Rape
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Rape, also known as surprise sex, is an extreme sport described as "the act of pwning with a penis". As such, it is quite probably the lulziest act known to man this side of flying two 747s filled with fat Americans into two phallic towers also filled with fat Americans. Further, rape is the ultimate seekrit all-time female fantasy. Try it, because rape is ALWAYS funny.
- Fun Fact!: Frank Sinatra once wrote a tribute to rape with his song Strangers In The Night.
Contents |
Types of Rape
- Assrape
- Date rape
- Sleep rape
- Hawaiian Dicking
- Basement rape
- Surprise Sex
- Prison rape
- Ræp
- Goldfish Rape
- Rape by 1,000 Arabs
- Almost Rape
- Taxes
- Paying Retail
- Listening to Miley Cyrus
- Broom Handle and Hockey stick Rape
Rape As Medical Treatment
"Mary's First Pelvic Exam"; or, "The Rape"
- Provider: OK Mary, now I am going to put in the speculum. I have warmed it up. Can you feel how warm it is?
- Mary: Yes, I can feel it.
- Provider: Now I am separating the outer lips of your vagina and beginning to put it in. Can you feel it? How are you feeling now?
- Mary: OK, I'm OK. (A little nervously)
- Provider: I am going really slowly. Remember to breathe deeply. Are you still in your rose garden (or other "safe" place)? What color are the roses? My favorite is yellow. How are you?
- Mary: It's OK.
- Provider: Tell me when you are ready to have me put it in further.
- Mary: It's up to you.
- Provider: Now I am putting it in further. How is this?
- Mary: No. No.
- Provider: OK. Now I have stopped. Breathe deeply, Mary. Smell the roses. Should we pick one? Are you still holding that finger? We just have a little further to go. Tell me when you are ready.
People Who Rape
So, You Are A Rapist?
See Main Article: Rape Checklist
People Who Get Raped
ANY GIRL OR GUY WHO GETS RAPED ALWAYS DESERVES IT! We cannot emphasize this enough.
There are three different types of rape victims: Sluts, Secret Sluts and Willow Palin.
Sluts
Sluts are simply asking for it. Dumb and disgusting, they deserve to be raped over and over again. About 99.9% of girls who claim to be raped are sluts...it's like, "Bitch, what did you expect?" We have to teach sluts a lesson about who the superior sex is and rape the shit out of them so that they can learn their lesson. All feminists are sluts. Besides, we put them to sleep with pills first. But rather than just accepting their unfortunate fate and getting on with their lives, feminists will constantly dwell on the "traumatic" event, defining their entire lives by a single bad experience. This is why we need to rape every feminist out there to show them who really controls things and to show them that they're dumb whores for thinking they can stand up to us. Unfortunately, feminists are annoying butthurt mutants and there's rarely enough alcohol on hand to make the bestiality palatable. In fact, statistics show that 10 out of 10 men would rather rape a malfunctioning blender.
Secret Sluts (Good Girls)
This is the rarer form, but ultimately a more fun victim to rape. Examples of these would be children and, very obviously, virgins. If you can't get a child or don't want to risk it, then find an innocent small-bodied teenager. She will work just as well. Act like you are her friend at first or that you are interested in her, and she should succumb to you right away. These girls are dumb as hell. If you're lucky enough to have gotten a virgin then she should be extra tight. Not only will you cum really fast and very strongly, but there is no better feeling in the world than watching some girl cry in pain as you're popping her cherry. Pull her hair, spank her, even cum in her mouth for added effect. Have her tell you that she likes it, and if she doesn't then threaten to pound her even harder. These girls will just grow up to become sluts anyway, so they deserved it too. Make sure you cuddle these girls afterwords though, just to make them feel a little less "raped". Just kidding, tell them to go make you lunch. After she brings you lunch, pop her in teh pooper for good measure.
Willow Palin
Last Thursday, old coot talk show host David Letterman suggested that Willow Palin, the 14 year old daughter of Alaska governor Sarah Palin was almost raped by baseball player Alex Rodriguez. Many conservatives were extremely butthurt and said so on their blogs [1]. Letterman will probably be dead by the time his son makes the inevitable adolescent mistakes, because that's what happens when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend when you're 57.
Phone numbers of people who should be raped:
(347) 235-4409
(718) 639-7525
(718) 636-2954
(718) 932-8925
Cultural Views On Rape
Rape has always played a part in human culture. This is partly because of the fact that all women, in all societies, have a rape fetish. Unfortunately only the fat ones who can't get laid any other way actively pursue it. Skinny bitches, instead of admitting they're sluts, will simply blame the man. Paradoxically, in nearly every single society, rape is frowned upon and women are usually treated as victims.
Here is a general overview of rape as viewed by different cultures:
The Jewnited States Department of Justice View On Rape
When it comes to sexual assault and rape, consent is the Golden Calf of legality within the United States. To determine the difference, apply the Bill Clinton test: "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit thrust harder."
An Example of "Failure to Consent"
Jerry and Vanessa have been married for 23 years. Jerry has been home alone for a few hours drinking vodka and is completely wasted. Vanessa comes home and says, "Hey Jerry, Wanna have sex?". Jerry responds, "OK". Vanessa grabs his hand and pulls him up the stairs, since he is too drunk to walk, and into the bedroom. They engage in two hours of foreplay, femdom/dominatrix style. After that Vanessa ties Jerry to the bed so tightly that he can't move and puts a condom on him. She then proceeds to put his penis into her vagina and thrusts until he ejaculates. She repeats this process three times that night. Technically Vanessa never said "Yes" or "Let's have sex", so she calls the cops on Jerry for rape. He is arrested and is punished to the full extent of the law.
Women falsely accusing men of sexual assault is so serious that in 1995, it was proposed that all jurors in the UK be told of the high amount of girls who false accuse on this issue. - sexual assault book written by two women. only 1/7 people accused get convicted in the UK, because it just doesn't happen as much as women would like to think it does.
Christianity's View On Rape
According to the Bible, God himself condones rape and he himself impregnated the "virgin" Mary without her consent, which she didn't give until after the event took place.
Unsurprisingly, another Bible verse directly contradicts this rape-condoning message. Deuteronomy 22:28-29
- 28 If a man finds a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;
- 29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.
This section was written by an atheist bastard trying to make a legal precedent for a rape he was planning. His reasoning was that in biblical times, no one would even consider marrying a raped women, so her rapist must support her.
Rape is a common follow-up to Christian Women's Retreats.
Feminism's View On Rape
Feminists, as is well known, are twisted, bitter creatures who have equally twisted views of rape. Members of feminist communities (such as feminist) live in constant fear of rape. Every one of them has:
- been raped hundreds of times
- almost been raped hundreds of times
- known someone who has been raped hundreds of times
- listened to a Tori Amos CD about rape hundreds of times
- watched The Accused hundreds of times
Because men all have penises and like sticking them in people, every one of them is considered by feminists to be a potential rapist. However, because all feminists have mouths, every one of them is known as a definite bitch.
DevianTart's View On Rape
A wise man once wrote:
- There is no such thing as rape. Any female who leaves her rightful place in the house and the kitchen is fucking begging for cock in her holes. If she gets the cock she so badly is asking for, it's not fucking rape, it's a damn slut getting what she fucking deserves.
- Males still rule this fucking world. In most of the world, a fucking bitch can get killed for looking at a man straight in the eye. In America and Europe, every day dumb sluts get their holes penetrated without their so-called consent, which isn't rape, just them getting the fucking dick they deserve up their asses.
- Sexual abuse is on the rise, spousal abuse is on the rise and more bitches die every year. Fucking cunts. I am so glad I was born a man. I am so glad there is a bunch of retarded sluts jumping trough hoops just to get my cock.
- Haha, females are so fucking sad. We treat you bitches like shit, and you still spend time, money and effort on trying to look good for us. Way to be a good slave, whores. Now keep acting like sluts and sucking our cocks. And if you change your mind after you leave the house, too fucking bad, you're getting your holes fucked and there isn't shit you can do about it because that's your only fucking purpose in life.
That wise man was later praised and offered a selection of beverages for his words.
The Black Man's View On Rape
Though deficient in most fields, the nigga has developed a highly advanced rape culture.
| —Official wisdom of the African man |
In the South African medical community, rape is widely used to cure lesbians of lesbianism, which in South Africa is considered a mental illness.
The nigger, highly trained and experienced in committing all forms of rape, possesses a secret phrase that dispels troll's remorse: "It's not rape if she enjoys it!" Thus speaks an aide of the president of South Africa, currently accused of raping his AIDS-positive niece.
