The Cold War
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
Synopsis
The Cold War (по-гусский: Холодная Война) is mostly known for the book, but not many people are aware of the actual historical event that occurred.
Lasting roughly 440 pages, The Cold War is widely considered one of the best Political Thrillers of All time, sparking dozens of spin-offs and poor imitations, such as The War on Terror and the Tom Clancy War. Written and Published by eccentric collectors of old war memorabilia, The Cold War is particularly memorable for the soundtracks (mostly composed by the great Hans Zimmer), movies, toylines, lunchboxes, weapons of mass destruction and collectible cards that it inspired or licensed for production. For a complete list of Cold War spinoffs or licensed tributes, see below.
The Book
Written in 2007 by an eccentric and possibly insidious cabal of Jewish Chinese Opium Dealers, The Cold War tells the epic and gripping story of thwarted romance, tense conflict and gut-aching comedy of the two fictional nations of USA and Russia. Although the story features many other countries and political factions, none of them really count, as they are merely pawns of the two warring fictional nations and their respective leaders. This includes Britain,MySpace and Germany. The story follows the aftermath of equally popular, if inferior, work, World War II, which was merely a cash-in sequel done for the lulz, akin to Godfather 2 and Predator 2. However, like all good trilogies, the Third and final work is widely regarded as the best, a culmination of years of skill in the field, and copious consumption of Opium. Despite this there is talk within the literary community that the Cold War was simply written as a time filler or even a replacement for the third book in the series which fans logically speculated as being World War III; a project that appears to have been greatly delayed or even canceled all together. See "Rumors of a Sequel" below for more info.
Among the colorful characters, are a wide range of fictional and semi-fictional people/mutants/god-like beings that many believe to be political allegories for real-life Pirates, Liberals and Emos.{citation needed} The Main characters include Joseph Stalin, Jim Carrey, Emperor Ed Norton, ROFLMao Zedong, Hillary Duff and a cast of thousands of 16 year old girls.
The Movie
Far inferior to the complex political thriller book, the Movie was a poor adaptation of the gripping and multilayered book, starring Sean Connery, Steven Seagal and Tila Tequila. The movie is loosely based on some notes made by the authors whilst experimenting with LSD(before going back to Opium) and follows the efforts of one man, his submarine and a train with a nuke aboard it to try and end the Cold War once and for all. Particularly memorable is the scene where Steven Seagal karate chops his way at least a 100 times through hordes guards, all of whom are presumably clones of the world's worst marksman, Jango Fett.
Many hounded the three-hour snoozefest, which, according to the Richmond Examiner, "lacked any of the defining Chuck Norris or Riche Coleman moments that made the book and its prequels true classics" [1]. Most of the movie is slow, forgettable and hard to follow with only three highlighting scenes which really put the movie together. The first being the pwnge of Chernobyl; heart wrenching, tear jerking and dick jerking. The second being the fall of the Berlin wall; dramatic, heartwarming, and thought provoking. Finally the third being a series of scenes comprising the Vietnam War; despite being regarded by critics as a rehash of a previous series of scenes known as the Korean war Vietnam is seen as being far more superior to Korea with its moar up front and graphic depictions of death and suffering. Controversially, a thirty-minute DVD released in 2003 contained nothing but hardcore Japanese pornography(seeHentai), and a five-minute rant by movie director Uwe Boll on why he would take "you queer fag camwhore nerds on"[2]. The movie's one saving grace is its memorable soundtrack, composed by noted musician and film score writer, Hans Zimmer.
Rumors of a Sequel
For many years fans have eagerly anticipated its much-promised sequel, WWIII, which was originally meant to be a spin-off of the themes introduced in the Cold War, but looks increasingly to occur as a result of its inferior sequels and tributes. However, the authors have promised not to release this long awaited masterpiece, stating that it will be "done when its done" or, "whenever Duke Nukem Forever comes out, or when Hitler returns to be our Overlord and Master."
