Metroid
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Metroid is a series of video games developed by Nintendo. In this game series, you get to be totally fucking lost in a really creepy dungeon in outer space. Gameplay involves backtracking through surreal levels, followed by more backtracking, and even more, all the while fighting off bizarre monsters that apparently have nothing better to do than crawl/fly around in the same preordained pattern for eternity. You also start to see a very annoying pattern in which you start the game off in what seems like it could be a suit of total win, but one slight bump on the head causes you to lose every--fucking--ability. Thankfully, this is mostly present in the Prime series, which even fewer people play than the other ones. You must then spend 50 painful hours recovering said abilities, so that you can use 3 of them on the final boss. Interestingly, the first game in the series, Metroid, single-handedly emasculated an entire generation of gamers by showing them at the end of the game that the cool space bounty hunter guy they were playing as was actually a fucking sexy woman.
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The Games
Metroid
Metroid was the first game in the series. It was released in the 1980s, which meant it didn't have a battery save function, so you had to write down a password consisting of at least a hundred characters. Because the game didn't include a map and was altogether relatively non-linear, basement-dwellers across the world thought the game was OMG LIEK SO INNOVATIVE!!!111oneoneone and everybody loved it. Basically in this game, you play as Samus Aran and you start out with the power beam that has a range of about negative six feet or something. You must then transverse the oh-so-creepy landscape in search of watered-down upgrades, so you can kill some midget dragon , a fat-ass lard-lizard, and a big brain floating in a tank that has a hard-on for anything (and I mean anything). That’s it. That’s the whole game. You risk your life while simultaneously disrupting the ecosystem on Zebes to kill some brain that nobody else in the galaxy gives a shit about. It also has the shittiest ending ever by revealing you're a female, even though in the manual, it said you were a man. Apparently Samus was a shemale at the time, and had a sex change shortly after the game ended. (Fun fact: Japanese pronouns are gender-neutral, meaning the guys who wrote the manual actually didn't fuck up the translation.)
That, and the graphics capabilities of the 8-bit Nintendo could make any chick look like Janet Reno.
Metroid 2: Return of Samus
Nobody played this game because it was exclusively for the Game Boy, which meant it sucked. Therefore, it is unknown what happens in this game, even to the developers.
The game is, however, good for a few things. If you ever want to lose your interest in the Metroid series, just play this game, and you’ll vow to yourself never to play another Metroid game ever again. The game cartridge itself is good for anal/vaginal insertion, too. That’s about it; otherwise, this game fails.
Nintendorks were later able to put together a story through various forms of fan-fiction. It's about killing off all the Metroids according to the N-dorkoffs. But during the trip Samus gets very lonely on the planet, and decides to leave one Metroid alive as her sex-slave.
Super Metroid
Supposedly the third in the franchise, Super Metroid scared the shit out of people who played it. Some argue that this is the best game in the series. Samus's Metroid sex-slave bitch apparently escaped thanks to Ridley (who somehow got cloned and made HUEG) and after that nothing is known because it scared people so badly. Strange, because the pinnacle of "freaky" in that game is going through the wrecked ship area with the spooky ghosts and shit. HAHA DISREGARD THAT, I WAS TOO BUSY SUCKING COCKS TO REACH LOWER NORFAIR. Then before reaching Tourian to fight mother brain the Metroid you tried to rescue has grown large enough to suck you off literally and you can't escape, then does so later in a sacrifice to help you esccpe. I suppose when all there was to compare it to back then was Kirby and Sonic, Super Metroid would in fact make people shit their pants.
Metroid Fusion
Metroid Fusion was the only Metroid game released for the Game Boy Advance, thank God. (This is not including Metroid: Zero Mission, which was little more than a remake of the original Metroid. Wait, Nintendo repackaged old material with slightly updated graphics for the sole sake of capitalizing financially on a relatively popular franchise? Who could have seen that coming?) Also contained an unlockable gallery of Samus for fapping. The enemies in this game are called X parasites that mimic the host they infect which are exactly what Chris Jericho had in mind that you all are, gelatinous parasites and delinquents. You essentially didn’t have to think in Fusion, because there was this gay robot that told you exactly where to go and shit. Mix that with the fact that you had near-constant access to a very detailed map, and you have one easy, easy game (not to mention shitty) right up until you are hit with the classic time bomb escape sequence with one major difference, YOU GET TO FIGHT A DANGEROUS ENEMY AND WATCH THE TIMER RUN OUT RIGHT AS YOU KILL IT!!!
Metroid Prime
Super Metroid with a 3rd dimension. The Nintendorks say in this one you explore a lot, do a lot of back tracking, and do the same shit you did in Super Metroid. This time though, instead of destroying four things, you have to destroy a race, the Space Pirates. So imagine a 3D Super Metroid in which you are constantly killing 3D space pirates. According to the N-dorks it's the greatest thing since Ocarina of Time because it's Super Metroid 3D!
Supposedly pretty good, but it was for the GameCube, so nobody in the world actually knows if it was any good because nobody bought a fucking GameCube. Since this game, Halofags have been claiming that Metroid Prime is a rip-off of it, while they do not understand that Metroid came out in 1985.
