Naruto
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Sasuke (often referred to as "Brokeback Mountain, with more ninja") is an animu about tranny ninjas. It tells the tale of a half-emo, half-demon ninja teen struggling to be accepted into society. These ninja, however, are not the kind that flip out and kill people. Instead, they are the kind that spew gay shit and rape each other. With a plot that lame, experts agree that this series is way too retarded to have lasted over 300 episodes on its own, lending weight to the theory that the Japs use animu as a form of mind control over Wapanese basement-dwellers and 16 year old girls. (Some argue this is achieved through use of the ninja headband's spiral: one look and any idiot will be hypnotized into joining the ranks of the sasutarded.) Regardless, the automatic adoration of slash writers everywhere was assured in the first episode, where Sasuke convinced the creator into allowing him to make out with Mysterious Person X. This so allowed them to be on boyskissing. BELIEVE IT!!!
This already shitty animu has fagged itself up even further by including more than 80 shitty filler episodes (i.e. repetitive flashbacks, unnecessary talk and explanations of fake chakra physics). Attempting to sit through all of them is the #2 cause of weeaboo suicide (#1 being a tie between the Japanaids and Emos). It has sort of made up for the massive amounts of fail from fillers by introducing the new series Sasuke: Shitpooden. Sasuke is one of the queerest anime in existence, second only to One Piece. It is most notable for its use of instant-tranny ninja, and on several occasions the main character has defeated his opponents by several obscene motions, naked underage girl transformations, farting, ill-described transgressions and pure dumb luck. These amazing abilities can also be used to get his way, as evident in the Jiraiya chapters.
Legend has it that there may actually be female characters in this series. However, closer investigation has proven to show that most female characters either further retard their existence, or die. Any further attempts to inseminate the existence of girls in this series will be met with swift and immediate reprisal. It should also be noted that this anime has no actual Japanese martial arts, but is composed entirely of pathetic Jackie Chan imitations and poorly recreated Chinese Martial Arts. Also, there are no Jews, Negros, Arabs or even Asians in the show either, but you knew that already because it's animu and animu was created by Hitler in 1972 as a racist propaganda tool. BELIEVE IT!!
Sasuke causes 13 year olds to become brainwashed, and walk around doing the gay little hand movements that the Sasuke people do, and competing over "WHO CAN DOO THE PWNZOREST HAND MOVEMENT THING".
According to press reports, Sasuke is "a cartoon about sand ninjas (...) on television".[1]
Contents |
[edit] Characters
There are too many characters in Sasuke to list because its creator has fucking ADHD, so just know that pretty much everyone has a Dark Past ©, is an orphan, and has a power level of over 9000. The creator seems to have made a conscious decision to include every fucking animu archetype know to man, proving what a retarded moron he is.
Some more notable characters include:
- Sasuke : (Moar like Sasgay, amirite?): The typical obnoxious animu protagonist emo kid that everyone hates. The resident emo fag. Every pedo for miles is attracted to his sweet young ass, but a Michael Jackson impersonator and his man servant seem to have dibs on popping his anal cherry. Mysterious Person X, the resident king of the faggots, has declared his undying love for Sasgay and chases after him for half of the story. In fact, that's the entire plot of Sasuke. Blond furry fag chases dark haired emo fag. Thus far Sasuke's only interesting attributes include the ability to plagiarize other ninja’s powers, predict the random movement of gay attackers and start up a cry of emo agony, a.k.a Chidori, the sound of 1000 wrist cuts. Recent story progression in Sasuke Shitpooden has revealed him to have the ability to strike fear into the hearts of gay, ill-clothed and unfortunate emos. Further plot developments indicate that Sasuke wasted his life has been trying to kill his brother, when he was apparently a good guy the whole time.
- Mysterious Person X : Sasuke's sidekick and comedy relief. Currently hunting Pedobear. Mysterious Person X's name translates to "Juba the Baghdad Sniper" from the original Terroristspeak and frequently gets possessed by a big-assed demon fox. Seriously, why do Japs like this shit? He wears orange, because everyone knows that orange is the best camoflauge. None of the ninjas on this show are allowed to wear black. The other Ninjas wear pink, or green. His emo-furry powers are over 9000. Too bad he’s too retarded to use them, preferring instead to create an army of shadow clones and watch as his enemy picks them off one by one with bones and/or lightning balls. His most awesomest catchphrase is "Dattebayo!" which means jack shit in Wapanese, but has been translated by Viz Media as "BELIEVE IT!!!!11ONE" What a bunch of fags. He is also proclaimed as a flaming gay homosexual. Right next to life partner, Sasgay Smoocheeda.
