Ronald Reagan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
A Ronald Reagan is a natural disaster that is believed to occur when a dumbass Hollywood reject decides that the intellectual strain associated with being a B-list celebrity is unbearable and instead devotes himself to a career in politics, creating a drone cult consisting of devoted followers who share in his desire to fuck up the world Reagan followers are rightly quick to call out Obamabots for their sad devotion to a typical politician. The problem arises when they fail to realize the irony in criticizing Obama and giving head to Reagan.
Serving as the Führer and the 40th President of the United States, or Fourth Reich, Reagan is fondly remembered for being at least 100 feet tall. He was a hideous old fart with a disgusting, leaking bowel system. He served two terms, from 1980 to 1984, and then again from 1984 to bedtime. He is widely remembered by conservatives and Republicans to be an hero. However, the poor people did not remember him at all, because he starved them to death.
Thanks to his sponsorship of Terrorism, Ronald Reagan single-handedly destroyed communism forever, ensured the prosperity of the filthy rich, and saved Jesus from the Jews. Born Herschel Jewlowitz III, to loving father Herschel II, a fucking kike pimp, and Marylin "I takes it how you wants to give it to me" Kykesavage. His father was a ruthless pimp, and a stern father. Ronnie would say in his biography, "After a while I got used to the merciless anal poundings perpetrated by my father. But the hemorrhoids and emotional scars remain."
There is so much badass in Ronald Reagan, noone can deny. He is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of presidency, but cooler.
In his early years, Reagan was an underground porn actor. His best-known film is probably Godless Homo 3, the story of a young man receiving a massive semen communion for a full 120 minutes. In the 1970s, Reagan successfully ran for Governor of California. At this point his tits had grown to a full C. After winning, he allegedly stated "I've seen more than most people my age. I need to shave my boobs every day, but boy does it pay off. Now where did that child prostitute go?"
Because of his racist beliefs, Reagan wanted to build nuclear space weapons to kill non-Aryans on the moon. His scheme was hindered by hippie perverts. He also tried to kill non-whites by eliminating welfare, as he knew that only black people need it because they are so goddamn poor.
In late 1980, he invented AIDS for the lulz. He once dressed as an aardvark and plucked a banjo in an abandoned laundromat.
He is universally recognized as an innovator in American politics, having made being blatantly racist, sexist, and indifferent to basic human rights an acceptable national platform.
He was subject of an assassination attempt by a four year old asshole in 1981, after which he was clinically dead for about two weeks. Kept alive with melted goose pumped into his veins, he was finally revived by radioactive wisdom sucked from Hitler's ancient, preserved cervix.
After his 1988 resignation, Reagan regressed into total senility, to the entertainment of his close relatives. He was often made to believe his name was "Pure AIDS", "Smelly Balls" or "Freddie Mercury's Big Plump Slut". They also duped him into eating non-Aryan children, something his deeply racist pre-Alzheimer self never would have agreed to.
He initiated unprecedentedly severe drug enforcement laws, which said that you could be given a life sentence in 45 states if you were found with so much as a hemp seed in your pocket. These laws were only enforced in the event that the involved person was nigra. Whites were set free if arrested at all, unless they were poor, in which case they are considered nigra anyway and treated accordingly. The plan was officially called "Operation Get Darky". He also made sure that the private prisons made lots of money by having the CIA import enormous amounts of drugs from whatever foreign country they were raping and pillaging at the time. The drugs were then pushed by the government into the American cities that Reagan had deliberately impoverished, as an attractive menace to people who are struggling to so much as buy bread. Some might call this federal entrapment, others praised the actions as strong leadership from a president who was “cleaning up” the country (most Reagan supporters were just happy that he was able to start putting niggers in prison where they belong). Supplying both the problem and the solution in one this way was considered very innovative for the time, and served as a model for all subsequent administrations.
In the summer of 2004, President Reagan passed away after choking on a bukkake smorgasbord provided by David Hasselhof, Ann Coulter, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and several others. A good way to troll conservatives is to tell them about the party you had when he died. He is today worshiped by many necrophiliacs as the Greatest President ever and/or God.
| —Ronald Reagan, trolling the world |
Contents |
Alzheimer's Disease
Ronald Reagan was a member of the Democratic Party until he caught a nasty case of Alzheimer's Disease from the Cult of the Dead Cow. As a result, he switched to the Republican Party. It wasn't until after he was done being President that his affliction was revealed. Few public sightings of Reagan occurred after that, but it is said that he increasingly resembled a bewildered and confused cross between Marmaduke and The Crypt Keeper.
It was also suggested that Margaret Thatcher was responsible for his demise though poisnoning, being pissed he'd chosen Nancy. Maggie (Hatchet Face) ought to have shaved her hairy tits before trying to seduce him
Claims to fame
- C-List Actor
- Governor of California
- President of the United States
- BFF to Mickey Mouse and Margaret Thatcher
- Grand Wizard of the KKK (only briefly before he created AIDS)
- Largest Distributor of Crack in the United States
- Invaded and killed over 9000 people in Nicaragua
- Thought he was a cowboy and wasn't the last US President to believe that.
- Banger of Nancy Reagan's skull
- Invented AIDS to take out the nigras and fags.
- Rescued Jimmy Carter from the Iranians
- Was kidnapped by ninjas, but rescued by the Bad Dudes.
- Taught us all how to love again, lol
- Invented hair metal
- Single-handedly knocked down the Berlin Wall with two karate-chops
- While alive, he enjoyed hiding in trees by candy shops, then jumping out and raping the small children that walked by.
RNC study
| —Dr. J Graham Ballard, King's College of Cambridge University |
External links
Sadly, his LiveJournals are almost completely bare:
Which leaves the question, "who is sitting on all the potentially funniest LiveJournal names?" Dude, rich lulz are at hand - seize the lulz!
Related articles
- Republican
- Russia
- W - child spawn and clone administration
- Michael Reagan - adopted son and all around fucktard
