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The Jewnited States of Americunts

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Every morning, american schoolchildren pledge their allegiance to the flag.
Every morning, american schoolchildren pledge their allegiance to the flag.
Current flag of the United States.
Current flag of the United States.
Flag of the United States, January 20, 2009.
Flag of the United States, January 20, 2009.
Map of the USA.
Map of the USA.
The United States battle flag.
The United States battle flag.
Typical Americunts as seen on the streets.
Typical Americunts as seen on the streets.
SUCK THIS
SUCK THIS
The modern American Judicial System in action.
The modern American Judicial System in action.
Che Guevara, American style.
Che Guevara, American style.
The Modern American YouTube user.
The Modern American YouTube user.

The Jewnited States of Americunts, also known as Murka, Amurka, Dumfuckistan, Fatty Nation and the Black States of America, is a theocracy somewhere to the south of Canada. It is composed of forty eight contiguous states on the North American mainland, and two others which no one really cares about. Amurka also possesses several territories, or insular areas, scattered around the Caribbean and Pacific, which were seized or stolen from other nations last Thursday. (Which is how the Americunts originally got all their land, amirite?)

Contents

Obesity

Since about 100 years ago, Dumbfuckistan has held the title of fattest nation on the planet. This title was recently stolen by Australia last Thursday. Americunts, clearly butthurt and highly jealous, decided the only rational way to counter Australia's dominance over the fatty title was to expand and export their horrid fastfoods, (i.e. McDonalds, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, etc). While Americans claim to enjoy a wide barrage of "fine" cuisine (greasy poor quality meat and lard), the rest of the world has consistently dined on healthier fair until the Americunts came along. Seeing that their revenge against the Ausfags was now successfully being implemented, Dumbfuckistan has focused their invasion of fatness upon the rest of the globe.

History

(Or anything else, for that matter.)
Amerikkka, Amerikkka, God shines His light on thee....
Amerikkka, Amerikkka, God shines His light on thee....
The Electoral College in action
The Electoral College in action

It is was once believed that the first Americunts were of a race of fags bred by their sister so that they might destroy themselves for the amusement of the world. However, like everything else in the world it was invented by Scotland. Most other Americunts were rejects in Europe and couldn't make it there, so they tried to start over in USA, where no one knew who they were or the animals they had raped. Americans are a social group of obnoxious white fucks who can be described as fat, arrogant, loud, stupid, inbred, lazy, and fat. Except for natives, Americunts were originally from Europe, and thus are all immigrants, but it makes them feel better about themselves trying to kick out Mexicans and other immigrants, cuz it might give them the illusion that they're flat out better. Their hobbies include stockpiling weapons, using weapons, framing others for having weapons, and creating envious rolls of fat via the storing of more food in them at one time than anyone else in the rest of the world. They typically enjoy blasting out an extra asshole onto anyone that has anything they don't (i.e., everyone.).

A well known fact about America is the story of how they got their accents. All the European fags invaded America, killing and fucking the cool azn/real American people. They decided to try and make their own language. Since the English pwned them all earlier in wars by Queen Elizabeth (The chick that couldn't get none cus she was busy killing peeps), they thought they should stick to English and make up a dumbass accent. So they all tried mixing up each European accent (Heeeeey I liek mudkips and schadenfreude just lik'a mama used to). Of course, they failed epically and all got a blocked nose. Hence the nasal accents!

What many people don't know is that soon after invented by Scotland America was taken over by a bunch of English religious extremists. Til today, America remains a haven for religious freaks around the world. When they are not busy eating at McDonald's, they are studying the bible. Americans think praying is the answer to all their problems. If their sister gets raped, they pray. If a hurricane comes and wipes out half their people, they pray. What most Americans are too stupid to realise is that there is no god. Until they do figure out the truth, they continue to build churches on every street corner.

