New Jersey
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
New Jersey (moar like JEW Jersey- amirite?) is a small suburb of New York City and Philadelphia. It is known locally as the The Garbage State for being entirely made up of New York City's garbage. It is known nationally as The Armpit of America. The area itself has nothing going for it, other than its proximity to New York City. There are rumors that New Jersey is in fact recognized as a state of the United States of America. This fact, however, is easily refuted by the existence of Puerto Rico as the 50th state.
Many people in New Jersey take pride in being total loud-mouthed, douchebag assholes. Their MySpace pages say so, at least 100 times (literally). They will brag to you about "being able to buy a tailor-ham and cheese at 3 in the morning", or referring to where they live as their exit off the turnpike or the parkway, and other totally awesome things relevant only to people living in the armpit.
New Jersey boasts some of the safest cities and towns in the nation, including Trenton, Newark, Irvington, Elizabeth, Camden, Willingboro, Asbury Park, Lakewood, Camden and Millville.
People living in New Jersey are officially known as Asphalt Niggers. It is also said that the true American 'South' starts in South Jersey.
New Jersey is taxed dry by Communist dictator, Jon Corzine. Taxes are raised every 5 2.5 seconds.
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[edit] Economy
The backbone of the New Jersey economy is full-service gas stations. To maintain their competitive edge in the face of cheaper and more efficient self-service gas stations, the "state" has outlawed the pumping of one's own gas altogether, thanks to the senseless political initiatives of former State Governor and cunt, Christie Todd Whitman. This has assured New Jersey's place as the world-leader in Gas Station attendants. Most gas stations are owned and operated by Indians and Pakistinkies who tries to scam you and not give full service, which is supposed to include cleaning your windshield, but will take your full payment.
The "state" is also known for its incredibly high-yield of self-indulgent faux-artistic suburban angst, and since the 2004 release of the movie Garden State(more like shit trash state), New Jersey has produced a consistent bumper crop. Many expect this to continue as a trend as more of New Jersey's copious strip malls add Hot Topic stores.
The shoreline holds a number of exciting opportunities, such as Atlantic City, the actual factual location of Hell. Further up the coast is Asbury Park, the original site and continued example of Fail.
[edit] Main Exports
1. The Sopranos
2. Did I say the Sopranos yet?
3. hmmmmmmmmm......
4. I don't think I've put the Sopranos yet
5. The Sopranos just in case it hasn't already been said
6. Hmmm... What else, What else?
7. Oh yeah, and Guidos
8. Motley Crue
9. Chucky the Killer Doll
10. Chlamydia
11. Cranberries
12. Former U.S. President and lying, spying fuck, Richard Nixon
13. Kirsten Dunst
14. The fastest driving governor in the country.
15. Bloodsucking, money grubbing, moral-less, parasites
16. Diners. A FUCKLOAD OF DAMN DINERS
17. ????
18. Profit!
Wait, nevermind. The Sopranos suck now.
[edit] Main Imports
[edit] Culture
New Jersey has many artists. The only real one is Kevin Smith DISREGARD THAT SUCK COCKS ETC, whose movies include Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, and Clerks II. Also known as slacker/stoner movies.
There really is a White Castle in New Brunswick. Really. And it's open. Or it should be. This is why the air in New Brunswick smells of burger farts, by the way.
White supremacist pariah and occasional 7chan victim Hal Turner is also a proud New Jersey resident.
Nick Gavron, internet KKK leader, who often dishes out pwnage on MySpace, resides in New Jersey as well.
There is a fat kid named Gary that lives in New Jersey as well. He attempts to keep the very meme that made him famous, alive.
People from New Jersey cannot leave New Jersey for too long because they need a certain amount of pollution mixed in the air in order to breathe. Incidentally, this is why the noose craze began after Jena Six: because New Jerseyans saw nooses and considered them to be breathing aids.
They also live off diner food and ultra oily fish, as indicated by the many Chinatown wannabe stores.
Currently, New Jersey is nicknamed "New Joizy". This phrase is constantly used by every single person that resides there.
[edit] Getting Around
Instead of roads, New Jerseyans prefer to connect their homes, schools and friendly neighborhood stores (Borders, White Castle, etc.) with a complex matrix of superhighways. Only addresses on streets such as I-78, I-80, 287, the Parkway, the Turnpike (I-95) and similar routes are allowed by law, except in South Jersey where an occasional dirt road sponsored by the KKK is acceptable. The state usually requires a toll in tokens change to make more people buy EZ-pass, or EZ-pass itself to enter your own driveway.
New Jersey has also outlawed the left turn and replaced it with jughandles and cloverleaves (a shade better than their first attempt, accident circles). Why go through the traffic light and the intersection once when you can enjoy it all over again and go through it a second time?
NJ's car insurance rates are unmatched, but public transportation is unavailable unless you're (a) a Rutgers student going to class, (b) a Nigger or Spic, or (c) traveling to New York City or Philadelphia. (This is also true of most of the United States, and thus it's a sucky country.) To make up for the extra cost of driving, we advise going extra fast, recklessly and abrasively, to save precious seconds from your busy life. Loud, patriotic decals covering your rear window is a plus.
Though driving on said superhighways is the only reliable and effective way to get around this wonderful state, its practical governor keeps deciding to make everything about driving an even bigger pain in the ass. Alongside passing various laws that limit what people can and can't do while driving, and lowering the speed limit, Whorezine decided it would be a crackerjack idea to try and hike the taxes on the tolls to 800% of what they are now. No exaggeration. Fortunately the people of Jersey figured out what bullshit is by that time, and voted against the hike. Good jorb!
[edit] Great Moments in New Jersey History
1664: Two English rowboats under the command of Colonel Richard Nicolls single-handedly took over the entire colony by grimacing 'in a manner most foul and uncouth.' The area was subsequently granted its present name.
1967: Newark Riots occurred, a bunch of Niggers went nuts and burnt down their own homes. Lots of LULZ were had by white people who never lived in those neighborhoods to begin with.
Present Day: The "state" presently exists.
[edit] "State" "Facts"
"State" Abbreviation - NJ
"State" Language - New Jersey has no official language. Instead, Jerseyians communicate through a series of improvisational whoops and hollers.
"State" Capital - New York City
Largest "City" - Skaggsville, which is also the winner of the 2004 'All-American Town Name Award.'
Area - 22,608 ft²
Population - 8,350, consisting of wannabe New Yorkers and Suburban posers mostly. However, recent observations reveal a rise in anime fan wannabes such as you. This is indicated by the Pokemanz and Yugino hairstyles (mostly Misty and Honda|Tristen), and people who dress and act like the average Narutard.
Coordinates for Bombing Runs - Lat:38°55'N to 41°21'23"N Long:73°53'39"W to 75°35'W
"State" Motto - Litterers shall be fined and prosecuted to the full extent of the Law!
"State" Mammal - Three-towed Suburban Sloth
"State" Flower - Asphalt
"State" Racist - Hal Turner
Fuckable "Women" - None
"Residents" - Jack
"State" Dance - Guido Frolick
Most Millionaire Houses in the Nation - High property taxes on shitty shacks, lulz.
"State" Song
[edit] Nudity
New Jersey is also home to the Incest Nudist Colony of the Rock Lodge Club located in Northern New Jersey in the New Jersey Highlands. Why anyone would want to get nekkid in New Jersey or let alone be around other nekkid New Jersians is beyond human comprehension?
[edit] Famous Residents
Ashley Tisdale (Singer, Actress, Destroyer of Rickroll)
Bruce Springsteen (Singer, BORN in the USA)
Bon Jovi (Singer, Fag)
The Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Master Shake, Meatwad and Frylock)
Carl Brutananadilewski (Next door neighbor to the Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Frank Sinatra (Singer,Pimp,Gangsta)
Jon Stewart (Stephen Colbert's bitch)
The Sopranos
The New Jersey Devil, a bizarre creature that live in the forested Pine Barrens.
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