Texas
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Texas, the second largest state in the Union, is most known for country music, a questionable point of view on people, and... wait, there was one other thing... Oh well, probably wasn't important. Texas' inflated self-importance is only rivaled by their small dicks and love for gay sex. Texas wants to be a separate nation, but it's being overtaken by Mexicans, so that goes to tell ya how much they suck dick.
Some argue that Texas is the number one killer of ordinary people, but we all know better than that.
Contents |
How To Troll a Texan
- Call them a Liberal, as all Texans believe that being a liberal is the most contemptible thing on the planet (besides being not Texan).
- Tell them that Alaska is bigger and California has more people, forcing them to accept that they will always be second best.
- Tell them that Texas is a "gay friendly" state. This will enrage most Texans, as they will assume that you are calling them gay.
- Philosophically announce that Dale Earnhardt Jr. did it to himself and maybe deserved it.
- Steal the dangling metal ballsack off of their trailer hitch on their truck, or draw nipples on them. Srsly. They have them.
- Tell them you voted for Obama, and support abortion rights for women.
- Tell them you support any rights for women.
- Ask any random person if you can still get Medicaid if you don't have a social security number.
- Best of all, you can just send them to doom3.zoy.org (you'll be sohhreee..). It's like shooting rednecks in a corral.
- Ask someone where the nearest gay bar is.
- Announce loudly pretty much anywhere that you support medical insurance and equal rights for illegal immigrants.
- Tell them where you're from, people don't eat live castrated male oxen smothered in BBQ sauce.
- Tell them that the movie Brokeback Mountain was created in Texas, and they look a lot like the actors.
- If on the internets, ask a Texan `What is wrong with being gay`?
- Wear a giant foam cowboy hat everywhere. Spit a lot, and speak in grunts only.
- Tell them that their state doesn't produce anything apart from oil and Nascar fans.
- Remind them of how poorly they fought in the Civil War.
- Tell them Bud Light sucks.
- WARNING: If you troll a Texan IRL, make sure you
have a Kevlar vestare behind bullet proofare in an APC, or youcan run really fastcould just tell him that a nigger is at his house, raping his daughter. Despite the fact that you have been infront of him the entire time, he will instantly believe this, as all Texans are rednecks and have a inborn hatred of niggers. - WARNING: All Texans can legally keep their arsenal in their trucks now, thanks to Rick Perry. All Texans own guns, and will not hesitate to shoot the Christ out of people they perceive to be a threat (which is almost everyone, including children and airplanes).
Great Moments in Texas History
February 20, 1685: The French attempt to settle Texas but are overcome by disease, Indian raids, and mutiny and eventually die in vain. The Spanish then came and burned the remains.
March 6, 1836: A few hundred Texans at the Alamo pwn the shit out of 1,500 Messicans. They were, however, defeated when a horde of 4,500 additional Messicans attacked them like hobos on a hamburger. "Remember The Alamo" remains a Texan slogan and is often yelled out during the state's periodic anti-Mexican riots.
May 14, 1856: The Texas Camel Experiment.
February 1, 1893: Lynching of Henry Smith, the first blatantly public lynching of a black man, whether or not he was being punished for raping a four-year-old, with her blood still wet on his underwear.
October 24, 1923: Ku Klux Klan Day at the Texas State Fair, Dallas. Introduced popular "Whack-A-Nigger" midway game to a generation of Americans; jolly ethnic stereotype target game replaced by lame "Whack-a-Mole" substitute in 1954.
April 16, 1947: Worst industrial accident in US history. Cargo ships carrying thousands of tons of ammonium nitrate fertilizer catch fire and explode, killing ~600 and destroying a third of the structures in Texas City. Pyros and terrorists everywhere fap vigorously.
November 22, 1963: During a visit to Dallas, drug-addled President John F. Kennedy is killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, who was clearly acting in self-defense.
June, 1971: Texas gives birth to the first low-cost and lulzy airline, Southwest Airlines. Now Texans can fly across the state, eat free peanuts and hit on flight attendants in tight skirts. Yee-haw!
March, 1982: Ozzy Osbourne pisses on the Alamo while drunk, an act that saw him banned from Texas for 10 years. This had negligible affect on his career, as his music differs from the sister-fucking country tunes that Texans love.
January 21, 1993: George Bush Sr. officially declared that, "Only steers and queers come from Texas." Perhaps not coincidentally, the Bush Family enjoys the music of Ozzy Osbourne (see above).
February 28, - April 19th, 1993: The Waco Siege. US Attorney General Janet Reno stages a raid of EPIC proportions on the Waco Habbo Hotel. Fire and genocide ensues in what becomes the largest government-sponsored BBQ in U.S. history.
September, 1999: A bunch of people in Fort Worth decide that dubbing Dragon Ball Z would be the best thing evar. Thousands died when children reenacted the first few episodes of the series, resulting in epic lulz.
February, 1, 2003: The space shuttle columbia blew up over Palestine resulting in many texans being PWNED by falling debris and lulz.
February 16, 2007: Police in Lubbock arrest an entire group of Chippendale dancers for daring to thrust their hips in the direction of female audience members in Jake's Sports Cafe. Neither hips nor thrusting are permitted in the buckle of the Bible Belt.
March 29, 2008: Texas becomes win for revoking Scientology's status as a religion. Yup.
State Facts
State Abbreviation - TX
State Capital - Austin
Largest City - Houston (moar like SHITstain, amirite?)
Other Cities - "Dallas", San Antonio, College Station, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Fort Worth, Galveston, Laredo, Corpus Christi, Waco.
Area - 268,601 square miles
Population - 24,326,974 plus an unknown quantity of Undocumented Immigrants
Major Industries - oil, livestock, big hair, immigration, real estate, paralyzing fear of the outside world, air travel, big hats, executions.
Origin of the Name Texas - The Caddo Indians of eastern Texas called the incoming settlers the Tejas, meaning "friend," in the hopes that the settlers wouldn't kill them, screw their women and children, and steal their land. Unfortunately, this strategy was not successful.The settlers killed them, screwed their women and children, and stole their land.
State Nickname - "The Lone Star State", "The Fuck You State", "Rapeland"
State Song - "Texas, Our Texas"
State Gestures - "Gig'em Aggies", "Hook 'em Horns", "Spange, man?"
State Mammal - Hillbillicus Tobaccostainicus
State Flying Mammal - The Eastern Fence-jumping Paisa
State Reptile - Tom Delay
State Faggots - Alex-jon, Hal Turner, Ron Paul, Baylor University, Allegro and YOU!
Texas Presidents - Dwight D. Eisenhower and Lyndon B. Johnson were both born in Texas. Although George Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut, he has a long association with Texas, pretending to be Texan on TV and having successfully run several Texas energy companies into bankruptcy before driving the entire fucking country into bankruptcy.
Misc - 90% of women in Texas have been raeped. 99% of men in Texas have raeped.
On A Totally Unrelated Note - 10% of Texas women are unraepworthy.
Residents
- Lovelylina
- Digifant
- Mary Alice Altorfer
- PhailureJohn
- Ein69
- Sleepy Leaf
- Juggity
- Oni-Link
- Ray Jones
- Melissabcool
Links
- Texan-English Dictionary
- Texas State Fair
- learntotexas.livejournal.com, a faggoty LiveJournal where every post is written in "pretty cool guy" format. A lot of the posts are about Texas history, due to the USI of one of the posters thinking she's hot shit because she lived in Texas.
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