Richard Nixon
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Richard Milhous Nixon a.k.a. Tricky Dick was the 37th president of the United States of America. Despite being annoyingly rabid about hating Lefties and other degenerates, he hailed, ironically enough, from the great state of Commiefornia. He is one of the few presidents America gives shit about, even though he was batshit insane and a terribly sad man with more personal demons than you and your parents put together.
Nixon is best remembered for his many achievements while in office: being in love with a Cocker Spaniel some random sycophant gave him, visiting Red China without vomiting on anyone, not being John F. Kennedy, only sort of being Lyndon Johnson, condoning a war that killed thousands with no definitive objection and for wiretapping everyone he knew (even himself) for no real reason. Our British friends fondly remember him for taking it hard in the ass from Sir David Frost, the God of their brand of journalism, live on network television.
Some years after his death, Nixon rose from the dead and spent several years playing a minor role on Futurama before landing a role in the epic movie version of Watchmen.
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Nixon: Troll President
Nixon was also the biggest IRL troll to ever occupy the White House. The following is a list of epic trolls that Nixon was involved in:
- Almost nuking Vietnam so he could watch them freak the fuck out.
- Trolling Kent State by having the National Guard shoot their students.
- Believed that the famous picture of Kim Phuc running down the street after her village had been napalmed was shopped. He could tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in his time.
- Trolled Democrats by hiring a bunch of people with weird names to penetrate the Democratic headquarters in DC to get secritz.
Nixon definitely knew that Jews were capable of doing WTC but he still hired many of them to work in his administration, including Henry Kissinger and Ben Stein. It can only be concluded that he did it for the lulz.
Watergate
On 17 June 1972, Nixon hired some Mexicans and Jews to rob the Democratic Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. His first mistake was assuming that a Democrat would own anything of value. His second was hiring Jews to do a nigga job. When the henchmen were spotted lurking into the hotel wearing recon armor and "We Heart Dick" buttons, they were detained and questioned. Being the experts of deceit they were, they claimed they had only done it for the free peanuts promised to them by an unknown transvestite they met in the lobby. The scandal would have blown over, had not famous porn star Linda Lovelace called Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward and handed over an incriminating series of tapes on which Nixon can clearly be heard ordering the imprisonment of anyone known to have snickered at his middle name.
Once the liberal media got a hold of this news, no zone was free of spin. Nixon cried to Henry Kissinger, who took his moneys and told him to go into hiding. In the end, he decided to resign the presidency, effective at noon tomorrow. He was pried from The Oval Office with an iron stick of liberal +10 summoning (now owned and masturbated with by Keith Olbermann) and dumped on the White House lawn with orders never to return.
The Tapes
Nixon loved wiretapping people so much, he put recording devices throughout the White House and tapped his own phone lines so he could remember everything he talked about. When the tapes of intimate private discussions between Nixon and his chief advisers were made public, people were fascinated by the drama and lulz. Never before had average American citizens been privy to the inner workings of government.
Nixon and The Jews
Nixon: Well, listen, are they all Jews over there?
Colson: Every one of them. Well, a couple of exceptions.
Nixon: See my point? You know goddamn well they’re out to kill us.
Nixon, Drugs...and The Jews
Nixon: Now, this is one thing I want. I want a Goddamn strong statement on marijuana. Can I get that out of this sonofabitching, uh, Domestic Council?
Haldeman: Sure.
Nixon: I mean one on marijuana that just tears the ass out of them. I see another thing in the news summary this morning about it. You know it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob, what is the matter with them? I suppose it's because most of them are psychiatrists, you know, there's so many, all the greatest psychiatrists are Jewish. By God we are going to hit the marijuana thing, and I want to hit it right square in the puss.
Nixon on Abortion
| —Richard Nixon, The tapes |
The Missing Tape
According to David Frost and his cohorts, Richard Nixon deleted 18 minutes of tape in which he laid down the foundation for the WTC attack plans, told his aides who shot JFK, explained in great detail the UFOs being kept at Area 51 in New Mexico, had a viewing of the behind the scenes footage of the first lunar landing in 1969 and reviewed aloud the ingredients of the brain control supplements the government puts into the tap water.
The Death of Nixon
After being ejected from the White House like shit from your asshole the night after you ate Thai food, Nixon packed up his wife and rode his golf cart back to his Spanish villa on the Pacific Ocean in California, where he spent the next several years praying, crying, being interviewed by David Frost and planning his eventual and triumphant return. His bitches were sent to court and questioned by the Senate until they all eventually self-pwned or went missing. In an act of kindness to his predecessor, President Gerald Ford gave Mr. Nixon a "full and complete pardon," meaning Nixon could nevar evar be put on trial for any alleged wrongdoing. He died in 1994 and was buried in secret so his grave could not be defiled. His last words were "Dammit, Henry!"
I Am Not A Gallery
 Tricky Dick: the original Decepticon. |
 Ironic, since American clearly didn't want him. |
 Again ironic, as that's exactly what the American people forced him to do. |
 Nixon responds to news of the My Lai Massacre. |
 The Crucinixion: the only sins he died for were his own. |
 Nixon was a pretty cool guy. |
 A few of the greatest minds in America's history. |
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See Also
