User:HedgeJew
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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 This user is a recent changes patrolfag. You can help by telling him to get a life.
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| This user is a member of the You can help by adhering to their every whim and desire and learning your place you dirty Jew. | 
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| WATCH OUT! HedgeJew is a very pretentious and talented artist that no one will understand! You can help by mocking their furry art, and then uploading over it. BE WARNED! Their art may make you go blind. |
User:HedgeJew is perhaps the worst fellow ever to wade around the Internets. He is as follows:
- deviantTartlet - With nearly 60,000 pageviews, and such shitty art too. WTF.
EDIT: Has decided to stop posting shit on that fail site, but continues to lurk there in case of lulz.DISREGARD THAT, HE WENT BACK, THE ATTENTION WHORE.HAHAHA HE FLED DUE TO COPYPASTA LOL HE CAN'T TAKE IT.
- Sonic fantard - Has a bunch of shitty fancharacters, including Tahra, a goth Mary-Sue who has the hots for Sonic and teh ghey for Amy, making her a pedo too. He has made it clear that Tahra x Amy is OMG KAWAII DESU NE and he is constantly seeking for someone to give him Rule 34 of those two. He has yet to recieve it.
- Jew - He did WTC. Need anymore be said? Do not, under any circumstances, give him your Jew golds.
- Fanfic writer - Most of his fanfics are tl;dr, which hides the fact that they suck. As far as fanfics go, they're actually well-done, even in the top 10%. But everyone knows fanfics are the lowest form of literature, amirite?
- Aspie - This means you can't say anything bad about him, because then he'll go BAAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!1!!!1eleventy and go to emo on his dA journal.
- Wannabe Channer - Uses and abuses so many memes that they become unfunny.
He still thinks that Over 9000 is funny.Nope, even he's tired of Over 9000.
It seems that on the scale of fail from 0-10, he is at least 100.
However, the light of lulz has made him try to be less of a fag and more win. Too bad he's too much of a nice guy to do any trolling of his own.
Contents |
LOL FANFICZ
The only thing that makes HedgeJew's e-penis HUEG LIEK XBOX is his tl;dr fanfics. While considered to be in the top 10% in fan-fic-dom, they are in fact, terrible. He rips off so many things that it's amazing that video game companies around the world have't rammed the lawlsuite stick into his rear end. But that hasn't stopped him from getting tons of cock-sucking fans.
END SELF-TROLLING HERE
The non self-trolling part
ED was first brought to my attention by an online friend of mine. At first I avoided this place, then I grew to like it. I lurked a lot, then finally decided to join. I've never looked back since.
This site really changed my outlook on life. I've learned to laugh more at myself (hence the self-trolling above), and I've lost some of my tolerance for stupidity. I'll admit though, some of the articles on here really lather on the cruelty. I still get a bit offended by articles on anything related to Jews and the Holocaust and the like, being Jewish myself. I just need to remember that it's satire. This also goes for the fact that I sometimes DO take some articles seriously.
The articles that are about memes and events and the like I find hilarious. This also goes for the ones that are about sick fucks and creeps like Chris Forcand, Urd-chan and Ohbutyouwillpet, or crazies like BitingBeaver, RHJunior and Chasethehedgehog. C'mon, those people DESERVED to be trolled. But those who I think aren't quite asking for it are, well, more cruel than lulzy.
I just hope the fine admins of ED continue to distinguish the lulzy documentation of drama from the butthurt attack articles, and wipe them off the face of the tubes.
Oh, and I HATE horizontal scrollbars. They make everything unreadable. I also lurk the Recent Changes page and abuse the {{baleetplz}} template on any crud I see.
Articles I have started/written
Articles I have significantly contributed to
Handy Pages (THX KH)
NO NEW CATEGORIES
ED:RC
Templates
New Pages
Plumbing Log
CheckUser
Block Log
Image:Pool's closed shit.jpg
Copypasta
{{Protectedreason}}
{{banwarn}}
{{subst:deathnotice}}
{{dummies}}
{{hateapes}}
{{subst:internets}}
{{learnyourplace}}
{{preview}}
{{stopnow}}
{{unsigned}}
{{userspace}}
{{subst:ytid}} (don't forget to add it to the list, asshole.)
{{Subst:Encyclopedia_Dramatica:DeviantART_Improvement_Drive/Deletesoon}} (don't forget to add it to the list, asshole.)
