British Scum
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from Brits who hate other Brits writing about it in the same mean-spirited fashion as Americunts. Important: Internets relevance, e.g. trolling Brit MySpace pages, other examples of online English faggotry a must. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
| Warning!: No stupid schoolboy shit or b&. |
| This article needs moar humour, not just ZOMG LIVERPOOL SUX. You can help by adding moar humour, not just ZOMG LIVERPOOL SUX. |
Not to be confused with The Scots, The Irish or The Welsh -or 'Brits' for that matter- The English (or Englishmen) live in a part of Great Britain called England. A veritable cornucopia of inbred animals (from London's Cockney yobs to Liverpool's Scouse gits to Newcastle's Geordie hordes), The English are a shit sandwich made of poverty, filth and scum.
Alcohol is the glue that binds English society, and is the only drug that makes associating with their cold and arrogant countrymen bearable.
Contents |
North and South
Like the USA, England has its own north/south political, cultural, and economic divides.
In England, the north is filled with people who work in caves for a living, drink cum thicker than mud and have no arseholes. The south is full of arrogant faggots desperate to be American but too proud of their sexy -but less sexy than Scottish Irish- accents to actually move.
Geordies
A Geordie is, like all English, a worthless, dirt-poor piece of scum. Like everyone else in the entire bloody country, they are under the mistaken belief that Newcastle is the finest city in the world, just because they happened to be born there. In its natural habitat, the Geordie can be found staggering around the streets blind drunk at 11 am, picking fights with random people and shrieking unintelligible bullshit at one another. Whilst such behavior would be acceptable in the Scots, being (nominally) English, the Geordie has no excuse. Like the Glaswegian, you don't have to provoke the Geordie to be threatened with violence. They are also the only city in England that gives two shits about their failing football club, widely known to have the most thick-skulled and illiterate morons as supporters. This is apparently the only city south of the Scottish border that the Scots will even acknowledge.
Felixstowe
Felixstowe is a small to medium to large to small again sized town situated on the south Suffolk coast, England.
It is the most generic representation of an English sea-side resort.
Notable Residents
Felixstowe does not so much have distinguishable individuals, as much as a constant, never ceasing blur of bland and lifeless inhabitants.
Once, in the Summer of 1962, someone saw a cat.
Life in Felixstowe
The town boasts three main educational establishments: Two High Schools (Orwell and Deben, so named after the two steaming rivers of piss that surround the town), and a third, more popular institution: The Arcades.
It is here that Felixstowe's Chavish offspring learn the many skills and abilities that will see them through their impending first stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
However, it is Orwell High School that still continues to defy all attempts to maintain an efficient schooling system in Felixstowe. This is not to say the institution is without its own achievements.
Arguably, one of the greatest students to have ever graduated from this fabled establishment is Mark Lankester, who excelled at chemistry. He is now, of course, a world famous Brain surgeon who in his spare time reads to the deaf, and fosters children from deprived areas such as west Yorkshire (specifically the white rose area) He is also married to world renowned martial arts expert Matthew Parker. Mark was particularly noted for his star crossed partnership with Mr D. J. Travers, who sadly perished in the infamous 'Room G6 Incident". He is now commemorated by a 15ft bronze statue on the Netball courts, which the caretaker was quoted to have said is "A fitting tribute to a truly Heroic Chemist". Science has since been banned throughout Suffolk.
Another student who you may have read about in the tabloids is Alex Wold: Who was controversially voted 111th person you most love to hate in a recent channel 4 poll, mainly due to his love rat antics and general sexual excess (hence the gout).
Also Jonathon Neill, just because.
Despite various certificates being issued, and occasional claims of pupils receiving and education at Orwell High school...As of yet, no proof is to be found.
Life expectancy in Felixstowe, like all seaside towns, is surprisingly high, in fact 150 years above the national average. Residents can be expected to live into their mid 230's, many still actively involved in vandalism. Making the never ending task of maintaining the Town's unique Smeg-Houses a risky choice for those few residents lucky enough to own their own home.
Manchester/Mancuntians
Home to the Manchester United soccer football team, which is worshipped by all 13 year old boys and other fags. 95% of Manchester United's fans weren't born in Manchester, and over half of those have never even been to Manchester. Unfortunately none of them seem to realize it's shit and no-one cares. No-one actually wants to live in Manchester owing to the fact that it's a shithole, and it was recently voted the 17th worst place to live in the UK (pipped to the post by, suprise fucking suprise: Middlesborough). All true Mancuntians support Manchester City (they can't afford United tickets), and Manchester United's closest fan lives in Guatemala.