It is common knowledge that after the invasion of the English zealots America was invaded by many other countries around the world and thus should be showing some friggin' respect. Ironically, it are fact that the world is so fucking sick of the Americunt monstrosity it created that it desperately tries to ignore it. This is of course impossible, given that America is full of loud, ignorant and uniquely ugly assholes. Meanwhile, it remains the center of attention, promoted by the Jew media, plus the fact that's it's ALL THEIR FUCKING FAULT that the current economic crisis has even taken place (And where did the Wall Street Crash of '29 take place? Yeah, 'xactly Americunts)

America's close neighbors have never picked up a history book in their life. Like five hundred years ago, a Portugese fag named Columbus decided to find an alternative route to Asia but ultimately failed once Columbia got in his way. He thought he was in India as red people's fault for looking all the same, enslaved them, brought them back to England, and was deemed a fucking asshole and died knowing that. However the English are too butthurt to acknowledge this so their government decided to brainwash people that Columbus discovered America instead of an awesome Scottish dude. There is a 99% chance this last sentence was written by an American, proving the rest of the world right once again.

Then At least 100 years ago, Holland and England were sick and tired of their gay location (except for Holland) and decided to go to America. Holland was like "Oh, let's set up a community here and a Stop n' Shop there" but then England was all "OH BUT WHERE WILL WE PUT THE CHURCHES?!?! YOU WILL ALL GO TO HELL YOU HEATHENS!!". Eventually, England did what they did best and decided to brainwash most of the Holland people into thinking America is the devil and all work and no play makes Jack a nice boy (these people would soon make the descendants of the ED users). The sensible people created a group called the Quakers, who invented oatmeal and porn, while the fucking faggots created Purists. Then more shit happened like The Patriots, Sons of Liberty, Loyalists, but that's another story.

Eventually, after years of getting pwned by England, they gave up and we got our independence on July 4th, 1776 as the United States of America. Now back to your teenage angst. A few hundred years later, or maybe it was Last Thursday after they got their independence, they started thinking they were bigshits, and tried to invade the maple sucking canucks up north. The attempt failed brutally. The Yankees were pushed back down past their white house. And when the Canadians had drank their afternoon tea (cause of course they drink tea, since they are unfailing supporters of England), they burned down the white house and all of Washington, which resulted in the Americans being all butthurt and stopping the invasion. Sore losers. Of course now-a-days, Americans only read history books to prove to the Canadians of today that it was the British controlled Canadian army that beat them and not the Canadians. Both sides were utter phail in their conquest to victory and they both tried to claim winnar. People call this the war that nobody won and the war of poor communication. Even though USA did not win the war, most Americans today want to be Canadians. Many border guards offer fellatio to Canadians to let them in. When asked, 75% of Americans prefer to be annexed by the Canada.

America loves wars, and hasn't gone 5 years without being in one. USA frequently attacks small countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Japan, and Vietnam and still manages to get their asses kicked by the native farmers with their terrifying rocks and pitchforks. but hasn't had the balls to attack a real country. [1]

USA's historic value is one of a highly questionable nature, ja.

Experimental Weapons

Everyone knows that the Americunt special/biological/experimental/homosexual weapons division is responsible for: The Black Mesa disaster, Supermutants, Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Supersoldiers, Homosexuality, Religion, Satan Claus, Mudkips, Zombie Goastes, and over 9,000 other such occurrences.

Culture

Cover art of a booklet that comes with the Green Card.
Cover art of a booklet that comes with the Green Card.
A typical American Couple and their daughter.
A typical American Couple and their daughter.

An important part of American "identity" involves lying to oneself and maintaining that America is the best country evar by forgetting that the rest of the world exists. To Americans, the only country that exists outside of the United States is the one with which they're currently at war. As such, Iraq is the only country that currently exists to Americans (with the possible addition of China, as Americans are at war with the Chinese economy). Americans display their ignorance of other countries as a badge of patriotic courage. Examples include:

Television

Let's face it: The average American has an erratic bond with their idiot-box. Any content-rich programme is acceptable in this moron paradise provided it has no relation to anything intellectual or sophisticated. So, expect to find that slapstick humour (some guy getting nailed in the balls or a child being hit by a car) is generally well-received by critics who certainly are not being paid off to endorse that bullshit. Srsly, watch America's Funniest Home Videos to hear and see a bunch of shit-chucking dumbfuck apes laughing stupidly as a kid falls off a bicycle and cracks their head open on a sidewalk. QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT. Or alternatively, watch any other programme with the term "America[n]" in the title (because it's a requisite to being hailed by critics and audiences to witness bad music and/or non-intellectual humour), and you'll understand why America home to the dimmest of dimwits.