UPDATE!: Mysterious Person X has been found out as a person named Naruto! He is of course a fag for when Sasuke is kicked out of the show after episode 9000, Naruto goes chasing after his hot piece of ass for at least 100 episodes. This, of course, deprived weeboos of their natural fap material, so they bring Sasuke back every few episodes.
- Sakura : A Pinky dyke who fiends for Sasuke’s dick and is constantly PMSing. She yearns to become a man, though also considers faking it. She is 100% worthless, even as fanservice. The only people who like her are the pedophiles who fantasize about raping her. Her skills are limited to getting the shit kicked out of her body, severe PMS and super lesbian-strength as revealed by recent Shitpooden episodes.
- Kakashi : Sasuke’s /b/tard teacher (or, as Viz prefers to say, his Master). He may at first seem to be a fry cry towards cool, but proves to be a horny fucker who seriously needs to get laid. When he's not fapping to Meatspin, he enjoys training his students in the ways of kancho. Unlike Mexicans, he can copy other ninja's powers (unoriginal fag), but uses his dead boyfriend's eyes to do so.
- Gaara : Not just a sand nigger, but listens to Nine Inch Nails and was kicked out of Runescape due to lack of sexual awareness and unwillingness to give Zezima a blowjob. Also the only person more emo than Sasuke. He's so emo, the emo makeup around his eyes can't be removed, even with fire, and in a flashback as child he tries to cut himself. Gaara suffers from severe mental problems and makes past more Doom levels than Eric Harris. He has been known to shout random cuss words while proving unable to cut himself like a normal emo person. Evil sand prevents him from doing so. Sometimes, he transforms into a raccoon, which gives him the power to take a nap while his alter ego resident emo kills people, something which the original Gharra (Arabic for shit) could already do anyway.
- Kankuro : A fat tubby goth with a shit load of makeup on his face. He is Gaara and Temari's mongoloid looking brother. Once got a splinter in his dick from one of his wooden puppets. Invented the real doll because he wasn't getting laid any other way.
- Temari : A manly looking dyke. Older sister to Gaara and Kankuro, who carries around a massive dildo on her back. Attracted to Shikamaru because he looks like a girl and enjoys fucking him in the ass with her giant black strapon.
- Shikamaru : Obviously a Jew due to his high intellect and predisposition to complain about everything. Some fag determined his IQ to be over 9,000 after taking a stupid online quiz. According to experts he is fucking Gaara's lesbian sister Temari, his dead teacher's pregnant whore Kurenai, and that blonde slut on his team who nobody cares about. Kills a religious nut for not paying his taxes.
- Ino : An ugly anorectic blonde slut who tries everything to get Sausegay's gay AIDS covered dick into her pussy. Is in a rivalry with the pink dyke Sakura over who can be a bigger cunt.
- Chouji : Fat token kid. He wears panties on his head and eats.
- Asuma : Hangs out with Shikamaru for a while because noone else likes him. He gets killed by Hidan. That was a spoiler by the way.
- Hinata Hyuuga : A shy, timid, and mentally retarded girl with zero talent beyond the ability to appear in numerous poorly drawn hentai pics. She also wants it in the ass from Naruto, but is too damn retarded to tell him that. This fact is the very basis of her character. She has the fighting ability of a wet sponge and a personality to match.
- Kiba : A dog fucking retard and furfag who tried desperately to beat the shit out of Naruto, but ended up getting pwned by Naruto's own ramen-fart. Is also obsessed with bestiality and rapes his male dog Akamaru, in an attempt to have a child.
- Shino : A fucking drugdealer and homeless person. Has a shit load of cockroaches in his body which he eats when he can't find food in any garbage can. Believes showering is for fags. The smell from his cum covered crotch can kill most men.
