Tom Green
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Tom Green is a Canadian-born, Los Angeles-based comedian going through a period of hell no performing artist would ever wish for themselves. Once a favorite of MTV-watching 13-year-old boys and Drag Queens, Green demoted himself, through frustration of being terminal fail with Hollywood, to performing his comedy on the internets. He is famous for marrying Drew Barrymore, and for divorcing her four months later. Green also performs hip-hop even though he is, by all accounts, Canadian.
Green is also the last comedian to let cancer pwn his comedy career since the late Bill Hicks. During his time battling what became known as The Cancer Ball Scare, Hollywood believed he was stricken with AIDS, and wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Since then, he has broken his leg in a Hollywood Hills skateboarding accident, published an autobiography that no one bought, and kept plugging along with his fail of an Internet TV show without a clue on how to market it better, despite the A-list guests/friends he invited to his house for his show. He pathetically streams his Internet talk show from his own living room, since no major media market will put up any more money for Green to fail harder than Chevy Chase trying to be Johnny Carson.
Green is currently doing hookers and blow with Carson Daly. Thus leaving his internet show open to memes and hackers.
Tom Green raids can be found on FatNigger, #tomgreen and 4chan.
Contents |
[edit] Tom Green Show (Original)
Done back in his native homeland of Canadia, Tom Green started his show in 1994 on public access. It pre-dated and was the main source of theft for Jackass. This show actually kicked a lot of serious ass. Tom did crazy shit like slicing a rotting raccoon in half with a chainsaw in front of a live audience. The show featured a lot of content that would be censored in any other country such as beastiality, and swearing. Other lulz maneuvers of this show included:
- Sucking on cow udders [1]
- Humping dead animals [2]
- Creating statues of his father beating/anally raping his mother [3]
- Pissing off soccer moms by stealing the ball [4]
- Saving his parents from a fire at 3 in the morning [5]
- Turning his dads car into "The Slutmobile" [6]
- Making fun of cripples [7]
- Fucking with the intercom in stores [8]
- Attempting to play baseball encased in a bubble [9]
Tom often created alter egos to do a variety of fucking awesome things:
- Homeboy - A wigger who took an ax to a cow's head and proceeded to shuck the brains out with his bare hands to make a brain boat in a segment aptly titled "Cow Brain Boat." [10]
- Burning Feet Man - A superhero who had a gasoline accident and decided to help mankind with his newfound power as a guide and beacon to the average citizen. [11]
- Hockey Guy - A man who took his ice hockey to the street in full equipment, pissing off little skater faggots and making them squeak, "What's wrong with you!?" [12]
- Cumdumpster - A woman trying to improve herself with various skin creams and inspiring young people all over. [13]
- Scuba-Hood - A professional diver who works for the bank, stealing change from the poor (mall fountains) and giving it to the rich (the bank). [14]
[edit] Tom Green Show (MTV version)
He was picked up by SUPER-COOL XTREME MTV and moved his show to America in 1999. Unfortunately this show turned out to be a stripped down, censored, and basically fagged up version of the original. Tom even refuses to make a DVD of the show, even though he owns the rights to it, because he knows it sucks.
[edit] The New Tom Green Show
Now if the MTV version wasn't shitty enough, he made a "New" show, which was his lame ass attempt at a talk show. Was probably the most unfunny show since Seinfeld. This is when Tom Green took a major nosedive, and everyone forgot about him.
[edit] Cancer
When the epic fail gods were about to descend upon him and put the banhammer on his show, Tom Green took drastic measures. In order to generate more lulz, he put his nutsack in a microwave. He did this so he could get cancer and televise it, since cancer was funny as hell. However, this stunt failed so hard as his marriage to Drew Barrymore that today we pity the kids with cancer for reminding us of Tom Green.
[edit] Marriage to Drew Barrymore
Green's marriage to Barrymore was doomed from the start. Her asshole Hollywood friends (particularly her Charlie's Angels castmates) frequently snubbed Tom, Barrymore's erratic behavior was never full of lulz, and the coup de gras, a tabloid blurb of Drew liplocking a whore threw their relationship into complete divorce fail. Of course, Barrymore is not totally to blame, since Green was being too much of a cancerous-ball asspie to notice the damaged goods he was banging.
[edit] TOM GREEN EPIC TROLL
On August 26, 2008, at 2:10PM EST, Tom (yes, the real Tom) posted the following message on the drewbarrymore.com forums:
[edit] Tom Green's House Tonight
No longer a mainstream celebrity, Tom is now playing the Internet celebrity game by inviting his washed-up celebrity friends (and some A-list stars, who always seem to feel out of place or jolted by having a talk-show backdrop in the middle of a living room) to appear on his show, which has produced a number of lulz.
In August 2008 Tom, desperate for ratings, decided it was a good idea to incessantly beg viewers to call and/or text their friends and get them to also tune in to his crapfest of a show. Many anons saw this for what it was: a personal army request, and had no qualms about spamming his email page with copypasta informing Tom that the internet is not his personal ratings army.
