The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
[edit] Introduction to the Field of Experimental and Theoretical Lulz
You think that I Can Has Cheezburger invented lolcats. You've lurked for at least ten minutes and you're pretty sure Milhouse might be a meme. Wouldn't Encyclopedia Dramatica be a great place for an article on that guy from your high school that you really don't like?
Uh oh! It sounds like you aren't very familiar with lulz, but fear not - salvation lies within reach. By studying The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz you, too, can finally understand what this internet thing is all about.
[edit] Origins of Research: The Lollege University Incident:
Last Thursday, a member of an anonymous advocacy group engaged in independent research at Lollege University got word that the much-anticipated IHM9000-CPX Internet Hate Machine would soon be delivered to his hallowed halls of knowledge. Much whooping and hollering was had, as it was believed that the precise properties of the lulz could finally be isolated. Once it was up and running, he began a series of experiments designed to determine the exact nature and properties of Lulz. The results of these early experiments are seen below:
[edit] Early Experiments
- Mudkips --> Hitlerkips
These first three landmark experiments were declared a resounding success. In a short period of time, this intriguing work attracted other great minds to explore this promising new field of research. Leading scientists such as Bill Nye, Gordon Freeman, Dr. House, and many anonymous technicians left their posts and flocked to Lollege University, resulting in one of the greatest thinktanks yet known to man.
Countless experiments were run, the results of which greatly expanded the body of knowledge relating to Lulz. The greatest breakthrough came when lulz were fed into the machine, producing pure Anti-lulz, thereby allowing this element to be studied for the first time.
[edit] Further Experiments
- Penis --> OH DEAR GOD
Unfortunately, the scientific team was unsatisfied with the limits of the Hate Machine. A short ways into the research, they discovered that the energies produced by the Hate Machine, while closely resembling Anti-Lulz, were not quite the same. This, in addition to repressed memories causing the unexplainable desire to insert large things into orifices much too small to hold them, spurred the scientific team to further push the boundaries of Lulz. They surmised that by constructing a second Hate Machine, and then entering it into the first, they could create a machine capable of producing Anti-Lulz, or even Lulz, to be used for further testing.
As lulz creates anti-lulz, and anti-lulz creates lulz, the internet hate machine is effectively a perpetual lultion device.
- Hate Machine --> OH SHI-
The result was pure, epic fail. When the second Internet Hate Machine was inserted into the first a phenomenon known as dividing by zero occurred, which resulted in the largest explosion of Anti-Lulz and Epic Fail ever recorded. Many /b/tards were lost that day. The black hole of Fail and Anti-lulz instantly swallowed most of them, while an unfortunate few suffered even worse fates.
[edit] FAIL Community College
The tragedy at Lollege did not mark the end of this line of research, however. Inspired by the heroic efforts of the (now-legendary) science team, a number of technicians at FAIL Community College surmised that their own engine, "Hugbox," could generate lulz in a similar fashion. The results, displayed below, were as inevitable as they were depressing.
- Porn --> Furry Porn
Whilst the researchers at FAIL created multiple abominations, their results were at least somewhat useful to the broader scientific community. Their independent study resulted in the discovery of the fourth component of the internet; Retard; and the isolation of Unfunny.
As can also be seen above, the experiments ended abruptly when the technicians discovered that their Hugbox could transform ordinary porn into furry porn. Since then, their Hugbox has been used for no other purpose and as a result no more worthwhile research has come from FAIL Community College.
[edit] The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz, Explained
Since these two events, the field of Experimental Lulz has advanced, albeit through theoretical calculations, resulting in the creation of The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz.
[edit] Laws of Lulz
(Not to be confused with the Rules of the Internet)
- There exist four “components” of the internetz; Lulz, Anti-lulz, Haet and Retard.
- Of these four components, there exist different states of being. (Including Fail, Epic Fail, Win, Epic Win, Potential Lulz and Unfunny)
- Lulz cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred to differing states.
- Lulz, once generated, enters a constant state of decay; eventually reverting to its previous “Unfunny” state. Note that this does not counteract rule #3; decaying lulz is merely transformed into potential lulz.
- All that exists contains all four components.
