Vegetarian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A vegetarian is the homosexual of the culinary world - although unlike faggots, they do not eat meat. A trendy form of self-sustenance, it involves not eating meat and only eating vegetables and roughage, assuring a healthy lifestyle accompanied by various bonuses, the greatest being the need to defecate twice as much as the average human being. Secondary factors are the princess and the pea (the more you ban, the more there is to fuss about), and often the desire for the blandest diet possible. "Vegetarian" comes from the Cherokee word for "bad hunter."
Contents |
[edit] "Reasons" to Become a Vegetarian
If you were to ask a vegetarian (especially a vegan) why they do not eat meat, you will often get many answers:
[edit] Animal Abuse
- "I don't like meat,"
- "I don't eat meat because killing animals is wrong and unnecessary. Farm animals live in horrible conditions and are tortured, only to be slaughtered soon after without painkillers. Unlike human fetuses and newborns, animals are living beings, with feelings and intelligence just the same. Hunting is also wrong. What did those poor animals do to you? Besides, meat is extremely unhealthy and can easily make you obese or give you cancer."
The first answer is as boring as hell. The second answer, however, is full of fail and lulz.
If animal abuse wasn't funny ED would lose many of it's pageviews. It's strange that CP andpain series will make most veggies lol but not the image of a pig being decapitated. Often times enough, vegetarians will also claim that meat-eaters are oppressing them. Well, PETA oppresses meat-eaters. So GTFO.
[edit] Politics
Some argue that if Americunts ate less, we would have more food to give to those poor starving people in Africa or some other God-forsaken part of the world.
This is made of epic fail as nobody could ever stop said Americunts from stuffing their greasy, ketchup-stained faces with more fat. However, no vegetarian will say this in front of a 1,000-pound man because they will simply be eaten themselves. It's also a fact that niggers prefer fried chicken to carrots. Although some have been known to eat watermelons. the only that would happen if Americunts were to eat less food is that they would in turn produce less food, resulting in no more or less food being available to give to the less fortunate, and more disgusting, people of the world. Of course, all of this fails to occur to the filthy vegetarians as soy is known to cause metal retardation[1].
[edit] Health
Although eating meat is more likely to make you fat, vegetarians shit twice as often as meat-eaters, which they use to grow more vegetables. You get twice the amount of shit for half the amount of food.
Vegetarians often cause air pollution as a result of farting like cattle and going into logical and just reasons as to why they are vegetarians.
PROTIP: Do not attempt to troll those that support your point of view.
[edit] Warning: Becoming a Veggie will turn you into a Woman
Although being a veggie is generally thought to be good for you, for men eating nothing but soya (a staple for most vegetarians and vegans) can increase the risk of losing you own meat.
Soya contains a chemical known as genistein which is very similar to oestrogen - a major female hormone. As any good transexual knows, men who recieve female hormones begin to take on female traits such as titties and genital bleeding (usually after his dick falls off) and evetually a mangina.
Other effects resemble PMS - such as being wildly emotional and generally becoming a self-reighteous douchebag. However some argue that this isn't the result of what vegetarians eat, it's simply the result of being a vegetarian.
[edit] Various Types of Vegetarians
[edit] Straightforward Vegetarians
Typically, these do not eat meat, but have no trouble drinking milk and eggs, or consuming other animal products. Some will eat fish, but those are called Pescatarians, "pesca" being derived from the Greek word for poseur. Some vegetarians also have no ethical problem in eating chicken, despite chickens being warm-blooded and cute members of the animal kingdom.
So much for "Don't eat meat! It's animal abuse!"
[edit] Freegans
Rummaging through trashcans to find something to eat, despite the fact they have money. Yes. Really.
Freegans believe that it's okay to eat anything as long as it's free. Often basement dwellers, their mothers continue to cook for them well into their twenties. Most homeless people are also freegans.
[edit] Raw Food Vegetarians
The "raw food" movement grew from an in-joke amongst Manhattan chefs. One such chef attested that trendy, upwardly-mobile people would eat anything as long as it is priced exorbitantly. This bizarre "style" spun out of control, and its advocates refuse to cook food at temperatures above 116°F. Raw offal at body temperature is a special favorite.
