Twatter
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —@TiffanyMynx, Typical "tweet". |
Ordinarily, when one sees someone talking to themselves aloud in public one assumes that that person is batshit crazy. With Twitter, however, you not only get to 'talk' to yourself 'out loud' without the presumption of insanity, you get to subject as many random punters as you can muster to your rambling thoughts and gibberish. With that in mind, we can conclude that Twatter is a paradise for people with autism.
Twitter (also known as Shitter and Twatter) is a Web 2.0 site for fags who are too stupid to use IRC and need turn-based chat. Typical Twitter users subject each other to a relentless play-by-play of minutia in their otherwise meaningless lives 24/7/365. Got a new job? Just drank a glass of milk? Took a big shit? Tweet it!
Entries are limited to 140 characters and are generally uploaded via txt and IM. Anyone you add has their entries posted on your feed and spamming up your cell phone, so there's no chance of avoiding them unless you block them. Twitter is considered by some as a "Stalker's Heaven.
tl;dr: LiveJournal on crack or Facebook without all the apps and just the status updates. The Twitter equivalent of the blogosphere is known as the Twitterverse.
Also, they ask for your email password when signing up.
Contents |
Programs
For being such a boring, useless website, Twitter has over 9,000 apps to waste space on your harddrive. For some reason, these are really popular, as there's one entry for every five that says some stupid name that generally has the word "friend" or some variation of "Twitter" in the name.
- twhirl - Stupid looking waste of space.
- netvibes - Don't expect to know what this website even does.
- twitterific (more like Shiterific, amirite)- Hmmm...post on the website for free, or buy a program to do the same shit for $15US?
- twitterfox - A Firefox plug-in. If Firefox is even open, it should take a few seconds to update with or without the plug-in.
- twit - Named after those who download it. Only for weeaboos.
- twitterfeed - Semiuseful service for getting RSS feed items to a twitter account.
- tinytwitter - Boring.
There are, obviously, millions of other third party apps including blatant ripoffs of stuff like Mob Wars from Facebook.
Entries
Since Twitter is basically a Retarded LiveJournal, updates might range between one to two letters. Generally, an entry may be about what music someone's listening to, when they're going somewhere, a response to someone else, what they just clicked on, what they just thought, what letter they just thought about, what punctuation they just thought about, or beautiful poetry.
Even Twitter's own web site introduction admits that Twitter is redundant and offers no social benefit:
No Troll Hypothesis
In 2007, many fanbois and retarded bitches persistently claimed that trolling does not occur on Twitter. News of this Troll Free Zone - unheard of in the history of the internets - spread far and wide, and caused a massive explosion of late to the party lusers to sign up.
This theory has been officially trashed, as evidenced by the trolling of many famous persons including Bill O'Reily, Britney Spears, Trent Reznor, and other douches in the late morning hours of 2009 as reported by paid trolls Gawker.com
Shotz:
| OMGHAX | ||||
|
||||
|
Drama! Twitter Refuses To Uphold Terms of Service! Oh Noes!
Unfortunate Ariel Waldman unfortunately works for Twitter's unfortunate competitor Pownce:
| —Ariel does the right thing. |
| —Ariel can't take it anymore. |
| —Twitter doesn't give a fuck about your lame drama. |
Instead of using the rather obvious block feature to ignore the offsensive user, Ariel began to harass the Twitter admins with complaint messages, only to be ignored. Butthurt and embarrassed, Ariel embarked on a large scale publicity whoring campaign to let the world at large know that Twitter refuses to uphold their terms of service' including lawyers and all.
The whole event caused a great deal of worry and concern for Twitter's loyal followers, as it provided a simple and obvious proof to invalidate the No Troll Hypothesis, and raepd them of any perceptions of their "specialness" as an "online community".
Scalability Is Serious Fucking Business (My Cock is Bigger Than Yours)
The instability of the Twitterverse and obsessive posting habits of many lusers means that daily use of Twitter has the network profile of a DDoS, frequently choking the site and blocking updates. This forces the lusers back to their usual faggotry where they whine and complain or post fawning sycophantic comments on the fail blog, a colossal feedback loop of narcissism leading to a dripping clusterfuck of triviality.
