Valkyrie
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Valkyrie is the latest project of Tom Cruise. We could go into detail, but let's face it - TOM CRUISE IS GOING TO DRESS UP AS A FUCKING NAZI AND SAVE THE WORLD. In a year when ED's articles were already dangerously close to writing themselves, this just comes as another bag of sugar tossed drunkenly into the cotton candy machine of lulz like a smiling, happy god looking down on Anonymous with a fatherly grin. During the first day of shooting, Tom walked into a doorknob and an eyepatch was hastily written into the script.
Contents |
[edit] The Plot
In recent years, Cruise has starred in:
- Magnolia, playing a controlling, misogynistic evangelist
- War of the Worlds, playing a protective father with a useless wife and a whiny bitch for a daughter who saves the world
In keeping with this long tradition of character acting (the theater's equivalent of career trolling), he will now undertake:
- Valkyrie - Cruise plays a member of a sinister, uniformed, militaristic sect which is trying to take over the world, BUT ITS OKAY GUISE BECAUSE HES A GOOD NAZI AND HE WANTS TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM WITHIN THE SYSTEM!
In real life, Stauffenberg was sent to place a spider mine under Hitler's big important-looking war table. The bomb went off while it was under the table and Hitler was leaning over the top of it. Instead of being vaporized, Hitler was simply lifted comedically into the air. Furthermore, instead of splattering his guts up the wall, the bomb just made his ears go all tinny like when a grenade goes off in Rainbow Six.
He probably crapped his pants too.
Like any good upstanding citizen wuss, Stauffenberg ratted out the other conspirators, who were then permabanned from Hitler's Poker night, which also led to Stauffenberg getting permabanned himself.
[edit] Delays
For the millions who have waited for Tom Cruise's latest cinematic masterpiece, they would have noticed that the release has been delayed numerous times. Many reasons have been given, ranging from adding in scenes to make it better, Germans destroying parts of the film, Tom personally looking for a man who farted during a moment of silence, or Tom playing hooky on production days to furiously masturbate to what can best be described as a combination of goatse and Mr. Clean. However, this excuse sounds pretty rational:
| —TOW article |
Yes, WALL-E is now the only thing that Tom Cruise would not fuck with. So much so that he delayed his movie by at least 6 months after WALL-E should be out of theaters and on DVD, and let me tell you, when you're up against these celluloid juggernauts, the ones you have to look out for are the ones that aren't even in theaters.
[edit] Concerns
In Germany, where Fifty Hitler Posts are extremely serious business and nobody has a sense of humor regarding the thriving cult of greed and power, the decision to allow Valkyrie to be filmed at historical locations in Germany has pleased few. Anti-cult activist Antje Blumenthal is particularly furious that the government have subsidized the film, which he sees as a direct endorsement of Cruise's beliefs.
All this is, of course, small concern to Anonymous, who are presently charging their lasers for mass-IRL-trolling of the movie's premier on February 2009 December 26th 2008.
[edit] Pre-Release Footage
[edit] The Possible Repercussions
Anonymous is going to go batshit insane. They are going to throw a party for Tom Cruise.
- A bunch of Anons turn up drunk and party. Anonymous forgets what he was there for. Nobody notices, and nothing of value was lost.
- Cruise is enturbulated to the point where he actually footbullets himself with the Portal Gun, creating a theoretically infinite loop of freefalling drama and hilarity.
- Bunch of Moralfags get v&.
- ????
- PROFIT!
Whichever happens, sociologists agree that the premier of Valkyrie should be a fun day out for the whole family. 8/10.
[edit] Quotes
| —Berthold Maria Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg |
| —Thomas |
| —Some EDiot. |