[edit] Vegans: The Hitler of the Food Chain
Vegans are pure vegetarians who will not eat any animal or use any animal-based product whatsoever, often accompanied by the fact that they troll everywhere and try to convert people to vegans. They normally hypocritically claim that meat-eaters are trying to oppress them, even though in actuality they are oppressing the meat-eaters and the meat-eaters are retaliating
The term is stolen from its original meaning, i.e. someone from the vicinity of the star Vega.
Vegan communities are a great source of trolling fun. Vegans that are not merely suicidal due to their hatred for their own species are invariably haughty moralists, as judgmental as evangelical Christians at their worst (known by other vegans as "vegangelicals"). Some vegans have been known to troll anti-vegans back. A good way to troll vegans is to ask them if they are allowed to swallow cum. In rebuttal, all they would need to say is that human semen is released as a natural
If you combine the mental laziness of hippies with the self-righteousness and intellectual rigor of the average teenager (see below), you get your average vegan.
Vegans love to bitch about how unhealthy meat and dairy is, and will often goad impressionable young vegetarians into becoming vegans, if they manage not to kill them. Unfortunately, what they do not realize is that cutting major parts of the human diet in any case is far unhealthier than eating a cheeseburger once in a while.
Furthermore, some vegans are noted for their opposition to standard forms of birth control, as animal proteins are used in the production of latex, and lambskin is, well, made out of lamb.
Nowadays, vegans like to live in places like California, specifically San Francisco, Berkeley, Sebastopol, and Portland, OR.
Ideally, in a future now indistinct and hazy, vegans will fall upon each other in cannibalistic lust, and all of Brooklyn will vanish in an orgy of blood and bone. As for now, sad as it is, a vegan may cast his or her size-zero shadow upon you or me at any time, interrupting our eternal and primal quest for the perfect rack of baby seal ribs, dolphin snout soup, or fillet of bald eagle.
[edit] Fruitarians
There's always someone who takes things too far; in the sordid world of the vegetarian this person is the fruitarian. Fruitarians believe that vegetables can feel and you shouldn't eat food unless it has "died of natural causes". They are like the Al Qaeda of food and have links to various animal extremist groups (many of whom attack children if they dare to eat the sacred flesh of an animal), except even the sand niggers aren't this batshit crazy. Fruitarians are mortal enemies of limecat and people with huntingdon's disease.
[edit] Who Become Vegetarians?
[edit] 16 year old girls
Vegetarianism is like bisexuality. Teenage girls always have a stage of it, but then they realize how lame it is and go back to meat.
Since most teenaged girls go batshit insane over anything Kawaii they find the idea of eating baby lambs with big brown eyes horrible. They can only be cured by being shown that meat belongs in the mouth.
Most vegetarian girls are also pro-ana because they are obsessed with their weight. Unless they are Snapesnogger or internet diseased having a cheezburger or two wouldn't hurt them - or at least upgrade them from anorexic to bulimia.
[edit] Hippies
They don't actually eat the vegetables (or anything for that matter) but they do smoke a lot of grass. Further proof that being a vegetarian leads to being a liberal who preaches equality but usually ends up shitting himself and trembling to bits.
[edit] Buddhists
Because they believe in reincarnation, they think eating meat is a form of cannibalism. Since many of them also have the IQ of a cow after smoking stuff they shouldn't, they may be right.
[edit] Liberals
Since they believe everything deserves rights (except the bloody vegetables) they don't eat meat. They are most likely to be Vegans.
While most of the people already mentioned will probably go off vegetarianism eventually, these ones are the die-hards and the most epic source of Lulz who will rant and rave about why it's evil to eat meat because you're killing helpless animals, then try to kill you for not agreeing with them.
Although some rich fucks are vegans (such as Weird Al Yankovic and the bullshit artists of Rise Against), most are poor students or poor college professors, who probably couldn't afford more than soup noodles anyway. Vegans like to flavor their noodles with the tears of subsidized farmers. They are also fond of coming out with great mindfucks at dinnertime, e.g. if eggs are on your menu, a vegan "friend" will announce "Wow, chickens' periods (monthlies)." Because whining is a tenet of veganism, many emos and scene fags are vegans and exceptions to poorer vegans as they are attracted to the concept of bitching about something largely irrelevant to them in their usually perfect middle class lives.
