Pokémon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
Evil Japanese Conspiracy
Pokémon started out as just a humble Game Boy game, but it soon bloated into a massive cult that recruited 9-year-olds who fap'd to teh pokémonz along with a shitty TV show, a card game, consecutive video games, stuffed animals, bedsheets, movies, plastic toys made in China, thongs, condoms and some very disturbing hentai and marital aids. The whole thing ended when the cult had a final stand-off with the government in Waco. What was left of the once noble franchise was soon raped to death by Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
The final nail in the coffin of Pokémon's popularity is the fact that wikipedophiles place articles about them on the front page (for example, here), and that all the original voice actors of the anime have been fired.
Video games
Note that, although Nintendo claims to sell several versions of each game, each is really identical, and it is all a ploy to sell more cartridges, link cables, and wireless adapters. The sequels are also all the same game, just the old main character is killed off and replaced, and new Pokémon are unveiled.
Red and Blue
The original video games are actually pretty good, that is, if you like shit graphics, extreme glitchiness, and bestiality. It was created by an otaku who enjoyed collecting bugs, and so, the object of the game is for you to catch cute little animals with your balls and force them to murder each other in battle. To win, one must also obtain all the PokéGods, secret Pokémon that have Digivolved to the highest level, such as Mew, Ho-oh, and Proxy-Connection: keep-alive Cache-Control: max-age=0. These Pokémon are unlocked by releasing all your Pokémon after defeating the Leet Four exactly 666 times and then using the Super Rod repeatedly behind the easter egg truck.
There was a secret cheat could you could get to catch a character called "Missingno", a glitch in the gameplay, allowing you to clone items and have Pokémon with max power levels. Doing this eventually wipes your game save, and not only that, if you use your Nintendo Game Boy connect cable to trade these glitch Pokémon with your best friend, it will also rape their game save as well. This has been compared to the Pokémon equivalent of AIDS by leading scholars, because they both result in certain death of the infected target.
Gold and Silver
Quite literally exact copies of the original games, only with slightly better graphics, colored Pokémon, the infamous Misty skinny-dipping cut scene, and a bunch of new Pokémon. This cycle would repeat several times over, each time adding better graphics and more Pokémon, but never actually evolving the gameplay or plot in the slightest.
These games also introduced the concept of Pokémon breeding, which makes all of the Pokémon-on-Pokémon Rule 34 ever conceived technically canon.
Ruby and Sapphire
The next games in the series came out for the Game Boy Advance. They featured new villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma, who think global warming is a good thing. The only positive aspect of these games was the introduction of Mudkips.
Diamond and Pearl
These latest sequels in the Pokémon franchise add connectability with teh internets, so you can trade your Mewtwo for a Magikrap from around the world!!!111 You can also download Ash x Gary yaoi straight to your Nintendo DS. Just be sure to carry a strong anti-virus Pokémon in your party at all times, or you risk being pwned by a wild virus Pokémon encountered on the tubes.
They also feature Cynthia as the Pokémon League Champion, her existence the result of mass controversy and butthurt amongst Nintendo.
HeartGold and SoulSilver
Last thursday, after many rumors were circulated on the tubes, Nintendo confirmed that there would indeed be remakes of the hit games Gold and Silver for the DS. The games have features such as letting any of your Pokémon follow you around, a wide variety of Generation II Pokémon, and pseudo-3D graphics. Basically, the new games are just a giant clusterfuck of fail produced from merging half of the old games together, but as soon as this piece of news was released on the internet, nostalgiafags everywhere creamed their pants.
Pokémon Types And Elements
- Normal: The "Basic" non-elemental type for all Pokémon based of animals too generic or boring to bother placing into a better category. They had very few "Special" attacks, held no advantage over anything, and were weak versus Fighting attacks. They also couldn't damage Ghost types (unless you used Foresight beforehand), and were one of the weakest types in the game. Great job there, Nintendo.
- Fire: If you had a favorite Pokémon, chances are it was probably a fire type. Loved by all and feared by many, Fire types dished out ridiculous amounts of special damage, had vaguely high health and speed, and were even able to hold their own against Water types and their other various weaknesses, in case you didn't see that coming.
- Water: Based off of marine creatures and sealife, Water types were for JRPG fans who enjoyed sitting around fishing for pixels all day, rather than going out and exploring the actual game. They all look like shit and were pathetic ingame (the only exception being Mudkip, of course).
- Lightning: None of these were based off of animals that could really shoot lightning irl, such as eels. Lightning was for mechafags and WoW players who enjoy abusive stunning effects, and being extremely hard to hit. The only reason to capture one was for the "Flash" attack, used to light up Dark places.
- Rock/Ground: These had shitloads of HP and stupidly high defense. Fighting one took forever, and you would often run into those bastard hikers in the caves, when your water type was dead and all you had left was your fire type. Ground on the other hand was a shitty mix of rock and normal, which means it performed poorly at being either of them.
- Psychic: Geared towards the users of /i/. These had powerful special attack and defense, but low physical defense and health. Basically every "Mage" character in any RPG anywhere.
- Ghost: Overpowered, but rare. Completely immune to normal attacks and resistant to ground based moves in the later games, your only chance in hell was to train up an abra or something.
- Poison: Irritating long lasting poison effects made these guys a bitch to fight. These are often employed by the pathetic grunts of Team Rocket, and after a battle ended, the infected Pokémon would cause your screen to have a seizure every four steps you took. "Koffing" is a member of this element, and is the greatest Pokémon in the game.
- Steel: Designed to appeal to HARDCORE Pokémon fans and metalfags. Basically just the same as Rock but with even moar defense and HP.
- Dark: Because Ghost just wasn't enough for the legions of faggot fanfiction writers and emos that make up most of the Pokémon fanbase. Easily some of the most unoriginal designs and uninspired movesets in the game, but don't you dare tell an Umbreon fanboy that.
- Grass/Bug Slow, weak, and would burn to cinders at the smallest spark. Rather ironic seeing as Pokémon originally started out as having just Bug types killing each other and nothing else. Most of these shot powders that stunned or forced you to sleep.
The anime
The Pokémon anime tells the story of hermaphroditic Ash Ketchcum, whose hollow life is devoted entirely to Pokémon fanboyism. Therefore, he teams up with his best buddy and partner, the electrified rat, Pikachu, and sets out to catch 'em all.
Ash is soon accompanied by Misty O'IttyBittyTitties, former underage fetish model. He is also joined by Brock Statue Tory, all around horn dog and charter member of the Nurse Joy appreciation club. A running joke involves Brock cumming in his pants whenever he sees anything with breasts, which happens with amazing frequency considering his eyes are permanently closed. However, the reason for Brock's weird-ass behavior is because he is gay. This is the only explanation to why he has never had a girlfriend, and why he loves to cook. As the rest of the gang are major gay-bashers, he hides this with his girl "obsession".
Ash is chased around the world by Team Rocket members Jesse, James, and their annoying retarded cat. They supply 95% of this show's lulz in the form of endless attempts to steal Pikachu so that their boss would love the shit out of them again, not like he did anyway. They are also the subject of many shipping wars among fans who are just too dumb to realize James is gay.
Misty later leaves the show after getting knocked up and is promptly replaced by May, a jailbait whore with breasts that rival your mom's. May brings along her brother Max, an incestuous little fuckface, who is later killed, along with Tracy, by Hitler and his Nazis. In order to boost ratings, Dawn is then introduced to the show, and considering that she's 10 years old, she is an even bigger whore than the other girls, (if possible), mainly due to her extremely short skirt. She has the smallest chest, probably as fan service for pedophiles, amirite?
Some argue the entire series is merely Ash's coma-induced dream, revealing such elements of his subconscious as his repressed sexual feelings and poor relationship with his father, which is most likely true if he runs away from home to serch for da weird tings known as Pokémon. These people need to find something better to do than psychoanalyzing bad anime.
Coma Induced Dream
Did one ever know the reason why the pacing and story development change after Ash was hit by lightning in the beginning episodes? How Ash and his world were relatively normal until after the incident? I have a theory. The accident with the bike put Ash in a coma. Days later he was found and was hurried to the hospital and treated with heavy medications. This is why Team Rocket became less menacing. The medication took effect and stabilized his coma dreams, instead of being terrifying, they became idyllic, and he's able to live out his Pokémon master fantasies.
If one had noticed, the early episodes of Pokémon were of amazing quality. The rest of the series is just the results of his subconscious mind fulfilling his desires, as well as attempting to escape them. Should Ash realize he's in a coma, he would wake up, but suffer brain damage. So he has to take down all his mental barriers one by one until he can come to grips with what he is and escape his coma.
This explains why he doesn't change much physically. Also, the worldwide socialism can be explained if you once again realize that this is a dream world; he thought up a safe system of government that would run smoothly and keeps the world going allowing his adventures to work like they do. It also explains a few other things, such as how a child can go off on his own in a world full of dangerous untamed animals, and why every Pokémon center has the same exact nurse. Joy and Jenny he knew from his hometown, and they act as a safety net or anchor, allowing him to feel safe no matter where he goes. The professors, like the Joy's and Jenny's represent stability, and ash's ideals. This is why Gary became a professor. It's also the reason that every time he enters a new region, virtually no one has heard of him, despite his conquests, and why Giovanni leads Team Rocket. How could Paul, the rival of the Sinnoh area, not know of someone who has placed in at least the top 16 of all three leagues and has destroyed the Orange league and Battle Frontier?
Ash’s traveling partners are actually aspects of himself he can enjoy, but doesn't like to associate with himself. Team Rocket are his qualities that he deems "negative", but is coming to terms with. Jesse and James want to appease Giovanni, Ash's Father. Meowth especially wants to appease him because he remembers the good times with Giovanni. This Places meowth in a category known as ash's (corrupted) innocence, and another fragment of ash's humanity. If you note that meowth can speak this quickly becomes apparent. In fact the whole reason for meowth's speech is so he can help Ash accept Team rocket as part of himself eventually.