Every city in the NorthWest of England hates Manchester, and believes it has a personal rivalry with it, when in fact, Mancs have absolutely no idea that everyone else hates them, as they are too busy robbing cars and over gelling their hair.
Leicester: Sump of Shite
Leicester is what the government call "a multicultural hotspot and an educational action zone". This means that it is full of illiterate chavs, teenage mums, pakis, kurds, gooks, niggers, arabs and a handful of nice people. Even though the council is pouring £££ into redeveloping the city centre, they are woefully neglectful of teh suburbs, and consequentially the city's 350,000 people are ghettoised. The poor white people live in Braunstone, Mowmacre Hill and Noo Paaks (New Parks), where you will get knifed. The poor white people who will shoot you live in Beaumont Leys. The rich corrupt Pakis live in Evington. The Immigrants (Kurds, Albanians, Gooks, arabs and niggers) live in the St. Matts estate and Spinney Hill. The richer white people live in harmony with Pakis in Stoneygate, Westcotes and Knighton. The richest, most honest people don't live in Leicester at all. Leicester's state schools are shit. New College has a truancy rate of 12.5 %, F'llurst has the police in nearly every day, Lanky Boys will see you knifed and Leicester College is, according to one source, "full of chavs and freshies". Crime is high in Leicester; Braunstone is a sump of crime, with one study noting up to "five burglaries on one house in three years", and New College is the source of dozens of car-burnings. Leicester's sports teams are mixed; the Leicester City Fooball Club is shit but the Leicester Tigers are somewhat better. DoN'T Go tO lEiCEsTeR!!!1one!1eleven!
Liverpool/Scousers
Home to possibly the second most annoying accent found in the UK, the first being that of Cockneys. The European Capital of Culture 2008 (WTF?), "Liverpool is diverse, energetic and exciting", and apart from look at some boats, throw stones at seagulls and shooting children there's nothing much to do there.
Scousers are an ethnic minority in England and traditional customs include:
- Robbing
- Moaning
- Drug Dealing
- Not working
- Leaving liverpool and then telling everyone how great it is
- Having a great sense of humour (but lacking the ability to laugh at themselves)
- Not reading "The Sun", a great British lulzpaper
- Blaming everyone else for their own fuck-ups and then somehow demand justice (compensation money) for it
- Finishing every sentence with "larrrrr"
Every Scouser is aligned to supporting one of the two local football (Soccer) teams, who are both talentless scum. One full of players who are niggers, the other full of players who resemble women, ugly bastards, and a captain whose girlfriends gender is uncertain.
Every Scouser over 60 claims to have known the Beatles personally. Every female Scouser over 60 was asked out by Paul McCartney, but said no.
All Scousers know every other scouser.
p.s Scouse girls are fucking filthy, and ALL scouse men are violent, and deal cocaine. Do not EVER trust a scouser. Luckily, they were cursed with THAT accent, so they should be pretty easy to spot. Even the posh ones sound fucking poor.
St. Helens/Wools
Though the term wools can also be applied to multiple towns around merseyside which nobody gives a fuck about, it mainly refers to the stupid wankers who populate of St Helens. "Wool" comes from "Woolyback", which any wool will tell you originates from some shite about bridges, but we all know comes from fucking sheep in the arse. In St Helens, there is one pub, four houses and a rugby team. The team are extremely successful. But it's Rugby Union, so noone really gives a fuck.
Birmingham/Brummies
Birmingham was a massive industrial center in the past, and as a result, the whole city (and the sky above it) remains a shitty shade of grey ALL THE TIME. It is this dreary industrial heritage that inspired 4 young men from Aston (Black Sabbath) to invent "heavy metal", so if you really want to blame anyone for the emo fad, then you know where to point your pitchforks.
It is also home to "Brum" a weird yellow car that had it's own television series around 100 years ago. It drove round and pissed everyone off and its owner never knew that it was really alive and could talk and everything.
In a recent nationwide poll, the Brummie accent was voted "least trustworthy" of UK accents. It was also voted "least intelligent”,“least friendly” and “most dishonest".
Coventry
The ancient Coventry city is located just south east of Birmingham, right next to Birmingham's "arsehole" (if you imagine Birmingham is bending over, facing left, and you are viewing her in profile).