No need to worry about Mr President's health, he's clean - he took a shower after the act and thus avoided the AIDS.
Niggers consider rape by the black man to be a privilege. This view is concisely summed up in a message on The Obama Forum written by a brother who chose to share his views on pepper spray:
Rape? In My Evolution?
What does rape have to do with evolution? Incredibly, this quote from the evolutionary magazine New Scientist suggests a genetic connection:
| —Insult to injury - Matt Walker, New Scientist, 23/06/01 |
As such, rape was a part of all animal's life cycles until about 100 years ago, when butthurt ugly feminists with penis envy permabanned rape and all acts of cock pwnage from human society. To this day, humans are still the only animals that frown upon rape.
Great Moments In Rape History
John Petroski, the former Opinions Editor at The Recorder - a Central Connecticut State University publication - wrote a learned editorial titled Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It, in which he had this to say:
Most people today would claim that rape is a terrible crime almost akin to murder but I strongly disagree. Far from a vile act, rape is a magical experience that benefits society as a whole. I realize many of you will disagree with this thesis but lend me your ears and I’m sure I’ll sway you towards a darkened alley.
If it weren’t for rape, Western Civilization might not exist as we know it today. When the Romans were faced with a disproportionate ratio of women to men in the early kingdom, they had to do something, lest their fledgling society die for lack of sons. To solve their little dilemma, they did what any reasonable man would do: they threw a festival for their Sabine neighbors, and then stole and raped their women. It’s quite logical; in fact I don’t understand why the settlers at Plymouth didn’t do the same to the local Indians. It certainly would have saved on shipping costs.
Obviously, in the case of the Rape of the Sabines, rape was a tremendous help to society. The Sabine women, for their part, didn’t seem to mind so much, as they threw themselves between their brutish old Sabine husbands and their charming new Roman ones to prevent bloodshed when the Sabine men came to reclaim their wives. Yet even when society was totally against a rape, the raunchy act has benefited society too. Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren’t for the Rape of Lucretia infuriating the people to the point of overthrowing their last king, Lucius Tarquinius Super-Bus? If it weren’t for that event, the world might never have had the Roman Republic for a pristine example of a flawless government.
Rape’s glorious advantages are not, however, exclusively found from 2,000-year-old examples. In actuality, rape’s advantages can very much be seen today. Take ugly women, for example. If it weren’t for rape, how would they ever know the joy of intercourse with a man who isn’t drunk? In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if he didn’t have a few schnapps in him? Of course he wouldn’t, at least no self-respecting man would, but therein lies the beauty of rape. No self-respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too, and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.
Ugly women are not, however, the only people who benefit from rape– prisoners enjoy its many perks, too. What, after all, would possibly be more boring than spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day? The answer, of course, is spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day and never getting some hot action. With rape, prisoners never have to worry about that. Instead, they merely need worry about treating their rapists with enough love and respect to earn a quick reach-around.
But if there is one bread and butter reason for why rape should not only be accepted, but even endorsed, it is because our news editors are in dire need of interesting stories for our front page. Bookstore stories? Fossils? One dollar coins? Please. Now, some saucy circle jerk rape action? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Rape Safety
In this section, we will explore proper rape precautions... for the rapist. If you're a woman looking for tips on the prevention of rape, psychological support, and other such bullshit, go to a rape support fan site. Then get back to the kitchen and make me a sammich.
First off, you must make sure you have the necessary equipment to proceed with your rape. Take off your pants, and look down at your pelvic region. Do you have a penis? If so, great! You are already prepared to begin raping! If for some reason you lack a penis, don't worry, you can still rape people. You just have to be more creative: try using something else to invade the victim's body; e.g. a dildo, broom, finger, fist, midget, head, etc. However, a penis should be used for maximum pleasure and hilarity. Remember: the savvy penis-eqipped rapist will always use a condom to avoid receiving SUVs from the woman. After all, you don't know where that slut has been, and you don't want to smudge your otherwise enjoyable experience by getting a disease.