Brock is Ash's repressed sexuality. He fell into the coma a virgin and needed an outlet for his growing sexual frustrations. Since he can never experience sex, Brock must never succeed. Brock is a projection of his sexuality, and is constantly shot down because Ash could never “know” sex. Brock isn't just Ash's latent sexuality, he's also his fatherly instincts, neither of which Ash can come to terms with. Brock leaves his siblings to "journey" with Ash. because Ash can't cope with having that much responsibility, much as his foray with a real relationship ends on mysterious terms. Ash just cannot handle commitment at his mental level. Brock's Stay with professor Ivy was an.attempt to outright suppress his sexuality. You'll notice that James got much more dialogue in this part of the series, as well as getting more touchy feel-y with his pokemon and getting most of his backstory. Ash didn't enjoy this much, hence the reasons Brock comes back all horrified, and refuses to speak about it. (ash's subconscious was repressing him at the time, so other than a general feeling of dread he has no idea of what went on then.) This is also why brock keeps coming back to the series....Usually AFTER Ash meets a new girl aspect of himself.Misty is an image that Ash had of a girl. This is why she plays so prevalently in the series but is ultimately unattainable because he never really knew her before the coma. Likely the one that helped get him to a hospital. I have a theory in line with this: Since Misty was his initial love interest (if only subconsciously), he needed her to reach a level of womanhood. He felt that people could only have relationships when they've matured. But in practice, it turned out he couldn't cope with it and just wanted the normal, pushy, arrogant Misty he knew, and wouldn't let her keep Togepi anymore.
Misty is Ash's first attempt at a girl he could love, however, being a girl from the real world, all he really he knew of her was her anger, as a result she ended up quite hot headed in his mind. Constantly berating his sexuality, but eventually mellowing out until she had faded into the background. This was also traumatizing to him, being attached to it. Since then, the thought of anyone around him maturing to adulthood has been blocked, and anyone who shows signs of it will quickly end up leaving for another, more naive fill-in.
Max came with May, she played the Id with great aspirations, and he played the sensible Ego that "Session". They worked for a little while but Ash, being a teenager, eventually had his sexuality had to come back into play. He kept reinventing himself and eventually wrote new aspects, but his mind slowly brought back the old ones as a crutch to make the transition easier.
Dawn is Ash giving himself a chance to love. since he already established Misty as someone he's not likely to go anywhere with, he created a new super female, one that was more like him, and less violent all the time. (One will note that both May and Misty had no tolerance for Brock whatsoever whereas dawn seems to try and shrug it off.) .
Tracey, The Breeder was a possible future for Ash that he discarded. It was one that he sent off to work with the Professor (the professors being Ash's ultimate ideal of a father figure) when he disrupted the dynamic Ash had with his other possibilities. Ash's mind is fighting the coma and since Ash viewed this one as a companion he was quickly replaced with a more threatening Rival.
Pikachu obviously represents Ash's Humanity, hence the episodes where they get separated, and ash wants desperately to find him, even to the point of working with the rockets ( aspects of himself he would never normally associate with) but for some reason cannot. They want to steal Pikachu (Ash’s humanity) and hand it over to his father, Giovanni. Jesse and James will always oppose ash because ash is terrified of the thought of his humanity lying in the hands of his father. However this is the same reason that he will work with those aspects of himself in order to save his humanity from just becoming flat out LOST. He couldn't evolve his Pikachu without challenging his concept of who he was, something he wasn't comfortable with while he was still working through his original issues.
Another thing is the narrator. The narrator is Ash's higher mind, recapping and explaining the progress he's made and the tribulations he will face allowing itself insight into how best to awaken him.
Ash has issues With his Father; so he put him atop the evil corporation, and demonized him. There may be an actual team rocket, and I'm positive they're quite dastardly, but I doubt that ash's father is their leader, in fact the head of the rockets wasn't really identified as anyone until later on in the series. The split between ash's parents was likely over ash's homosexuality and some sort of incident as a catalyst, forcing his father to disown him and his mother to move out of the city and down to pallet town. This is why Giovanni runs the faceless Vile corporation, and Why he Berates Jesse, James, and Meowth as much as he does, and why they keep trying to please him. Another thing to notice is the difference in uniform, The rockets Wear Black and Red, where Team Rocket wears White....a symbol of their purity and naivete. They're willing to please father despite his utter hatred of those parts of Ash.