- Kurenai : Shino, Kiba, and Hinata's sensei. She gets knocked up by Asuma before he gets killed. Oh, yeah that was a spoiler too, my bad.
- Neji Hyuuga : It IS his DESTINY to be an emo faggot who whines about being born into the shitty more inbred side of his family. Even fails at being an emo fag when compared to Gaara and Sasgay. He has a swastika tattoo on his forehead, cause he's a goddamn Nazi and is secretly obsessed with his little retarded cousin Hinata, wanting to put his cock where she wants Sasuke to put his.
- Tenten : There is no Tenten. There never was. Deal.
- Rock Lee : Look at his eyebrows! He's a FUCKING NERD. His favorite person in the world is his teacher, Might Guy. Mr. Guy is an older homosexual who enjoys raping Lee in the ass as a form of male bonding. This pederastic relationship is the only example of true love in the animu.
- Orochimaru : A failed Michael Jackson clone. However, they still share a few common traits: 1) 50-somethingyears old; 2) Make-up on a pasty face; 3) Long, black, greasy-ass hair; 4) Effeminate voice; 5) Cannot function without the sustinence of fresh 13-year-old boys. Uses his dark powers to revive from the grave a number of powerful pedo leaders for his army, such as Saddam Hussein, Mr. Rogers, and Hitler (Hitler's coffin never allowed his exit however, since the jews used their jew magic to seal it). Loves to give young boys steroids and tattoo them with his bitch seal, but only if they play hard to get. This bitch seal turns them into Otherkin. Even Chris Hansen fears Orochimaru. Orochimaru on a Plane was never funny.
- Tsunade : A woman that is forced to wage constant battle against gravity in order to stay upright, Tsunade has gigantic boobs that are, in fact, a vacuous hole in which a smattering of objects has disappeared since last thursday, including Masashi Kishimoto's moped,Your Mom and your pr0nz. She has a diamond shaped seal on her forehead that serves to let her legions of AZN worshippers know where to aim. In the Parley of 2008, it has been made official that Tsunade is a complete slut after Jetdahawk beatdown the ass of BestBryan chan in Halo 3
- Sai : Gayer than Richard Simmons sucking Lance Bass's cock while getting ass fucked by Dougie Howser. It is universally accepted that everyone hates Sai. Except Zhen, who hates High School Musical more.
- The Akatsuki : Some gangbanger yakuza shits whose collective goal is to capture all the furries and sacrifice them to Pein's 9-eyed freak summon in order to take over the world while maintaining their perfect manicures. Everyone in the Akatsuki (weeaboo for “Dawn”) has a power level of over 9 bazillion, which is bullshit considering how most of them have been taken out by 15 year old boys equipped only with their own sheer faggotry.
- Itachi : Sasuke’s molester older brother and psycho who murdered his whole fucking clan. It seemed at first he’d pwnt them just for the lulz, but it was later found out that
he did it to make himself more desirable to SaucegayLOL HE KILLED THE CLAN CAUSE HE WAS THE GOOD GUY ALL ALONG ZOMG1!11 (Damn the long arm of the plot.) Years of masturbating to bestiality porn have rendered him blind. Now he'll never be able to see Sasgay suck his cock. He is also in your base, stealing Klondike bars and butt dildos to bring back to Chris Crocker for their night of buttsecks 'Cause he can. [[2]]
- Sasori : A thirty five year old angry midget who turned himself into a living puppet after someone posted something mean about him on his Myspace. He was such an emo fag that both his parents killed themselves to get away from him. Allows himself to get pwned by his Grandma and that pink dyke Sakura.
- Deidara : She's actually a SHEMALE with a HUGE penis!! She makes boys horny with her girly look. Girls that find her attractive are obviously dykes. When not using her tranny looks to kill folks, she makes them explode with her clay dollies. She refers to Sasori as "Master" because he is her bondage master. Blows herself up after finding out that fag Sasgay is the new main character.
- Kakuzu : Is the self-proclaimed Akatsuki treasurer. He is regarded to be at least 100 years old and had a fight with the First Hoe-kagay last Thursday. He is pretty damn boring until he turns into a tentacle monster and rapes everyone. He eventually gets pwned by Sasuke's most recent fucktarded power-up.
- Hidan : Kakuzu's inbred white supremacist lover. Worships an evil god called Dick Cheney that gives him candy in exchange for the blood of negro babies. Believes Shikamaru is black because he is lazy and shiftless(HAR HAR!). Tries to lynch him, but the dude was actually a chink. Because all azns know kung fu, Hidan gets the shit kicked out of him, dies, and goes to KKK heaven.
- Kisame : A really, really, REALLY fucked-up merman with a huge sword and gills. He has to STEAL maidens viking style because he is too fucking ugly to get any chicks. He is also into Dolphinsex.
- Zetsu : Hey, remember the movie Little Shop of Horrors? About the giant plant that eats people? It starred Rick Moranis for Christ's sake! How could you not? Well the jap that writes Sasuke ripped them off and created this crap.
- Konan : A goth chick with blue hair who's the leader's bitch. Bought her piercings from Hot Topic when they had a 15% off sale. In what might be the lamest power ever, uses origami to fight. Obviously a trap.
- Pein : The Akatsuki leader. Apparently even moar emo than Sasuke or Gaara, and has an even moar powerful eye-based ability than the former. His penis is most likely pierced in multiple places as a result of his unparalleled lameness. Sasutards everywhere agree... Kishimoto has jumped the shark on this one. Hopefully this will lead to the series' horrible flaming death.
- Suigetsu : When Sasgay decided to be all dramatic and shit, he realized he needed a fucked-up merman like Itachi had. HOWEVER. Since Sasgay was poor, he had to settle on Suigetsu, a faggy vampire looking dude who is after Kisame's huge sword.
- Juugo: Another member of Sasgay's stupid patrol, Juugo is a tall ugly ginger who gets off on killing people and talking to birds. He went along with Sasgay's spiralling-downwards-into-madness ways only because Sasgay reminded him of his dead boyfriend, Kimimaro.
- Karin: The final-ish member of Team Sasgay, Karin is known as a two-faced bitch who wants Sasgay's fucked up children more than Sakura. This is, indeed, a fact. Hopefully, someone will shove her in an oven and we can all be happy again.
- Madara and His Fat-Lipped Brother: The first of the Smoocheda Clan, named mostly because of Big Lip Boy's fucking big lips. They were really close, but Madara had to poke out his brother's eyes because Lippy had a baaaad taste in whores and Madara happened to be the world's premier pimp. Madara went on to lose all his bitches in a game of rock-paper-scissors with the first Hokagay. He then went batshit nuts, and turned into Tobi, the magical Candyophile.
- Bob: A very rarely seen character, this person is lost in the background in every scene they are in because of the overwhelming fucking volume of Sasuke characters to begin with. This character died in a man-orgy that occurred off-camera in the states because of the primitive censorship laws.
- Tobio: 'god' of all 16 year old girl yaoi enthusiasts, especially those of the 'SasuNaru' variety. Appearing in only 1 episode Tobio is the cause of 1 000 000 fanfictions. He continues to be worshipped by communites such as BoyWhoPushedNaru-FCon DevianTART
- Pedobear: The manliest character in the show even thought he is gay. Pedobear is often seen in flashbacks of Sasuke's childhood raping little children. The reason Sasuke is a retard and a emo bitch is because Pedobear raped him. In this recent chapters it was revealed that in the past Pedobear was trying to rape the Nine Tailed Fox that lives inside Naruto. The Fox was scared and he hid inside a American boy who was being donated to the village of gays also known as the leaf village. When the Pedobear found out about this he invited his frineds over and gangraped Naruto so the fox would come out but nothing happened. Pedobear was filled with rage causing him to Goatse himself and die.
One would think with all these uber-powerful characters, people would realize what ridiculous shit Sasuke is and stop watching, but of course the weeaboos eat it right up.
[edit] Hentai themes in Sasuke
Of course Sasuke is a children’s program, and therefore includes such family-friendly content as:
- kancho
- BDSM
- shotacon and lolicon
- watersports and scat
- tentacle rape
- incest
- yaoi
- bestiality
- necrophilia
- shibari
- futanari
- beastiality
- People randomly screaming out "WHAMMY!!!"
