Satanist

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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“	Yes, a lot of satanists come from a christian background and they have to learn how to make their way in a christianzed society.	„
—Well that explains it.

This pretty much sums it up.

For as long as there have been Christians, there have been those who kinda went the completely opposite direction, and worshiped Satan, as opposed to God, because someone always has to root for the losing team. These "rebels" have come to be known as Satanists. Just like Christians, they're overly defensive about their beliefs, and will bitch about you on their LiveJournals, should you ever cross them.

The Origins of Satanism

Yet another "holy" book that noone will read ever

Mr. Lucifer

Moar info: Satan.

In the beginning, God and Satan were BFFs - until Satan eventually grew to old to stay in heaven and refused to get a job smiting the non-believers and other acts of Holy love.

Unlike most of the 40-something basement dwellers who sponge off their parents, God eventually kicked Satan's red, throbbing ass out of heaven after catching him sucking the cock of a catholic priest. The priest wasn't too disappointed with the results.

Since then, like all butthurt rejects, Satan has been trying to get back at heaven like a teenage DA Tartlet - whining and complaining about the injustice he suffered. Also like anyone who has an article on ED, he gathers his fans via the internet.

In an attempt to prove they are real free-thinkers while still relying on the righteous justice known as religion, people have dismissed Satan's story as being a damned lie and replaced it with their own, stating that Satan was, in fact, a great mind who was cast out of heaven for daring to question God, thus making him a martyr among the sheep known as the Lord's angels.

Whichever version is true, Satan is a known faggot. South Park proved it.

About Satanism

Satanism is the following of the original emo, Satan. It can be broken down into two major branches:

Theistic Satanism

Theistic Satanism is the actual religious belief in Satan as a deity. This is the type of shit you already knew about, where the followers often get together to praise Satan, dress in costumes and drink Satan's cockjuice or something. They believe that if they kiss enough ass, they'll actually have a happy and un-tormenting eternal life in Hell, but the truth is, even if Hell existed, Satan would still rape the fuck out of them forever, since it's just how he rolls.

Due to the introduction of the interbutts to the world, Satanists were given a means of chatting with others over things like where to find big plastic horns, yiffing, and how rectal piercings bring you closer to the Devil.

Some Theistic Satanists claim they actually worship the Original Gods such as those worshiped by Ancient Egyptians, and have nothing to do with the Christfag concept of Satan. When you ask them why they call themselves "Satanists", they either stare blankly or think of some "Satan means adversary in Hebrew, and we're adversaries to false religions of Christfaggotry, Judaism and Islam" bullshit. Some of them actually claim to be "Original Pagans", and claim to be against the Neo-Pagan faggotry. Being against Neo-Pagans and against Jews gives them a small amount of win.

LaVeyan Satanism

LaVeyan Satanism is less of a belief in a religion, and more an excuse to be a total self-righteous asshole to everyone irl. They use Satan more as a symbol, and as a way of setting ideals. LaVeyan Satanists can be considered Atheists who see life as a measure of how happy you can make yourself and who one day hope to become IRL Demon Lords. LaVeyan Satanists are inclined to indulge rather than set limits. Because of this mentality, most of them are fat, VD-infested drunks who don't ever know wtf they're doing. It was started by Anton LaVey, a former circus carnie.

Satanic Verses

It's long been suspected that Satanism is connect to videogames.

Satanism: bringing more lulz than Christianity?

“	When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him	„
—11th rule of Satanism

“	well put it this way, I may not be a satanist, or pretend to comprehend Satanism, but, it makes more sense than christianity and cuts out all the BS of it!11!!	„
—Random fucktard

“	My magical practice is mostly limited to meditations and sigils, and other practices that encourage me to focus on, clarify and realize my desires.	„
—Gandalf the Gray, prolly

“	The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.	„
—Nancy Cartwright

“	No, but that's a terrifical idea!	„
—George W. Bush

Pentagonal Revisionism

Pentagonal revisionism is a meaningless term (if it's anything like Holocaust revisionism, it can be assumed Satanists deny the existence of pentagons) applied to a five-point plan concocted by Anton LaVey in 1988, after snorting almost 99 kilos of cocaine off of Aleister Crowley's old writing desk. It is intended, like the rest of Satanism, to sound elite but, like the rest of Satanism, comes out sounding batshit insane. To wit:

Stratification - In which LaVey advocates the removal of all safety labels in the hopes that those dumb enough to siphon gas station pumps by mouth or microwave a stapler get what they deserve and, presumably, clean up the gene pool. Also includes handing out plastic bags and loaded handguns to all small children and letting nature take care of the weak.
Strict taxation of all churches - This point makes Satanism the undying enemy of Xenu and Rael.
No tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues - In which LaVey complains about "In God We Trust" being written on money and advocates for Charles Manson's immediate release. Srsly.
Development and production of artificial human companions - In which LaVey reveals his love of animu by advocating the use of IRL money to fund the creation of sex slaves with dolljoints and nanomachines. Also indulges God complex usually reserved for genetic engineers and Yagami Light.
The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of their choice, with mandatory adherence to the aesthetic and behavioral standards of same - Apparently Satanism's idea of individuality is the establishment of several million self-contained VR dictatorships. Imagine Nazis on the holodeck, and you get the idea.

The Followers

Satan's reaction to typical Satanists

The most common place to find yourself a Satanist, like everything else, is on the internets. There, they spend most of their lives talking to their Goth buddies about how much they hate the rest of the world, and how they're constantly ridiculed for having uncommon beliefs and ideals. However, most of the time, it has absolutely nothing to do with their religion, and more to do with the fact that they look and behave like complete fucktards. They are generally just jaded gawffick kids that want to rebel against their parents. Another popular spot to see them is in cafes, where they will undoubtedly be writing shitty poems and drinking enough coffee to rot their cocks from the inside out.

Pissed-Off Ex-Christians

Undoubtedly brought up as a Fundamentalist who were brought with strict rules about sex and are now making up for lost time. All they need now is someone willing to fuck them.

These are the most likely candidates for Theistic Satanism because although claiming they have lost their faith, they are still thinking they can get back at God using the religious hardcore routine.

Atheists

All atheists worship Satan. Some do it simply to anger Christians even further by following God's arch-enemy. Most worship Richard Dawkins.

Appearance

Yes, they all look like this.

Satanists usually buy all of their clothing at their local Hot Topic. Many have fake piercings to match, and make themselves seem tuff. They may or may not wear makeup, boys and girls alike, but if they do, they'll fucking cake it on, making it seem like they're suffering from AIDS or cancer. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, this is not the case.

The OL Laws of Satanism

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Wear all black, all the time!
Dye your hair black.
Paint your fingernails black, and don't repaint them until it has all worn off.
Stand up for originality and individualism, but look like every other Satanist.
Complain when others make fun of your outrageous looking clothes.
Cast curses on the bullies at school.
If your parents let you, paint your room black.
Make a Satanic altar using your dresser.
Use white out to draw inverted pentagrams on your backpack straps.
Draw more pentagrams on your spiral notebook in math class.
Make inverted crosses out of random objects.
Cover your car's bumper with Satanic bumper stickers. Act surprised when they get ripped off.
Own all of Crowley's books and read exactly none of them.
Quote Nietzsche obsessively without the faintest idea of what you are talking about.
Read the Satanic Bible.
Re-read The Satanic Bible, this time make sure to get past the second page.
Give up and read Harry Potter books instead.
Listen to heavy metal.
Make the sign of the horns and bang your head while listening to heavy metal.
Make the sign of the horns while looking in the mirror to remind yourself of just how evil you are.
Use Latin as much as possible. It is the Dark Lord's chosen language.
Whenever greeting other Satanists, the only acceptable greeting is Ave.
When feeling especially Satanic say Ave Satanas.
Pretend Ave Satanas is appropriate Latin.
Come up with evil sounding screen names for message boards, like goatlord, infernalbelia, or crucifer.
If you can't come up with an evil enough sounding screen name placing Lord in front of your own name is acceptable.
End all screen names with 666.
Complain about real world actions with Satanism but spend all day on message boards.
Make long boring posts that don't go anywhere.
When you have a strange dream, it must be significant, write about it in your LJ and spam everyone you can think of.
Stir up trouble in Christian chat rooms.
Send 200 bucks to the Church of Satan for one of their super exclusive business cards of acceptance, then pretend you don't need acceptance.
Pretend online curses are intimidating.
Form an online Satanic org with you and your friends and declare yourself the high priest.
Give your org a hellish sounding name like The Temple of Unholy Sacrilege, The Evil Church of Satanic Divinity, or, if the name you want is taken, The FIRST Evil Church of Satanic Divinity.
Give yourself a long, evil sounding title like the grand high exalted daemon magister templi rex of the third degree
Never update your org's site - no exceptions!
Celebrate all Satanic holidays even if you don't know what they are for.
Get excited every time your sales receipt comes out to $6.66.
End all emails with Shemhamphorash.
If asked what Shemhamphorash means, stare blankly.
Spell Satan as S8N.
Always spell vampire with a "Y".
Own a pet snake.
If you are allergic to snakes then a black cat is fine too.
Name your pets after characters from the Inferno.
Play role-playing games obsessively.
Start yet another Satanic group in Canada.
Makes plans to build an actual Satanic church.
When that does not work out make plans to open an occult book/coffee shop. Or a Starbucks, same thing.
Render the text of your favorite RPG into Enochian.
You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been jerking off in a cemetery while worshiping Satan somewhere?! For shame!!!