As a sysop
I may be a Sonicfag, tartlet and a writer of fanfics, but I will not do any favors for such individuals by deleting mean articles about them for you. My duty of reverting vandalism, banning vandals and butthurt blankers, and generally ensuring that the AIDS that is killing ED is kept under control comes before my identity outside the site while I am performing my sysop duties.
- If I see you making shitposts or vanity crap, I will kill it on sight, and you will be warned. Depending on my mood, you'll get anywhere from two to three strikes, and then you're banned, unless another sysop gets to you first.
- If I see you make a sincere, but ill-executed effort to write a decent article, I will move it to your userspace and direct you to it so that you may work on it in the future. If I am so inclined I will guide you in your work so that your article will meet the standards of our fair site.
- If you try to half-ass an article about some tartlet who made you cry, it will also be removed and you'll be forced to read [[1]]. But it will be for your own good. Failure to comply also results in b&.
- If you excessively use 4chan memes in your articles, especially Over 9000 or At least 100, you get a sharp stick in the eye or a possible short-term ban and a good yelling-at from me.
Basically, just follow the rules of the site and you'll stay on my good side.
LOL JEW PRIDE
Yes, I'm a Jew. inb4oven/JEWSDIDWTC/KIKEKIKEKIKE/HOLOCAUSTISALIE/etc.
But I'd like to give my thoughts on why everyone is so butthurt about us.
It's because we Jews are the ultimate trolls, both in technique and survivability/adaptability. And with thousands of years of practice, we've gotten awfully good at it. In fact, the very core essence of Biblical religion, after you strip away all the bullshit, is trolling. Not for the lulz, but it was trolling nonetheless.
- Abraham? He broke his dad's idols because they were made of fail in his eyes.
- Moses? He said to Pharaoh "Let my people go or else God will ruin you." Pharaoh said "Fuck you, ur banned". And then Egypt was then epically raided by the ten plagues.
- Jesus? He caused epic drama and butthurt in Roman times, and ultimately had an entire cult out to suck his zombified cock. He was also the first hippie.
- Marx? Sure, communism doesn't work like it should, but his ideas (albeit twisted) ended up overthrowing the Russian czars and the Chinese emperors.
- Einstein? He upended scientific thought by saying "SCIENCE IS DOING IT WRONG BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE LOL" and revolutionized science. Did I mention he also helped work on the atomic bomb? But he later got troll's remorse for that.
- Andy Kaufman? Epic Jewish IRL troll.
- Sascha Baron Cohen? Also epic IRL troll.
- Madoff? Though I think he's a fucking asshole who should be killed with fire, he scammed people out of billions of dollars (including from his own people) and kept up his ruse for years. That's a master troll if I ever saw one.
In terms of survivability, Hitler wasn't the first one to try and wipe Jews out or just get revenge. Hell, everyone who's tried to kill us off has just given us a new holiday.
- The Egyptians made Jews work their asses off building their Xbox-huge monuments. Now we memorialize the epic raid of the ten plagues with Passover.
- Some Persian dude named Haman. It might have worked if the queen wasn't a Jewish girl herself and told the sultan about it. Now we eat delicious cake-like sweets in the shape of this guy's hat on Purim.
- Hitler might have succeeded if he wasn't batshit insane and didn't try to invade Russia after making a peace treaty with them. It probably would have also helped if he had managed to keep Japan from attacking America until AFTER they were done pwning Europe. Why we don't have a holiday celebrating our victory over this guy I'll never know.
We've survived any and all oppression that's come our way, and the only ancient culture to survive to this day and keep its identity, even while our views may vary. Some Jews are hippie weed-smoking commies, others are adamant supporters of right-wing agenda. But we're all Jews nonetheless. Your resistance only affirms our identity.
Adaptability? Jews have always managed to find a niche in every society that has welcomed them. Of all the "minority" groups on Earth, Jews are the only ones who have mostly been able to prosper wherever they went. We've never had to fight directly for our rights (with the exception of Moses), but often we've helped other groups do so because they need trolls of our caliber.
I will not deny that there are many Jews in the highest echelons of the media and banking industries. But that's because they had the savvy to make their way to the top. And sure as hell they won't give a shit about the other Jews if they do try to create the New World Order.
tl;dr: Like Anon, we Jews are legion. We invented IRL trolling. We are everywhere. We are willing to forgive sometimes, but we never, ever forget. Expect us.
