Myah Walker

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

This article is a nominee for best article in the history of ED. You can vote for it to make it to the next round here.

This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT BABY FAITH IS DEAD!!!!1

DEATH TO THE MUTANT!

DEATH TO THE HERETIC!

THE EMPEROR PROTECTS!

Looks just like mummy!

Feels absolutely nothing at all, man.

If we here at ED ever needed a ringing endorsement for abortion, the story of Faith Hope is the closest we have come in a long time.

An innocent post on Something Awful about the love of a psycho for her brainless child brought out strange feelings of sympathy and disgust among Goons in regards to the story of poor Myah Walker, 23-year-old single mom of a special needs kid with anencephaly. Goons, being a compassionate lot, decided to dig a little deeper into this fabulous, tawdry soap opera of a fundie pro-life girl and her meatsack.

Twenty-some pages later, they struck gold.

Jesus Loves Me! I think...

What a lovely adulterous fundie couple.

Myah is a Canadian born-again Christian (as of Easter 2008) who enjoys such activities as pissing off the locals of Moncton, NB, by open-air preaching with some douche who has a soul patch that she found on a message board. During the summer of 2008, a couple of months after she converted to hardcore fundamentalist Christianity, Myah discovered that she was pregnant with a half-brained baby who she unironically named Faith Hope. A normal person would have aborted that shit with quickness, but our girl Myah decided to use the Zombaby as a tool of pro-life propaganda by conducting speaking tours, creating blogs and asking for prayers, drugs, brains, strollers and whatever else she could grub to appease the world's tiniest zombie.

Dan Lirette, p-p-praising Myah being FOUR MONTHS OLD IN THE LORD.

Zombaby

Blessed baby Faith Hope entered this cruel world on February 19th, 2009 and hastily made her exit on May 23rd, 2009. She lived with her mother, who taped her eyes shut to make sure that they didn't fall out [1]. Baby Faith's hobbies included gasping for breath, drooling, twitching spastically, and lying around like a slug while her mother poked her and laughed.

Her mother believesd that she is was truly advanced for her age. ~~Watch out, MENSA, you'll have a new member joining your ranks soon!~~ oops not anymore

Frisky!

Zombaby's first & only words

“	Today, as I type this, Faith is 10 weeks old (+ 1 day) and thriving! She is totally conscious and is as responsive as any "normal" baby. She is very sensitive to touch (especially when it's cold!) and can definitely hear. She smiles, coos, cries, and is a feisty little girl ;) She knows what she likes and dislikes and she'll let you know - she has her own little personality that we just can't get enough of. We have been shocked by her development...from day 1 she was smiling and saying baby words ("boo" "gee" "happen"... yeah). She could lift her own head from birth and when she sat up on her own at 5 days old, needless to say, we were amazed :)	„
—Myah truly believes that her baby is normal.

However, Myah willfully ignored that her Zombaby's amazingly advanced head-lifting ability was largely due to to the fact that (unlike normal babies) little miracle-baby Faithy-Hopey-Angel-Blessing had the distinct advantage of being blessed (by JESUS, of course) with an atypically lightweight head; being that Faithy-Hopey-Thingy-Zombaby's neck muscles were unburdened by the weight of 99% of a normal infant human brain and roughly 35% the weight of a normal human infant skull.

The Plot Thickens

Using advanced computer aging techniques - This is what we believe Faith will look like at the age of 19..

When a young Christian girl gets pregnant and conceives a brainless babby, something is not right. That something was Myah's Baby Daddy and somehow, it was discovered that Myah's married preacher, Dan Lirette, had knocked her up and abandoned her. This led to one hell of a mass Googling of Dan Lirette, wherein it was discovered that his batshittery reached unprecedented levels. Apparently, this faggot is a philandering cocksucker who has impregnated at least 100 summer interns at Highfield Baptist Church. Because he is a married hypocrite, Dan refused to be a decent human being, totally abandoned Myah and refused to acknowledge or take care of his zombaby. According to Myah, her doctors wanted to cunt scrape her child, but Jesus wouldn't allow her to do that. The tortured couple went their separate ways: Dan returned to his clueless, idiotic wife and Myah prepared for the organ harvest.

The Dan Lirette Factor

Dan Lirette is an epic lolcow. To learn more, visit his article.

A real daddy's girl.

Dan Lirette is a self-proclaimed open-air preacher from Moncton, NB. His gospel is available for download online, and he posts his Fundamentalist batshittery on over 9,000 different forums and websites.

He has been banned from the public market in Mocnton and all Wal-Marts in Canada. The reasons for this aren't entirely clear, but it's probably related to the fact that he's a confrontational douchebag.

Luckily for ED, Lirette posted all about his endeavors online, including his fling with Myah.

“

Myah Walker is a student and is working for the church for the summer..

Before I get ahead of myself, let me backstep and explain, in brief, how we met.

I saw an add on a buy/sell/trade site that asked where a good local church could be found.

Of course I had to write and share about Highfield Baptist! HB is an amazing assembly with a family and community oriented atmosphere.

I wrote to Myah and spoke on our assembly and Pastoral Leadership and after chatting for a while she had mentioned she was also seeking employment.

Myah applied with the church and was hired!

„

—Dan Lirette, shortly before getting into Myah's pants.

All the Jesus fevor (& fucking) brought forth the creation of the zombaby

Myah, in response to comments about Dan Lirette on Facebook, admits that Dan plowed her fertile fundie fields and planted his zombie seed.

This shoop is the closest Dan ever got to his child.

“

To top it off, I'm also in Ministry, preaching the Gospel Open Air (though under my own Power and not the Power of God!), in the media, known by many and even had a position on the Evangelism Committee in my local assembly.

I became involved in an adulterous affair with a summer student staff member at our church and she became pregnant.

Was what I to do? I had two options:

1- Run away to another city.

2- Hope for the best without turning to God.

The Lord had option #3 waiting, which I had no clue would happen...you have to remember, I was one who was 99% sure I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit!

„

—Dan Lirette admits to knocking up Myah Walker.

Of course, as soon as Dan realized that the internet had figured out his little secret, he hastily went back to every forum post of his and removed the incriminating evidence. Unfortunately for him, he didn't realize that Anonymous never forgets.

Leave Myah Alone!

Faith's Legacy

The Internet Hate Machine kicked into top gear, and Myah soon found her blog at the center of internet dramas. This was hardly surprising, considering that Myah posted that shit in public. Both Reddit.com and Something Awful took her story and ran with it, prompting several sick fucks to email her with suggestions about how to off the zombaby.

Myah and her hugbox were not pleased, so they called God's wrath down from the Heavens.

Trendy Onsies for Label Whore Zombabies.

“	Satan really hates it when God shows up and shows off, doesn't he? And I guess, so do atheists. But I'm told that demons scream their loudest when they're on the way out. So to all of you who sent me hate mail and to all of you who are posting cruel things about my daughter on the internet, I hope your demons are on their way out... You can't expect to say such things about one of God's precious little children and then go unpunished, so I would repent if I were you...or you're in for it. You people posting vile things on the internet about my daughter, you are IN for it. There is a place for people with such hatred and perversion in their hearts, and believe me, it's not a place where you want to go. But that is where you are heading. In a nutshell, Jesus is your only hope. Or you're in for a good long (and well-deserved) burning. That being said, God Bless you all! Even you incredibly evil, demonized people :) P.S. See an exorcist ASAP	„
—Myah sees the agents of Satan working through the Something Awful.com forums.

“	Nice going jerks. Show yourselves for the small-minded, hateful little pricks that you are. We'll expose you.	„
—A blogger fighting the good fight.

Myah is Using Her Jesus Super Powers to Kill Goons

The goons have vanquished Myah's fake Christian nobility, and in defense of her zombaby's daddy, she is now summoning Jesus to kill all goons. Beware, goons: Jesus is coming, and this time, it's personal.

LOL THE ABOMINATION IS DEAD

“	The best 93 days of my life... were spent with my daughter. Faith went to Heaven today. We spent the entire morning and some of the afternoon snuggling together in my warm bed. I told her that I loved her many times. I was holding her in my arms when she passed away. It was around 4:40 in the afternoon. I had just finished changing her diaper and I decided to pick her up and wrap a blanket around her. She made a very sweet smiling face and held it for several seconds... I thought it was very cute. I waited for her to take her next breath, but she didn't. She looked up at me and opened her beautiful eyes, and I realized what was happening. I told her to go with Jesus. I told her that I loved her and that it was ok, that I would meet her in Heaven. I held her close and cried tears on her face. I felt her chest and there was no longer a heartbeat. But she still looked so beautiful. And even now, she is still so amazingly beautiful... as I hold her here she is looking like a porcelain doll. Her tube feed is gone. Her lips are still pink and her facial expression looks so happy and peaceful. God is good. Thank you all for your prayers.	„
—PROOF

Myah Sending Goons to Canadian Internet Jail

The brilliant Myah has come under the delusion that the Canadian Prime Minister's new anti-terrorism legislation was passed in order to protect Myah from being ridiculed online. Now she thinks that the Internet police are going to destroy the ZoSo's empyrean empire of evil.

“	To anyone who has also had to suffer torment from the so-called "something awful" goons (I'm not calling them goons, that is what they call themselves), I have some good news for you. One of the main "goons" that was behind much of the hate campaign and threats against Faith and I (and her father) has been identified. A police report has already been filed by the RCMP and I will be cooperating with the police as necessary to ensure that this woman is held accountable for her actions. She hides behind the alias "Zoso", but her real name is Amy and she lives in Detroit, Michigan. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you "goons." Didn't I tell you that your identities could easily be traced? If you want to continue to terrorize people then you can go to prison, where terrorists belong.	„
—Myah

This makes complete sense, because terrorists flying a plane into the WTC is analogous to mocking Dan and Myah online. Goons are currently forming a contemporary underground railroad to help conceal ZoSo and protect him from the e-police and the world's tiniest zombie. YOU WILL NEVER CATCH US ZOMBABY!!

The Golden Emperor is Pleased

The Emperor smiles upon her passing.

On May 23, 2009 at 3:57 PM, the little abomination passed on, creating much lulz and awesome. When questioned about the death of baby Faith, the God Emperor only had this to say:

"To be exterminated. That is the fate of all mutants."

If anything, the "miracle's" death only seems to solidify the Ordo Hereticus credo that mutants are, in fact, to be abhorred and reviled. To please our Emperor, please let the parents of Faith know that they are heretics, and deserved to be put to the fire for allowing such a mutant to breathe the air of clean humans. Lastly, to commemorate the passing of said heretical infant, create videos and memorials dedicated to the halt of mutant propaganda claiming that the mutant is a miracle.