User:Ninja/History of the World
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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This is a history of humans before the Internets. To summarize what happened, stuff really sucked and porn was really hard to find.
Contents |
Genesis
In the beginning, there was god. In this respect we were all screwed from the start. God was bored with being the only thing in existence, so he created a guy named Adam and a girl named Eve. They fucked like monkies and gave God something nice to look but their children were terribly inbred, which explains a lot for modern humans. Adam and Eve contributed something very important to human history. The dick, the pussy and the asshole. Because Adam and Eve were so immoral and lame, God kicked them out of the garden of Eden into the real world, where humans have lived until the invention of Second Life.
In the real world, humans had to make tools and hunt for animals for foods. This marked the beginning of the Paleolithic Age. Paleolithic humans originated from Africa, so we are technically all niggers. Paleolithic humans ate berries and had sex, it was very nice.
After a while, humans got bored of rolling right in the way they came, so they decided to settle down in what we call the Neolithic Age. This brought the rise of towns such as Jericho, which got pwned by Joshua.
Early Civilizations
These towns grew into civilizations, where women where easy to pick up and you were less likely to get gang banged because of mud walls. One of the first of these civilizations was Sumer. Sumer is located in modern day Iraq, which is a hell hole. Sumerians worshipped Cthulhu, and built ziggurats to worship him in all his gothic novel glory. The Ziggurats would later be useful for Saddam Hussein to hide in while the Americans ripped the place apart. The Sumerians also did a good job of writing, in a system called cuneiform. They wrote about shit like Gilgamesh, which the Jews revere as Noah's arc. The Sumerians would not last forever, as a kike named Sargon the Great of Accadia would fuck then up good.
Meanwhile in Egypt, another towelhead hellhole, a great civilization would also be built off the backs of Jews. The egyptians created a government called theocracy, in which a Pharoah would lead the people and act like god. The Egyptian religion would worship a wide array of furfags and otherkin, and started the first furry drama.
Even in India people were starting civilizations. The people on the Indus Valley did a lot of shit nobody cares about. Luckily for them, the Aryans, a superior race to all these sandniggers, invaded and gave the Indians many great things. The Indo-European language, the Hindu Caste system and those super cool Vedas. Infact, these traditions are held to the modern day by the Indians.
One particular injun went by the of Siddhartha Gautama. He sat taught people how to escape worldliness by doing drugs and shit. This religion never caught on too well in India, but them crazy Chinks love it.
In China, the Shang Dynasty began. This dynasty marked the beginning of the Chinese Dynastic cycle, which would end when the Commies took over. The Chinese began writing in moonspeak on what are called Oracle bones. They would write on a bone and then make it asplode in the fireplace. This moonspeak continued on to become the incomprehensible ching cong ding dang we hear today. The Shang Dynasty fell and gave way to Zhou Dynasty. Amid much of the violence, another religion arose, Confucianism. Confucious taught that all little kids need to go to medical school and become a well paid doctor, or be executed by their parents.
In South America, Olmec civilization began. The Olmecs made failure pyramids, and the hit 90's TV show, Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Jews
Aryan superiority also found it's way to the Middle East. The Hittites occupied Babylon and stuff, and invaded Egypt too. They made iron weapons and pwned easily with them. At around this time, a dark force was brewing. In Ur, a man named Abaraham was formulating a plan, to steal a country, Israel,blow up towers in America and rule the world. His first move was leading his people to Palestine. Palestine was a sandy hell hole, so they moved to Egypt. This is the first bad move made by the Jews, in a history of bad moves made by the Jews. In Egypt the Jews were enslaved and made pyramids and stuff. Some guy named Moses led them out of Egypt and gave them the rules of the Internet, which would serve the world well. Except Moses dropped them, lol. Despite this skullfuckery, God decided to pop back down again for the event and made a deal with the Jews, that they would last FOREVER.
In Africa, a linguistic migration was happening as well. The Bantu speaking people moved from Nigeria across the Sahara, spreading their bingbong longdong language and bananas as well. Surprisingly, these niggers were able to make an Empire, named Kush in modern Ethiopia.