[edit] Nazis
Hitler was a vegetarian. No, that is not a joke. He thought it was wrong to eat poor defenseless animals but not to herd Jews into ovens - although in his defense even meat-eaters don't normally eat rats. Unlike Liberals, even the Nazis gave up eventually.
Speaking of Nazis :-
[edit] Vegan Warfare
With the exception of humans, vegans universally care about the welfare of animals, and may be found in constant, undaunted struggle against non-vegans. Media-savvy yet terrifyingly tl;dr, this struggle consists of spamming internet communities with photos of slaughtered animals and how cruel it is to enjoy a Paula Dean recipe. Naturally, no vegan attack is complete without at least one reference to the Church of Veganism. And remember, it's self-evident that eating meat is the same as committing the Holocaust because sure, people died during WW2, but do you know how many pigs are dying!??
Vegans will often accuse the non-deranged of bringing about the coming apocalypse, usually accompanied by vague statements such as "Meat is no longer sustainable. Therefore, it will not help us survive in the future." Such nebulous statements may seem to be at odds with the conventional concept of sustainability, but since nobody really takes vegans seriously to begin with, who fucking cares?
Examples of vegan warfare can be seen here and here.
Theoretically beyond vegan is the Vgn, someone who survives off non-organic substances. Their diets consist of water, mineral oil, and plastic (two of which are, in fact, organic).
[edit] SPECIAL MENTION: Matthew Lush
Famous MySpace/Stickam camwhore Matthew Lush is known for his batshit insane views on animal rights such as:
Okay, first off, I'm a vegetarian and I only date vegetarians. If you’re not a vegetarian, you’re stuck in the past. You might as well call yourself a homophobe or a stubborn Republican. You cannot be gay and call yourself a Republican, sorry, but you can't. Do some research if you do, idiot. But yea, the shit they do to animals these days are uncalled for! It's the twenty first century; you don’t need meat to survive.
Judging by his looks, however, he is in no position to call anyone a pussy.
You can help by trolling his MySpace and his stickam.
[edit] SPECIAL MENTION: ECLOVEANIMALS
ECLOVEANIMALS is a battshitcrazy vegan nigger who claims to be Wiccan and a member of the Animal Liberation Front. Her nonsensical and lulzy videos on YouTube protest animal cruelty and proselytize the sanctity of phallic shaped crystals that were raped form the earth. She is a 32 year old Jamaican from NYC, and is suspected to really be Lady Cleo in hiding.
She has a tendency to delete her videos shortly after their posting and becomes extremely butthurt if anyone attempts to troll her YouTube channel.
[edit] Trivia
- Invented by poor people, vegetarianism has since become a fad among sophisticated liberals like Hitler, Hepkitten and Azad_slide, and should be ignored at all costs.
- Contrary to common knowledge, Quasidan's penis is not a vegetarian. It is considered a Vaginatarian.
- Interestingly enough, the harvest of organic matter means the death of countless thousands (Wait, what?) of animals. Since a field of grain is to mice and rabbits as a large bag of Doritos is to Iconoclast, they tend to stay there when the threshers arrive. This is mildly ironic.
- Almost all crops in the US are pollinated by domesticated bees, which exploiting the symbiotic relationship between bee and flower. Some vegans would argue that it's alright because they're insects, which is funny seeing as bees have a complex language of dance and amazing engineering skills, as opposed to livestock, which just eat and shit all day.
- Tofu is made of drywall, curdled soy milk and old newspapers.
- All vegans should become camwhores, because gelatin is used to hold silver halide crystals in an emulsion in virtually all photographic films and photographic papers (there is no substitute - except a digital camera). This is an urgent task if they are to encourage the rest of the internets not to use technology that was obsolete 100 years ago.
- It would be catastrophic if the entire human race was to turn vegan and stay that way. Not only would people be weaker and crabbier, but over millions of years, humans would devolve back into grazing animals, because you need meat be smarts. Mmm-hmm.
[edit] Winning an Argument with a Vegan
Vegans are well-known for putting up smokescreens and pictures of dead animals to get their butthurt message across. However, with this article here, one can develop the skills necessary to dodge the punches and deliver the message of truth.
Here are some further talking points if you should get backed into a corner by a radish wielding nutjob like Matthew Lush, bashing you and the ribs in your BBQ stained paws.
Don’t give me the higher intelligence we should know better speech, Dolphins are smarter than we are and they’re carnivores.
