User:That Thing There/Car/Car Companies

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Cars and who we buy them from say quite a bit about who we are as people. Below is an extensive list of common definitions when it comes to car companies and the asshole driving their products.

The "Big 3"

Chrysler

Chrysler is one of the more prominent names in the car market, though it's not well known outside of North America. They've always billed themselves as true, affordable American luxury; though vehicles like the Chrysler Aspen and Chrysler Crossfire really put that to the test and gave it a fail grade. Chrysler was run properly in the 1980s by a man called Lee Iacocca who ended up selling the company to good old Mercedes-Benz for a cool $36 Billion US dollars, and then mismanaged to hell by the Germans and eventually, a credit department run by apes. Chrysler now sits, almost owned by the Italians via Fiat. Chryslers are upscale, but not terribly expensive. Expect them to be driven by upper middle-class dimwits and old people.

Dodge

Dodge was Chrysler's common-man offering, with a pretty varied range of cars, trucks and vans. In the 1980s, again under the direction of Mr. Iacocca, Dodge pioneered the minivan and compact performance divisions with the Caravan and Omni GLH. The 90s were rocky for Dodge, and though they put out some iconic and popular vehicles, namely the Viper and Intrepid; quality wasn't on their side anymore. Products felt cheap, broke and ultimately caught fire. Under Daimler's control, Dodge put out heavy, retro-ish RWD V8 supersedans that were more inefficent than their SUVs, and left the small car market overrun by Toyota and The General (Below). When Daimler saw the losses, it was sold along with it's family to Cerberus, a credit card collection agency; who promptly stopped giving a fuck and laughed as an iconic name burned to the ground. Drivers include pretty much anyone, Caravans will be driven slowly and anyone in a Charger (police aside) should be laughed at.

Plymouth

Plymouth was a Mopar offspring, and most popular through the 80s. They were a slightly more refined Dodge, but far less luxurious than a Chrysler. After the 1970s Mopar stopped designing Plymouth anything of it's own, and thus it shared it's creations with Dodge. Every Plymouth was just a rebadged Dodge from 1980 forward. After the Prowler hit the scene in 1997, Chrysler killed Plymouth off in a very swift and smart move that should have caught General Motors' attention. Driven exclusively by poor people in 2009.

Jeep

Jeep was originally built, like Hummers, for military applications in WWII and other conflicts of the 1940s-1960s. When they returned to the states after war, they were cheap and people found them great fun while outdoors, and thus Chrysler, like General Motors, pulled an interesting move and opened their military division to the public. Jeeps come in many forms, from rugged and charismatic Wranglers to posh, high-performance Grand Cherokees. Wranglers and Cherokees will be driven by people who think climbing rocks and mud is awesome, while Grand Cherokees will almost always be driven by soccer moms.

Ford

Ford was the first company to mass-produce cars, under Henry Ford's idea in the 1900s. Today, they are the most common car in the world and as of 2010 are the only American company not receiving bailout money. Globally they are sold under their standard nameplate, and have always been known for quality. Though it must be said, Ford is on the cutting edge with new, exciting cars you may actually want to own, like the all new Ford Fiesta and Ford Taurus/Ford Mondeo. Since Fords are so common, a typical Ford asshole (Mustang and Escort Cosworth aside) is truly undefinable.

Lincoln

Lincoln, named after the (lol dead) nigger-loving 18th President, is Ford's Luxury division. Though historically known as a car for posh, old Florida residents, Lincoln is now marketing itself towards rich, young, Manhattan-dwelling "fashionistas". Quality and design have improved tenfold over the Lincoln of yesteryear, as seen in the new, twin-turbo Lincoln MKS. Expect them to be driven at an average pace with by your average upper-class Life2.0er.

Mercury

Mercury has been the middle-ground, modern family-oriented company, with conservative launches like the Mercury Sable. In times past, Mercury was a luxury performance division, much like Buick; though in the 1980s the transition to boring, stodgy family crap was made. Anyone seen driving a Mercury probably hates themselves.