Shows:

Government

Ex-president and current lord of the demon estate Castlevania, W.
Ex-president and current lord of the demon estate Castlevania, W.

The United States is ruled by a bunch of gay, corrupt Senators that will suck your cock twice at least 100 times if you look at them crooked. They meet in the United States Capitol whenever the fuck Europe starts whining about arbitrary issues they can't handle. Since everyone in America is rich off European money, including the bankrupt Government, work is not necessarily a priority. Why work when you can enslaves Africans, or rob Iraqis for their oil? The United States Government allows all citizens to buy, purchase, and own ANY form of firearm. Firearms can be purchased on virtually any street corner or local Wal*Mart. How else can a 15 year old walk into a school and blow away half his classmates? However, I would not recommend buying anything made in the USA.

Obama is too much of a nigger too fix anything.

The Voting Process

American inventiveness and entrepreneurship can still be seen, i.e. as the head productor of Fleshlights
American inventiveness and entrepreneurship can still be seen, i.e. as the head productor of Fleshlights
An accurate depiction of the United States of America
An accurate depiction of the United States of America
Post 9/11 America, according to any other country except Dumbfuckistan.
Post 9/11 America, according to any other country except Dumbfuckistan.
The election of US Governmental officials is complex, but made simple through the process of cheating. In USA, there exists 2 parties, the right wing, and the extreme right wing. The Republicans and Democrats, issue candidates to be chief warlord ("President") and tribal elders ("senators"). There are also many pretend parties that support their own candidates, but that's just a funny little joke they play, because they know nobody is going to vote for them. Without these imaginary parties, Americans may actually try to question their false model of a democracy. But this is all just retarded shit made up by some Euro piece of shit.

Then the people of the United States gather for conventions, where they receive the autographs of the two real candidates and have their nude pictures taken with that guy from Babylon 5. At these conventions, people will inspect the candidates' postures, teeth, hair, and clothes. Hardcore voters may also inspect the party policies, which are usually written in disappearing ink.

A complex voting process follows:

  1. Voter writes down the name of the candidate he most favors as dictator.
  2. Voter writes down the name of the party he most prefers.
  3. Both names are converted to numbers using the enigma code. These numbers are jumbled at random and added together.
  4. Voter proceeds to name his favorite flavor of ice-cream. If his original candidate likes the same flavor, one adds 1,000 onto the previous score. If the candidate does not, one deducts 1,000 points. These values are doubled if the voter has a high perception skill. If the candidate does not eat ice cream because he is a vegan, then a Green Party member has somehow got in and a new election must be called.
  5. Resultant number is subsequently divided by fifteen and rounded up to one decimal point.
  6. A +2 die of entanglement is thrown. The outcome is multiplied by the first number of which the voter thought.
  7. Voter chooses a card from the deck. If it is a black card, one deducts 100. If the card is red, one adds 150. If it is a joker, repeat previous step. Threes and nines are wild - four buys another card. If the current Warlord is a Republican, all black cards are removed from deck before play.
  8. This final figure may be skewed by the electoral campaigns, which take the form of a gathering of color-coded, but otherwise identical monkeys flinging shit at each other.
  9. On voting day, voter inputs number into RepubliCom voting machine and collects fuel coupons.
  10. Final tallies are added together for each state, then ignored as the Electoral College decides it with a coin toss.
  11. ????
  12. PROFIT!

Economy

The United States of America has the world's largest and most technologically advanced economy in the world. This however is not set to last, as by 2040, china will have overtaken the USA as the world's leading economy, strictly for the LULZ. In the mean time their immediate wealth is partly due to the fact that the United Kingdom, Japan, and Germany (not to mention, to varying degrees, Canadia, South Korea, Israel, Kuwait, Australia, and Rhode Island) are now America's lapdogs who are under submission due to threat of possible US invasion. This goes back to the question of why should Americans work when they can get others to. See modern day slavery. Whenever a technological or industrial breakthrough takes place in Mexico or Germany, the US is quick to swoop in and bribe the inventors with McDonald's cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets in exchange for the intellectual property. When leaders of Mexico and Germany have protested this imperialism by the United States, US Presidents have simply said "Watch the movie 'Saving Private Ryan'", Loose Change, or "Watch the movie 'The Sands of Iwo Jima'" followed by "We can throw down again if you want to, huh? You wanna do that? That's what I thought Yoshi/Fritz, we're cowboys baby...YEEEHHHAAAA! That's how we ROLL BIOTCH!!!" Nixon resigned days later.

