Osama bin Laden

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Osama (far right), a couple of brothers, and some Spanish girls, right before the Pink Floyd concert, U.K. 1971.

Osama (circled), a few of his many brothers, and a bunch of cute girls in Sweden, 1971. Osama was 14. Note the pink Chrysler Imperial.

Live long and prosper.

Shaykh Osama bin Laden is a rich Saudi Arabian expatriate, currently residing in Knightsbridge, London. While Israel, the USA, and several other rogue nations push a view of him as the devil incarnate or as a Hitler Junior, the majority of the world's people regard bin Laden as a just and righteous man, an heroic figure. It should also be noted that he is the world's reigning hide-and-seek champion.

Early Days

I'd hit that with a plane.

No lie.

Osama was born in 1957 to a wealthy non-religious family of Yemeni origin. As a boy and young man, he lived the perfect rich kid's jet-set lifestyle, skiing at St. Moritz, bodysurfing at Biarritz, buying lots of rock & roll records (he LOVED Pink Floyd, and used to play Dark Side of the Moon for hours on end), and generally had a really good time. Young Osama even had a little rock band with his brothers, in which he played the bass. Like most other good-looking rich kids of the day, Osama occasionally smoked some pot, took a little acid, and balled a few hot chicks, mostly of the Spanish persuasion.

Osama partied easily through his school years, not really sure what he wanted to do with his life. At 18 he backpacked and hitch-hiked his way around the US for a summer, visited some family friends in Texas, and then decided that he might as well just go into his family's business of big international construction projects. He buckled down for a couple of years and took a degree in Engineering at a big Saudi Arabian university.

Things change

The pause that refreshes.

A good man is hard to find.

Just after Osama's 1979 graduation, however, his father died unexpectedly at the age of 84. This wasn't such a big deal to Osama, for as the youngest of the man's 27 children by three wives, he barely knew the guy. The cool thing was that Osama inherited a shitload of money. Something else, though, was that he began to wonder whether he was really cut out for a career as a construction dude. Yes, he would get to travel a lot, stay in nice hotels, have a ton of girlfriends, throw a lot of big parties, and the cocaine would be flowing freely. The truth was, though, that Osama was tired of all that nonsense; it was boring to him by now. Not only that, but most people in the construction industry are meat-heads. He thought back to his time hitchhiking around the U.S., and felt nostalgic for the freedom he had felt in the great outdoors, camping out under the beautiful moon and stars.

He lined up a couple of big contracts anyway, and was just starting to build a new highway tunnel in East Germany, when Soviet Russia invaded Afghanistan. Osama hardly noticed at first; he was not really into politics, and probably couldn't even have found Afghanistan on the map. Soon, however, Communist East German television was broadcasting news of the glorious and heroic Soviet victories, how they were wiping out lots of filthy, backward Muslim villages, and preparing to upgrade and modernize one of the world's most primitive remaining Mozzie shit-holes.

Afghanistan

Bert is a good man too.

Not feeling too good.

Watching TV alone one night in the bleak East Berlin hotel room, something about this made Osama feel a bit pissed off. For one thing, he noticed that the girls of Afghanistan were exceptionally hawt. The fucking Russians were clumsily blowing shit up everywhere, executing all the men, and raping the Afghan cuties to death. Also, the whole thing just seemed really unfair and rude, and Osama had always hated the dumb Russians anyway. He bailed on the construction job, called up a few college buddies to see if they were up for some adventure, took a bunch of cash out of the bank, and together they made their way to Afghanistan. Before too long Osama was buying huge amounts of weaponry and military hardware and helping to organize an Afghan resistance to the Communist thugs who were ruining everything in sight like Neanderthals on crack.

CIA days

As it was the middle of the Cold War, America's President Reagan was also very freaked out by the Russian invasion. He sent the CIA to check things out and they noticed this tall Arab guy who seemed to have lots of money and good people skills. America wanted to help this Afghan resistance too so they told Osama, and wondered if he would consider helping coordinate the U.S. efforts? Naturally, he was pleased to help. This Russian-fighting was the most fun he'd had in years, or maybe ever. The ragamuffin Afghan resistance was still extremely busted, but now they called themselves the Mujaheddin. With the CIA's financial backing (as part of its "plausible deniability" Iran-Contra scheme), and Osama's natural strategic abilities, they actually began to kick Soviet ass. Osama asked the CIA to deliver a huge number of Stinger missiles for shooting down Soviet warplanes. Indeed, Osama's training as an engineer came in very handy, as he worked with the CIA in building the Khost tunnel complex in the Tora Bora hills.

American media was filled with glowing reports of these brave Mujaheddin and the tall Arab guy who was leading them. It was like a game of Cowboys & Indians with perpetually drunken lobotomized robots as the cowboys, and raggedy-ass, half-crazy but relentless Afghans as the Indians. Finally, the Soviets got tired of having their helicopters shot down every five minutes, and returned to Soviet Russia.