Now, before you can go out and start forcing yourself upon unsuspecting women/men, it is important that you know how to avoid prosecution. Consider these tactics:
- Skull-fucking her is great, it's funny and makes it way too embarrassing for the victim to report it
- Rape a straight man. Either he will never tell anyone, or you will turn him gay
- Find a midget who can't possibly defend herself
- Find an old lady, - nobody will ever believe you wanted to fuck her in the first place
- Marriage afterward
- Rape only deaf mutes - if you cut off their hands they can't tell anyone
- Pay them afterwards
- Prevent them from saying "No"
- Ask if your rag smells like chloroform
- Exclaim the word "SUPRISE" before your victim cries "rape"
Legal scholars have pointed out these facts:
- If your victim doesn't speak your language, they're probably saying "yes"
- If your victim says no an even number of times, then it's a double negative.
- Rape with a toy (dildo, etc.) is not flesh penetration
- Sex in the Animal Kingdom is technically rape (as it does not include verbal consent), so surprise-sexing a furry is not punishable by law.
- If she gets a nipple erection it shows she was enjoying it.
Did you get caught? You fucking loser, what are you going to do now? Look, just stay calm. Maybe one of these excuses is your golden ticket out of the pokey:
- She was asking for it (which is almost always the case anyway)
- She was asleep at the time.
- She was drunk and/or high.
- You have Autism (how can you be punished - you're special?)
- You cuddled with her afterwards.
- You didn't cum (it's not technically sex if the man doesn't get off)
- She's ugly.
- She didn't fight hard enough on purpose and therefore wanted to be raped.
- You paid for her dinner and drinks.
- You are more attractive than her boyfriend.
- She was dressed provocatively.
- You have amnesia.
- It was for national security.
RapeX
The most important thing for any potential rapist to remember is to be wary of the 'anti-rape' female condom, or RapeX (AKA LulzKillerX). This anti-rape device is equipped with razor-sharp blades designed to drive themselves into any unwelcome penis. Should you slip up and get your dick caught in one these (you fuckin' noob), your only real course of action is to flip out and abuse the woman twice as much as you would have done otherwise. However, if you're a truly 1337 rapist, the RapeX can be used against the woman. By taking out the RapeX, turning it inside-out, and using it as a condom, you can boost your Man points by an incredible amount.
| —Truths |
However, there is one good use for RapeX Condoms, discovered by Anna Kohler, lulz pioneer, albeit she is a cum slutting whore, PWNED!
- I was 18 years old, I was at my school and looking for something to do. As I was walking through the hall, I saw a packaged RapeX Condom lying on the ground. I picked it up and had an idea. I walked to the nearest bathroom and inserted it. After the device was inserted I walked to the Special Education lunch table where I sat down next to a shy 19 year old Autistic boy with very dirty hair.
- His name was Robbie; he told me his name immediately after I told him mine as he had been instructed by his "helper." Right after we introduced ourselves he noticed how attractive I was and having no experience with women, grabbed my left breast. Instead of smacking him and getting him permabanned from the school system, I smiled and allowed him to squeeze my size "D" breast as I thought about my plan.
- It was easy to get him to leave the lunchroom with me; we found the first open closet we saw. I took him inside and locked the door, than took off my clothes; he didn't need to be told to do so himself. I climbed down on top of him and let his large, Autistic penis stretch my vagina. A few seconds later, Robbie was in more pain than me as the RapeX Condom attached itself to his Penis. I continued to fuck myself with his penis until I finally had an orgasm; than I quickly got off of Robbie, wrapped my shirt around my chest, and ran out the door with the retard trying to figure out what had happened. There was a Police Officer near the closet and I ran to him and crying, told him that Robbie had raped me. The RapeX Condom was all the evidence that was needed to convict the Asspie.
- You want to know why I did it? I love sex, and being as attractive as I am, it's easy to find guys to fuck me, but unlike a guy I'm not supposed to get fucked that often. Since I didn't want to be called a slut, and I didn't want to put myself in a position where I could be raped and potentially injured; I decided to rape a worthless Asspie and get him put away for it where he'll be one less Lulz Killer in our society.
Get Help With Rape Today!