Surprisingly, no guro has made an appearance in the show, but it’s probably only a matter of time. Unsurprisingly, the underlying sexuality has spawned countless Naruto sex quizzes and erotic flash animations.
The following are made of 100% FACT:
 BECAUSE HE FUCKING CAN. |
 Huge fucking tentacles. |
 A scene from the animu where Kakashi makes his dog-slaves rape his enemy. |
 Shotacon, necrophilia, and ninjas, together at last. |
 Deidara adresses /b/ |
 Soon after this page was published, it was discovered that Sasuke was actually drawn by Pedobear. |
 BEHOLD MY NINJA POWERS!!1 |
|
 Even most fanart doesn't cover as many hentai themes as the new opening. |
 Upcoming scene in Sasuke Shitpooden. |
 Naruto proves child molestation is a two-way street. |
 Not even Angelina Jolie is safe in this manga. |
 Some overweight fangirl is probably masturbating to this. |
 Thieving bastards. |
 He's looking at child porn. |
|
 Cannibalism: Taking it too far? Naw. |
[edit] In Conclusion
Sasuke is full of lame-ass flashbacks and retarded dialogue only to draw out the series more, and more, and more. There is the occasional fight, but in most cases they are incredibly full of shit that you might as well not even bother for watching for a decent fight. If you like whiny, emo, slow-as-fuck and boring shows with piss-poor dialogue and appeal toward an audience of 8 year olds who have been in the womb of a drug addict, then Sasuke is for you. But even otaku with any brains in their heads also have the sense to h8.
This is what a typical Sasuke episode is like:
- (Mysterious Person X, Sakura, Sai, and Yamato run through a forest on endless trees)
- (Show an opening filled with Yaoi)
- (Zoom at Mysterious Person X's face for two minutes)
- Mysterious Person X(Thinking to himself): "Sasuke!"
- (Flashback about Sasuke)
- (Zoom at Sakura's face for another two minutes)
- Sakura(Looking at Mysterious Person X): "Sasuke..."
- (Flashback about something that happened in the previous episode)
- (Zoom at Sai's face for another two minutes)
- (Then Sai does something gay)
- (Zoom at Yamato's face for another two minutes)
- Yamato: "..."
- (Zoom out to show them jumping on trees for two minutes)
- (Zoom back at Mysterious Person X)
- (Repeat 3 times)
- (The End)
- (NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW: Mysterious Person X JUMPS IN MORE TREES AND MORE FLASHBACKS ABOUT SASUKE WILL BE SHOWN)
Also, it has been reported that Michael Jackson has joined the Sasutard fanclub and has even started holding Jesus Juice cosplay at Annie May conventions.
[edit] Rating
- Action: 0!!!! NO ACTION WHATS SO EVER!!!! NONE! ZIPPO! STOP FOOLING YOURSELF!!!!!!!
- Lulz: 7 for extreme angst
- Furry Gayness: 8 (Enough 'he turns into a half-fox and fucks a guy' fanfiction to choke a horse)
PLENTY OF BUTTSEX, HOWEVAR!
[edit] Videos
Sasutard fucking hate this
Liked that one? Heres moar with DYNAMIC ENTRY!!
Most people who really like Sasuke actually think this is funny, and hide comments that critique the flash animation, saying: "u r so mean this is one of the best animations ive ever seen! >=("
- are you fucking kidding me, someone finds that shit flash video enjoyable? its enjoyable for those who are infected with aids and retards, or retards with aids. epic fail.
The show has influenced so much children that it makes the media talk about it. LOOK AT HOW DISTURBING THE IMAGES ARE!!1!
There are more videos about mary sue Sakura recolors then there are actual AMVs. Troll for the lulz.
- OMG HOW DARE YOU CALL IT A CARTOON, ITS A JAPANESE ANIME!! (typical response of the wapanese who fucking think kawaii desu ne is the fucking holy grail, but a great lulz getter when you also butcher the word manga too for kicks.)
[edit] See also
- 13-year-old boys
- 16-year-old girls
- Dynamic Entry
- Isison
- Sasutard
- Kraken's ghost
- Codey Porter
- uchiha-steven
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Naruto is part of a series on Anime. |
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