[edit] ACHTUNG
Tom always makes people wait for his show using an "Achtung" screen.
During this period of time, Victor starts playing Duran Duran, NIN and Nigger Music™. Victor always puts the achtung screen 1-17 hours before the show. It is rumored that during that period of time Victor rapes asian men that he keeps in his basement.
[edit] Raids Tom Green
On 08/16/06, the /b/tards invaded Tom Green's call in show for epic win. Tom Green held up a sheet of paper reading B and put on an afro wig to accompany his suit. He also endured an hour of Desu spamming, "Pool's Closed", and "do a barrel roll!" all of which are popular 4chan memes.
By the end of the show however, Green had had enough. He joined his guest in announcing "thanks to you assholes this will no longer be a call in show". This is unlikely as the show features no other content. The show immediately following Green, "Girl Talk", was also completely ruined by /b/. They were bombarded for three hours with "Osaka porn", "barrel roll", desu spam, "shoop da whoop" and other such memes that never were very funny anyway.
[edit] Raid Aftermath
The "raids" were met with mixed feelings on /b/, there were those who were lolling out loud, and then there were those snarky wankers who criticised the action in a desperate attempt to uphold the /b/ SUPER SEKRET ELITE clique environment. We at ED can assure you that the Tom Green raids qualified as lulz, and that the aforementioned snarky wankers are just butthurt that some people are being entertained by something that they, personally are not. These snarky wankers seem to have caught a new strain of cancer that causes the victim to believe that lulz are Serious Business, and cannot accept that minor lulz in the form of what's really more like Audience Participation than anything else are, in fact, funny to people who do not deserve to die in a fire.
[edit] /b/reaking news!
At 2AM EST on 7/12/07, Tom held the Tom Green Show "in the middle of the night" version. This followed a show the previous day where he hocked off a bunch of junk on eBay, then PMS'd at his camera operator before ending the show half an hour early. Tom appeared drunk and spent half the show ducking behind his desk and trying to rap. He got one prank call and afterwards was literally screaming "BARREL ROLL" and "MUDKLIFFS" at every caller. Evidently, he plans to hold late-night shows semi-regularly, and no trace of the show exists on his site.
[edit] GENTLEMEN
On 6/3/08 at approximately 1:04 AM Eastern Tom Green was "performing a meem" when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in his neighborhood, he performed the gentlemen "meem" flawlessly, but got in one little fight and his producer got scared when someone called him a fat nigger six times, and Tom again behaved like a pussy saying such lulzy phrases as, "I like meems," "meems are not cool after that," "You try to help people out, you screw around with someone that likes meems and whatever..........." Lulz most certainly ensued and whoever performed this raid should be congratulated.
[edit] DICK-ROLL'D
On 6/17/08 at approximately 1:57 AM Eastern Tom Green met a 19 year-old caller on Skype with his brother playing WOW. Tom eventually gained the caller's trust and decided to let him stay on the air and let some callers in. The first caller shouted, a "meme" which is frowned upon in the #tomgreen community, "FAT NIGGER, FAT NIGGER..." The second caller asked him about a time when a snake bit Tom Green and he did a barrel roll. Right after Tom Green responded to the third caller, the Skype caller put a Guy Fawkes mask and eventually started to fap on camera. Tom immediately shat bricks after spotting the mask. Also Tom got severely butthurt over a caller inquiring about Drew Barrymore. It is rumoured he became a An Hero by overdose after hearing of this and Victor will be taking over the show.
[edit] Happy Fat Nigger Day
08/23/08 Bob calls in to wish Tom a Happy Fat Nigger Day. This coupled with many more Fat Nigger calls made Tom disconnect his phone line. FAT NIGGER CALL?? CLOSE. FUCKING. EVERYTHING.
[edit] A Few Recorded Calls
Tom Green Show
- [15] Tony Hawk did a barrel roll
- [16] Madness? THIS! IS! 4CHAAAAAN!
- [17] tom green gets goatse'd
- [18] Tom Green gets called a fat nigger, ends the show and says, and I quote, "No one will evar hear this, nevar again!!"
- [19] Same video as up there, Tom Green performs "meems" for the callers enjoyment, "fat nigger" ensues, tom green is butthurt
- [20] Tom butthurt level reaches under 9000 and threatens to take the prank callers to COURT
- [21] Happy Fat Nigger Day Tom!
Girltalk
- [22]
- [23] - For some reason, it hasn't been deleted.
- [24]
- [25]
- Some more archived Girl Talk raids
[edit] Links
- The official Tom Green internets room
- Tom Green's Internet TV site and XXX gay porn
- Tom Green's Wikipedia article According to TOW, he married a 13 year old girl, got her pregnant before she turned 14, and Tom Green was convicted of child rape.
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