[edit] The Forces of the Internet, and their Varying States
LULZ: The first component to be isolated, it also the least common. Through a phenomenon not currently understood, Lulz is sometimes spontaneously generated. It is diametrically opposed to Anti-Lulz, and has four states of being:
- Win – Transitory, short-lived state of Lulz, exists only when Lulz is first generated from another state of being.
- Epic Win – Theoretical super-dense state of Lulz, it has never been officially recorded by any reputable sources. Many Independent Researchers claim to have produced it; however their results have yet to be substantiated.
- Unfunny – Lulz once fully decayed. Some argue this is actually comprised of Anti-Lulz. Such people are dumb.
- Potential Lulz – Usually marked by a high incidence of Retard. This state of Lulz appears to originate from Fail. The reason for transformation from Fail to Potential Lulz is currently unknown.
ANTI-LULZ: Discovered shortly after Lulz, it is most often produced by Independent Research Teams attempting to generate Lulz. Has only two states of being.
- Fail – though not composed exclusively of Anti-Lulz, it is still considered a state of being for Anti-Lulz. Its second component is Retard.
- Epic Fail – Super-dense, unstable and highly dangerous form of Fail. It is observed to be caustic to other states of being, often incorporating Retard, Haet, and even Lulz unto itself, resulting in more fail. Thankfully, Epic Fail, though extremely prevalent, is often self-contained in places unfrequented by man. Under extreme circumstances Epic Fail has been known to transform into Epic Win. The forces responsible for this are currently under debate.
HAET: The least understood of the components of the internet, it was originally thought to have direct relation Anti-Lulz, as it is most often found around retard, fail, and epic fail. However, recent research has since proven that it is actually an entity unto itself. No known states of being have yet been found. Some argue that Haet, and not Lulz, is the driving force behind the internets. Sufficient evidence suggests that Haet serves as the lattice-work which binds the internets to each other despite the natural repulsion produced by those elements which exist as either fail or win.
RETARD: The last of the components to be isolated. Being a primary component of Fail, as well as many other things, it is by far the most prevalent component of the internet. It is though to be a force of self-attraction, as Retard tends to eventually amass in large quantities where ever it can be found. Has two states of being (Fail and Epic Fail), though these are officially categorized as being states of Anti-Lulz. Through a process not yet fully understood, Retard can spontaneously transform into Potential Lulz.
[edit] Examples of the Differing Components
As previously stated, all entities contain each of the components of the internet. However, some are comprised almost exclusively of a single one. In order to give a better understanding of the four components, the purest embodiments of each have been provided below.
LULZ-MUDKIPZ: Mudkipz are the closest entity in existence to pure Lulz. Many /b/tards are furiously at work studying mudkipz and their unusual ability to escape decay into Unfunny. If this property can be isolated, it may very well halt or even cure the cancer that is killing /b/.
ANTI-LULZ-FBI: The FBI is the embodiment of Anti-lulz. Some, using advanced Lulz/Anti-Lulz String Theory, have postulated that they may contain no Lulz whatsoever.
HAET-ANONYMOUS: This mysterious cabal of steroid-ingesting hackers is made almost exclusively of Haet. Aside from the fact that they designed the Internet Hate Machine, little else is known about them.
RETARD-FURRIES: The purest form of retard, they are marked by their innate ability to produce Potential Lulz from their near unlimited reservoirs of Fail.
[edit] Advanced Lulzology: The Mechanics Of Ruin
Ruin is a subscience of fail which runs on the following laws, with the most prevalent being at the top. If this law has not been fulfilled, the case will resort to the next in the hierarchy, and so forth.
- Furries ruin everything.
- Otaku ruin everything.
- The Internet ruins everything.
- Japan ruins everything.
- America ruins everything.
Note that "Otaku" is here intended to include all sets and subsets of fans, obsessives and people with an irrational philia for any particular thing. If someone writes Angel slashfics, he/she is still an Otaku.
The mechanics of ruin are more complex than they appear at first glance. One may initially imagine simple cases of direct or "Mundane" ruin, for example:
- Porn invented, ruined by furry porn
- Video games invented, ruined by yaoi fanfiction
- Social networking invented, ruined by LiveJournal
- Pop invented, ruined by J-Pop
- J-Horror invented, ruined by Sarah Michelle Gellar
- /b/ invented, ruined by ED
In reality, however, such straightforward cases are now almost extinct. The internet has turned the process into not so much a domino effect as a firework effect via the following process.
