Messin' With Sasquatch
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
South Ossetia is a region in Georgia Soveriegn Nation Soviet State which has recently seen a shitstorm of drama and lulz in the international community due to an outbreak of war. The war started last Thursday when Georgia started getting butthurt about ethnic separatists in the regions Countries of Abkhazia and South Ossetia, who have more ties to Russia than the former Soviet republic of Georgia which they are technically still part of. These separatists thought that if the USA, NATO and the EU could recognize Kosovo, then why not them? But since Georgia and the Western coalition are bum buddies, that'll never happen, although Russia wants these regions to get freedom. Despite this, at a recent NATO meeting in Bucharest, France and Germany opposed Georgia's request for adminship, not allowing Georgia to have higher powers as a full member of NATO, so Georgia remained autoconfirmed as the meeting ended in no consensus.
The war began just as the Olympics started (by no coincidence), timed nicely by the Georgians as Vladimir Putin left his altar boy Dmitry Medvedev in charge of the country. Most of Europe responded by sucking up to the USA and calling for a ceasefire, although Russia's staunch allies like Kazakhstan and Armenia backed up Russia's claims that Georgia was attacking Russian peacekeepers and that Georgia is the country that deserves to get pwned for attempting to fuck with the Russian bear.
tl;dr - Soviet nigras attacked Georgia to show they still pwn face at war and, that the USA and French should not mess with them WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE NOT DOING. Therefore WW3 will start resulting in epic lulz.
Drama on the internets
Most tabloid newspapers went crazy over this. The ignorant shitheads who read The Sun engaged in ad hominem attacks on the Russians despite not having a clue what the entire conflict is about. This is because they always believe that everything that America ever does or backs up is the right thing. However, the communist sympathizers at The Guardian took a rather different stance. Whilst the Sun may claim that the batshit crazy pedophile Barry George killed British TV presenter Jill Dando, the Guardian tends to instead promote the conspiracy theory that she was killed by Serbian secret agents for promoting the cause and plight of Kosovo Albanians at least 10 years ago on her shitty television show. The Guardian still gets pro-Bush supporters to write articles for it in its comment is free section.
This pro-US, pro-Israel sycophantic yes man got a verbal thrashing by extreme left-wing radicals, keen for cultural appropriation of Russia and its interests, producing some lulzy quotes.
Waking Up The Sleeping Bear
For now, it looks like the fucktarded Western coalition should have listened to Russia when it said that there would be serious business if Kosovo was considered independent. However, since most of Europe (except Spain) didn't have the balls to oppose Kosovo's independence, despite it blatantly breaking international law, the world is going to have to suffer the consequences of over 9000 secessionist movements like this in the future. But due to mutually assured destruction, neither side will actually start World War Three, right? Right?
4 August 2008 - Georgia sends troops into the state of South Ossetia to fight Russian-backed rebels and Ossetian separatists, who have been running a de facto independent state for a few years.
tl;dr - Georgia starts shit.
Jews/Illuminati/CIA plan out the conspiracy
March 2005 - A video game is released by Atari, detailing how an ambitious Russian leader starts expanding Russian borders, which ignites a conflict with Americunts, and starts World War Three.
Yup, Jews are at it again
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Pretty Raep Machine
8 August 2008 - Russia cranks up the raep machine and sends it into South Ossetia to raep and party hard.
BEHOLD! Elite Russian RÆP troops on parade!
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Georgia's Military (aka Epic Fail Guys)
9 August 2008 - The Georgians get their asses handed to them while the Russians continued to zerg rush them. However, they did manage to shoot down four Soviet fighters and one bomber. The Russians were not amused by this, and decided to do what they did in WWII... pull a Russian reversal.
By the end of the day the Russians own half of Georgia's airspace, while having destroyed the seven Georgian warplanes on the fucking ground. How does one country fail so hard that they only have seven fucking fighters?
None of this, however, matched the epic fail of the Russian forces, who managed to get lost not only in a country, smaller than Scotland, that was supposed to have been inescapably inarguably irrevocably forever a part of Mother Russia, but also shot down three of their own planes. European armchair generals breathed a sigh of relief, as this only confirmed that they could probably pwn Russian forces even though their own armed forces could all fit in a sports stadium with room to spare.