Transcript of a Typical Tweeting Episode
- Tweet / LuSer: eating a bagel! om nom nom (10:41am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is down! waiting for it to come back (10:43am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is still down :( (10:51am)
- Tweet / LuSer: is this working? (10:58am)
- Tweet / LuSer: seems to be working (10:59am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is back again! (10:59am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is down (11:01am)
From the outside, this typical behavior could easily be construed as vapid inanity. But engineers know that Twitter is Serious Fucking Business, making every Twitter failure a grand opportunity to compare penis size in blog posts that use the magic word Scalability. Technical experts know that Twitter is a Distributed Messaging Service, which means that only engineers with massive cocks can understand the significance. Nothing could be more important than typical LuSer losing her ability to tell her retarded followers what she had for lunch. Of course, engineers know that they have bigger dicks than you and the Twitter developers, which is why they're obliged to mutually masturbate over every instance of Twitter fail, an activity which they call scalability advice from the trenches. This continues to happen, despite the fact that none of them have ever managed a successful high traffic website, nor do they have any fucking idea what the Twitter architecture actually looks like. The tubes are alive with the sound of fap fap fapping.
Technical expert reasons why Twitter architecture epitomizes Fail
- It is built with Ruby on Rails.
- The Series of tubes is not gay enough to handle distributed asynchronous push style messaging.
- TL;DR
Actual reason why Twitter architecture epitomizes Fail
- Twitter is a joke business that generates no money but plenty of lulz for its developers, who are attention whores addicted to the shit storm that occurs every time their service goes down
Search.Twitter.com
As a sister site, Search Twitter is a real-time search engine with which you can see what is being said about certain keywords at any moment. It's a decent tool for seeing what the sheeple are thinking. Go ahead, try out "4chan", or "I am gay". This might be the only redeemable aspect of Twitter.
 That there is cancer. |
 Coming out of the e-closet. |
 OMG TWILIGHT!!!1!111ONE |
 Guise, i had bacon. iz this mean i have teh swine fevar? |
Of course, the best time to use Search.Twitter is when there is a mass panic about. For instance, the swine flu scare showed just how stupid people became in times of crisis.
2009 Iranian Riots
Twatter has finally filled a niche, albeit a dirty, smelly one. Iranian Citizens have recently begun rioting in the streets because their poster-boy candidate wasn't elected. Being the cunning, organized people they are, the people are now using Twatter as a way to communicate quickly and efficiently. As seen here, live 'tweets' from the Revolutionaries are being made.
What does this mean for Twatter? It means that Web 2.0 has unknowingly shat out a perfect tool for anarchist communication. LOL!
#obamahasaids
David Cameron on Twitter
9.00 David Cameron says sorry for 'twat' comment during radio interview http://bit.ly/41nsJT
9.01 David Cameron aplogises for accidentally killing Archbishop Desmond Tutu live on Loose Women whilst submitting him to a 'dutch oven'
9.09 David Cameron apologises for nude photoshoot in Nuts in which he smears porridge on the grave of Farrah Fawcet and eats a live mouse.
9.11 David Cameron apologises for waggling his vomit-stained cock at David Frost in an interview desribed by Tory HQ as 'otherwise basically ok.'
9.12 David Cameron apologises for holding Nelson Mandela in a headlock on 6Music. Reports that he was nude & blacked-up remain unconfirmed.
9.15 David Cameron apologises for threatening to eat Diana Athill's hair live on the Radio 4 Bookclub.
9.16 David Cameron apologises for slicing off own nipples during PMQs. 'That's Cocaine Dave' shrugged a spokesman. 'He's off his tits. Literally'
9.17 David Cameron apologises for kicking pensioner to death during Question Time, urinating on Paddy Ashdown and the quietly vomiting
9.18 David Cameron apologises for rubbing genitals on camera-lens whilst eating faeces from ice-cream cone during Newsround.
9.20 David Cameron apologises for whipping out cock and pursuing Fern Britton across Broadcasting House whilst screaming.
9.25 http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8188201.stm
See Also
External Links
- Main page
- The real Twatter
- What to do in a plane crash? Twitter about it while it's happening.
- Get your boss to use Twitter
 Twatter is part of a series on Web 2.0 | Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • PHP • Hypercube • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • User-generated content • ITunes Store
Web 2.0 Sites People of Web 2.0 |
|---|