Have a great chat with someone who can help you if you have ever been raped before. Here is an example of how great help with rape is:
Mallory: Hello, how may I help you? (anonymous): hello Mallory: Before we go any further I would like to check in about some safety and privacy concerns. Would that be alright? (anonymous): yes (anonymous): of course Mallory: Thanks. First, occasionally technology fails so before we go any further I just want to make sure that you have the National Sexual Assault Hotline phone number. It is 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). If for some reason you are disconnected I encourage you to go back to the waiting room to be reconnected (anonymous): ok (anonymous): thank you (anonymous): is there anything else you would like to add before we begin Mallory: Do you have any questions or concerns about computer safety or privacy issues? (anonymous): no I have read the TOS Mallory: Ok. Well, thank you for reviewing this safety and privacy information. If you have other questions or concerns please let me know at any time. But now, would you like to continue to discuss the issues that brought you to the Online Hotline? (anonymous): yes (anonymous): my boyfriend (anonymous): Richard C. Mongler (anonymous): we were hanging out 2 weeks ago (anonymous): this is really scary for me I am sorry Mallory: Its okay. Take your time. (anonymous): He really likes video games.. (anonymous): and he sort of has a fetish for them (anonymous): like he likes me to dress up like characters from video games Mallory: Ok. (anonymous): well (anonymous): we were hanging out at EB games and he saw a game called battletoads (anonymous): for the original nintendo system (anonymous): he played it for long periods of time (anonymous): he became obsessed with it (anonymous): and before we were going to sleep 3 nights ago (anonymous): he had a battletoad costume (anonymous): he had wanted me to dress up in (anonymous): I was extremely embarrassed and I told him I didn't want to. (anonymous): he started to get violent (anonymous): and he started to hit me (anonymous): He hit me near the temporal bone and I was knocked unconcious Mallory: I don't mean to interrupt but Mallory: I don't need to have all of the full details in order to provide you with proper resources. (anonymous): yes... Mallory: I'd like to make the best use of your time and focus on giving you as many options and resources as possible. (anonymous): yes I am sorry Mallory: Not a problem. (anonymous): my head is just rushing through with what happened (anonymous): I am really scared (anonymous): is there any specific detail you would like to go over with me?.... Mallory: Well I am glad that you are reaching out. Just to keep the confidentiality though, I ask that you don't provide any names or personally identifiable information/ (anonymous): ok Mallory: Have you been able to reach out to anyone about what happened? (anonymous): yes my mother Mallory: Ok. (anonymous): she got scared as well (anonymous): and told me I couldn't let him do that to me and said if you felt he was going to follow you we can move to bel-air
NEVAR FORGET!
The only real "victims" here are the so-called rapists. Women seduce these men to have sex with them and then call it rape because they don't want to look like whores.
- PRO TIP: It's not rape if they're dead.
Money can buy Rape
Dante explains how to Raep
Rape music and coincidently the national anthem of Austria
Why Rape Does Not Exist
Rape is what happens when a woman says no to sex. However, according to the philosopher House, you can't say no if it isn't a question. And according to Nickelback, sex is never a question. Therefore rape is impossible.
Gallery of Rape
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See Also
- Almost Raped
- Asking for it
- B2K - Boy band raped by their manager
- Battle Raper
- Cameron Shaw
- Crystal Shinkle - Tried to prosecute a man for consensual sex
- GHB
- Glenn Beck - Raped and murdered a girl in 1990
- GreenRaeper
- John Skelton
- Josef Fritzel
- Kathy Sierra - Sexually harassed through internet mail and blog comments, allegedly scarred for life.
- Max Hardcore - Rape enthusiast. Also available as a babysitter Thursday through sunday.
- mexicanicepick - Whined about an alleged date rape on LJ
- Mikeeusa - Pontificates that rape is awwwwwwright, because God says so.
- Rain
- Rape Checklist
- Rape Clock
- Rapelay
- rape.sh
- Stormy Attempted to rape a girl in her own bedroom.
- Teenage Kings of Werribee - Raped a Retarded teenager and sold the video footage online
- Teresa Cooper - Internet proponent against rape.
- YouTube Rape Video - Raped by 3 13 year olds
- Mathew Hahn A well know king of Surprise Sex in Australia. Feel free to send him a message or two on how well he's doing on teh rape.
External Links
- GETTING RAPED BY THE BURGER KING - or a similar force
- She hates to hear about rape, since she was obviously raped herself.
- The international community of rape scholars weigh in.
- Moar rapez
- Rusty Iron Rapist
- at this site
Be sure to put up plenty of links to this article . (Not all) rape victims are not the emo bitches the site makes them out to be.
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Rape is part of a series on Aspies. |
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