Team rocket are aspects of Ash's personality that he has deemed "bad". James implied homosexuality, and Jesse is vanity. You'll remember that Meowth has the potential for rehabilitation, and doesn't want to be evil, so yet again this fits in with the conflicting personalities and demonized self theory. Team rocket started cross-dressing because ash had to come to terms with that part of himself. It was something he was able to allow his gay/vain side to experiment with (and by virtue of that himself) When he found that it wasn't something for him, his "Free" side stopped playing with it. Further, their methods of capture become more and more ludicrous (and physically impossible) because Ash is just a kid dreaming these things up. This is the reason Team Rocket's disguises are always believed. He knows it's them (on some level), but chooses to ignore it, so he can better himself, in a sense the Ash who wants to escape is sabotaging the ash who wants to stay lost in his mind. So that there can be more conflict, and hopefully an eventual escape. The filler episodes that don't focus on Ash and the gang are his mind working through, and humanizing the parts of himself that he demonized. It's a way for him to deal with issues that Ash and crew wouldn't touch, because it involves treading ground he himself had sworn not to go near. As I said, Team Rocket and the episodes they occupy are Ash dealing with ground he feels uncomfortable with tackling on his own. Jessie is Ash's vanity and gullibility, she will trick Ash's submissive homosexuality into doing her bidding so she can please father. James' troubled childhood is his way of justifying his latent homosexuality. Now James is Ash's latent homosexuality, hence why he is constantly punished by Pokémon and attacked by random attractive girls. I believe the split between Ash's parents was caused by this part of Ash, maybe an incident at school, bringing shame on the family and forcing them to move to the small, country town of Pallet. Ash's motivations for his journey were to escape mounting pressure at home.
So in a way, Ash IS Team Rocket. The rest of the whole organization Including Butch and Cassidy is symbolic of his inability to escape his father's machinations.
Mr. Mime is actually a stand in for Ash's father, one that can't emotionally abuse him or his mom. He is a Pokémon, a peace loving creature that's oddly humanoid, but that can never hurt a human. Ash's was never really hurt by a Pokémon, so he sees them all as harmless; whereas, in the real world they may be quite feral or vicious (as seen in the early episodes). Again falling back to the theory that the only real Pokémon are the ones from the first season, and everything else is just further speculation coming from his mind on what new species would look like.
The new teams ( magma, aqua, and galactic) are Ash attempting to work out the problems he has with his father. to do that he first needs a new "bad guy" to feel good about beating, and if Giovanni isn't leading a criminal organization he can more easily relate to him.
If one recalls, there were real animals early in the show and references to animals in the game and show. For example, a clear case to point out is the aquarium of fish in the Cerulean City Gym or that by the Pokédex that Pikachu is a “rat-like” Pokémon. But they don't matter to Ash's psyche so they don't come into play much. If Ash had loved puppies, everything would be about different breeds of dogs, and a dog fighting circuit. But, as the series goes on longer, we've been seeing less realistic animals and more Pokémon. This could be a sign of Ash’s mind deteriorating. As he's in this coma, he's losing concepts of some animals and machinery and replacing them with Pokémon. It could explain things like electric Pokémon working as power generators. A sign that his memory of the old world is slipping more and more as time goes by. The Pokémon realm will be idealized continuously the longer he has no stimulus from the real world. He may or may not be mentally deteriorating , but he is becoming more accustomed to his fake world's rules. The wild Pokémon are his rationalizations of the functioning of the world. It’s the "A wizard did it" Syndrome. If he doesn't know how it works, his mind says Pokémon. He justifies anything he can't explain with Pokémon, and real animals fall into the background because he has no real interest in them.
The Pokémon in Ash's team are his issues, for example Charmander represents his sex drive (not his sexuality like Brock) at first it's a cute easy to control thing, but eventually becomes a raging inferno of disobedience. Acquiring his team means getting at his issues, but as he trains them, he works said issues out. Other trainers are more direct forms of his issues, ones that he must either come to terms with or outright supress. Gym leaders are more primary aspects of his personality with each Pokémon being stronger than the last, to display a level of skill he could be capable of if only he gave into it. In effect, he is doing battle with a part of him that he would rather not have in control. Bulbasaur was Ash's unwillingness to change, this is reflectedwhen it declines to evolve and how it almost decided to stay behind unless he battled it. Squirtle was his willingness to follow the lead of others, as evidenced by the gang it ran with, even though he ran the gang, they were viewed as one group, and ash's subconscious just gave him the strongest one. Butterfree was his crushing loneliness, which he dealt with when he released it to join a flock. His bird types are his recklessness, always willing to sacrifice something at a moment's notice for the win. When Ash is trading Pokémon, it's an attempt to push his own problems away on someone else; however, he realizes this and usually trades back fairly quickly. Originally ash had the battles, which evolved into team battles and contests. The explanation for this is that his issues became more and more complicated, and the means of dealing with them needed to become more complex. the fact that he uses issues that he has already dominated to win these are signs that he's growing stronger.
Not only are Ash’s Pokémon are a manifestation of different parts of himself, so are Pokémon of other trainers as well. Koffing and Ekans were symbolic of Team Rocket's willingness to change; hence, their evolutions. Once his mind beat that roadblock down and allowed them to change once, it gives him the chance to truly change. Pupitar is a rationalization, a Pokémon that a rival caught before he met him. Even Ash would become suspicious if everyone he met had no carry-over from pervious places he had been to.
Ash releases his Pokémon because his mind is forcing him to let go of them. The second he raises an overpowered team, a tournament comes up, and after fighting his way through it he has to go to a new land for new challenges, but with an overpowered team, there won't be any challenges, and no way to motivate him further, part of Ash wants to stay in the coma, and keep journeying.
Ash's travelling also never really nets him any fame, no matter what he does, or where he goes, and the answer for that is simple. Ash just can't picture himself as famous, so he essentially adopts a new identity every few months.
