St. Vloky

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

St. Vloky is the scarcely-acknowledged patron saint of herpes. St. Vloky was raised in the Church, or at least received some sacred indoctrination when taken to church as a child by holy relatives. Satan, cleverly disguised as concerned friends, convinced St. Vloky that the teachings of the Church were fanciful and that God quite possibly did not exist. Thus tempted away from the Church, St. Vloky fell into the company of depraved theater attenders, evil music lovers, irreligious scholars and recreational drug users.

One day, St. Vloky was attending a depraved theater when an angel touched St. Vloky's sin-smeared countenance (or thereabouts), causing St. Vloky to exclaim loudly from the midst of the audience: "when you believe in God you get herpes!"

The crowd of people attending theater that day were both astonished and relieved to hear this revelatory and holy explanation for their afflictions. Quickly, they rushed to their spouses and priests to share this wondrous message. Sadly, some spouses of herpes-afflicted believers initially fell into the sin of doubt. Miraculously, the priests were able to encourage them and correct them in their faith by revealing that the celibate priests themselves had received herpes solely through belief.

Since that time, St. Vloky has many times miraculously and gloriously afflicted good, honest, church-going folk with otherwise inexplicable herpes. By living pious, faithful lives of righteousness and chastity, they have been blessed with this physical evidence, also known as the Stigmata of St. Vloky.

Blessed be St. Vloky.

Amen.