Volvo

Volvo is Swedish and thus safe, conservative but still relatively enjoyable. They allow you to have fun, but protect you from your own stupidity and are so boring looking they will make you melancholy, just like Sweden itself. They're designed with safety in mind from the ground up, with features like CitySafety, a feature which can bring you to a complete stop if you're not paying attention to the road. Older RWD Volvos, like the 240, are great fun for cheap thrills. Volvos will almost always be driven by a bald, 30-something banker named Steven.

General Motors

General Motors is pretty fucking old. Almost as old as Ford, and almost as well known around the world. Instead of building a company, they simply bought and merged other companies like bureaucrats and became the biggest car/credit company combination in the world. Through the ages, General Motors has always been there and has always been the American Flagship, but in 2009 the company is so terribly confused on what it truly is and what it should be doing. It lost so much money due to it's poor 'murrican lineups that it required money from Uncle Sam and still needs moar. Perhaps they should be learning a lesson here? The only problem is, if General Motors fails, a chain reaction happens and suddenly, the world economy is fucked. Oh, wait a minute.. It already has.

Buick

The Performance Luxury division of General Motors, Buick is mainly aimed, like Lincoln was, at old people from Florida. They're far too frumpy and stuffy to enjoy, and the performance is simply gone. Since the 90s, Buick is nothing more than a slightly more expensive Chevrolet. Driven by old people and dumb, middle-class bimbettes.

Cadillac

Cadillac is highly regarded as the Pinnacle of American Luxury, and what truly defines how we view it. Sadly, Cadillac hasn't quite been on the mark lately. Word hasn't gotten to their office that big, bulky luxury cars simply aren't in, nor desirable. Names iconic with Cadillac include Sedan Deville, Escalade, and of course, the CTS-V. Now more often than not driven by Italian Guido moms in New Jersey; it should also be noted that Cadillac does not appear to have equipped any of their cars with turn signals.

Chevrolet

Chevrolet is the common, everyday segment of General Motors, and is perhaps the most iconic around the world; if only for the American Supercar offering of the Chevrolet Corvette. Chevrolets are cheap, and are in pretty much every driveway in America. They come in pretty much every form, work trucks, minivans, sports coupes, sedans, and of course, cheap hatchbacks; thus gauging the average driver difficult. Anyone driving a Cavalier or a Tahoe should be pitied for their poor purchasing skills, or at the very least mocked.

Hummer

Synonymous with Americunt, the Humvee was designed as the Jeep of the next-generation soldier. When 'murricans caught on, rich people began to buy a slightly more posh military-spec $109,000 8mpg SUV. When GM saw that people were willing, they took a Chevrolet Tahoe and designed it like the H1, dubbing it the H2. Conservatives around the world came in unison and snatched them up like jews at wishing wells. When people complained that the fuel economy was too poor, Hummer took a slightly smaller, less useful Chevrolet Trailblazer, designed it like the H2 and dubbed it the H3. Suddenly, soccer moms screamed in delight as they could appear to be tough while still having the softness to show up at Timmy's softball game in style. Hummer failed so miserably after Bush II came to power, so badly in fact General Motors is offering to sell it to the first available person with $25 in ACTUAL money. Driven by people who really just don't give a fuck, rappers and people who listen to Bill O'Reilley too often. Be extra cautious around these unaware douchebags.

Holden

Holden is the Aussie arm of General Motors, and produces great cars such as the Monaro and the VXR-8. These are rebadged as Opels and Vauxhalls, and eventually, Pontiacs.

Oldsmobile

Oldsmobile, like Chrysler's Plymouth, was an ill-fated venture into the slightly upscale, slightly performance oriented market. Though they produced icons like the 442, the badly-launched Silhouette and of course, the Cutlass; Oldsmobile ended up providing nothing more than lack-luster, slightly more expensive Chevrolets throughout it's life. Cutlass Ciaras will be driven by wiggers, the elderly and the poor. Restored 442s and other vehicles of that vintage will be driven by pinheads with more body muscle than brain.