Coventry just "appeared" on the map in 1043, after a drunken Benedictine monk mistook a cartographers note book for a "scroll" of medieval toilet paper. This is why Coventry is shaped like a smear of shit. Nobody has any explanation as to why it still smells this way, 1000 years later. The monk was also married to the legendary Lady Godiva, who is famous locally for publicly having unprotected sex with a horse (a.k.a bareback horseriding).
Coventry has always been hated by the rest of the country, so much so, the phrase "sent to Coventry" has evolved into the national phrase for losing.
According to Indopedia.org, The phrase "sent to Coventry" originated during the English Civil War, It is claimed that the phrase grew out of the hostile attitude of residents of the city to either the troops billeted there or the Royalist prisoners held there in St. John's church, for whom being "sent to Coventry" was quite an ordeal.
Peoples hatred for Coventry didn't end there however, as it was HEAVILY bombed during World War 2 (despite Ben Affleck's contribution to the war effort). Coventry was a major industrial center during WW2, so was a prime target for Nazi espionage. Apparently the Nazi spy's were so appalled at Coventry's nightlife and local women, that they decided to implement their own eugenic masterplan ON THE SPOT, by radioing home and asking the Luftwaffe to sort things out.
Yorkshiremen/Up-Northerners
People from Yorkshire are the second most stereotyped people in England, ask someone to imagine an English person and they'll either imagine someone from Somerset or Yorkshire. They open their vowels more than anyone in the whole country, so much so that many sentences can take at least 100 years to say. They also miss out the word 'the', preferring to replace it with a very soft 't' sound (e.g I'm off down 't' pub) They used to have their own dialect but nobody except fags speaks it anymore. They live on Tetley's beer and Yorkshire puddings. Yorkshire has a population of 1 dog, 5000000 sheep and a fag called Bill. Due to water pollution from semen, the only potable source of liquid comes in gravy form.
Londoners/Cockneys
It's representative of how utterly worthless the rest of the UK is that out of a population of approximately 60 million people, 10 million live in one city.
There are three types of people living in England's capital; Londoners, Cockneys and bum-fucking Niggers. Actually, you could break the nigger group down into Pakis, chinks and white niggers, but you wouldn't get on a bus with any of them, so why bother? The half of London with a job always fears that the junglebunnies will eventually swell their dole-sucking numbers to saturation point, but since most of them are too busy stabbing each other and engaging in typical Nigra pastimes, there's no time left to get the hos pregnant.
London was famously pwnt back in 1666 by some retard of a baker setting his house on fire. The Lord Mayor was summoned away from important administrative business to examine the blaze. Seeing the potential for lulz, he remarked "A woman might piss it out" and went back to his faggotry. This was the first time that the population of London realized that building houses out of dry wood and straw might not be the wisest of ideas, but they didn't figure this out until 75% of the city had been destroyed. This left tens of thousands of idiot Cockneys homeless, so they did the only sensible thing available to them; rounded up the frogs and clog-jockeys, then banned them IRL.
Mackem/Sunderland
A poor man's Geordie.
Goole/Goolies
A very poor man's Sunderland, Goole is located in "East Riding of Yorkshire" (up north), and it's residents are referred to (by themselves, with no trace of irony), as "Goolies". Geographically, Goole is located near England's North-East coast, within Britain's "armpit".
According to TOW, "Goole achieved notoriety in 2000 for having the highest proportion of drug-related deaths in Britain - 13 times the national average. Although only 2 per cent of the population of the county lives there, the town is home to 12 per cent of the region's heroin users."
Due to the lack of ANY education system in Goole (or indeed, up North), it is said that the only successful way out of Goole, is to kill yourself with drugs, and hope that the coroner takes your body to a nicer town, 200 miles away.
Nobody outside of Goole has EVAR heard of Goole. This is helped by the fact that Goolies have no internets, electricity, or even gas lamps. A bit liek M.Night.Shamalalalaians "The Village".
Sheffield/Twok City
The chief hobbies in Sheffield are drinking, fighting, drinking, stealing cars, drinking and prostitution. The worst council estate there(The Manor is full of fine young gentlemen and fashioned in a figure of eight, perfect for joyriding. Sheffield used to be an industrial town famous for steel. Now it's famous for its inhabitants that steal. The people are very friendly, especially around a place round the back of west street where a variety of people will strike up a conversation with you in the most friendly manner, even if they have never met you before. Typical talking points will be the solicitation of a womans company, or whether you would care to purchase any rare spices. Sheffield was also the country that came out on top in a public vote on whether marijuana should be legalised, scoring an impressive 73%. I even smoke it round me grans.
