Spending too long on the internet
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The internet is a dangerous place. For all intents and purposes, that hot, underage blonde you agreed to meet in a dark ally may in fact be an ugly eighty year old man with rape on his mind. Not to mention the the fact that ninety percent of links lead to Goatse. One must be wary, because after prolonged exposure to internets, one may end up joining the endless hoards of other sick fucks floating around the wide, wild internets. And we can't have that, now can we.
[edit] Spotting afflicted individuals
It's relatively easy to single out those who spend too much time on the internet. here are some simple pointers that can help any normal, sane person identify and study this interesting phenomenon.
- 1. Subject has bone white skin, and cannot tolerate sunlight, much like an albino.
- 2. Subject is beyond obese, having transmuted into a creature of pure, weapons grade lard.
- 3. Subject has little to no tact when dealing with attraction to the opposite or (far more likely, as the internet is a huge sausage fest) the same sex.
- 4. Subject's e-penis is bigger than it's real penis. (Although this is a given, it needed to be said.)
- 5. Subject has fapped to something, or everything on fchan.
- 6. Subject is Korean.
- 7. Subject engages in the sexual activities related to their disgusting fetish in public, as though they have no shame, or that somehow normal society approves of someone fucking a dog in the ass on the street corner, while wearing a badly constructed fox suit.
- 8. Subject refuses to consume anything but Pocky and Red Bull.
- 9. You have porn of it. (it is Steam Locomotives)
- 10. Subject has the distinct scent of bedsores about it.
- 11. Subject knows how to initialize it's dialup modem using the Hayes command set (reserved for those in the final, usually fatal stages of internet use)
- 12. Subject knows what the Hayes command set even is.
- 14. Subject has taken a picture of your cat and captioned it.
- 15. Subject has raped your cat and captioned it.
- 16. Subject thinks it really is a giant flying anthropomorphic taco.
- 17. Subject is internet poor
- 18. Subject takes pride in it's "alternative lifestyle", and lashes out at anyone who calls them on their appliance fetish.
- 19. You made this list.
As one would naturally assume, you are spending too much time on the internet. Become an hero and thin the herd a smidge, would you?