IN POST-SOVIET GEORGIA, YOU BRING THE KY TO YOUR OWN RÆP
10 August 2008 - The Georgians finally realized that they were neck deep in shit, and adopted the classic French military strategy by retreating like faggots, and hoping Russia decides to not raep them any more than they already have.
The Russians decided they hadn't even begun to raep and began bombing the shit out of everything; a port, some Gypsies in a apartment and some moar airfields. Meanwhile, in South Georgia, the U.S. gathered their soldiers that were training the Georgians, as well as all the other shit they had, and made a strategic retreat. The Russians then started dismantling any Georgian military equipment they could find and even stole some US hummers that the Americunts forgot to bring with them.
It's important to remember that the USA is very messed up in this shit. Georgia let the US train their armed forces, and in return they sent over 2000 troops to Iraq. Georgia is whining about how nobody cares about them and isn't sending help, and to combat the bawwwwwing, George Bush said that the attack was "unacceptable" and told Russia to "reverse it's course", which fixed everything.
Old MiG-29 in da main action
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By the end of the day, all of the Georgian airspace, waters, and Ossetia ARE BELONG TO RUSSIA. Russia continued raeping the Georgians with air strikes around the raep clock, invading the fuck out of Ossetia, taking over the Georgian Black Sea, and prepared to invade from Abkhazia, completely fucking up the Georgians.
In the Black Sea, the Ukraine said that all Russian ships that leave the Russian ports in the Ukraine are going to be b& from the Ukrainian waters until the Georgians get raeped hard enough to surrender.
The Russians were pouring into Ossetia faster then Albanians into Kosovo, and were about to invade the fuck out West Georgia. This resulted in a bunch of West Georgians getting scared and moving with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air...
Meanwhile, in Abkhazia...
11 August 2008 - Abkhazia decided that it had been left out of the drama and lulz long enough. It decided to let Russian troops enter it, and the Russians threatened to go into Georgia again, thus doubling the pwnage. Abkhazia also stole source code from geocities and made this l33t website.
Do you smell that KOROVAN?
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Other than that, the Abkhazian soldiers began the quest for lulz as they engaged the Georgian Special Forces. Georgians gathered in Tblisi and chanted "meek hile, meek hile!" (moar liek 'Sieg heil', amirite?), begging for president Mikhail Saakashvili to stop acting like a faggot and actually do something.
Mikhail is being a fag while running like a French bitch.
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French Anti-lulz & Faggotry in Tbilisi
12 August 2008 - As if Mikhail couldn't fag everything up a bit more, he had the French--the fucking French, the fucking failingest, most ghey military in the entire world--get the Russians to sign a cease-fire while 150,000 Georgians, Azeris, Turks, Gypsies, and some Ukrainians had a massive ghey orgy while cumming to their President speaking about how they have stopped the fighting between Russia and Georgia for the time being.
Because it was covered in cum and French faggotry, the Russians threw it out the window 10 hours later and began to party down back in Gori, Georiga.
It's a Communist Party in Gori
13 August 2008 - Looks liek they were reloading teh Soviet ræp.
OVER 9000 Russian Red Army tanks which, BTW, were borrowed by the South Ossetian military (which, if you can recall, Mikhail said was a lie two days ago Turned out to be the Russkies all along!) set up a base of raep in Gori. They planned to show that faggot Mikhail that the South Ossetian Military is not a joke the Russian Red Army can easily raep them, ДИD THДT ЧΘU ДЯЄ ИЄVДЯ ЄVДЯ ДLLΘWЄD TΘ FUCК WITH THЄ MΘTHЄRLДИD WITHΘUT GЄTTIИG THЯΘUGLЧ ЯÆP'D BЧ THЄ ЯЄD БЄДЯ
Meanwhile, the Ossetians Russians partied hard, raepd who ever was left, looted some shit, blocked off all the roads, and then partied harder. Imagine the best party you've ever been to. Then imagine everyone there having their own bottle of vodka, an ak-47 with several banana clips of depeleted uranium ammunition and instead of Honda Civics and hand-me-down Mercedes, people showed up in the crisp, camo-painted main attack tanks parked up and down the street. It's the kind of combat U.S. armed forces desperately wish they could engage in...you know, utilizing a paper-thin pretense for invasion but really just fucking some weird ethnic minorities shit up while copping loot, wenches and engaging in free for all genocide along the way. Ha ha, well, that's kinda like our invasion of Iraq but unlike Russian special forces, we can't shoot journalists and bludgeon them with rifle butts if they happen to record instances of wrongdoing.