The Classical World
In Greece, the Minoan civilization was forming. The Minoans lived on Crete, where they hung out with the Minotaur. This was all pretty cool, but the Minoans were soon replaced by the Mycenaeans. The Mycenaeans and Minoans began the path to the Greek world. The Greek world was made up of polises. A polis was a city with some farms around it. Of importance, there were two hueg polises. Athens, the democracy, and Sparta, the Sherodocracy. Sparta was a militaristic society, one fifth warrior, 4 fifths slave. Athens was a democracy, which led to much fail. The Athenians could never make up their mind in battle (like the US in Iraq), so they got assraped in the Pelloponesian War by Sparta.
In Spartan-controlled Greece, things were pretty awesome. However in 480 BC a guy named Xerxes came to town to mess with Greece. In this battle, 300 Spartans gave their last breaths to defend Greece. THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!
In Greece, philosophy was at an all time high, and by high, I mean these guys were on opium. There was some guy named Plato, who invented the Platonic relationship. Literature has also highly valued. One greek poet, named Homer, wrote the Iliad, a story about some dudes who went to war in Troy. The story made him so much cash, he wrote a sequel, named the Odyssey. This book was horrible, so someone decided to write an alternative sequel, the Aenead, which was the world's first fanfiction.
The Aenead was a story about a Trojan refugee, Aeneas, who escaped the burning city with the fire of Troy, a young shota, and an old man. He settled himself in Italy, where he started a family with some Latin girl. One of his progeny would be Silvea, a vestal virgin who went out into the woods one day and got almost raped by Mars, god of war, of all people. This would leave her with two unwanted kids, Romulus and Remus. Since Italians don't have abortions, and Romans don't take kindly to rape victims, the two kids were sent up the river and Silvea was buried alive. Tibernius, the river god, gave handed the over to Lupa, a she-wolf. They sucked wolf titties and grew into big wolf men. However, there was a prophecy, that only one kid, Romulus or Remus, would be successful. Obviously this would be Romulus, who founded Rome on the big pile of dirt next to the Colloseum in Rome.
The Roman Republic would grow xbox huge, and take over the whole Medditerranean and beyond. The Roman Republic would fall, where Julius Caeser was assassinated, because nobody wanted him to become Emperor. Ironically, after he was assassinated, Caeser Augustus, his son, would become Emperor of Rome.
At the same time, back in Sandniggerstan, major drama was brewing. In the town of Bethlehem, baby Jesus was born. Baby Jesus would later evolve into Black Jesus, who would teach to love thine enemy. Nobody listened to him, but it started a new religion, Xianity. Xianity would travel along the Roman roads and become a major religion. Back at the Roman Empire, Emperor Constantine would make Christianity the official religion, and move the capital to Constantinople, a place you can't go back to.
Meanwhile in China, the Han Dynasty was an Empire that was compareable to Rome. Even back then, the Chinese were making cheap shit for the stupid westerner, only back then it was silk. The Han Dynasty created civil service job and other stupid shit.
Back in India, shit was fine. The Mauryan Empire had united India, and the Gupta empire continued this trend.
Gets fucked
In Rome, the Empire was falling into decay. What caused the fall of Rome is up to debate. Some blame the Xians, which isn't new it seems, who corroded the Roman character. Others blame the Germans, which is a likely cause, of ruining anything. Nevertheless, in 476 AD, Romulus Augustulus was deposed from Rome and Odoacer didn't even bother killing the wimp. The Roman tradition carried on in Constantinople, or the Byzantine Empire. In Western Europe, bad shit was going down.
This point in history marks the beginning of the Modern World. Appropriately, the Modern World begins with the Middle Ages, the shittiest time ever. During the Middle Ages, there were two main forces. The Church, which had gone a long way since the lion pits in Ancient Rome, and feudal society. Feudalism began because the Vikings were pwning all over Europe with their Aryan majiks. The little Western Europeans needed some big swords to carry, so they hired knights, who would protect Europe in exchange for their delicious grainz. The knight would be given power over their domain by kings, who would sit around eating chickins all day.
