Resident Evil 5
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Resident Evil 5 (otherwise known as "PUNCH NIGGERS RECIEVE CAKE") is the fifteenth game in the Resident Evil series. It was released for the Tre Shitty and some other really expensive thing. The only thing that distinguishes this game from the fourteen that come before it is (except number fourteen itself), instead of killing zombies, you walk around Africa endlessly shooting entire villages of pissed off mutant locals and indigenous people. This requires no logic or strategy like numbers zero through thirteen, but instead relies solely on aim. Because of this fact alone, the game is destined to be a top seller.
After the great success of Resident Evil 4, Capcom took it upon themselves to shove their fists up each other's ass instead of working on the sequel. After much butthurt about how the sequel was yet to be released, Capcom finally threw together a plot they wrote atleast 100 years ago and finally went into pre-production. With the same control scheme, the same bullshit scares, a less scary atmosphere, and polished next-gen graphics (Blur effects.) Resident Evil 5 made its first appearence at e3 with a new trailer. Only 50% of the fan boys realised that Capcom has been working on the trailer, and that trailer alone, instead of the actual game.
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Gameplay
The physics engine, leveling up, gore, textures and soundtrack is radically different than the fourth game since it's much prettier and has co-op. Oh, and a woman with a crazy accent. For extra lulz, she has the tendancy to drop in and out of that accent. This can be forgiven for the fact she has a great ass.
There are a wide variety of enemies that players will face off against in Resident Evil 5. These include niggers, niggers with axes, niggers with crossbows, niggers with dynamite, niggers with molotovs, dogs, niggers with rifles, the African version of Hell's Angels, tribal niggers, fat niggers, skinny niggers, a giant bat, black niggers, Lickers that aren't nearly as bad-ass as they used to be, a big thing with black tentacles that might as well be a nigger, monsters that pop out of niggers, sandniggers, the obligatory final boss who comes back from the dead for the umpteenth time (not a nigger), and niggers.
At most, these niggers run at you from a distance and catch you off guard. Being completely surprised, you slightly startled and you have to explain to your co-op partner that a monster of some sort came out of the body of a vicious enemy, and that you are totally not a pussy. Most attempts at convincing your partner will result in failure on both ends, due to your partner being decapitated because he was laughing at your failure instead of paying attention.
To wit:
The game, for most, will start out rather easy. Because the game tells you to run away like your online date after she has seen your small penis. So, you shoot some nigras and you think everything is good. You get outside, and Sheva immediatly tells you to run like hell. Being a tool, and Sheva being a tool by relation, get the fuck out of dodge and proceed to lock themselves into the nearest house. Much like how you locked yourself in the college dorm room when your online date never showed up again.
After more dicking around, you will eventually find yourself outside. A nigger with a microphone rick rolls everyone and orders some random sandnigger to be decapitated. Many of the gamers believe this was because that allah-loving towelhead sold you guns. In reality, he was caught listening to a Bruce Willis album, which is a great taboo in Africa. This will basically set the tone for the rest of the game, overpowered mini-bosses with a shitstorm of lesser allies will attack you and more than likely win unless you exploit the game's way of throwing you the bone. Because even the game designers do not expect you to complete some of this shit with just ordinary bullets from your shittastic, undergraded weapon.
Storyline
The game's epic opening sequences, consists entirely of some bitch wearing a hood and bird mask, watching a nigger choke to death on a piece of rotten fried chicken. It just so happens, that the maggots within the chicken joined forces with his nigger blood and mutated into tentacles. After rape ensued, we find our hero, Chris Redfield, driving on a dirt road in Africa alone. Because he is a lonely fuck after his partner was appearntly knocked out of a window and raped by some guy with slick hair. As he is driving down this one way dirt road, in the middle of fucking nowhere, Chris thinks about what exactly he is doing.
He goes emo for about five minutes, reflecting on whether or not a country full of niggers, sandniggers, spics, jews, and a single ricenigger are worth fighting for. Being a complete dumbass, he does not U-turn and head back to the previous country. Chris drive on to a village, where he meets his partner, Sheva. The game introducers her with a quick shot of her well curved ass. Further proof that Capcom was hoping for gamers to play the game with one hand.