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
Basically, they took Metroid Prime and pulled that gimmicky "alternate world" bullshit, which basically means you just have to do twice as much backtracking, except half of it takes place in an ugly, purple-colored wasteland. They made this one totally awesome by adding a fucking AMMO SYSTEM for all Samus' beam weapons except the weakest, shittiest one, so you never end up using the badass dark/light beams or the fabled annihilator beam, simply because you run out of ammo way too fucking fast. They also added a shitty multiplayer mode that is completely fucking ridiculous and has nothing to do with the rest of the game.
Metroid Prime: Hunters
Metroid Prime: Hunters is only fun when playing people online, but even then it sucks because at least 100% of the players cheat so in the end nobody can kill anybody. Not only this but the controls are terrible; Nintendo lost a lot of money since the Cube sucked ass, so they hired monkeys to program the controls. Thus, they sucked. Trying set up a match takes a few years as well, which is why the game is still at the top charts of Nintendo WiFi activity.
Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
Samus once again wanders around stupid rooms doing nothing but shooting crap. But this time you can actually shoot where you want, which is a feature no game has ever done before. She can also use radioactive blue crap to increase her power level, but using it for too long makes her die of both cancer and AIDS. The game was developed by combining Super Metroid with Halo, thus creating a massive pile of shit.
Called "ZOMG UNIQUE!11!" by fantards because it's the only game in the Prime series to feature other hunters (nobody counts Hunters because it fails). Includes a shapeshifting alien chick, some freaky alien who has the power to freeze anything with ice, and a creepy android thing whose crotch you have to shoot to kill it.
Also introduces Metroid's answer to Admiral James T. Kirk, otherwise known as Badass Bush, who in every message to Samus sounds less like he's on serious galaxy-saving business and more like he wants to get inside her pantsuit at the first opportunity.
Metroid Dread
The long rumored Metroid title that was supposed to be canned. Everyone thinks it's a 2D DS game, but it's really a game for the Virtual Boy where you help Samus shop for groceries.
Metroid:Other M
At E3 2009, Nintendo decided to do it wrong again. Not only had they announced sUpeR MaRio GAlaxY 2 soon to come, but they also released a trailer of the 2010 Metroid release. Nintendo had partnered up with Team NINJA (same people who created Ninja GAYden) for the horrible destruction of a perfectly good series. Just another thing that animu has destroyed other then America and television. The game is made in 2.5-D because the designers are to retarded to tell the difference between first and third person perspectives. The trailer consists of nothing but the complete pwnage of mutant animals.
The Characters
- Samus - The main character of every Metroid game, and fapping material for gamers and other basement dwellers. But to their chagrin, she spends most of the time inside a metal spacesuit, which she uses to engage in systematic desecration of religious sites, widespread genocide, destruction of indigenous species and other loathsome crimes, and apparently getting paid to do so.
Why she was let out of the kitchen, no one knowsoh wait, because she could kick you ass, that's why. She also has time to clip her eyebrows and keep her hair in a huge ponytail underneath her helmet, like some sort of turban.
- Ridley - A HUEG dragon that Samus fights at least once in almost every game because he apparently keeps getting cloned, appearing often for no real reason other than to wreck everything and trigger the self-destruct sequence of whatever you happen to be fighting on. Despite the obvious hatred between him and Samus, sick fucks like to draw porn of the two.
- The Metroids - These large, disgusting parasites also appear in every game, squeeing like anime fangirls before attempting to eat Samus' soul.
The rest of the characters can be found here.
Space Pirates
The main race of antagonists in the Metroid series, the Space Pirates are notorious for being amongst the dumbest videogame characters ever created. Their sole purpose in the games seems to be to build their bases in such a way that makes it as easy as possible for Samus to get through. Their efforts towards this goal include installing doors that open only after being hit with certain beams, installing map, ammo, and health dispensers that can only be accessed via a cannon arm, and connecting all of the rooms through an enormous series of morphball-sized tubes. While the Space Pirates themselves have no apparent means of using any of this, Samus can use all of it, nicely allowing her to continually destroy all of their shit... again and again and again. You'd think they'd eventually learn.
The Space Pirates' ineptitude has even earned them their very own little internet meme in the form of webcomics drawn and shared on 4chan's /v/. The comics, all done in MS Paint, chronicle the misadventures of the lovable retards, focusing particularly on their unexplained obsession with TUBES.
| TUUUUUUUUUUUUBES | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Gallery
 Samus seen here before the sex change operation. |
 Soak it in, because this is about as pornographic as a Nintendo game gets. |
 Samus frustrated that she can no longer masturbate in that goddamn suit. |
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 Samus Aran without her suit in the dreams of every fatass fanboy fucktard. |
 Dark Samus being badass. Little does she know she’s about to get thoroughly pwned. |
 Haha you know you want some. |
 Ridley's reaction to Metroid fans. |
 Very stupid bosses |
 You always wondered how Samus fit comfortably inside her morphball? |
 Almost there... |
 Oh, hai! |
See Also
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Metroid is part of a series on Gaming |
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