Massachusetts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts (moar like MassaJEWsetts, amirite? (No, you dumb fuck, it's "Massive-two-shits." Get it right, retard.)) is located in the
US
of A and is secretly the gayest state in the
country. Although everyone knee-jerkedly accuses
Kommiefornia (which has its fair share
of conservatives, btw) of being the gayest
state in the union, Massachusetts, or Mass as
many people prefer to shorten it, is more than happy
to let gays marry in holy matrimony in the name of our
lord and savior Al Gore; as long as they aren't black that is. Cali, meanwhile, still
says that they can go fuck themselves,
but not each other HA HA HA DISREGARD THAT, CALIFORNIA SUCKS COCKS.
[edit] Early History
Originally settled (for at least 100 years) by a tribe of Indians called the Massachusett, Massachusetts was discovered in the 1500's by ponces, wankers and prats from England, aka the Pilgrims, or the White Devil. Shortly after these settlers set about fagging the place up, a group of Puritans came and forced Jesus on the new colony, lulz. After successfully defagging the colony, the Puritans set about pwning all of the original inhabitants of the area via smallpox, alcohol and permabanning. During this period of time, there were numerous successfully violent raids for great justice on French-owned, mega-fag Canadia to its north.
Some time between ingen pwning and cock-gobbling, some 16 year old girl initiated the great Salem Witch Trials, officially closing down Salem resulting in epic fail for Masshole faggots.
When the Puritans got sick of their admins in England, they started a revolution to free themselves. The source of much lulz for a couple of years, the British were pwned out of Massachusetts Bay, vowing to come back to subvert them via gayness and furries at some point in the 20th century. This patriotic fervor is a rallying point for conservative rednecks all around the United States, despite the fact that they all hate Massachusetts for being so unabashedly liberal.
[edit] Middle History
With its massive population of disposable Irish and Italian immigrants as well as a large stockpile of escaped Negroes, Massachusetts became one of the most important industrial centers in the world. Transcendentalism, a precursor to hippy new age bullshit and paradoxically to agnosticism, started in Massachusetts at this time. Massachusetts was also a focal point of abolitionism and temperance: while about half of the state schoolmarmishly scolded the other half for indulging in booze and hookers, the other half decided it was time to throw down and IRL flame wars (as the internets had not been invented yet) erupted, prompting widespread pwnage and rioting.
This fueled in many ways to the American Civil War, where the North decided that they didn't like the backwater, cousin-marrying, nigga-owning ways of their southern subordinates, and the South decided they'd had enough of the limp-wristed, free-loving intellectual bullshit candy-pants faggotry from the pussies to the north. Inexplicably, these candy-pants faggots pwned the Southerners badly, and to this day, the white portion of the South is still butthurt. During this period, Massachusetts created the 54th Volunteer Infantry, the first time in the history of the world when black people were given firearms and told to go nuts; this is now widely regarded, in hindsight, as a big mistake.
Massachusetts had made a name for itself making shoes and textiles, but by the onset of the 20th century, most of these jobs had gone to Good Korea and Vietnam. Because of this, Asians are advised against traveling to any city in Massachusetts other than Boston, because angst against the yellow peril still runs deep in the boonies.
[edit] Contemporary Massachusetts
Starting in the 1960's, Massachusetts decided that they were going to push their liberalism on the rest of the nation and the Jewish Illuminati (in alliance with the Furluminati) put up charismatic pretty-boy Massachusettsanian JFK, who set about trying to get everyone to cooperate with each other, going to Ireland to get drunk, going to Germany and proclaiming "ich bin ein berliner...und mein shorts are too short," and fucking Playmates with fearless aplomb. He got pwned in Texas by the CIA, Freemasons, Shriners, Jews, Fags, Cubans, Commies, and your mom.
This was a minor setback for Massachusetts, who despite being fairly small in both landmass and population, has managed to weasel its way into all sectors of National Government.
[edit] Massachusetts: it's not just Boston, god damn it
Although most non-Massachusettsanians assume that Massachusetts is all Boston and New York is an angry stone-throw across a river, Massachusetts does have other cities within it. So that you can contribute correctly to any dinner conversations that deviate to the geography of Massachusetts, here are a few of the other, non-Boston areas of Massachusetts that are little-known but of utmost cultural importance.
[edit] Revere
Named for the lead singer of the 1960's band The Raiders, Revere is located on the North Shore, which is North of Boston. Famous for local eateries that deep fry everything, and the most urbanized Townies in the world, Revere is best described as "wikkid pissah" buy its residents, and "wikkid retahdid" by everyone else. There's a wicked awesome supermarket there, according to rumor. Revere Beach is known for being an excellent alternative to a landfill if it's not trash day, or indoor toilet if yours isn't working. Revere is the perfect city to reside in if you're a cop killing Revere High wigger, but not if you're Danny Talbot.
[edit] Concord
Concord is where all the rich fucks that feel like they need to pay for an expensive mailing address go. The town's schools, public and private, are well known and have strong reputations; by the time of their high school graduation, 95% of students have reached a third grade reading comprehension level, and almost 60% are able to go about their daily lives without wearing protective helmets. Concord Academy has it's campus in this town, and the students will have surely fucked everything in town up again by the time they return this September. Concord has two main areas; Concord Center and West Concord. Residents of Concord Center rarely venture across route two to West Concord, citing rumors that a black family may have moved into the area. The town is best known as the home of Admiral Henry David Thoreau's Walden Pond. In 1842, Thoreau set out from the western side of the pond in a three hundred foot sailing ship on a voyage destined for East Asia, hoping to bring back child slaves for his shoe factory. Two years later, the ship was found adrift in the Mediterranean sea along the coast of Northern Africa, mysteriously deserted. Thoreau was never seen again. In 1951, Walden Pond was drained and filled in. Over the next twenty years, the area was paved over and converted to a commercial district. Today, the site where Thoreau's luxury brownstone once stood is occupied by a Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the town's residents unanimously agree that it is much better that way. Adjacent to Concord is the town of Acton. They are known for their schools, their love of fags and not much else.