Gulf War

So Osama took it easy for a little while and settled down. He was loving Afghanistan life; he had several incredibly sexy wives; the people loved him; he even got religion! Life had been rough sometimes in the past few years, but it sure beat the boredom of building freeways and bridges. But then in 1991 the U.S.A. shipped half a million soldiers to the Arabian peninsula, home of Islam's sacred Ka'aba shrine, in order to protect faggoty little Kuwait from mean old Saddam.

Suddenly, all these brave soldiers from California to Kentucky were now sight-seeing the holiest places on Earth. Here they built permanent air force and army bases and brought their religion with them: McDonald's, KFC, Starbucks and other American cathedrals were rapidly constructed everywhere. Osama went to visit his cousins in the Saudi royal family to tell them to knock this shit off and kick those morons out but there were other forces at work as well. The first George Bush as the U.S. President used his many interconnected business and personal relationships with the Saudi royal family to smooth the way in order to get whatever it was he wanted.

Naturally, Osama called bullshit on this. He remarked, "You know what? Fuck America; fuck you and the carpet you flew in on." and hit the road for a while.

Public Enemy #1

The New World Order was not amused at this tantrum, and immediately perma-banned Osama 4 lyf. All his old European and American friends were acting like they never met him. It was a real betrayal by his old family friends the Bushes, but he already knew this about their weak and shifting family character. Soon the United States and Israel were blaming Osama for virtually every bad thing that happened anywhere, especially the vicious and murderous things that they themselves were doing. The ever-growing list of his supposed evil deeds grew increasingly laughable. Throughout the '90s, various countries kept trying to shoot rockets at his home, spy on him with flying robots, have sardine pizzas delivered at 3 AM, and other methods of harassment and attempted murder. It was really fucking annoying.

Then came 9/11

Part of the Jewish 9/11 conspiracy planning was to blame Osama and his sinister, shadowy, "Al Qaeda" group of friends, which in truth amounted to a few old pals from the anti-Soviet days, but which was assigned by the U.S.A. to every wog in the world with a BB gun or a manifesto. Osama was quick to say that he had nothing to do with 9/11.

“	I have already said that I am not involved in the 11 September attacks in the United States. As a Muslim, I try my best to avoid telling a lie. I had no knowledge of these attacks, nor do I consider the killing of innocent women, children and other humans as a worthy act. Islam strictly forbids causing harm to innocent women, children and other people. Such a practice is forbidden even in the course of a battle. It is the United States, which is perpetrating every maltreatment on women, children and common people of other faiths, particularly the followers of Islam. - Osama bin Laden, 28 September 2001	„

The U.S.A. started to act all butthurt about "being attacked", declared its "War on Terror," and began to bomb the shit out of Afghanistan, in the hope that one of the bombs would blow up Osama. None of them did. American soldiers ran around in circles, catching various parasitic diseases from the unfamiliar landscape, shooting their fellow soldiers, dropping bombs on Canadian soldiers, bombarding thousands of peasants and their villages into dust, kidnapping 75 year old taxi-cab drivers and goatse farmers and sending them to Gitmo, and generally fucking up everything they touched like a million-man King Midas of FAIL. Meanwhile, Osama and his friends slipped away through the very Khost tunnels that the CIA had paid him to build.

Aftermath

In view of the U.S.A.'s failure to capture Osama, they released a poorly-faked video in 2004 that showed a guy who vaguely resembled him bragging about what a good job the 19 hijackers supposedly did. Proudly released by the Pentagon, and making its debut on Faux News, the video was such an obvious fake that only the Americunt public was deceived by it. Sending propaganda in the other direction, some of Osama's friends started spreading rumors that he had died, or at least was extremely ill. The funniest rumor was that the cops on the Israeli side of the Israel-Jordan border had allowed him into Israel as a passenger in an ordinary car, not realizing who he was, and that he was hiding out somewhere in Israel. In reality, Osama has a beautiful and comfortable home in the Pamir mountain range of the Paki borderlands, with a magnificent view, satellite TV, an indoor swimming pool, and all the other mod-cons of millionaire life. He is practically worshiped by billions of people for his righteous guerrilla history, his tough stand against aggressors, his deep spirituality, and his exotic good looks.

Gallery

	Not so hard to find, actually.	Former US National Security Adviser Brzezinski meets with Osama.	Ronald Reagan <3<3<3 Mujaheddin
Longcat takes a stand against the Jews.	It's REGENERATING!		Only his hairdresser knows for sure.
A nice personality, too.	CIA Director William Casey visits with the Mujahideen.	Ayman al-Zawahiri and Osama.
This is what you lived all your life to see.	What he was hiding underneath his turban.	Praise Allah	No exceptions.

Osama bin Laden is part of a series on Islam	Tro0 Muslims Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Mustafa Al-Habib • Allah • Yassir Arafat • Benazir Bhutto • Mahir Çağrı • Saddam Hussein • Isa • Izzi • Kaliph Jamal • Osama Bin Laden • Carlos Latuff • Mahoud Samed Almahadin • Muhammad • Muntather al-Zaidi • Nicky Reilly • Azad Rouhani • Salih • Sheikh yarbouti • Malcolm X • Nafiza Ziyad
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