The two introduce themselves, and they walk around the nigra village, while getting aggresive stares from random niggers who are about to go rage on them. Near the end of this small section, the player encounters a bunch of guys beating up a body wrapped inside a carpet of somesort. After their beat down is interrupted, the niggers give more intense stares toward Chris and Sheva. Some of them trying to look so enraged to a point they shat themselves. It is assumed, that after Chris and Sheva stop poking their noses into other people's beat-downs, that the niggers continued to beat the fuck of whatever the hell was in that goddamn carpet. It is one of the following things:
-A nigger infested with some parasite
-A 12-year-old girl
-A dog
-you
Thirty seconds after a dramatic walking away sequence, Chris and Sheva turn around to find that the everyone in the town has disappeared. They declare this to be a vanishing act and to be totally scary as fuck, but they disregard the fact that there might be a sale on watermelons near by. Now, put yourself in that position. If new york were to suddenly become niggerless in a several block radius, would you find a place to hide and wait for xenu? Or, being a the fucktard you are by nature, would you progress onward to the gun stop? Lets say the niggers were waiting for a chance to ambush you, do you think a white shrimp like you can take on a bunch of hoodlums in a gun fight?
Chris and Sheva recieve guns and ammunition from the local sandnigger, who ironically has his bombs and AK-47's out of stock. Thus, going along with the classic video game cliche`, the players are given pistols to fight an entire town of niggers on PCP and Devil's Dandruff. When you leave, the sandnigger listens to a Bruce Willis album and is later beheaded for great justice. You are now stuck in a house, surrounded by enemies, a cresendo event seen in Re4 over 9000 times. This time around, the niggers break the ceiling and some fag with a giant giant ax comes to kill you. Overpowered, ugly as shit, and overall a shitty mini-boss, this part is where you frantically run around, avoiding being hit, until something happens and the level is over.
Blah blah blah, the first chapters are the only chapters worth playing through. Even with that upside, there are still shitty moments. You encounter a tentacle rape demon that can only be killed in two ways. One of the tactics involves you running, knocking explosive shit over, so you can set the tentacle monster on fire. Do this multiple times with the multiple explosive shits laying around, and you will have been able to defeat him. The second tactic involves running INSIDE A GODDAMN, MOTHER FUCKIN' FURNACE, shooting his arms off, and closing the door just in time to burn his ass. So, what would you do? Run around and waste your fucking time, or run into a furnace and risk wasting your fucking life.
More shit happens, you encounter a bunch of niggers on motorcycles at some point. It would have been one of the most epic and challenging boss fights in the world, but the game likes throwing you a bone, and decided to make it all one big cutscene where you have to press the shining buttons that appear on your screen. If you do not do that successfully, become an hero for you fail hard at this basic game mechanic that can not even be considered gameplay.
A nigger named Josh, or Tish, or something comes to your rescue and he sticks around for awhile until he tells you to fuckoff and goes away until the very end of the game. Weird shit happened in the plot and you end up trying to chase down a terrorist who has sent a bat/vagina/crab/hornet monster after you, which can be killed with more running and bullets. This douchecanoe named Irvin gets on a boat and thinks he can get away from you. When you catch up to him, (Well, that wasn't so hard.) he injects himself with AIDS and turns into another large tentacle rape monster, this time it swims around and hits the boat you are on with its tentacle penises.
Guess what? More fucking shit happens, and now for some reason you are in a village full of tribal niggers. You have to fight your way through their village, destroy their culture, go into their sacred temple, find out that Umbrella has been harvesting some plant the tribe worshiped, screw the pooch, and learn that the good guys, TRICELL, are working with the bad guys, UMBRELLAZ to create super virus that-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!11!!1uno!1!one!!shift_1!! FUCK THIS GAME.
In the original script, the tribesman actually approach Chris and Sheva peacefully. Impressed by how great conflict and genocide was avoided, Chris and Sheva accepted their fate. The chief of the tribe came to them and let them choose their own fate. "Death", or a sacred ritual known as "Oompa". Sheva, not wanting to die so young, chose "Oompa" with out asking what it was. Suddenly, several tribesman grabbed her and took her into the center of the village where they gang raped her for two days. Groping her boobs and ass, shoving their dicks into her mouth. Rubbing their dicks all over her sexy tanned skin. Cumming in her ass, cumming in her mouth, cumming in her ear, cumming in her nose, cumming in her vagina, cumming in her eye, and cumming in her hair for two days straight, non-stop. After seeing his partner's fate, Chris immediatly chooses death over "Oompa". The chief replies, "Death it is! But first, Oompa!"
Capcom, being a bunch of pussies who thought that the ending would have been too depressing, managed to throw more bullshit into the story and make the game longer than it should be. After awhile, you find out you are doing the same thing over and over again. Then something interesting happens. Wesker and Jill Valentine are revealed to be alive after falling out a window and into MOTHER FUCKING SHARP ROCKS. Wesker claims he has only seven minutes to play with you, all the while Jill jumps around in a skin tight outfit that would put Samus from Metroid to shame. You guessed it, run around and avoid any challenge the conflict may bring and wait out the enemy. Chris finds out that Jill is being controlled by some jewel/robotic clingy thingy on her chest. Not only do you get to see some slight, unadult-rated, boobage, but you get to actually touch her chest as you try and pry this thing from her.