In the book, “The Secret” it says, “What makes you fat is your belief that food makes you fat, not the food itself.” Therefore, it is your belief that animals are being tortured that allows them to be tortured, stop believing in torture you sickos.
Oh no supporting large agriculture farms that displace local fauna doesn't make you a murder. You’re, what’s the word… an accomplice.
You can’t be gay and swallow and be a vegan. You can be gay, swallow, and be a vegan who is a hypocrite. E.G. Matthew Lush
Hey salad boy why don't you toss your veggie rant someplace else. I'm trying B.B.Q.!
Animals have feelings they just don't feel one way or another about eating their own young.
I love vegetables, lettuce and tomatoes go great on a burger.
Stop eating meat?! And what? Feed it to the animals at the zoo?
What do you feed your Venus flytrap, lettuce face?
You carrot killers only care about the cute animals; you never take a spider to court after it devours its mate.
Animals were designed to be eaten it's why spiders eat their spouses, chimps eat their babies, and I'm about to scarf down this suckling pig!
You get protein from peanuts? You really are nuts!
All those people in India wouldn't be starving if they ate the cows standing around. Oh wait the cows are starving too, must be because you veggies ate all the plants we could've fed the cows. Good job turnip top!
Just because it's organic doesn't mean it isn't harming animals, your soy field just displaced a lot of hungry bears, pea brain.
Try telling the Eskimos to grow some legumes for their protein and fat needs.
Humans are animals too so I suppose you don't want me eating the neighbor kids either, broccoli brains.
I totally support eating organic my favorites foods are wild rabbit, crocodile, and quail.
Either shut up about cow torture or you get up on the grill because I’m eaten somebody’s ribs today!
If you show me that picture of you and your bunny again, I’ll pull out the home video of my Maine Coon cat eating it.
I suppose now you’re going to tell me I can’t pick my nose and eat it either.
We’re in a drought and you’re talking to me about eating green?! Please! A Polar Bear requires less water than your cornfield bean brain.
Soy: The food that lets you believe you’re not hurting the environment.
You veggies say we humans have evolved to know better and yet you seem so often devoid of peace and love to anyone who wants to eat you in place of a cow.
Don’t complain to me because I eat at McDonald’s when we both know that’s not meat.
I love animals they’re delicious.
I can’t quit eating beef all the growth hormones in it are what gave me my huge tits!
My ex-girlfriend put her Burmese Python on a veg diet. The poor thing would’ve starved if I hadn’t fed her to it.
Can’t we all just get along I’ll order a burger and you can have the lettuce and tomato that comes with it. I hate that stuff.
I’m a vegetarian but only when I eat salad.
Survival of the fittest is true… but I wouldn’t make too big a deal out of it… because we both know in the end the winner will be cockroaches.
Look Dr. Asparagus, I don’t go into your veggie hangouts and eat pork chops so don’t come into my steakhouse and eat a damn salad.
I’m sick of you veggies trying to make us omnivores into herbivores if we were meant to be herbivores we would be herbivores. Hello! I am not a stinkin’ antelope, though I have eaten the thigh of one.
You cabbage whores would feel better if we wrestled or meat to the ground in the wild and I’d feel better if you actually grew your own damn apples instead buying from gigantic produce farms that have displaced or killed all the animals I’m supposed to wrestle to the ground.
If you yam fanatics wanted to be truly organic and eco-friendly you’d eat seasonally and off the land oh but that would put damper on your veggie lifestyle right quick for when your precious legumes and flaxseeds were out of season and not found locally, what would you do for protein then?
I don’t want to hear about torture to animals from anyone who isn’t naked. If you wear any kind of clothing you support animal torture, period. You have to remind the veggietards humans are animals too; they tend to forget about the sweatshops.
Livestock – Animals stocked or stored up for our lively hood (i.e. survival)
You veggies have some great role models… Hitler for example.
Hey cabbage breath would you get in the way of a cheetah eating a gazelle? Well then don’t get in my way when I’m eating ribs.
[edit] External Links
- One member of DA says why it's better to eat meat. We can think of a reason why.
- www.Vegetablecruelty.com WARNING: What vegans fail to understand is the suffering they inflict on countless fruits and vegetables.
[edit] See Also
 |
Vegetarian is part of a series on bad things happening to animals. |
|
