User:Bastardman

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For your exceptional contributions to the site, and to the entire field of greatness in general, I hereby award you with this Encyclopædia Dramatica Horseshoe. You've earned it. --Someone other than Bastardman 13:15, 20 June 2006 (UTC)

My Photo Space

Hey, ladies! Hit me up on my talk page for some sexing.

Hi! I'm Bastardman (pronounced bæst^rdmæn, bɔstədman or bæθt^rdmæn for those with lysps), your friendly neighbourhood administrator. I don't use my real life name on the Internet because I believe it to be unsafe. The one thing the Internet has taught me is to always be vigilant regarding to whom I disclose my real world identity, lest a serial child rapist use my computer to break into my home, steal all my worldly possessions and brutally sodomise me in my sleep, leaving me none the wiser about my aching rectum.

I currently reside in the basement of a delapidated straw hut, or "crannóg", in the west of Ireland with my parents, my grandparents and the twenty seven of my brothers and sisters who survived last month's famine.

In my spare time I enjoy training lab rats to perform experimental keyhole surgery on the knee caps of arthritis sufferers, cobbling together fully functional Telex machines out of Kellogg's brand breakfast cereal boxes and tobogganing. I am currently in my third year of Obscure Fijian Folk Music Studies at Blarney O' Riordan's College of Further Education, Ballybegorra, Galway.

I first came to Encyclopædia Dramatica at 17:13 UST, August 23rd, 2005. I was crying softly to myself and masturbating to an Ash/Brock Pokémon slash story when an IM window popped up, informing me of the existence of a website so amazing, so awesome, it had to be seen to be believed. After a few hours, however, I got tired of watching Meatspin and decided to browse around the net further, and finally I stumbled upon ED.

I was little more than an excitable, precocious young lad in the top of my game. The Internet was an intriguing, new frontier for me, and I wanted to make my mark on it. I wanted to make a name for myself. I wanted to take the Internet in my arms, croon to it softly, and then bend it over, taking its innocence by force, and finally depositing my seed within its fertile womb.

My Encyclopædian policies:

1. On vandalism:
   • Frankly it boggles the mind how people seemingly feel the need to click onto Encyclopædia Dramatica, a wiki which we have all spent countless hours, and poured our very souls into, with the intention of subverting and destroying everything we have worked so hard to create. Encyclopædia Dramatica vandals can be likened only to Hitler in their callous disregard for other human beings. I believe they should all be shot on sight. I HATE THEM SO MUCH!
2. On deletion:
   • The only pages which should ever be deleted are those which are horribly unfunny and have nothing to do with the purpose of the site. Of course, I reserve the right to go against this policy whenever I wish (what are policies for, right?), especially if I have personal issues with the creator of an article.
3. On sockpuppetry:
   • Sockpuppetry is the without doubt the worst sin one can commit on the Internet. In fact, the only way to be even worse than Hitler, would be to not only vandalise an Encyclopædia Dramatica article, but to do so under an alternate account which does not even show the courtesy of allowing us to harrass you by providing your real name and personal details. There is no excuse for hiding behind anonymity on the Internet!

Current projects:

• Remove more articles from the crap category.
• Craft the userpage to end all userpages.
  • Add more categories and userboxes.

Contributors whom I hold in high regard:

Myself.