Satan Claus

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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“	You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: Satan Claus is gunning you down. He's making a list, and checking it twice; Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. Satan Claus will burn your house down.	„
—Traditional Americunt Xmas song

Temperatures were in the 30ºs.

Winnar of the 2008 Golden iPod

Authorities remove unopened Xmas gifts from the house.

What Mr. Pardo resembled before the shooting.

Doom 4: The Gates of Christmas

An hero to us all.

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I like 'em crispy.

Twas the night before Christmas 2008, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that Santa soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of ~~sugar-plums~~ hollow point bullets danced in their heads.

Santa Tony Stark Claus, howevar, had different ideas. Claus, aka Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, was a merry old man who gave Americunts something they had been missing all year; an massacre. Unlike past years, when America celebrated in style, 2008 had been relatively corpse free (except for bankers and real estate agents who jumped from windows after W accidentally the whole economy). Mr. Claus -a devout Christfag- usually volunteered to serve as an usher at his helLA church's Midnight Mass during the festering season, but this year, he volunteered to shoot an 8-year-old- girl in the face.

It was family tradition that every year a neighbor would dress like Santa Claus, knock on the front door and disperse presents. Clad in his traditional red and white raidfag suit, he then went on to spread tidings of comfort and joy to the packed Christmas party at his mother-in-law's house like some kind of deranged MacGyver, opting out of the usual commercialism of Christmas shopping in favor of making his own gifts; like the home-made flamethrower covered in glittery wrapping paper he brought along .

Naughty or Nice?

“	It's just not something we see here at any time of the year -- especially during Christmas.	„
—Covina police Lieutenant Pat Buchanan

Santa (sɑːt ʊˈn) opened fire as he entered the house, first shooting an 8-year-old girl who answered the door in the face with one of his five semi-automatic pistols. He then managed to pwn ~~eight~~ ~~nine~~ over nine thousand people and wound several more, including his 16-year-old fat and sassy stepdaughter (who he shot in the back), his in-laws and most of their family before burning the house down with Napalm on a chilly Christmas Eve in Southern California.

“	There's some information that he stood over them and shot them execution-style.	„
—Covina PD

However, the Xmas Eve merrymaking came to an abrupt end when Santa burned both of his arms to a crisp during his indoor firework display. He actually managed to melt and fuse the Santa costume to his flesh. At this point, he abandoned Plan A - which was taking the first sleigh out of town to the North Pole with $17,000 he'd made by manwhoring that he would've duct taped to his ample waistline - and went to Plan B - driving 40 miles with 3rd degree burns to his brother's house, breaking in, and becoming an hero by a single shot to the head. At least he didn't miss.

The Motives

The former aerospace engineer had no criminal record and nothing in his personal history to suggest a predisposition to pwnage. Unless you count the retarded kid nobody knew about, that he'd abandoned as a boy, but was still claiming as a dependent on his income taxes, that is. It appears that this amiable, upstanding Christian pillar of the community had deserted his former g/f with their son, who'd sustained debilitating brain damage as a toddler when he fell in the pool whilst dad was watching football on TV instead of watching him bob for apples. Oh, and when his wife found this out, that's why she divorced him.

They finalized their divorce on December 18th and she got $10,000, her wedding ring, and -most devastating- getting Pardo's beloved dog curtains. Mr. Pardo had also been unemployed since July when he was fired without severance and was ineligible for unemployment benefits. Pardo also complained in a court declaration that Sylvia Pardo was living with her parents, not paying rent, and had spent lavishly on a luxury car, gambling trips to Las Vegas, meals at fine restaurants, massages and golf lessons.

When asked to comment, eHarmony issued a statement: "Shit happens."

“	He was just the nicest guy. He always had a smile. It's a shock. A shock for anybody who knew him at the church.	„
—Jan Detanna, fellow usher at the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church

The Aftermath

“	How dare he shoot jailbait and loli without rape, its just not done.	„
—/b/tard

There were 25 guests at the party and nine had been unaccounted for immediately after the shooting. The Los Angeles County coroner's office said that some of the bodies were so badly charred from dying in the fire, that dental records would have to be used to dox them. Along with his nine confirmed kills, Santa left a bunch of orphans in his wake after pwning most of his wife's family during his rounds.

“	The entire family was wiped out. There's basically, like, 16 orphans.	„
—Wife's lawyer

Last Thursday, a rented car parked outside the property was discovered to be loaded with 300 rounds of ammunition and a pipe bomb that had been nigrigged to take out first responders. The car was blown to hell after bomb disposal experts moved in and discovered the trip-wires.

“	I heard he had two guns. We need the stats on the guns, ammo and kill ratio to consider Santa Pardo for legendary pwnage status.	„
—/b/

But ol' Satan Nick's story reached beyond just the internets. The Jews running Hollywood were apparently so moved by this tragedy, that they dedicated a film in memory of Mr. Pardo.

MOAR

The incident as told by Weird Al

Gallery

Amiga already predicted this in the early 90s	HO HO HO, You're coming with me.	They sure didn't.	Sound advice, as always.
The ultimate party crasher.	HO HO BBQ	Maybe he was an Aspie	Santa's bible.
The flamethrower used by Satan Claus DELICIOUS SAUCE