The reason he never truly becomes a master is because that would mean he'd have nothing left to dream, and would wake up from his coma. Ash’s dual personality is one that wants to maintain his fantasy world and slowly sort his thoughts out carefully. The other part wants freedom, and to return to his real life, to finally become a real Pokémon master. However if he's allowed to keep his powerful team there's no reason to meet and tame new Pokémon(Issues), he'll lose interest, and the chance of becoming self-aware comes around again. So it's not that he gives them up, it's that he loses them, and unless he's desperate (such as with Charizard) he can't get them back. It’s basically his mind forcing him to deal with his issues. It would also be a good reason why Paul has shown up at this point, and Ash has been forced to work with him on at least one occasion: It's his mind's last ditch efforts to snap him out of this, to force Ash to actually come to terms that this perfect world is not the best option and he needs to wake up. Paul is Ash's dark side, one that wants to push on even harder and harder, and the part of him that will stop at nothing to escape this coma world.
Ash’s rivals and the Elite four are ultimately the strongest part of this cycle. Having Pokémon that are essentially godlike, they represent both what can be attained and what is unattainable. Gary Oak is what Ash wants to be. He is wish fulfillment. He succeeded, and settled down to a normal life. Ash needs someone to succeed in his world or he won't be able to validate it and will start questioning why he's where he is. It’s a subconscious trap to keep him from becoming too aware of his situation. His mind must have figured out that awareness of the coma would snap him out of it, but it would cause major brain damage, so it took something the boy already loved and built a way out for him with it. However Ash is too complacent to finally fight his way out of it, and cannot escape. This is why he keeps encountering Legendary Pokémon, they're his mind's way of showing him he can do great things if he tries, and it's a way to encourage him to push forwards. The Legendary Pokémon are Ash's mind telling him that he has greatness in him and thus, can escape his happy–go–lucky reality.
Ash's Rivals are all possible futures he envisions for himself (note that they are all older than him). This originated with Gary Oak, someone Ash knew from real life, and built up into a sort of god within his mind. Gary however progressed and changed to suit Ash's vision of himself and ultimate desire, eventually settling down into a professor after beating the Elite Four. With Gary in retirement his mind needed a new rival for him Thus the births of Richie (the Good aspect of his rivalry) and Paul (as the darker aspect, a cut-throat Ash, willing to do anything to escape the coma world).
Richie and his Pikachu were another success story for Ash, but he wanted one he could be closer with. One nearly identical to him. One that even used a similar roster to him. Paul and his Chimchar are the polar opposite of Richie, Paul wants nothing to do with any kind of weakness, and is almost aware of his situation. He's always pushing for something more.
The reason he discarded his original hat and the elements of japanese culture so prevalent in the first season is simple. He wanted to travel and broaden his horizons, every time he reinvented himself to do so; he lost touch with his original self. If he ever does escape the coma he'll likely have achieved a sort of Zen state. Considering the amount of personal issues he deals with inside his head, it's entirely likely that he was the next Buddha of the Pokémon world, and that the lightning strike and subsequent coma are a way for him to realize his true self, and destiny.
Mewtwo was a new form of treatment, done with electric impulses and a machine to knock Ash out of it, taking down every last one of his mental guards (the original Pokémon in the movie). In Ash's mind, Mewtwo and his clones were the treatment for the mental safe guards that were protecting Ash and keeping him comatose; the Pokémon of his world. The clones were counters to Ash's mental safeties, and so each appeared to Ash as the exact copy of his defense, intended to take it down by Force. The clones didn't play by the rules of Ash's world, they didn't use any special Pokémon attacks or moves – they just beat down their counterpart by brute strength. The treatment was working, but there were side effects. The electric jolts were beginning to affect Ash's nervous system, and if the treatment continued, he would be paralyzed. His mind realized this and manifested it to Ash by petrifying him in his dream. Were it not for the end of the treatment by Ash's mother (knowing her son would never want to live in a world he couldn’t explore) Ash would have remained as stone in his dream. After this, Ash needed to recover from the damage of the electric therapy. Obviously it was greatly dangerous to him, and in order to reduce the danger Ash's consciousness felt from it, Ash's subconscious began downplaying the effects of electricity in Ash's world, which is why Pikachu’s electric attacks -once noted for their strength by Team Rocket – no longer have any effect on Ash, other than comic relief.
Even the world Ash lives in evidences this. The sprawling forests and eco friendly cities are all his childish innocence. He never travels on a bike despite the distance due to the accident having given him a phobia of them.
As one could see, it is very likely that Ash is trapped in his world. But like every dream, everything, there is a beginning and an end. What would happen if Ash could fully recover? What would happen if he never does? There are infinite branches of possibilities that spiral upwards and intertwine towards the top at a single point, both in his “world” and the real world. In his hospital room, we see Delia, obviously distraught talking to a doctor with a grim look in his eye. He's saying that their insurance is up, and the boy has had no change in brain activity for seven years. That a shock like this may awaken him. She tearfully agrees.
Professor Oak is there to comfort her as they take Ash off life support.
In Ash’s “world”.
