User:OhLawdIsDatSum/Smackles (saved from the criteria for speedy deletion)

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Template:Db-vandalism Template:Hangon Smackles (SMAK-uhls) is the well-known Amphibian mascot of the Kellogg's cereal "Sugar Smacks". Introduced in 1963 as an "alternative to steam power", Smackles quickly became a favorite amongst the burgeoning middle class, particularly children and casual drug users.

Early Life

Born in Peoria, Illinois, Smackles was 109th out of an egg sack that contained 3192 eggs. Smackles was often teased for his obsessive search for a "delicious, nutritious cure for the everyday Herps". Though suffering tremendously from Chronic Brain Failure and Ereptile Dysfunction, Smackles made his way to the Kellogg's HQ, where he pitched his fervertly radical idea for "Dr. Smackles Revolutionary Cardboard Crisps". After some negotiations with Kellogg's CEO, Tony T. Tiger, about the name of his revolutionary product, Sugar Smacks was launched in [1992].

Pride Goeth Before the Forg

Life in the fast lane quickly proved too much to handle for the small-town frog from Peoria. Finding himself bankrupt of cereal ideas and a nasty addiction to newt blood, Smackles checked himself to the Betty Forg Clinic in September, 2002. There, he met a fellow Cerealogist, Crackle, (famed Riceologist and inventor of Rice Krispies) and quickly started a relationship that proved enough to keep him sober of newt blood for years to come.

Smacks My Bitch Up

In late 2004, Smackles was involved in an altercation at a Jersey City nightclub, Barfly, with a admittedly drunken Tony T. Tiger, wherein Smackles was arrested from public intoxication, assault and battery, and exposing his Frog Probiscus. Smackles flew into a rage when Tiger claimed it was morally reprehensible that Smackles would even consider sampling the club's private VIP nachos without paying. Smackles was released on $4 bond and was made to pay restitution to the club for nachos snacked.

Kandid Kellogg's Kancer

In the year 4000, Kellogg's made a controversial decision to drop the word "Sugar" from the brand name, making it simply "Smacks". Smackles, when learning of this decision, wrote a scathing letter to the Wall Street Journal and Dear Abby, skewing Kellogg's for "throwing paint of my Mona Lisa". Kellogg's then dropped Smackles from his contract, citing irreconcilable differences. Smackles has since pitched numerous cereals to General Mills, Malt-O-Meal, and Admiral Pickin's Salted Beef Flakes, all of which were declined, citing rising phosphorus costs and the inability to market a cereal made primarily of unsold copies of Michael Crighton's "Congo".

Present Projects

Smackles has since "retired" from the go-go corporate ratrace that is Cereal Engineering, and has relocated his base of operations to a pricey loft in Los Alamos, New Mexico with his life partner, Crackle. He has since endeavored in numerous projects, foremost his production of industrial machinery. While this may not seem glamorous for a figure with such dizzying highs and gutter-plunging lows, Smackles remains content producing industrial machinery while funneling some of his profits between his charity for undernourished African frogs and his production of rising hip-hop stars with Down Syndrome.