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cuz books with guitars on them are soo metal.
Metal-Archives is the internet's main refuge for tr00 and kvlt metalheads who won't accept anything as metal unless it bathes in stereotypical faggotry of epic proportions. The site itself is broken into a band database & reviews section, and a messageboard that is typically full of CoF worship, Joey Jordison cocksucking and scene kids that think System of a Down is death metal.
Purely a clusterfuck of opinions that don't make much sense whatsoever, and drone on, and on and on ad infinitum - and then a little more
The reviews on Metal-Archives - hereafter known as MA - are, without sounding pretentious, some of the most juvenile, braindead, molested pieces of thinly diced dog phallus sprinkled with super-cheap, no-name brand stink-like-shit Parmesan cheese that are currently fucking up any sort of reliability that the internet has as a shopping guide for extreme music. To actually be able to express how bad these reviews are in a fashion that suitably describes them would take a whole wiki of Uncyclopedic adjective redundancy. I mean, Jesus Christ:
—The first line of a long-standing MA review, on being sucky to the max
Funny Quote
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I have never met so many people that enjoyed the scent of their own genitalia
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—Anonymous on Metal-Archives Forum
LOL WUT
A quick example of the kind of elitist cunts that lurk around Metal-Archives would be this necro and gr1m music video from well-known cuntwipe droneriot. This shit is srs bzns.
If you don't enjoy this music, you aren't deaf enough to write reviews for the site. Moderators on the Forum have been known to ban users for the following offenses: nothing. High on a power trip, they gain points through contributing the following to the encyclopedia: nothing. Things that qualify half the site to actually write about music: nothing.
The latter is actually evidenced in reviews like such:
It was taken from a review on Burzum's "Filosofem." Notice immediately how the critic goes on and on about darkness and shit like that instead of actually talking about the music. PROTIP: If you think Burzum's albums are a journey, move the fuck out of your mother's basement. However, any attempt to point this out will result in a quick ban through community uproar, seeing as if you don't like Burzum, you're just not trve enough.
Now, while the administrators at Metal-Archives claim to have a high standard for reviews, that doesn't keep from letting the trver than thou fanboys from writing wholly useless slag pieces on bands that are just way too popular to like.
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This album loses even more of the riffs and turns into a dangerously groove-filled environment. Lots of Korn influence on here. The last album couldn't be called thrash, this one barely struggles to be called metal. A lot of the features central to mallcore can be found here, and I don't just mean rapped vocals - the general idea where the guitar is de-emphasised and "atmosphere" is attempted through the use of slowing down the song and inserting some whiney vocals.
The drumwork is actually the saving grace of the album, and what keeps it barely metal. There is some decent double-bass to be found here, and if it weren't so damn emphasized in the mix at the expense of the guitars, it would be a nice backdrop.
A highly questionable album. This band just gets shittier and shittier. Insert here the obligatory note of how Vio-lence is so much fucking better.
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— Seriously, what the fuck is this shit and who tells these people their reviews are actually doing something other than making people who actually like music want to buy the album
There are over 9000 of both types of reviews, but they're the only ones you will find.
Tips for Crafting Your Very Own Metal-Archive Review!
1. Deciding on a good title should be the priority here, but there are a few key factors. For instance, if you're reviewing an American black metal band, you can never be positive. A title like "fuq u!!! bvrzvm!" always does the trick, but be creative. Here's an example:
And now you have the 13 year old boy wit ready to continue with your very own review!
2. To open, make sure you tell some boring story about how you got this album(don't be honest though, or else all of them would start with "I pirated this"), or the secondary option, make a long-winded rant about how x band's new album was nowhere near as good as their last.
3. Onto the actual music. These are the only terms you can use:
