This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster. You can help by reverting people who delete shit, and vandalizing their user pages. See this article on google? Want to add something? Boll Join us!
This article has been resurrected on a temporary-to-full-time basis only because of the following edit to the deleted article. It contains the only funny edits to the entire article, preserved with spelling error.
This game become increasingly popular after it was revealed you could Kill Uwe Boll!
Uwe Boll was born or hatched in 1944. His mother was a fat German whore and his father had a comfortable position in government. He wanted to make movies ever since he nearly overdosed on dangerous drugs, where he got the idea for his first movie, the "German Fried Movie," which is epically lulzy because less than 100 saw it. It was about Jesus or something. Since then he has become the biggest bollshit director since...well, no ones as fucking shit as him.
Uwe Boll was pronounced dead at a Munich hospital in 2004 after a fatal case of butthurt from reading critical response to Alone in the Dark. Some believe that his movies have shown improvement since then. Those that believe this also happen to work at Game Stop. Obviously a closet furry, he often sheds his fursuit for random public appearances. These consist of him on the prowl for some fresh meat. He approaches victims from behind usually intending to
drag them back to his batcave for some fag fur sex. He doesn't dispose of the bodies, but saves them for props in his awesome movies.
He recenty released a statement defending the harsh criticisms against him, "I did it for the lols."
Uwe Boll is obviously the true face of anon creating chaos and ruining innocent people's lives. He is a domestic terrorist, blowing up yellow vans and stadiums throughout the United States. He is also considered to be one of the greatest trolls of our time, having successfully trolled the fuck out of Hollywood; by making the most terrible movies of all time, pwning gamers by defiling their beloved fandoms, pwning millions worldwide by getting them to watch his shit movies and finally by making millions doing it (in the process pwning the German government in addition to the public). While IRL Trolls are not uncommon, Uwe Boll is unique for breaching the RL/OL troll barrier by successfully trolling internetpersonalities into a publicized, broadcasted boxing match and beating the living shit out of them. This event was a crowning achievement by Boll in lulz, and was a great advancement in the nascent science that is troll theory and what it is believed capable of. Uwe Boll has been recognized for these deeds with general infamy and mass loathing on an international level, which he no doubt wears like a badge of honor.
Matt (Patrick Muldoon) is haunted by the death of a girl from a car accident he caused years ago. Matt was drunk and as he reached for the car radio, he struck the girl as she crossed the road. The guilt that he feels has altered his sense of reality, making Matt's life a mystery full of shadows and phantoms. Now, years later Matt goes away for weekend with his new girlfriend Dawn. After a wild session of lovemaking, Dawn goes for a walk. While she is away a strange man with an axe comes into the motel room and attacks Matt. After that incident Matt goes into the woods, looking for Dawn. There he encounters Dawn's family who tie him down and put him on trail for the murder of the girl years before. They find him guilty and he is sent back into the forest to be hunted down by the family. The deeper Matt runs into the forest the farther his mind is lost to the Blackwoods. Written by {krijn@hotmail.com}
in eighteenth century Romania, Rayne, a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives to avenge her mother's rape by her father, Kagan, King of Vampires. Two vampire hunters, Sebastian and Vladimir, from the Brimstone Society persuade her to join their cause.
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— i can't believe i actualy paid money to see this shit
-Bloodrayne 2:Deliverance
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It's a hundred years later, and the dhampir Rayne has arrived in the town of Deliverance, Montana where a group of vampire cowboys have emerged. Led by Billy the Kid, hell-bent on creating is own kingdom, he slaughters townspeople and rounds up children. He spares the life of Chicago Chronicle reported Newton Pyles. Rayne aligns herself with Pat Garret, a member of the long-thought-dead Brimstone society, a dishonest preacher, and a low life named Franson, to stop Billy the Kid and show the world how the West was really won
your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.
uwe boll
PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire -- you not -- you dumb fuck
Boll, tired of the critics flaming his shitty movies, decided to take action. In mid-2006, he challenged anyone who called his movies shit to take him on in the boxing ring for 10 rounds.
One taker was Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka from Something Awful, who claimed Boll had offered to pay him for writing a script for Alone in the Dark and then filmed whatever the fuck he felt like.