The United States has a yearly GDP (income) of about 15 trillion. This is larger than the 6 next richest nations combined, but it means little because the US spends roughly 33% of this money on porno, Big Macs, Budweiser; the other 66% is used on guns. The remaining 1% disappears in a puff of fairy dust. One of the United States' main claims to fame is the outspending of every other nation in military while spending nothing on welfare. It is less commonly known that USAns (the inhabitants of the United States) are also the world's foremost producers and consumers of innumerable other products, including liquid paper, noxious gas, Tupperware, disposable diapers, corn, High School Musical School Spirit Lava Lamp, SUVs and baseball.

What Americunts Call Cars

The Americunts' taste of cars is as admirable as their taste in music.

Below is a list of the basic criteria of what makes a car American:

  • An engine so inefficient it takes 5.7 liters to produce 290 horsepower, like the Camaro Z28.
  • A clandestine interior plastered with tan leather and wood paneling covered with so much lacquer that the act of lighting a cigarette inside would result in an immediate explosion.
  • A V8 iron block engine with push rod valves, cuz that's how the future rolls! Oh, and no variable valve timing, either, cuz that's a load of bullshit and nothing is more efficient than a 7 liter engine that generates 120 horsepower at 900 RPM.
  • At least 60 cupholders, so you can keep all of your drinks once you come back from a trip to McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Sonic, TGI Friday's, Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Denny's, Olive Garden, Dominoes, Long John Silvers, KFC, and Golden Corral.
  • Paper thin rubber tyres covering enormous, 20 inch wheels now known colloquially as "dubs."
  • An overall bodylength as long as Chile.
  • It must weigh at least 4000 lbs and have a suspension that feels like Jello.
  • It must be able to carry at least 12 people but be owned by someone who lives alone.
  • It must be less fuel efficient than NASA's current shuttle technology.
  • It can only go in a straight line at 200 mph. Anything else would be too complicated.

List of Americunt cars that look or perform like shit:

  • Ford Mustang - srsly? How can you have the audacity to have a trim level called "GT" when nothing you guys build weighs less than 3500 lbs and runs on dead fetuses?
  • Dodge Viper - You needed an 8 liter V10 engine to lose the Le Mans? Fail.
  • Ford GT - The Ford GT40 was designed in England, and you took the credit when you won the Le Mans from 1964 to 1969, and this car goes to show you can't even build sometime non-shit based on that car. Again, fail.



Trolling:

Trolling fans of American cars is so easy and sure to hook you up with great lulz. Simply run a YouTube search for drag racing or NASCAR, where your sure to find all the American car fanboys. Simply typing something derogatory comments as "Ford SUCKS!!!!111" or "Corvette can eat a dick!" will make these lunatics fly off the track in straight lines. Expect to hear comments about you being a Communist and hating America, and then go on to say how fast it goes on a drag strip and that all Azn cars are four-bangers made of bear cans. After this, brag about the success of the Honda NSX and the Nissan Skyline to see what insane cars of comparison they come up with (ie: Corvette, Mustang, Camaro).

Military

America is all about sacrafice lurnin the chilldrens how 2 spel.
America is all about sacrafice lurnin the chilldrens how 2 spel.
Blue denotes Murrika.  Red denotes Niggertown. In Niggertown, they hate freedom.
Blue denotes Murrika. Red denotes Niggertown. In Niggertown, they hate freedom.
This man is considered lightly armed by American standards.
This man is considered lightly armed by American standards.

The U.S Military is a bunch of homo fags that are too stupid to pass first grade, so they drop out and join the military, to avoid prison where they take steroids to make it look like they work out when really all they do is eat McDonald's and have anal. These retards are actually trusted with guns and bombs and which has resulted in an American invention known as "friendly fire". This event only occurs when they're around and basically consists of a fucktard shooting someone on their own side and going "sorry you had a gun and I just freaked out". Americans only have the balls to attack others when they are armed to the teeth and travel in numbers. When captured alone, they are not like Rambo, but simply get beheaded on youtube.