Pontiac

Pontiac was sold as the exciting car, and had a few good offspring in it's time, like the Fiero, the GTO, the Firebird and as of 2008, the G8 GXP. Pontiac fell trap to the "GM Disease" and sold mostly rebadged Chevrolets after the 1960s, but with a bit more pep, for the same price. Pontiacs were pretty lack-luster, and thus lead to their failure, and death, in 2009. Shame, nobody cares. Driven by people who really aren't sure what they want from life, which means they will be stupid and reckless.

Saturn

The Story of Saturn is a sad one. It was originally designed to be pitted against them damn nips with their cheap, reliable small cars. When the company was launched in 1990, the team was brand new. No GM bureaucrats to run the show, fresh minds, fresh ideas, a different kind of company. Their initial offering, the S-Series, impressed most for the price, and launched it through 12 years of popularity, and 12 years of transmission and sunroof failure. GM saw that the brand was going well, and liberated a mediochre car from Opel, dubbing it the L series. All was well and good, then suddenly, General Motors killed the S-Series and introduced a rebadged Chevrolet Cavailer, dubbed the Ion. Much distress was heard by the owners on quality, as lo and behold, Saturns were being built by people who really didn't care. The Ion was killed, and so was the L-series, in 2005. Saturn was a bit flummoxed, their brand had suddenly failed! Couldn't be rebadging cars, that's worked so well for Pontiac! They did the logical thing and consulted with their Euro counterparts again and launched 3 new cars, the Aura; a rebadged and surprisingly piss-poor Vauxhall Vectra, the Astra, a surprisingly okay euro hatchback by the same name and the new Vue, an overall alright compact euro SUV. Suddenly, the skies over Saturn darkened as Carpocalypse happened, and it looked like the end..

Until Penske Racing bought them. Hopefully, the new team does the logical thing and go back to it's roots.

Saturns are commonly driven by leftards who voted for Ron Paul and Ralph Nader. They're cautious and frugal, so don't expect them to go speeding. There's always an oddball, though. The fanclub is pretty lulzy at times, as well.

Suzuki

Suzuki, often thought to be forigen, is actually US owned and based. Their vehicles are built in Korea, but the company is headquartered in good old US of A, thanks to the Big 3. Suzuki was sort of a joint venture between GM and the Koreans to build cheap and cheerful cars for the US. Like the UK has more than proven, cheap can never equal cheerful. Suzukis are almost always driven by broke college kids and welfare recipients. Suzuki Motors and Suzuki Motorcycles are different animals, though.

Vauxhall

Vauxhall is the General Motors Europe arm, and based primarily off of Opel, another GM purchase. Sold mainly in Europe, Vauxhall is quite a bit like Chevrolet, in the fact that they cover pretty much every base; excluding blue-collar workers. The lineup is fairly generic, a bunch of sedans, a few cheap hatchbacks, a few high-performance models and a few family-oriented crapboxes. Driven by wankers slowly up the M6; and by reps on the M1.

Allies

Aston Martin

Aston Martin, formerly a Ford subsidy and now owned by the Hindus, is the British Supercar. Driven exclusively by James Bond, they are sleek, elegant and sexy; while being throughly British. Expensive, beautiful and powerful, Aston Martons are driven by those with taste or those who pretending to, and thus, will be driven like your average car.

Jaguar

Jaguar is the British Luxury Flagship, and another former Ford subsidy. Jaguars are iconic and their owners are passionate, excluding those who own the X-Type, who think Britain is stuffy and stodgy. Their new release of the XF is a move in the right direction, putting it in a segment very close to Audi and BMW. Driven by old people or those with a bit of flair in their style, though it varies by geographic location.

Land Rover

Land Rover, and it's sub-division Range Rover, are British-produced SUVs that are capable of trodding up moss-covered Irish cliffs with ease and comfort. They're versatile, they're comfortable and the Range Rover division seems to know what's it doing in the performance SUV area. Commonly driven by AA men and footballer's wives, the Range/Land Rover series is a vehicle built with a bit of quality, at the very least.

Citroen

Peugeot

Renault

Axis powers

Acura

Honda's performance/luxury division, Acura had spiffy and slightly okay cars during it's start in the 1990s. Nowadays, they seem to cater more towards Lincoln and Cadillac's audiance; the preppy upper-middle class. The only car worth owning that has an Acura badge is the TL-S.