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It was a mess. We knew we were in a terrible situation, and had written a script that was only going to confuse this poor guy. He kept asking us why the character in our script "Alone in the Dark," Edward Carnby, didn't have any special powers to battle monsters. We explained that the story revolved around suspense and a believable detective, based off the game. He replied by telling us he wanted to blatantly rip-off characters, as well as the tone of the films "Blade" and "The Crow."
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— Lowtax
Of course what Lowtax failed to realize is that 90% of movies based on video games will inevitably suck, and his magical scriptwriting nerd skills weren’t going to save his ass from Boll’s Nazi bootprint. Witness Lowtax being beaten like a redheaded stepchild below.
After his pwning, Lowtax explained how butthurt he was by walking into a fight he spent weeks preparing for, and he thought it would just be a PR stunt. As usual he pretended it was all a big joke, but his tears reveal that he actually fights like a 4 year old girl.
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It's thanks to Uwe Boll that I forgave Germany for the Holocaust.
"So hi here, sir, Uwe Boll, and I have a statement to make about ze Internets petition. Zere's a petition out to stop Uwe Boll, and I said if zere are 1 million, on ze petition I stop actually making movies. And I want, zat zere is a petition also out zere like a PRO-BOLL petition and I expect a million votes, Pro Boll. And I hope somebody would set it up, and you all start signing it. Because look, I am not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or ozza people running around in zat business, or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies, you will see my real genius. And if you go on May 23 on Postal, you will see zat I deliver a movie, what NOBODY else deliver in ze last ten years. What is way better zen all zat social critic George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend. So you have to wake up and you have to see me what I am, I am ze only genius in ze whole fucking business. Goodbye."
[edit] Quotes from his haters that are made of win
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Every time i walk into a movie theatre and see that a new Uwe Boll film is playing, i get scared to death that the world will end and that uwe will be in my nightmares..... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. the light is the OTHER movies playing at the theatres and i sigh of relive when i walk past the door of another video game buthery. i hope i have done my part in stopping this hell on earth and have ensured humanities surrvival.
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— Johny
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He finances his movies -and makes a living out of it- by using flawed German tax laws. This is terrible, but it's the German authorities in charge of the legislation that are more at fault here. The investors get tax benefits from financing his terrible movies -even more if they don't make money. So funds from tax revenue are being lost, and no good movies are being produced!
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— F.S. Sanchez
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You need to stop. Now. Because you have no idea how good movies are made. From RT.com "In the DVD commentary of Alone in the Dark, Boll explains how he funds his films: "Maybe you know it, but it's not so easy to finance movies in total. And the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany, you get basically fifty percent back from the Government." Ahhh, so that's how you can turn out the worst movies ever consistently. You should know that game-to-movie adaptations are one of the hardest things to do right. I'm not even sure if it has ever been done. Your Postal movie? I can't imagine a reason in the world that any theater would want to show that pile. How the hell are you considered a doctor? You need one for your head, thinking you are doing these game franchises any favors. The closest to good videogame movies have been, is the Resident Evil movies, which aren't the best, but at least better compared to your work.
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— Todd
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Man I really suck making movies, huh? Well I guess I can accept fact but I like making videogame movies. I know that Im kinda dumb but I still wanna box Micahel Bay to prove myself as a director.
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— Uwe Boll on himself
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This here has got to stop, many of his movies make bottom 10 lists along with others that never should be made. His movies will never be great in any marginal respect and doesn't come close to classics like The GodFather, Lord Of The Rings, or Psycho. This travesty has gone on long enough.
After watching the video, I actually believe that Boll is at least on the same level as Eli Roth and Michael Bay if not better. I have never gotten an ounce of joy or anything from Eli Roth. I can enjoy Michael Bay for what he is. Uwe Boll however has provided me with hours of good times with my friends. I will most definitely be there opening night for Postal if it ever gets a real release.
I LOVE UWE BOLL! MAY HE MAKE A THOUSAND MORE MOVIES LIKE 'ALONE IN THE DARK'!
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— Gordon William's, praying for the next holocaust.
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Uwe Boll is the greatest mortal on planet Earth (if he is indeed a mortal - I expect he is really God, as only the divine could make films of such egregious awesomeness that shatter the senses and engage the funk drive to warp 11)
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— Dave Dee in denial
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Let's look at rotten video game films UWE BOLL DIDN'T MAKE!!!!!!! Super Mario Bros anyone? Street Fighter? Mortal Kombat 2? Doom? Or this scenario, how many CRAP games based on Films have come out? Hulk (crap film, dull game) or the multitude of tie in video games that really are bad based on successful films and are ready to go as soon as the film is released. UWE BOLL doesn't use this tired tactic, he makes films based on games that have been out for ages and DOES A DAMN FINE JOB OF IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, Uwe's constant shit-talking over the Youtubes inevitably attracted the attention of Michael Bay. On his forum [1], Bay replied:
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I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being.
When you ask "do I care"? Not in the slightest.
M
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—Michael Bay, in response to being called a fucking retard.
Uwe, unsurprisingly, had this to say:
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Hi. Here's Uwe Boll and, you see my outfit so... you know what's coming up now basically. Michael Bay responded to my note about him in a very insulting way for me. He said that, he doesn't care about me, and this was very insulting, because I care about him. And I think that, with the money he has for his movies, he sucks big time. And I think it's time... to meet in the ring actually. So it's my message to Michael Bay: Michael, in between your pool parties in LA , you know, all your casting sessions with all the strippers, you should.. start training now. And I'm sure you look good, you look thin, I saw you in the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you're a fit guy and you do like, private Muay Thai karate bullshit, Asia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you are supercool because you do that with your 500-bucks trainer every day. So let's meet in the ring, in September, or October, Pay Per View, Mendela Bay, Las Vegas, 12 rounds of boxing, Boll against Bay. It's also independent film making against the studio system and I think it's zis day in the Mendela Bay, in Las Vegas, we will clear it up; who is not only the better director, who is also able to fight more for what he wants. Okay Michael, if you hear that message, I expect your people contacting me, and it will be all arranged and you could even make money with it. And, so, let's go for it. Boll against Bay, it's on.
Uwe Boll is one of the very unique and rare filmmakers who is able to release a movie composed of pure fail, but still reap profits again and again because of a loophole in a German government program. Upon the release of a successful game, Uwe buys the rights and begins to make plans, just like his hero Hitler. (NOTE: he hopes to eventually attain the status of an hero) These nefarious plans were captured with a microphone hidden within one of his boxing gloves (which have been retired to the status of cockwarmers).
Studio Representative (who will from now on be known as Steve): Yes, it's a solid script sir; I don't think you'll have to change anything for this to be a runaway hit at the box office.
UWE: Burn it.
STEVE: Uh, sir wha...
UWE: BURN IT.
STEVE: This script was co-written by the game's creators, our studio writers couldn't possibly recreate the original feel of -
It is at this point that Uwe brings in his old boxing buddies (Big Mad Murphy and Rowdy The Czech) to write him a winner. Coupled with a cast composed of mildly autistic children and all the directing skills of a crippled dog, Uwe forces out another movie which (similar to forcing out somthing placed IMPROPERLY into the anus) is slightly less palatable than vaginal crabs.
All 3 of his latest films are in the bottom 100 films on IMDB [2].
Seanbaby has challenged Uwe boll to a fight, but the filmmaker pussied out of his agreement.
Uwe Boll blew three famous film critics to get his films into theaters.
The first two film critics were not Gene Shalit.
Rumor has it that Uwe Boll plans on making a film version of Legacy of Kain. This may be a first for Uwe, as there is nothing he can do to this franchise that could fail any harder than what DeviantART members have already done.
[edit]Related medical condition: Clautobollophobia
Clautobollophobia
An acute fear of being stuck in an elevator with Uwe Boll.
While this condition is not limited to an elevator the fear consummates based on the most probable scenario. In remote regions certain people(s) have been known to develop Clautobollophobia based around a more natural setting such as a cave.
There are no concrete figures regarding the exact cause though most cases of Clautobollophobia occur in individuals with functioning eyes and ears.
It is generally regarded as having no adverse side effects aside from the expected paranoia of German accents and movies based on video games.
Dr.S.March _MD Pediatric/Adolescent Psychiatry and Psychiatry