The U.S. seems to be bound by pesky things like "international law" and "recognition of human rights" which are subjects conspicuously missing from Russian military field manuals. Because we have to uphold hold some sort of global image of "leading the way" in terms of warfare conduct, we basically cut ourselves out of all the cool shit like raking civilian apartment complexes with heavy machine guns, stealing anything not nailed down, salting fields, impregnating foreign vag in between lighting huts on fire with zippos and the like. Why do you think all those Russian troops are grinning like devious bastards in all the associated press photos? You would be too if you just got to use that glistening heavy machine gun on a marketplace full of children while you pat the looted 72" Sony plasma t.v. on the seat next to you that's going up on your apartment wall back in Moscow.
The Russian Black Sea fleet and the Abkhazians prepared to re-invade the fuck out of west Georgia, while the good old U.S. of A. planned how to "punish" Russia for raeping the living shit out of the Georgians not do a damn thing but talk shit. Again, the whole "rape and pillage" envy thing.
Apparently the Ossetians Russians--tired from all the looting, partying hard, and raep in Gori, began heading for Tbilisi with some tanks, and at least 100 APC's and trucks to fuck up the Gregorian army for the lulz (or at least that's what CNN and Mikhail are saying). They turned around after 10 minutes of driving, They were well on their way and they're gonna have fun.
You may be asking "Where the fuck is the Failorgian Army now?" Well, if you ask they were running like the French ran from Krauts back in WWII, running towards Tbilisi every time they see a Russian or Ossetian different Russian due to the amount of raep they have inflicted on the Georgians.
Yes it's true, the Russians then began hauling ass down the main Georgian highway to fuck up the Georgians blitzkrieg Nazi style, and everything in Georgia west of Gori ARE BELONGED TO RUSSIA. This means at this point, the only the only major city left in the whole fucking country that hasn't been raepd to shit is Tbilisi. So yeah, the Georgians were fucked.
With having raeped just about everything in the country, the Russians headed toward Tblisi in hopes of capturing that massive bitch Mikhail and giving him to Putin to personally raep. They also planned to overthrow the massive faggotry that is the Georgian military. Then they stopped. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Mikhail continued to go on CNN live looking like a complete faggot, apparently attempting to spread his propaganda to the American masses in the vain hope that he could get NATO or the U.S. to keep the Russians from goatseing his ass.
Back on the Highway to Hell Tblisi
14 August 2008 - The Russians were still hauling ass along the only highway to Tbilisi, but now even the fucking Chechens are getting in on the action. The whole Red Army are going Viking on Georgia's asses; pillaging, partying hard, and raeping the fuck out of every thing of value they saw on their way to the capital of Failorgia. The Georgian army didn't do shit, due to all the fail, and instead employed classic French military tactics (ie; running like faggots).
Then the Russians realized not everyone in their army were getting medals for civilian kills, rape points, additional furlough for torching baby milk factories and the like so they sent in even moar armor and troops to take over Tbilisi, and the Chechens are taking all the shit they stole back to Chechnya to sell to Abkhazia for teh monies and Islam. After all, it's only fair to make sure even the lowliest Russian private can know the joys of lighting grain stores on fire ensuring starvation for thousands in the coming winter.