Ash has finally defeated the elite four, and one by one the people around him start disappearing. eventually everything is black. Pikachu comes dashing towards him glowing brighter and brighter in the darkness. Eventually Pikachu reaches ash and the two embrace one last time.
Back in his room, as his life signs fade, Ash mutters his genuine, final words.
I...Want...To...Be,
The...Very...Best.
The image of his gaunt, tube-fed, ten-some-year bed ridden body on the bed. His head appears bulbous from atrophy. As he utters his last words, he barely opens his eyes, seeing a silhouette of the figure at the center of his turbulent emotions, his mother, her face obstructed by her hands wiping away tears. He makes contact with her eyes and lets out one last tear before losing all strength. She breaks down in hysterics.
The worst part of all this is that Ash will die, never having experienced actual love, imagine if you will, having lived in a world like his, completely shut off from all things but yourself, and your perception of yourself, with nothing but better yourself. No other people to interact with and issues to solve with no guiding hand.
The boy will die, never having known his dream, except as naught but a dream. The second he gets out into reality for that last moment, part of him knows it was all a lie, his faithful Pikachu? His friends? All his imagination, and maybe, he could have fought and clung to life, maybe even made a full recovery. But knowing that his efforts and ambitions had all been for naught, he just gave up and let the motion carry him away, just so he could be with Pikachu, in a place where his friends were waiting.
I would like to think that he'll realize that his mother loved him and was holding out hope that he'd recover all that time. On the flip side, though, when he sees her he knows that the hope she had is totally broken and she'd come to the crushing realization that the worst thing that can befall a parent has happened to her: outliving her only child. At once he knows he is loved and that it means that the one closest to him is utterly crushed.
Still, there are other possibilities. The fountain of time flows in mysterious ways. One could not go back, against the current such as Gatsby; but, one could never see what is waiting for him downstream. Ash finally defeats Lance, only to be confronted by not Gary Oak, but a mute, mirror image of himself.
The voice of the narrator speaks to him, telling him that now he can finally escape the prison of his own mind. One by one, his friends appear and melt away into more copies of him, all cheering him on. After a long tough battle against himself with the assistance of all of his Pokémon he had ever befriended, he jolts awake.
In his hospital room he sees his parents asleep; he finds himself unable to speak.
Ash pushes forward towards his recovery. Going through physical therapy, training harder and harder with rehabilitative Pokémon, until he can walk on his own again. This time, an older and wiser ash sets out on a journey. Just like last time, he's late getting to Professor Oak's laboratory. And when there's only one Pokémon left....He suddenly recalls all his memories of his "life" and realizes that all his friends are gone forever.
As he sets out with his new companion, he finds the world is darker than he imagined. More “real”, Pokémon and people die; he too has aged.
He vows to become the Master he dreamed he was. He vows to himself.
He vows to “them”.
I WILL be the very best!
TL;DR Some queer kid goes around doing shit nobody cares about.
The latest episodes have been criticized for their huge amount of filler.
The Pokemon movie in the US was censored heavily as guro has no place in a children's film
A Typical Scene From the Anime
Fansites
Back in the day, everyone and their grandmother created an animated-gif-filled Pokémon fansite on Geoshities, named using a complex algorithm to find the perfect combination of the words "Master," "Ultimate," "Legendary," and an arbitrarily chosen Pokémon mascot. These fansites come complete with instructions on how to get Mew and Pikablu in the games, Pokémon/Zelda crossover fanfiction, and in-depth discussions on AshxLugia shipping (OTP!!!).
The internet currently holds the undeleted remnants of these fansites, the Pokémon wiki Bulbapedia, and multiple copypasta versions of serebii.net. PokéFags also seem to think people are interested in watching 10-minute-long YouTube videos of them messing around with their Pokémon games and a GameShark.
Winning online 101.
1. Get a Lickilicky.
2. Teach it Explosion.
3. Give it a Choice Band.
4. Wait for bawwwww.
5. ?????
6. Profit.
Pokémon shipping wars
As Pokémon forums emerged, 16-year-old girls could post threads asking "OMGZ! U THINK ASH AND MISTY LEIK EACH OTHER?" Fair enough question, except Ash is a retard and has the emotional threshold of a brick. They called the ship "Pokeshipping" or, for the Wapanese, "SatoKasu". But then, the yaoi fangirls came out and INSISTED Ash and his rival, Gary Oak, wanted sekrit buttsex with each other. They called it "Palletshipping" because they were both rivals from Pallet town. And then the Palletshippers and Pokeshippers flamed each other.
Then some other people went "NO WAI! Brock and Misty are in love! It's called Gymshipping cuz they're both gym leaders!" And so the Gymshippers flamed the Pokeshippers. And then different yaoi fangirls went "Nuh-uh, girlfriend! Ash and Brock are soooo fux0ring!" They called themselves Bouldershippers. And they flamed the Pokeshippers and Palletshippers.
AND THEN, Brock left the show for a while and was replaced by that fag, Tracey. And the Gymshippers and Bouldershippers went "OMGWTF?" But then some other shippers showed up and paired Misty with Tracey, and called themselves Orangeshippers because it was the Orange island saga. They flamed the Gymshippers and the Pokeshippers. And there was also people who shipped Ash and Tracey but I forgot what they were called and I don't really give a shit.