While Europe was sitting around sucking it's cock, another death cult was brewing in the sands of Sandystan. This time it was a guy named Mohamed. Mohamed was some guy that went out into the desert one day. While he was out there he saw the angel Gabriel. The Angel Gabriel told Muhhamed that he would have a son and he would be the Messiah. This made no sense to Muhhamed, so he went back to his home town of Mecca and started telling people his story. They kicked him out and he fled to Medina. The Medinans all believed him and became Muslims. Doing what Muslims do best, they smote the non-believers on Mecca, and made it the new holy city. Since he was already on a roll, he and his men kept invading and spreading Islam until they hit Tours, France.
In 732 at the Battle of Tours, some guy named Charles Martel (or Chuck Hammer in English), stopped the Muslim expansion into Europe, and to this very day the damn sandniggers won't stop trying to break in.
Charles Martel had a grandson named Charlemagne, who helped the Pope beat off some Germans one day. The Pope liked having the guy around for protection, so on December 25, 800 AD, the Pope named Charlemagne the Holy Roman Emperor. This is bull, since Rome was already dead but who cares. Anyways, since Charlie Man was some Holy Emperor guy, he thought that made him half pope or something. Pope Leo VII had to tell him no, but he wouldn't listen. This began the Church vs. State conflict, some bullshit liberals like to rant about.
Charlemagne did some other terrible shit. He started the Carolingian Renaissance. During this time he outlawed Capslock, and invented CAROLINGIAN MINISCULE LATIN. CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL
Back in Constantinople, the Emperor Justinian was in a shitload of trouble. At the Nika Rebellion, some sports fans were pissed off that the games were fixed, so like a real man, he made his wife Sofia do the work for him and stop the rebellion.
Azn
Far away from there in Asia, an event of total weeaboo wankery occurred. At around 600 AD, the Yamato clan formed a Japanese government and started the Yamato Period. They adopted the Chinese moonspeak and Buddhism. In China the Tang and Song Dynasties were NOT FAILING like the Western World was, and made shit like the Great Wall. They also did foot binding, which took hueg ugly Chinese feet and made them tiny and sexy. In Cambodia, the Khmer Empire built Ankor Wat, to worship their Naga gods and eat bananas. One Khmer Emperor prophesized that after the Khmer Empire fell, the land would be inhabitted by monkies. It wasn't the first prophecy to come true.
Europe and Asia were ready to start a war. Europe, representing Christfaggotry and the steel industry had waged war on the A-rabs in the Middle East, who were merely attempting to gain more land for sheep herding. This is what we call the Crusades. The Crusades are divided into seperate parts. Th First Crusade is when all the knights in Europe were legitimately trying to defend Constantinople at the request of Emperor Alexius and the pope. The second Crusade is when all the farmers thought they could do shit, lol. There were numerous Crusades afterwards, all of which failed.
Europe's Closed
At the same time in Europe, the plague was going around. The plague was like AIDS only instead of being transmitted by sex, it was transmitted by being annointed by priests. This was a huge benefit to the world, because millions of Europeans died in the process, resulting in tons of land being free. Like cockroaches, the Europeans regrouped and took land from the dead peoples, and gained tons of money. This led to the Renaissance.
By the end of the middle ages, the holy city Constantinople was in for some major assraep. The Seljuk Turks successfully sieged the city, and it was like 9/11 times 1000. The Byazantine Empire was over, and finally the Romefags were laid to rest.
Christfags pull their heads out of their ass
The Renaissance was when the Eurofags gained some brains and started making better porn. Instead of2D mosaic shit, it was full figure man porn, delicious. Other things that happened was the Reformation. The Protestant Reformation was when Martin Luther King made his “I has a dreamcast” speech on the church door, which is known as the 95 theses. Anonymous took the feces, and copypasta'd the dox around Europe, bringing much butthurt to the church.The Church responded with the counter reformation, which was basically outsourcing the religion to Brazil.