Alfa Romeo

Handsome, built in Italy, loads of performance and stellar handling. The problem with Alfa Romeos historically has been, they're built without care. The electronics have always been a bit off, and you'd end up in a cloud of steam on the motorway halfway to your destination if you owned an Alfa. You'd look good, but you wouldn't be going anywhere. Though, since Alfa is being built under control of someone with logic, these niggling faults seem to have been ironed out, and cars like the MiTo and 159 are good choices for those who enjoy Italian passion on a budget. Driven by people who honestly care about driving and their cars, no major threat to other motorists.

Audi

Cocks will only be seen in an Audi, the S4 in specific. German built, douchebag owned. Anyone in a bright blue S4 will almost always tailgate you, no matter what speed you're at. Audis should be avoided at all costs.

Honda

Hondas are Japanese and are driven by the elderly in Englandistan, and ricers in 'murrica. They're cheap, relatively well built and have time on their side. You don't get much in the way of luxury or performance, but they're not terribly expensive either. Boring, frumpy and should be avoided at all costs.

Toyota

Seen, as of late, as the collective "meh" in the auto industry, Toyota and it's little spinoffs (Scion, Lexus) are beige, boring cars with no passion, no spirit, no soul and no purpose other than basic transport in different forms. Owned by the people with no imagination, no talent and certainly no sense of fun, Toyotas are best left on the dealership lot. Pay no attention to the Prius behind the curtain, it's not really worth it. Any Toyota with an Ohio plate will almost ALWAYS get in your way.

Nissan

Nissan, and it's spinoff "Infiniti", are Japanese and therefore cheap. They tend to be marketed towards lower-middle class yuppies who don't quite have the money for the really good cars, but still want a bit of fun and the falsetto of luxury. They seem to have quality and value down, but performance is less than you'd hope and the styling is far too round. Even it's greatest achievement, the GT-R is a nightmare. It's technology before time-proven mechanics, and thus will grind it's gears to death. Nissans are owned by people who talk a bit too loudly on cell phones while at Starbucks; and will run you off the road because they're not paying attention. Pity those who bought a Cube.

BMW

BMW, the German conglomerate of car companies, is highly believed to be the ultimate in German luxury and performance. With long standing favorites such as the M5 and X5 XUV, BMW sure likes to keep it's names short. M3s have been known to come with cocks, but they have since moved to Audi; thus leaving M3s to people who just think they're great cars. Your average BMW driver isn't a fuck-up, but may have a bit of fun while opening the taps. Exercise caution around soccer moms in their X3s. Strangely, BMW owns Mini, the iconic British hatchback.

Lamborghini

Lamborghini, a name that brings images of pure, raw supercar power is now owned by the German Audi/VW conglomerate, which means you get a bit of practicality with your low-slung bellowing monster. You will probably never afford one, and if you see one, you'll gawk at it. They drive pretty much how you think, quickly with a sense of urgency. Driven by people that either stole it, rented it or can truly afford it, no matter what you'll always see a beautiful Lamborghini smashed up. If you see something moving quickly behind you, move to the right lane and enjoy the sound as it blows past you, into the distance.

Ferrari

The benchmark of true purebred performance cars, a Ferrari is Italian and thus, a thing of beauty. One should be delicate and only attempt to handle such an untamed stallion with great care. For ultimate kicks, try to rent an F430 Scuderia. Driven by douchebags with a bit too much money, they're still wonderful to look at, no matter their age.

Mercedes-Benz

Opel

Opel, General Motors' International/European division is in limbo. Most modern GM cars are Opel-designed and based, but since GM went to hell in a handbasket, Fiat, those plucky Italians have been eying Opel so they may dominate the market. Since Opel is basically General Motors, make whatever assumptions about an Opel owner you want.

Fiat

Other Key Players

Kia/Hyundai

Saab

Claiming to be Swedish, they were in the General Motors camp for several years before getting the hell out during the Credit Crunch.