Eventually Brock came back, and the fag Tracey was left with Professor Oak (which is also shipped, but no one really argues over that since it's canon), and the shipping wars came back to normal for the entirety of the over-padded Johto Journeys.
Then, the bomb hit. "MISTY'S LEAVING OMGWTF?!!"
That was the reaction when the girl for Advanced Generation, Haruka (later called May by the 4Kids fascists), was introduced. Pokeshippers tried to convince themselves that it was still Misty, with different hair and clothes (and bigger tits). But it wasn't. So then they told themselves "OMG, I BET MISTY AND ASH WILL CONFESS THEIR LUUUV AND KISS! AND ASH IS WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES NEXT SEASON BECAUSE SHE GAVE THEM TO HIM!!!111". However, this was not to be. So the Pokeshippers locked themselves in their rooms in defeat, repeating "Theys in love, theys in love, theys in love my preciousssssssss....." Somehow, a similar fallout did not happen with Gymshippers.
So, May came on the show, with her overdeveloped jailbait tits and ass, and Ash, being dumber than a brick, didn't notice. Despite that, people still paired them, called the Advanceshippers (or "SatoHaru"). The distressed-but-determined Pokeshippers weren't going to give up yet, so then came a second wave of flamewars between the Advanceshippers and the Pokeshippers (by then, everyone forgot about Gary). These wars also incorporated Contestshipping (May/Drew, who is the kid with the awful green hair) Brock/May shipping (which doesn't have a name, but it makes the most sense since she uses him as a sugar daddy a lot), and even the incestuous pairing of May with her nerd brother, Max.
At the end of Advanced generation, nothing happened between Ash and May, but May ended up stalking Drew to another place, so Contestshipping was declared canon.
The new season Pokémon D/P (for Double Penetration Diamond/Pearl Double Penetration), and the new girl is Hikari... I mean Dawn (nice name, Pokémon USA). Because she simply exists in the show, she and Ash are shipped by Pearlshippers, or is it Diamondshippers (Wapanese use SatoHika). There is also Ikarishipping, pairing Dawn and Shinji (Paul in the Engrish) just so he can be paired with somebody, and-- oh, fuck it, you know what's going to happen. Flamewars all over the place.
You think after all that TL;DR, we'd be done. No, that was just the twerp ships, the very tip of the iceberg.
The stars of the show, Team Rocket, have been the center of the most brutal ongoing flamewar outside of the Harry Potter fandom, and both sides have ended up looking like fucktards. Jessie and James, through the sheer fact that they are always together (and hugging when they're scared), must be in love. Nevermind James acts like a total faggot (although the Wapanese fans swear this is only because the fascists at 4kids hired that faggot, Eric Stuart, to voice him) and Jessie acts like a total whore. BUT THEYS HOLDIN HANDZ IN THA BALLOON! AND THEY GOT MARRIED IN THE MANGA! AND.. UM... JAMES HASN'T SET JESSIE ON FIRE AND PISSED ON HER SHOUTING "I HATE WIMMINZ@@!" SO IT MUST BE LUV! Such is the logic of the Rocketshippers, who might just be forgiven if they kept it to their forums and websites and not infect everywhere with their OOC fanfiction.
On the opposite side are a different sort of extremists, the Anti-Rocketshippers. Their rallying place is "satire" site Pokemopolis, run by two sheep fucking kiwis, Tim and Lex, two extremely pathetic man/women (who am I kidding?) Manchildren, who hate Japan and worship 4Kids. Despite claiming to be satire, their Anti-Rocketshipping stance is serious business. James IS A FAG! AND IT'S FUNNY! HE TOTALLY CAN'T STAND JESSIE! BUT TIM CAN! TIM LOVES JESSIE EVEN THOUGH HE CALLS HER A WHORE! OMGZ, ROCKETSHIPPERS ARE TERRORISTS! LOL! WE'RE KIDDING! BUT WE STILL HATE YOU! Such is the passive-aggressive hypocrisy of Tim and Lex. In reality, Dodgemaster Tim is a self-hating homosexual who wants to fuck James, but he covers it up by lusting after Jessie in a misogynist manner. And Lex is just a bitch.
4Kids and Pokémon USA drama
The Pokémon anime was originally dubbed for US distribution by 4Kids. Several episodes were banhammered by 4Kids for reasons varying from Brock sneezing during the SARS epidemic, to an overabundance of evil Japanese culture, to James showing off his new boobs, to Porygon-induced subliminal messages that would cause seizures and the buying of more Pokémon merchandise. This topic can cause fanboys to rant for hours on their fansites or online journals.
Eventually, Pokémon USA stepped in and yoinked the anime away from 4Kids. All the "fans" who had previously bitched about how 4Kids was raping the series now acted like it was the apocalypse that the voice artists had been replaced. They set up at least 100 online petitions to reinstate the old voices. Pokémon is clearly serious business. To make the lulz even better, one of their voice actors, Eric Stuart (who did James and Brock) posted about the voice actor changeover on his website, whining like a 13-year-old boy and spamming his own guestbook out of rage.