Sakurai's secret pr0n fic
Mmm... It feels nice and peaceful here. Hold on a second! What are you guys doing here?! If you think they're all going to be the same as they have been, it'll be rough for you. Trying to fight back is useless. Hey. Stop that... QUIT IT! I mean it! Samus has a problem. All of her armor fell off! What?! Is this... Could it be?! Look at her Power Suit shine! It’s time to rise up against this blatant provocation! You should really get a hold of this and just sink your teeth in. The more distant you are, the worse your connection becomes, and the slower it feels. Hang on a second. Do you see that thing dangling from Fox's waist? Surely he wouldn’t bring that thing out?! It's.. It's HUGE! It’s HUGE! He’s huge! Whoa, that’s huge! Whoa! He’s huge. It’s...big... This time it gets REALLY long! It's almost unthinkable! There are big ones and small ones. That weapon is extremely powerful. A solid hit from this delivers a mighty blow... but when it comes back, it also lightly pulls the foe's body. It really is a versatile piece of hardware. It's round, pink, and soft. And it is ethereal. Oh, yes. I-I… I want it! This expansion also increases your possible strategies, so fire away! If you see one of these, be absolutely sure to grab it. Basically, you hold it in your arms. Gotta heft this thing! Hurrrgh! Well, he certainly appears to be in good shape. Where are you sticking that thing? Is... Is it safe to eat that? It slowly turns around... Aim well and sally forth. The Wii is trying to connect in earnest! Look out below! He jumps on and starts racing! H-he has absolutely no problem fitting in! It's always hot to the touch. Hot! Hot! HOTTT! Whoa! That looks hot. Hot! Hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-HOT! Hot! HOT! You can move forward and backward! He strikes repeatedly with lightning speed! Hee ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya! Hup! Hup! Hey! Ho! Not too shabby, eh? Want more? The tension rises. Yes. That feels gooood... It’s exciting and exhilarating. Mmm... That’s amazing. Bzzzzzzzzzzt! I can’t get enough of this. My heart’s aflutter. I like the feel of that powerful rumble. They... They're really flying! MAXIMUM CHARGE! Power up and unleash it when the time is right! You can pull out. When you hold it in as much as you can...?! There's no waiting! This is it. It's magnificent! And then comes the finishing strike! (Check your volume settings.) SKRAAAAH! Off it goes! Down it goes! Pit draws his bowstring taut... And fires! You've been blasted! He’s shooting something up in the air! His rocketbarrels are firing! They just keep flying out like crazy! Stay dry! It's taking heavy fire, huh? When you hit someone with it... It sticks to them! Get... GET IT OFF! Then it explodes! Oh, the horror! I'd avoid it at all costs, if I were you. This...can be dangerous. Pass it on! It may even get returned to sender... And then comes night. He thrusts his sword in the ground and crosses his arms. Soon, people are flying around like rockets. You can brawl til dawn! Practice on Sandbag while you wait... The pictures make it easy to understand. Whether you’re siblings or close friends, two can play together! Set Allow Spectators to Yes in your Wi-Fi Options. This will result in your play data occasionally being sent to Nintendo. Ahh... That really takes me back. Oh, to think it's already over... If you had to call it something, I'd say it's almost like a sport. If I had to describe it in a word, it’s "watching!" And rumor is, you can even save screenshots?! It's rumored that this unpredictable character will give birth
PIX THAT MAKES A HEDGEJEW LULZ
 Weegee's Final Smash |
 I'd get back in the kitchen in the face of that |
 Funny because it's true. |
 I hope I get to say this someday to someone who deserves it. |
 Scouter: $201. Hiring 4 guys to look like idiots: $562. The look on their faces at a power level of 9001...priceless. |
 BIKECAT = win. |
 = 3(]) |
 JOKERS? IN MY DEAD CELEBRITIES? It's more likely than you think. |
 This message brought to you by The Foundation Of the Elimination of Faggotry. |
 BRACE FOR EPIC |
 Cuntpasted here for my convenience |
 Now we need one for the Sonic fandom |
 I have not lol'd so hard in so long |
 Those crazy azns |
 A SHOOP DA WHOOP by yours truly |
 1337speak? In MY history? It's more likely than you think. |
 Not exactly lulzworthy, but Longcat (ne Shiro) is certainly an adorable cat. |
 Stolen from User:LoliHAETpizza |
 I lol'd buckets |
 YO DAWG |
 HedgeJew is a fanboy of this guy. Isn't he awesome? |
 Sonic and Rule 34. They go together like salt and pepper. Except salt and pepper can't rape your mind. |
 THE TRUE FORM OF SHRUBKIKE REVEALED |
 Because in the end, the Internet is not reality. |
 The Decepticons know EXACTLY how to use other people's secrets. |
 I wish I had one of these as a kid. I would have gone outside so much more. |
