic crap for the lemming-like masses to consume.

PROTIP: If you look closely at the white dot in the middle, it kind of looks like the imperial Japanese flag. Makes you think, huh?

Acts of arson and murder carried out under the orders Wal-Mart corporate executives and CEOs

In 2001, a family of six living in Colorado had a house on a piece of land that Wal-Mart wanted to build a superstore at. They tried offering to buy the house from the family for less than 1/4 of what their house was worth. When they refused, less than one day later, their house mysteriously burned down, killing everyone inside, including 3 young children. The Wal-Mart corporation then bulldozed what was left of the house and IMMEDIATELY constructed highly profitable Wal-Mart superstore on the patch of land that the house occupied. Investigators on the scene after the fire concluded that it was highly likely that arson was the cause of the fire, after finding suspicious items that could have been used to start a fire in the basement of the house. These investigators later mysteriously/conveniently died in strange one-car auto wrecks, bizarre suicides, and weird heart attacks/strokes/aneurysms immediately after eating or drinking something.

Wal-Mart: The Sequel

ASDA is the horrible mutated little sister of Wal-mart, much like the UK is to America. ASDA stands for ALL STAFF = DIRTY AFRICANS which is a reference to their staff who all seem to be niggers or incredibly old. Due to the fact that old people work at asda to just get out the house proves it to be a work of evil as it gives hope to old people to think that they have a place in our society. When it came to public attention that the Wal-mart family was recruiting people that were about to die theories burst out that Jews had taken over the branch and were stealing all the money, which isn’t very surprising.

ASDA is absolutly shit as everything is expensive and tastes of AIDS. It claims to be the cheapest supermarket in britian when we all no that it FAILS and B&M is cheaper

There only redeming feature is that there is nearly always a petworld next to it so you can continue your worship of THE ALMIGHTY ONES

Gallery

Wal-Mart: catering to the average American for at least 100 years.	WalMart destinations.	The results of many Anons sending in photos to be developed.	Epic Win Anon
Wal-Mart is smart.	This rare stock footage photograph shows Mexicans and Furries in a world where habitats collide: a place with cheap prices and lots of stuffed animals.	Typical Wal-Mart customer.	Rule 34 knows NO BOUNDARIES!