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Card Game
In 1996, Wizards Of The Coast released a trading card game in which they (badly) translated the cards from Japan. The cardgame involved the strategy of flipping over 9000 coins and using the same fucking cards for every deck.
Later, Nintendo realized they didn't have to rely on Wizards' shitty rules and broke up with their homoerotic coporate lovers, releasing them independently (by then Pokémon had lost popularity anyway and was reserved for ghetto kids middle class white kids, who's parents couldn't afford cable or piano teachers). This new game featured the same basic principles: coin-flipping, same fucking cards, and sticking to a theme.
Elements In The Pokémon TCG
There are several colors elements in the TCG. Note that a few of these are not the same as their video game element counterparts.
- Grass/Bug: Nobody played Grass, except for Jim Profit, but nobody likes him anyway. Grass involved using the same poison attack on twenty different cards.
- Fire: Fire was for dumb kids who wanted to use their favorite Pokémon for their deck. They always got beaten and had their good cards stolen. The stratagy involved doing mundane amounts of damage, and wasting energy.
- Water: Water decks were playes by fags who fapped to Misty. The strategy involved doing more damage by adding more energy to your Pokémon. OMGZ nova!
- Psychic/Ghost: Psychic fags were always noticeable as they wanted to use their super rare Mewtwo card, but you would let them because Mewtwo sucked anyway and then they'd get their asses kicked in a children's cardgame.
- Fighting/Ground/Rock: This element was a combination of Fighting, Rock, and Ground type Pokémon from the original video game. Why they couldn't just give everyone their own elemental card still remains a mystery to this day. Fighting was for unoriginal faggots who didn't know how to do anything else but flip coins and deal damage. Needless to say, they always win.
- Lightning: Lightning was used by girls who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. Lightning strategy involved flipping coins to deal what other Pokémons were dealing without coinflips, and Self Destruct which dealed a whole 40 damage. WOW!
- Steel: Steel was all about defense and lots of HP. Steel had a lot more cards in Japan, but America was scared that the cards would give American kids seizures and encourage communism because of the emphasis on industrial work.
- Dark: Dark, like Steel. This was intended to be a non-basic energy that was splashed in decks. Unlike steel though, dark appealed to angst 13 year old boys and there's now more Pokémon that can use Dark energy then anything else.
- Normal: Otherwise known as colorless (or simply white). Normal Pokémon could use any other energy and was a favorite of pedophiles. Players would purposely make all colorless decks, which was fucking retarded and they'd lose on purpose so they could be taught how to play by expert little girls.
IRL Controversies
- Many over-protective parents claim that Pokémon is harmful to their children, since it promotes cock-fighting and similarly violent hobbies, as well as encouraging the unholy practice of summoning demons to settle childhood disputes. On the other hand, the Pope has condoned Pokémon as being full of positive messages, but, of course, we all know that the Pope is a satanic, fish-hat wearing Mudkips-lover.
- Creationists complain that Pokémon teaches the young only about the theory of evolution, and not about the alternate theory of intelligent design, thereby educating them stupid. Funny how Pokémon has Arseus, a deer-thing that supposedly created all the Pokémon.
- Feminists complain that Pokémon is sexist, since all of its "best trainers" are male, just like real life amirite guiz?
- Pokémon allegedly promotes Nazism, since powerful Pokémon cards feature swastikas, and characters in the anime, such as Piplup, frequently
hail Hitler(DOWN). - Uri Geller tried to sue Nintendo over Kadabra, because it holds a spoon.
- Jynx used to be a nigga and shoop whoop but turned purple due to BAWWWWW
Typical Pokemon Fan
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Official Manga
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 I think Brock is a cool guy,eh steals penises and doesnt afraid of anything. |
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 Brock watches Jesse take a shit. |
Famous Pokémon
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Gotta catch 'em all!
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See also
- Agnph
- Gary Oak
- Cynthia (Because Nintendo obviously isn't sexist)
- Japanese Bug Fights (IRL Pokémon)
- Poképuns
- Pokedream
- Mewchan
- Pogs (similar fandom)
- Slash Firestorm (Rule 34s Pokémon and human beings)
- What is Brock? (The question that has plagued mankind for centuries)
Similar Anime
- Beyblade (If we can make a show about gay furry plushies that come to life, we can turn some fucking TOPS into one just as good!)
- Cardcaptor Sakura (The love child between Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh, for girls)
- Digimon (Complete ditto of Pokémon)
- Yu-Gi-Oh (A series about fucking cards)
- Zoids (This time it's about fucking giant robots)
External links
- Official Website
- Official TCG Website
- Typical fansite
- According to Wikipedia, Pokémon causes cancer
An entire gallery of poorly drawn Rule 34Account suspended- Bill Cosby on Pokémon
- Faggotry is power
- In the Pokémon world, everyone is Pomosexual
- Pokémon are real
- Pokémon Wiki
- Articles on Gold and Silver remakes
- Nintendo confirms Gold and Silver remakes
- BROCK WILL STEAL YOUR PENIS is a meme
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