Wait, wait, wait... what the fuck?! The game was serious as balls up to the point we found out that Jill (Did I mention Wesker dyed her hair blond for no reason? Not to mention the fact she was under his command? He probably fucked her, sleep at night knowing that. I bet you can't.)) is being 100% controlled by a thing on her chest? You think it would be something bad ass like a microchip implanted into her brain, being controlled by two cuntbag nanobots, who rather grope their USB ports than control Jill properlly and make for a somewhat challenging boss fight.
After that bullshit, you get to shoot more niggers that shoot back at you. And then you encounter some bitch you forgot about ten minutes ago, Excella. Some bitch from Tricell that has been trying to get into Wesker's pants since her first appearence in the game. Not only does she sport a horrid hairstyle, but also one of the most forced (Russian?) accents ever. Compared to the other fourteen installments of Resident Evil, Excella is the only voice actor who sucks more cock than Chris did just to get back into the franchise.
In a complete and unexpected plot twist, Wesker betrays Excella and makes her into another goddamn tentacle rape monster. We were praying that she was going to turn into one of those bad ass Lickers, only completely mutated and even more bad ass. Instead we get to fight a recycled boss now in a greater scale, with a lazorz. Short lived, pointless, and the only purpose being to expand the game, this boss fight is about as memorable as.... ass.... as... fuck it. This plot sucks the the big one.
After Chris and Sheva cut themselves, they encounter Wesker for the second time and actually get to fight him. It is found out that Wesker is addicted to drugs, and they attempt to make him overdose on steroids. Why did they think it was a good idea to put even moar into him is unknown. Dramatic music plays as you run around turning off lights (Seriously...) and shooting rockets at Wesker, who spends his time talking about COMPLETE GLOBAL SATURATION and stumbling in the dark like a twat instead of fighting you.
Dreadfully long sequence short, you inject him with steroids and naturally, he goes into a roid rage and jumps into a jet that appearntly appeared out of fucking no where. He plans to fly it toward some place that will fire a missle at him, blow him the hell up, and completely saturate the world. Too bad Chris and Sheva fuck his shit up, and shoots him in the face. GAEM OVAR, amirite? NO. THE GAME IS STILL NOT OVER.
You CRASH INTO A VOLCANO IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (Yet, someone rescues you anyways.) and you have to fight Wesker again. The partner A.I for Sheva is so useless in this fight, you might as well be pegging Wesker with rotten eggs. Wesker turns into a tentacle rape demon and a flamboyant homosexual all into one, ([[ALL CAPS| DSFJNDSJLDSFJKFDSJKN!!!) and you have to later blow him up with a rocket launcher at the end in true Resident Evil fashion. The fuckin' end. Oh, and did I mention there are a lot of niggers in this game?
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PROBABLY CONTAINED SPOILERS.
Controversy
Not surprisingly, the niggers are complaining that, since the game will feature a white hero shooting black villains, the game is racist andThis is, however, completely false, as niggers are inhuman savages IRL and it is pretty much every white guy's job to destroy black people and save humanity. These stupid shitheads seem to forget that the game is made by Asian people, and Asian people hate whites and blacks evenly. Furthermore, the idea that this game will make people start hating blacks is completely unfounded, as most people hate niggers already without the help of a video game.
Of course - all the concerned single mothers are just having a knee-jerk reaction, as only a faggot would think that people who play video games are completely unable to distinguish between them and real life and therefore believe that stealing cars, killing prostitutes, jumping on turtles, and searching for agility orbs IRL is serious business.
The Secret Ending
Chris ran his hands through his hair as the water continued to pour over his body, running off the suds that he had spread over the solidity of his figure before he’d moved onto his hair. Thoughts of Sheva and her incredible body raced through his mind as he continued to clean himself, eager for the moment when he would finally have her in his arms again. The air around him abruptly became briskly cold. He turned towards the glass door and couldn’t have been happier for what he saw. Sheva Alomar, completely naked, revealing every beautiful curve, all of her silky tan skin from the top of her head to the bottom of her very feet. He absolutely adored every single part of her. “Sheva…” he breathed, unable to hold back a smile, “what are you doing?” She smiled at him, placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back into the shower as she slickly stepped in to join him. “What’s wrong Chris? I just thought I could take my shower with you…” she said innocently, “I figured this would basically be killing two birds with one stone, I mean why waste the water?” She moved her hand across his chest, her index finger trailing a ticklish line against the slickness of his chest as she came to stand directly below the showerhead. The water fell upon her body then, soaking her. The slickness marvelously accentuating her glorious figure, making Chris swallow hard. He was almost completely overwhelmed by the sight.