The Russians stopped here and there every once in a while to roast a good old Shashlik (Georgian-on-a-stick) to eat with copious amounts of vodka to fuel additional acts of pillage (fun). A few times they came across some non-pussy Georgians, but when that happened the Russians just raeped them in a minute, roasted them, ate them, and got back on their way. Meanwhile, the Ossetians stole all their equipment and headed back to Ossetia with their loot (and bitching new Land Rovers bikes) to clean up all the Georgians the Russians missed. After mopping up, they again caught up with the Russians, stole all the military shit the Russians didn't destroy, headed back... and planned to repeat until Tbilisi falls.
Even though Gori ALL ARE BELONGING TO RUSSIA, the Russians decided that they didn't want it due to all the faggotry of Georgia, and the fact that there is no more loot to steal. Now they are simply abandoning it to back up the zerg rush in Tbilisi.
Meanwhile the Georgians were bawwwing that the Russians were bombing Gori when in actuality, all the Russians did was simply destroy some military bases beyond repair. So now the Georgians had no hopes of taking back Gori since all their shit was gone. They began running their asses back to Tbilisi to keep the Russians from slamming their red cawk up Georgia's already bloody asshole.
After looting and fucking up Georgia's main Black Sea port in true Viking fashion, the Russian Red Navy's People's Marine Corps were on their way to take over Georgia's second largest (and second-to-last city) that's not ALL BELONG TO RUSSIA with over 9,000 tanks to fuck up everything. The Georgian premier LOL FAUX NEWS confirmed that over half of his country ARE BELONGS TO RUSSIA.
Anyway, it appeared that the Russians were doing exactly like the did in Poti, as they did in Gori, pillaging the shit out of everything and then heading on to the next biggest city to raep the fuck out of and PARTY HARD, but this time they are going all the way.
Then the whole Georgian military headed to Tbilisi to keep the Russians from taking their last city just like the Spartans did in Sparta, but they were going to do it in the most faggy fashion EVAR and fail hard, due to the massive raep that the Russians hunger for.
In the meantime the Georgians did jack shit to keep the Russian Raep Machine from being IN THEIR COUNTRY, KILLIN their D00DS - all while Mikhail was boarding a flight down to Azerbaijan to keep himself from getting raeped hard personally by Putin.
Pissed that Russians stole all their pr0nz, cp, and torrents in Gori, the Georgians retaliated by shooting at WESTERN REPORTERS for the lulz (and possibly also try to blame the Russians for it), since it's about the only thing the Georgians could do to get America to save them.
The Withdrawal Method
15 August 2008 - Saakashvili, bawwwing from the massive amounts of raep given to him by the Russian Raep Machine, signs another cease-fire and begs like a bitch for Russia to sign it. Russia, having run out of things to raep, signs it for the lulz. The Jewnited States immediately starts talking all sorts of shit, saying stuff that you'd expect to hear from a butthurt ex-girlfriend...
Russia could care less about because it just busted the biggest nut evar in the face of one of it's former hoes territories, and also knows the US is already fighting two losing wars and probably won't start a third.
Wait for it...
While the peace treaty was in effect, the Red army decided to have some fun, while the Georgians were cleaning their bloody assholes.
They blow up Georgia's prized last ship, and kidnapped some Georgian navyfags and on top of that, and just to make the point that the U.S. can't do shit, the good old Russians stole a couple of bitching U.S. Army Humvees which the Georgians apparently couldn't afford and still have to pay for since their name is on the lease. Shit!
Meanwhile back in East Georgia, the Russian got within 25 miles of Tbilisi to piss off the Georgians even more, while they destroyed, or stole all the Georgian shit.
Akhbazia and South Ossetia are now countries...
Russia, tired of the U.S. spamming "GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY, GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY, GEORGIA'S TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY", declared that they now recognize South Ossetia, and Abkhazia, which means that Georgia failed hard in the end, and the Russians just want the U.S. just to shut the fuck up with the spamming.
Now even moar butthurt, Failogia announced that they were cutting their 2 inch diplomatic cock off from Russia, and now are taking the money they spend on the Georgian Embassy which is about enough to replace about 3 pick-ups, now The Russian Ministry of international Fuck Yous said that , saying that the 600,000 to 1 million Georgians in Russia would be left to the mercy of fate, and there's now talks of setting up a Georgian Hunting season in South Ossetia.