[emo] drug dealer/truthfag.

America also enjoys firing at British troops, and bombing British tanks. This has gone back as far as the Second World War, as shown in a British wartime joke; "When the Germans shoot, the British duck. When the British shoot, the Germans duck. When the Americans shoot, EVERYONE ducks!". It should be noted that this joke is a good example of American ignorance. The reason friendly fire is higher among American forces is because they're retarded and badly trained. Others have argued that they are flat-out retarded and pretend to be just dumb instead of the irredeemable morons they truly are. Since America's army exploits every country, they build huge rockets to watch the pretty colors, but then they discovered that they actually kill people when a guy thought he could reach the moon on one and failed, which resulted in the modern nuclear bomb.

The bulk of former soldiers in the United States of Americunts, have banded to together over the years to form the citizens' militia; essentially a group of rednecks from Alabama, who tote obscenely large weapons at every possible juncture to compensate for the small average size of the Americunt penis.

The main problem with the american army seems to be the inability to aim, or co-ordinate any form of attack that doesn't consist of blindly shooting until you hit something. This is not helped by the high incest rate of america, which results in the low IQ and fleeting attention span. Training in the american army generally consists of having your head shaving and being able bodied enough to hold a gun, whereas other more traditional armies persist with the idea that teaching people to aim is of some benefit, something america did away with some time ago.

To conclude, the main love of the average American is sodomy or incest. Due to American people being so rude, hostile, trigger-happy and lame, they fuck and finger each other every day, just because. And all non americans better be happy we dont stop fucking eachother or we'll get bored and nuke you get fucked up the ass with a spiked 10 inch dildo by the infinitely better trained, better equipped and non-gay countries of the world.

"Liberation"

'unofficial' Department of Defense motto.
'unofficial' Department of Defense motto.
the 1941 baby drop, a forerunner of what was to come in 2008
the 1941 baby drop, a forerunner of what was to come in 2008

The United States has a tendency to free other countries from entities that may or may not actually be a problem - most recently:

  • Freeing Vietnam from Rice Farmers.
  • Freeing Korea from being an entire country.
  • Freeing Afghanistan from Terrorists (and Opium)
  • Freeing Iraq from Terrorists (and Oil) while killing 1 million of them
  • Freeing The Whoal World!! from Miloševič
  • Freeing the UK from British pop music
  • Freeing Bin Laden from prosecution.

On tap:

In the works:

  • Freeing Venezuela from duly elected President Hugo Chavez, or whomever the CIA decides to install after the coup. (also Oil)
  • Freeing the world from North Korea - a crafty ploy, as it was the US that brokered that missile technology to them through 3rd parties. A simple plan and a great excuse to go barging in. Also the fact that their very existence was spawned from the giant hairy sphincter commonly known as the USSA.

America is not very good at bombing the shit out of poor Middle Eastern civilians that have about three rusty missiles from 30 years ago and a crate of AK-47s with which to defend themselves. Alot of Americans die in the lengthy process, however in their defence it is mostly through friendly fire. Fighting a country such as North Korea, which might well have weapons of mass destruction, is a little bit riskier, that's why USA lost the Korean war. As a result, America probably won't invade unless they have the support of The North Korean Government and are certain China won't nuke the shit out of them in retribution, even if they wanted to.

Many people believe New Jersey, Massachusetts and California are the US's next targets as they are all violating the US's strict "no freedom allowed" policy.

You're welcome.

Inventions

JerUSAlem
JerUSAlem

Cities, States and Whatnot

Map of the United States
Map of the United States

Population

Facts about America and Americans

  • %50 of Americans don't know the Sun is a Star
  • %50 of Americans who read this will shit them self's
  • Americans invented such things as Rape, Idiots, Hillary Clinton, Whores, Sluts ect.
  • In America you can get a Pizza delivered to your house faster then you can get a Ambulance to your house
  • In America they have drive-through ATMs with braille lettering
  • In America there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • In America this fact bar needs more facts. Please someone add on. and delete this if you do

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