Copypasta'd and raeped from here

Due to the introduction of the interbutts to the world, LaVeyan Satanists were given a means of chatting with each other over things like which fast-food joint is best, how to date-rape your cousin, and why Nietzsche and Marilyn Manson are the only people they can relate to.

Trolling Satanists

Listen to Jars of Clay
If your targets are non-LaVeyan Satanists, tell them the Church of Satan is the only valid Satanic institution. Use high-handed rhetoric peppered with sympathetic references to eugenics. Talk down to them as hard as you can.
If you're trolling LaVeyans, claim their Church is a personality cult. Call their high-ranking members (Peggy Nadramia, Blanche Barton, Peter Gilmore) sycophants of LaVey. Insist they only hold their positions through nepotism.
Declare all forms of Satanism misguided and corrupt, but one. Pimp the one you choose mercilessly.
Try to broker "peace" between the Church of Satan and Temple of Set. Claim you're doing it for the good of Satanism as a whole.
Tell them Anton LaVey cribbed his whole philosophy from Ayn Rand and Aleister Crowley. They will get butthurt even though this is true.
Condemn animal sacrifice roundly and widely. This is lulzy not because they actually practice animal sacrifice (even though they do), but because they love hearing about it so much.
Tell them you have much in common with Satanic philosophy, but you don't see why they don't use a less inflammatory term like humanist, or atheist, or Objectivist. Remind them that "Satanism" is not very appealing to the masses, giving their movement less popular purchase.
Ask them why there is so much Nazi imagery in Satanism. Tell them you might have considered joining if not for that.
Ask them how the artificial human companion and total-immersion environment technology is coming.
Ask them if they ever got the Black House back.
Correct their Latin.
Ask obvious questions, and when you're inevitably told "Read the book!" by some dicksmoker who thinks he's elite because he paid $200 to a cult, respond "What book?"
A certain wannabe-Original-Pagan Cult Joy of Satan is created and lead by a Nazi bitch (High Priestess Maxine Diatrich). You can troll them by pointing out her Nazi faggotry.

When the homo of a Christfag hits the emo of a Satanist, the two polar levels of suck can sometimes cancel each other out leaving something almost good. Almost.

Famous Satanists

your mom
L. Ron Hubbard
Tom Cruise
Anton LaVey
Katie Holmes
David Miscavige
Kool-Aide Man
Henry Kissinger
Marilyn Manson
Jonas Brothers
Sarah Palin
Sammy Davis Jr
Carlos Mencia
Aleister Crowley
Ayn Rand
Josef Ratzinger
Princess Peach
Gengar
Liberals
Neo-cons
Goatse
That gross smelly emo kid in your computer and english class who thinks he's "deep"

Gallery

He just wants a hug. ;(	white kids pretending to be black kids pretending to be Satanic.	hi we're cool cuz we're original and stuffs.	Hi kids!
I'MMA CHARGING MY ETERNAL DAMNATION	Not all Satanists take themselves too seriously.	Not surprisingly - he's in league with the furries.	Yet again we find the Jews.
Satanist making a sacrifice to Satan.