Mauled by a poodle
Eventually the Amerofags got their favorite Euro-poodle to announce that he'd do whatever it took to counter Russkie aggression threaten sanctions, and generally hold his breath until he got what he wanted. This was a SRS BIZNS attack on the Russian people as it almost caused the entire population of Russia to die laughing.
Missile shield? moar liek fail shield
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Topol-M, Now 100% European Missile shield proof!
Another "fuck you" by the USSR
After making sure that they were capable of Nuking Europe into oblivion without the Iranian missile shield shooting them down, the Russians decided to piss off the Americans and Eurofags even more by showing that they can't do jack shit to the Red Empire.
ANNEXING SOUTH OSSETIA INTO THE RUSSIAN EMIPIRE
Thus making the Georgians fail even greater. Now the Russians are booting everyone who's still gay for Mikhail out of South Ossetia, which is about as common in Ossetia as a nigger in a Klansman house.
Nicaragua finally gets revenge for mullet haircuts the Contras
In a bid to get revenge for being pwnd by American backed terrorists freedom fighters [1] at least 100 years ago, Nicaragua has recognised South Ossetia. This is lulzy because the reason the US sent the goon squad in in the first place was because it feared that Nicaragua would become a pawn of Moscow.
Expect many other countries that America has pissed off in the past to follow suit. Payback's a bitch!
Russia finds some Jew Airfields in Failorgia
Deciding that they wanted to find out where the 100 Jew UAVs that they have shot-down over Ahkazian waters been coming from, they decided to raid two Georgian Air fields.
But to their surprise, they uncovered that the jews secretly had bought the Airfields from the Georgians with their jewgolds so they could do Iranian nuclear power plants, and found out that the Jews have been spying on South Russia, East Kazakhstan and North Iran.
After finding out that the Kikes are spying on them, and had bought 2 air fields from the Failorgians, the Russians responded by stealing the kike technologies, and then Selling Iran and Syria moar AA and tanks.
Mutiny for the Lulz Time to blame the Russians
9 Month after the country he was playing for got pwnt by the motherland, A Good Old Soviet Commander in what left of the Georgian Army balls his self after the Russians gave him many of the jew golds they found at the Isreali Airfields they raided, decided me to troll the fuck out of him and before NATO sent 1000 Polack and Frenchie troops to a base 30 miles away.
On the eve of the Polacks and Frenchies ariving, he started a coup encompassing nearly all the Georgians that weren't still gay for Sakhasivilisi that hadn't already defected to Russia, managed to gather a 500 soldiers and 30 tanks (about half of the Georgian Tanks left when the Red Army Somehow missed them) called up Sahaaksivillis to tell them that they to come and get 'em!
Saaskisvilli immediately got butthurt and sent over 9000 soldiers and cops to surround the base they took over they stated they wouldn't use force and would stay inside the barracks, and promptly ended the coups peacefully.
This of course was all bullshit, and one of Saakhasvilli's fake, shitty attempts to blame the Russians for everything in hops that NATO will let them join them, like Georgian soldiers attacking Western Reporters then promptly claiming they were Russian despite the fact that the fucking reporters they were shooting at knew they were Georgian.
Quotes
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Gallery
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External links
- Georgia gov reports (LOL feel free to h4xor the shit out of SRV.)
- Russia Foreign Intelligence (LOL feel free to h4xor the fuck out of it)
- Have your hate-filled, anti-Russian propaganda given to you daily from the BBC.
- Have your hate-filled, Soviet propaganda given to you daily by Russia Today.
- Georgia's Aggression Against South Ossetia Video.
- IMINT/UNOSAT Ossetian militias looting and burning down ethnic Georgian villages
- The South Ossetia War from Russia's point of view
- Russia explains all
- Limeys decided to change their minds and accuse Georgia of starting the party. Everybody's guilty, except from teh Great Empire!
- Amerifags starting to get the truth from NY Times. Why so slow?
