Soccer

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Football (know as soccer in the Land of fat people) is the greatest sport even invented. It is also the most popular sport in the world. There are several different terms used to describe soccer, all with their own nuances. The preferred Netspeak term for "soccer" is usually a variant on "faggotry" and to many this is also the preferred term IRL. The word is usually reserved for derogatory use because, well, it's not like there's any other way to refer to soccer.

Is there crying in Soccer?

Yes, there is.

I didn't win the tournament, daddy!

The world cup only comes every four years, and even players with long careers may only play in two or three world cups. But that doesn't mean they should fucking cry about it every time they lose. Cristiano Ronaldo is a famous young millionaire from Portugal. He gets more ass than a toilet seat. And yet he's crying like a little bitch. This is, in many ways, because he keeps getting pwnd in the ass by his teammates. He plays well in the hope they will finally get him out of the club. Instead, the only club he gets is up his ass every Friday night.

Let me rub it down for you.

Victoria Beckham and the entire Argentinian team also became infamous for crying during the 2006 World Cup. That's right. Beckham's wife had to do his crying for him. He had failed to bring home a few other young studs for a gay orgy.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!

‎

Zidane was crying on the inside when Materazzi called his sister a whore that got it in the ass last night from the whole Italian side. FIFA decided in favor of the Italian, since he who speaks the truth deserves no punishment.

A little spank on the ass by their coaches and teammates usually cheers the "players" right up, though nothing could ever take away from the massive ignominy of having cried in front of a billion people because you couldn't get your cock-ball inside the ass-goal.

How do I know for sure that I even LIKE Soccer?

Snrestitcs hvae dnoe rraseceh taht has funod decfirefens in the binras of hmoeoasuxl and shriagtt plopee. The sudty sowhs taht aoynne who is albe to raed txet wtrtein lkie tihs msut be hxusaoeoml. drisreagd taht, i scuk cckos!

Epithets with explanations

Goalkeeper — one who is nonconsensually fellated.
Defender — A player who tries to prevent sodomisation of his team mates.
Midfielder — Any player who is fucked in the mouth and ass simultaneously.
Striker — someone who sneaks up and then fucks you in the ass.
Bend (it like Beckham) — British slang, where "bent" means gay (because it's literally "not straight").
Dutchie — it is a proven fact that the entirety of the Netherlands plays way too much soccer.
French — the entire male population of France is soccer mad, which is why studs are imported from Algeria. Unfortunately, most Algerians are Muslim, a religion that bans consensual sex with women except in Paradise.
German — it is a know fact that Germans are playing the most shittiest soccer of all, but still almost always win due unknown reasons
Goal — possibly rhyming slang derived from the idiom smoke a pole, meaning "to fellate".
Score — this refers to penetration of the anal sphincter.
Foul — Any act of heterosexuality during a match.
Yellow Card — Too many penises in the mouth.
Red Card — Liking women.
Pitch — The field of "play." Alternately, an anal DP.

Popular Soccer leagues

Brazilian League
Italian League
Emo League UPDATE: No longer exists, killed themselves after realizing that they can only have have gay orgies in the lockers.
French League
b/tards League
Anyone but the USA is good at soccer; if you are American, you suck at soccer, anyone from any other country pwns at soccer. Live with it.

Soccer practice

In order to master the game of soccer, one must practice. See the following for instruction:

In this video, as in all soccer contests, balls are touching.

This is how soccer should be played by all players.

Soccer lulz

Despite its inane faggotry, soccer can occasionally provide lulz.

Arsenal's Robin Van Persie shows us how soccer should be played.

Maximum pwnage by Zidane

Can-Fu! Video

Typical crazed soccer hooligan really trying his best.

Soccer players are sick fucks, thats why they like porn on the pitch.

A typical soccer player

vidya gaemz

Due to the significant correlation between ~~football~~ soccer fans and gamers (as both have no social lives, girlfriends or personal hygiene), many video game developers have made amazing video games based on soccer. The Football Manager series is of particular note:

German winning at Football Manager. It's actually Unreal Tournament, but this deliberate mistranslation is more funny.

Console owners have a wide variety of games to choose from, varying from FIFA ## to Pro Evolution Soccer ##. The people behind the games display unfathomable generosity by endeavoring every year to release a new version of the games every season incorporating important roster updates. They also feature the opportunity to relive soccer's greatest matches, such as ~~Afghanistan's~~ ~~Iraq's~~ Israel's 2998-19 victory over the United States.

These games have spawned tournaments where gamers meet to try and win the tournament. There are no concrete rules, but similar to other tournament games, there are some unwritten laws governing tournaments:

Italy only
No cards
No injuries
Final Destination

Notable Players

God Maradona - The faggest player the world has ever seen, even though 13-year old butthurt, HATERS crybaby brits hate him because he's a "HURRFF A CHEATAR!!!111" and an ex-drug consumer, which is totally cool with me, dude.
King Pelè - First winner of 3 World Cups and famous teen fucker.
Cristiano Ronaldo [1] - Supposedly the best player in the world, even if he is too retarded to score a penalty.
Didier Drogba - Ex-Olympic diving champion turned footballer, he has put his skills to use on the pitch.
David Beckham - Jumped the shark at least 100 years ago and moved to Los Angeles with his wife and kids.
Frank Lampard - Spends most of his time eating pies and crying about his dead mother.
Robert Enke - German goalkeeper who accidently killed himself because he couldnt stand his own looks.
John Terry - Was seriously butthurt after missing a penalty[like every good britfags does] and losing the Champions League last Thursday and started boohooing about it to Avram Grant.
Wayne Rooney - Scouser who steals and fucks grannies. Currently earning over 9000 a minute.
Michael Owen - Good player who spends most of his time injured.
Ronaldinho - The man looks like a donkey. Srsly.
Oliver Kahn - German Goalkeeper, know for smelling like a monkey, looking like a monkey and behaving like a monkey, but with a lust for blood and flesh instead for bananas and watermelonz like regular soccerplayers/monkeys.
Ashley Cole - Left many Arsenal fans butthurt for moving to rivals Chelski, resulting in much lulz
Franck Ribery - French player whose ugliness makes Rosie O'Donnell cringe.
Harry Redknapp - Not actually a player, but a manager who is a twitching cunt, and who continually lies to the clubs fans about commitment, leaving them butthurt.
Paul Robinson - Too stupid to hit the ball, the video speaks for itself.
Elizabeth Lambert - Female soccer player for New Mexico who became a YouTube star after pulling her opponent down by the hair. She has been suspended indefinitely.
Thierry Henry - OMG He handled the ball at least 100 times! CHEATAR!!!!eleventyone1 REPLAY! Does shaving commericals with Derek Jeter

FootballSoccer on teh internets

~~Football~~Soccer on the internets generally consists of 13-year old boys arguing for their selected team in a type of faggotry called 'banter'. This usually consists of: