Steam
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Steam is a base for 13 year old boys to practice their Pwning skills and mastrubation. Steam is used to purchase shitty games to play on the internet, even if the game has no online options. It is alleged that Valve has created Steam for the sole purpose of raping people's computers, market their half-assed games, and forcibly download software onto your computer that fucks up everything else. Amazingly, people enjoyed this and later, out of pure spite, more companies have hopped aboard the Steam train, with hopes of fame and fortune. But the only thing it really accomplished was making it harder to play pirated version of valve's game online, since there are only a handful of non-steam servers, and most pirated versions are broken.
One of those to sell their soul to Steam is PopCap Games. This company attempts to push ripoffs of old 2D arcade games for 10 bucks each, trying to cover this up by giving them shiny graphics, lame gimmicks, and alternate names.
Today, Steam's games are filled up with prepubescent fucks and overweight adults whose only real comfort in life is landing that leet headshot and using hax.
Someone hijacked your account? No problem! Steam consists of the greatest tech support team in all of gaming industry where there is no number to call. ONLY E-MAIL!! Even if you do e-mail Steam Support, they'll respond... eventually.
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Some of the Shitty Games A to Z
- Age of Conan - That's right, this Norwegian pile of broken content is available on Steam. The only good thing about this game is the fact that you can undress as far as to the tits!
- Anything by PopCap - Why pay $10 for a flash game I can find on the internet?
- Call of Duty - 20 bucks my ass. I can get it for $10 at Best Buy.
- Counter-Strike - A clusterfuck of prepubescent children. Famous for the useless shit people stick on their servers. Also home of Myg0t fags and according to Hilary Clinton causes the most school shootings after Doom.
- Counter-Strike - Condition Zero - An additional clusterfuck of prepubescent children, only with an added taste of french furries having microphone sex, and shouting 'beaum le headshotte' every ten seconds. Strangely has a larger population of prepubescent little girls than average, leading to an increased number of hairy pedophiles found on the servers.
- DEFCON' - 2D Nuclear holocaust has never been so boring.
- Day of Defeat - Call of Duty minus singleplayer. Doesn't use the swastika for the Germans even though its a fucking WWII shooter.
- Day of Defeat: Source - Same as above, but now with BETTER GRAPHICS and moar faggotry, and it now uses TEH ORANGE BAWKS ENGINE OMFG, now everyone will BAWWWWWWWW about how low their FPS (Frames per Second) they're getting from their own shitty at least 100 year old computer. Also in the Beta, shoot rockets at movable props to instantly win.
- Deathmatch Classic - Quake, with Gordon Freeman.
- EVE Online - Space libertarianism, in MMORPG form. It contains a lot of SA Goons trying to ruin as many things as possible... IN SPACE.
- EverQuest - An ancient MMORPG designed by opium addicts and Mexicans. In this game you can be a Battletoad that goes onto the moon to fight steampunk robot dragons and mushroom men.
- EverQuest II - And of course, the sequel is added to the lineup. It's an easier EverQuest with voice acting.
- Garry's Mod - A sandbox mod for HL2. Used to put Half-Life characters in sexual positions as a masturbatory aid.
- Half-Life - You need to kill aliens trying to take over the world. Real fuckin' original, eh?
- Half-Life 2 - You failed to kill everything in the last one so you need to kill the Combine that's taken over the world.
- Half-Life: Source - Just like original Half-Life, but with Source and Ragdoll Physics OMGLOL!!111 But no graphical enhancements, this pisses off graphicfags so that they're making a mod with it.
- Half-Life 2: Episode 1 - You failed again so you need to kill MOAR Combine and aliens, but this time there's a girl with you!
- Half-Life 2: Episode 2 - You failed AGAIN. You blew up shit and now you need to GTFO. Also you have a shitty car that's busted up, so that it looks like a strider got to it before you fucking did.
- Half-Life Deathmatch: Source - You go around killing other people with no other goals, pretty boring huh?
- Half-Life 2: Deathmatch - Same as the first one but you use a GRAVITY GUN to shoot toilets at people.
- Half-Life Blue Shift - You're in the original Half-Life but you're a SECURITY GUARD! WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
- Half-Life Opposing Force - They're not done milking HL1 yet. Now you're a soldier, but you never get to run around killing innocent scientists at will. That's
bullshitawesomeHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS. - Left 4 Dead - You go around seeing mother fucking zombies, you can be either a Vietnam War veteran, some biker dude, a girl, or a manager, make sure you don't shoot the zombies, no the zombies are you friends, just mostly shoot the guy who's a nigger.
- Left 4 Dead 2 - Same as Left 4 Dead only with more Niggers.
- Peggle Extreme - THE. GREATEST. GAME. EVER. Because it's Peggle, with Gordon Freeman, Heavy Weapons Guy, and GlaDOS.
- Portal - You create Vagina shaped holes and jump through them. Seriously, this is all you do. Despite this, it still manages to be the best game created in the last 100 years.
- Ricochet - You jump from platform to platform in a black void throwing Frisbees at people. Despite the Frisbee mechanic, you will most likely just fall to your death. A lot.
- Smashball - A Handball/Unreal Tournament hybrid for fat homosexuals - but not fat fags, they play counter strike - to feel like they can actually play a sport, when all they are really doing is slowly carving an ass shaped groove into their semen encrusted fap chairs
- Team Fortress Classic - Like every other god damn shooter Valve makes but with different looking weapons.
- Team Fortress 2 - Like Team Fortress Classic, but it's better, and has Looney-Tunes graphics. This is the video game equivalent to Brokeback Mountain. Great to grief in.
- Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - A once-shitty MMO that got flipped upside-down.
- X2: The Threat - You fly through space in really slow space ships going from space station to space station making deliveries and getting in 20 minute dogfights with the Kha'ak.
- X3: Reunion - The same as above, but now you can use the mouse in the GUI! Holy shit!
Origins
Some morbidly obese jewfag and his fuckbuddy from M$ made a game company which released a series of mediocre games where some virgin with a beard kills crabs. One of their ideas to make more money was to sell OEM versions of their games, resulting in Steam.
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God damn, Gabe Newell is a fat fuck. Just listen to him; it's like he's eating fucking porridge.
Folknation, the internet tough guy
Once upoun a time, there was an internet tough guy. He owns a tec 9, and shoots a pizza boys on sight. He loves male attention, now go to his house and give him the attention his lover hasn't given him in a long time.
Phone number: (772)2265849
Home address: 1675 2ND CT SW VERO BEACH FLORIDA
Fuck-Ups
If you're experiencing massive lag and problems with Steam please do the following:
1) Get a job.
2) Buy a better computer.
3) Subscribe to a > 56 kbs internets service provider.
4) Unplug your microphone (this is for our benefit not yours.)
5) Fuck yourself with aforementioned microphone.
6) Uninstall Steam and move out of your parent's house.
7) ????
8) PROFIT!!!
-additionally stop fapping while you play and cancel that pr0n download in the background - it lags the game
Steam Achievements
If you are too lazy to earn the shitty achievements then you can use this tool
Steam Cloud
Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you faggot.
 Steam Cloud. |
 Steam Cl... GOATSE! |
See Also
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| Steam is part of a series on |
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| Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