- Something in America or Japan becomes popular and makes money.
- Online communities follow, and pornographic fanfictions follow their wake like seagulls behind a fishing trawler.
- Someone in America or Japan buys the rights to localize it, and it becomes cool and imported.
- Furry happens.
There are even cases of recursive or tautological ruin in which the ruin is passed back and forth between the same sources. The most extreme case of this is called a Full-Track Ruin, in which something is ruined at every single level, including the one at which it was conceived. A rare example is Sailor Moon; created in Japan, raped in America, gang-raped by slashficers, furry artists and fangirls and then parodied as The Powerpuff Girls and sold back to the Japanese who took it at face value and created their own version.
In future years it is expected that Full-Track Ruin will become commonplace. Cloverfield, for example, has been ruined at all levels except furry, as nobody has yet dressed up as the monster, covered themselves in live spiders and had sex with someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty while a shouting Nigra dressed as a marine drops firecrackers on their head. It's just a matter of time, though.
LULZologists are working hard on a way to fit "China Ruins Everything" into the equation by the year 2050 next week.
[edit] Alternate (and Consequently Fail) Theories of Lulz
[edit] Alternate Universe Theory
Created by the Certified IT Technicians over at YTMND, it states that there are four alternate universes (YTMND, PTKFGS, YES YES, And THE FOURTH CORNER), each having been created by Sean Connery. This theory is primitive at best, and equivalent to saying that the Earth is flat, that stars are really holes punched through a giant box, or that black people should be given things such as property rights and the ability to vote.
[edit] Discrete Pornographia Expanse Theory
States that while there do exist Lulz, the internet is rapidly approaching a state of total porn, at which point Lulz and all other properties shall cease to exist. This theory may be entirely correct, as there exists a great deal of empirical data to support it.
[edit] The Quantitative Lulz/Anti-lulz Relationship Theory
This theory states that contrary to current beliefs that the Lulz/Anti-lulz relationship is linear, it is in fact cyclical in nature. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT HAS SAVED THE INTERNET FROM DESTRUCTION. See diagram below.
[edit] Pioneers in Lulz Research
[edit] Bill Nye, "Science Guy"
Previously famous for his work dealing with inertia, he was made head of the scientific team at Lollege University since he happened to be an expert on the subject. Responsible for suggesting that a fifth element of lulz may exist.
[edit] Gordon Freeman
Apparently not content with his epic failure at Black Mesa, Gordon Freeman suggested the idea of using an Internet Hate Machine on another Internet Hate Machine. Also responsible for postulating that the fifth element was lupus.
[edit] House MD
Brought the pills and needles. Responsible for beating Freeman to death with his own crowbar.
[edit] Richard Dawkins
Visiting professor of meme study, and currently writing a paper about why Jesus is a douche. Specialist in trolling godfags.
[edit] Recent Developments in the Field of Experimental Lulz
Spurred by the courageous actions of the Lollege University Science Team and all the promising data they gathered, the Illuminati have begun building a gigantic machine from the recovered blueprints of the Internet Hate Machine and the Hugbox. Called the "Lulz-Hate Construct" (or LHC for short), it is expected to be fully armed and operational by mid June. When it finally switches on it will likely reveal to the world all the secrets of the Internets and Space-Time. Either that, or kill us all. Scientists have speculated that there are high chances that the machine will have to divide by zero in order to complete many of its tasks and operations, which could end up destroying the very universe itself. No worries though, Gordon Freeman has been assigned to the job of operating the machine.
[edit] Related Areas of Study
- Time Paradox
- The Rapture
- Apophis
- OH SHI-
- Serious Fucking Business
- Catnarok
- Divide by zero
- Time Cube
- Self aware
| The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz
| Science Theory
Bill Nye • Theoretical physics • God • Existence • Evolution • Global Warming • Memes • Richard Dawkins • Computer Science III • Large Hadron Collider • Apophis • How is babby formed? • The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz Proven by Science JEWS DID WTC • God hates fags • Cubic time • Raelism • Scientology • Trepanation Science in Action Drugs! Sex! Creationism! Fire! Uranium! Lens flare! Diabeetus! Heart!
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