They had yet to have engaged in anything in the shower before today, and Chris began mentally kicking himself for not having thought of something like this sooner. “Besides…” Sheva continued, pretending to be oblivious to what she was doing to him as the water ran over her, “I always hated having to wash my own back... do you think you could help?” Chris chuckled, “Damn right I can.” Sheva giggled, “I figured you would.” Smirking Chris looked to his side and reached for the soap that he’d placed on the corner seat right next to him. “Well since I’m already done, I guess I could do a complete body detail for you if you’d like…” “Would you Chris?” Sheva said, an eager air slowly building in her voice. “That would be great.” Nodding, Chris rubbed the soap in his hands, its strawberry scent slowly filling the confines of the shower as did so until he felt he had produced enough of the foamy suds. Not wanting to waste one more second wondering just how the hell lucky a man he was, Chris eagerly began to clean the younger woman’s body.
Sheva sighed as his soapy hands slid up her arms to her shoulders, before caressing her neck tenderly to which she gasped before he took in the gentle sound when he placed his lips over hers, kissing her dearly. “Chris…” she said lowly, and the utter need in her voice made him very aware that he was growing increasingly happy to have Sheva in here with him like this. “Shhh…” he soothed, and then smirked, “Come on Shev I haven’t even started yet…” He kissed his way down her face to her neck, his tongue raking against the side of her throat and he felt her body tremble as she let out a low moan. Smiling inwardly to himself, Chris moved his soapy hands over her arms again, her shoulders, and then down towards her soft breasts, but he stopped before he would’ve touched them and he could hear her light whimper of disappointment. “Don’t worry,” he assured, “There’s no way I’m going to forget about those.” He brought his mouth back towards her lips and kissed her once again, slowly pushing her back towards the other side of the shower towards the wall. Sheva gasped when her back and the wall met, either from the jolting cold of the marginally wet porcelain wall or from when Chris’ hands slid over her breasts, covering them in soap, making them even slicker, her nipples becoming stiff and rigid with the pleasure. Chris pressed against his body against hers and Sheva let out a loud moan when she felt his hardness press against her taut body. She wrapped her arms around his back, pressing against him in return as best she could, enjoying the feel of him so hard and ready against her body and frustrated that she couldn’t quite have him just yet. “Chris please…” A please like that meant a woman had reached the wettest of wets, a need so powerful that their legs would shake and Sheva’s legs were indeed quaking as though she would collapse in seconds.
Chris grit his teeth hard against the momentous desire that flooded through him at that moment, his length throbbed hard with the need to be delved inside of the pleading woman pressed against him as soon as possible. Chris decided to simply give in to what he really wanted at that second that was not to clean Sheva Alomar. It was to fuck her, fuck her hard, and then afterwards worry about getting her clean. Because right now, all he could think about was doing things that were dirty. He turned Sheva towards the wall, and put her hands up against the tile, pressing his body against her back. “Yes….” she hissed, “Yes Chris, please…” He licked the back of her neck, making her shiver, before positioning him self against the slick warmth of her syrupy entrance. He pushed his hips forward into her, and Sheva gasped, body tensing as he slid himself inside of her, their watery circumstances allowing his hard thickness to slide easily into her on blissfully satisfying inch at a time. He pushed until most of him was inside her heated center. Then, just as slowly, almost teasingly slowm Chris pulled backwards, the very tip of him meeting the very beginnings of her before he slowly worked himself all the way inside of her again. “Oh God!” Sheva cried, wiggling her hips, body begging for Chris to pick up speed before she voiced it on her own. “Harder Chris, please, harder!” His own body trembling from the heat of the depths of Sheva’s body, Chris gladly followed her instructions. He thrust into so hard and fast a shrill scream was torn from Sheva’s throat. His pace was so hard and fast she was left gasping his name while he harshly grunted and groaned, her tight pussy trying to resist the speed of him as he delved within her as fast as he could. “Oh yes!” Sheva screamed, head lolling back as the sound of their wet flash slapping to together so violently and delicious pleasure of Chris fervently assaulting her depths drove her wild. “God yes!!”
Gallery
 I hope that doesn't count as a crossover. |
 this is a bonus outfit. Seriously. |
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 lol spoiler |
 COMPLETE GLOBAL SATURATION |
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 The mandatory Tentacle Rape |
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See Also
External Links
Black blogger gets butthurt over the game
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Resident Evil 5 is part of a series on Gaming |
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