Drunk
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —an average drunken person |
Drunk, is the best feeling a human can obtain besides high. Being drunk is the equivalent to cumming and eating at the same time. It makes IRL better, and the internets more entertaining. If you have nothing to do, wait, even if you have something to do, just get drunk and everything will be better. Chicks will think you are hotter, everyone looks better with drunk goggles. The only downsides to drunken-ness are: excessive urination, gratuitous involuntary protein spills, taking in calories, and a talkative personality. Blurred vision, inability to keep one's self upright and moodswings are often reported, though these are false.
Contents |
How to Get Drunk
If one seeks to become significantly intoxicated and is a resident of the US, one has a variety of methods at their disposal:
- Drink beer (must be less than 3% volume, not "proof" or some other faggoty.) Or wine (must be cheap and nasty californian white, you are probably too cheap to afford European. However as you can't drink, you will puke after 4 pints (2272 ml). Also, if at any time, you drink lite beer when anything else is available, you are a goddamn American.
- Drink liqueurs, recommended if you're fucking an elitist bitch. A step
abovebelow wine. Comes in every flavor you can fucking imagine & Legally between 30% &60% ABV. comes back up smooth, quick, & easy, however generally tastes like ethanol mixed with food colouring and perfume.
- Drink Spirits. Preferred for the ability to be carried in sufficient quantities to make you go blind. All of these taste like paint stripper & are often mixed with soft-drinks. It is not recomended to mix spirits each other or with anything else, unless its you in which case please do. Will fuck you up & fast.
- Drink jenkem, straight from the bottle. This makes you automatically drunk with unimaginable intoxication, unless you're Rick Santorum, in which case you're simply fucking gay AND you drink shit.
- Drink Whisky, or "Whiskey" if you're a Eurofag. Whiskey is basically beer with all possible Fail and AIDS removed via distillation. Unlike the VGRT options mentioned above it's not necessary to mix whiskey with anything if you have a scrotum, (unless its a small amount of ice). Results guaranteed.
-
Drink over-proof shitThere is no real reason to drink this crap, ever. And 'over-proof' is bullshit, the proper way to measure alcohol is ABV (or Alcohol By Volume.) But frat boys do to show how retarded they are, right before they drink themselves into a coma [[1]].
- In most southern states, moonshine is readily available at around $56 a gallon ($14/qt). Even on Thursdays. (Moonshine is alcohol distilled down to purity comprising solely of H20 + ethyl alcohol - the most potent of the potent. Soak said moonshine overnight in a mixture of fruit for best results.)
Things that may happen while you're drunk
- Attending a fraternity party as a sorority girl (Sidenote: One does not actually need to be a girl, as frat boys will date rape anything in a wig and high heels).
- Referring to the kind gifts of the visiting Spaniards as fire water.
- Fucking an ugly girl. Almost always though, it turns into more than one.
- Fucking a jar of mayonnaise.
- Hanging out with Sheneequa, but consider this a positive.
- Enjoying the blessings of homelessness.
- Turn into a nigger.
- Forgetting the order to leave the city.
- Becoming friends with a fellow drunk.
- Have sex with the same gender and claim to have regretted it, even though you crave it further.
- Go on Maury and tell everyone you're gonna have a baby.
- Give out your credit card details to Anonymous, after reading "HOLY SHIT IT FILTERS TO x".
- Rape a baby. Then eat it. Then throw it up, refry it and eat it again.
Keep in mind that every-fucking-thing you do while drunk will be filmed by the single sober asshole in the crowd & eventually end up on YouTube. Word of advice, wear clean drawers, and if in company, drink plenty of water.
Sex and Drunkenness
If you are drunk there is a 100% chance of getting raped whether you are male or female.
If you are male and drunk, one of three things may happen:
- You will receive a blowjob.
- You will give a blowjob, and secretly love it, you closeted fuck.
- You will be arrested the next day, unaware that your friend's decapitated body is still in your truck.
If you are female and drunk, two things may happen:
Racism and Drunkenness
While drunk, one may say whatever one likes without consequences. Obviously, this includes racist, homophobic and misogynistic comments one would never get away with under most other circumstances. Even if one is called out on such comments, it is frequently possible to excuse it all by statements such as "Sorry officer, I'm drunk!"
Driving
Whilst under alcohol's unending dominance, it is not uncommon for one's keys to find their way into the ignition of one's vehicle as the "designated driver" pukes vigorously into the glove compartment. It is also not uncommon to run stop signs, mow down aging yet insomniac grandmothers, children and family pets down in a forgotten 80mph daze, noticed only later by the blood-spattered windshield and police sirens the next morning.
If you get pulled over by the police for DWI, explain to the officer that you were too drunk to walk. Also be sure to piss on the officer's shoes (explain it's just to shower off the vomit you just upchucked). The officer will then follow you to your destination to ensure your safety.
ED IRC
It is widely believed that not only are at least half the channel's OPs drunk at any given time, but the server itself runs off of a mixture of Everclear, Goldschläger, and motor oil. This potent combination often results in the "Never drinking again" effect the following morning.