[edit] Leominster
Second largest city in Worcester County. Pronounced "Lem-in-stah." Filled mostly with Wops, the French, Micks, Brazilians and spics. Used to be one of the leading plastic manufacturing cities in all the US; and is where the Pink Lawn Flamingo [1] was invented. Also the birth town of Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed used to wander the woods barefoot with a pot on his head planting apple trees where ever he went. It's worth mentioning that he is also town hero and city mascot of Leominster. But this doesn't mean people from Leominster are crazy.
[edit] Framingham
Home to moar Brazil fags than anywhere else in the country. Also has more shops than anyone would fucking need, there are actually more stores than people in Framingham. Home to the Natick Collection, a collection of stores typically called a mall, but due to elitist fags with a lot of money it is now a collection full of niggers and Jews. The only thing possibly worth saving is the Jordan's Furniture which is fashioned to look like Niggertown New Orleans before Katrina fucked everything up.
[edit] Fitchburg
AKA Shitsburg, this is the fucking worst city in the entire fucking world, Kabul included. It is full of low on the totem poll drug dealers, old residents who pine for the glory days and people on welfare. You can smell it from nearby Leominster. Everything is decaying in Fitchburg from the buildings, to the local paper that is run by a Nazi with a tiny penis and onto the crack whores' tits that have been gradually sinking to their navels since 1996.
[edit] Marlborough
Also known as Mahbro, Marlboro, or simply the Borough by niggers and spics. Marlborough is another example of a good suburb slowly being destroyed by immigrants to become just another shit hole. Marlborough was famous for using child-laborers to make shoes for the rest of the country. Marlborough is now a place of townie scum and rape unfortunately it is large enough to attract neighboring townies and immigrants causing the population to double in twenty years.
[edit] Hudson
A Laughable town full of spics who actually think they have enough credit to establish gangs. Hudson is home to only 20,000 people but manages to have both the Crips and the Bloods. There are also some townies so proud of this place of rape they get H-Town tattooed on themselves.
[edit] Amherst
Amherst is the most annoying parts of Massachusetts put together, budget cut, and painted with mushrooms and swirles. Home to over 9000 colleges and universities, Amherst ("AM-erst! No H!")is full of cheap stores, college students and shits who think they are liberal. Don't go here. Unless you want drugs, underage sex or lots of talk with no political action. Oh. And "freshmen" is sexist now. Womyn need respect too!
This girl is from Amherst. Amherst, in a nutshell, is this girl multiplied by 35,000 dancing in army formation.
[edit] Northampton
Lesbian feminist stronghold with a lot of homeless people.
[edit] People's Republic of Cambridge
Cambridge is arguably the most liberal town in the world is a glorious city that celebrates diversity of all peoples and honor's worker's rights. This is the town where the first gay marriage in the country was. The average Cantibrilian, is a middle aged balding homosexual who wears socks and sandals and a ponytail in the back of his head. Avoid this town at all costs Come to this glorious city where the iron will of the people is never ignored!!!
[edit] Brockton
Just south of Boston, Brockton is home of 6 year olds sexually harassing [2] each other, famous boxers Rocky Marciano and Marvelous Marvin Hagler, the annual fair that always rapes at least two girls a year, niggers killing each other every summer just for the lulz, all the refugee criminals that are escaping the Boston PD, Cape Verde's second largest nigra population, and a crime rate that even keeps the criminals on edge.
[edit] Fall River
A piece of shit town near the Rhode Island border. Loaded with old abandoned mills where good ol' jigaboo cotton was turned into textiles. Now just filled with Portuguese people and French-Canadians.
[edit] Methuen
The ghetto of all ghetto. Drugs and alcohol every where u look!
[edit] Lawrence
Lowell's bitch, full of spics. It's population's main income is welfare and drugs, although there is a thriving Barber Shop/Auto Accessory market. Exorbitant sums of government grant money has recently been used to build an enormous new High School, it has been historically unaccredited, and has 2,000 freshmen, 1,500 sophomores, 12 juniors and a graduating class of 2.
Care should be taken by the outsider when driving through Lawrence, as everyone from the smallest barely clothed children all the way up to the belligerent drunken day laborer, and everyone in between enjoys jumping into traffic without looking, double and triple parking(they think it's legal if the hazards are on), and opening doors into your moving vehicle.
All in all the city government is corrupt, it's school system broken, and it's residents the result. Rent is cheap, Restaurants ESL, police incompetent, drugs available, and stabbings plentiful. On Broadway st. in Lawrence, you can get a haircut at 23 different barber shops, a car stereo at 18 separate locations, Crack, weed, heroin, Dunkin' Donuts, a handgun, El Tipico, prostitutes, stabbed and arrested. On a half mile stretch of poorly maintained road.
[edit] Lowell
In the heart of the Merrimack Valley, Lowell is best known for its quality needle drugs and beautiful naturally occurring broken glass fields. Lowell's historic hypodermic needle mills attract over seven million tourists every year, providing an important boost to the local economy and allowing city officials to put tax dollars back in city residents' pockets which they promptly spend on heroin. There is also an infamous hooker hangout called Appleton Street, where they charge as little as 50 cents for head.
[edit] Dracut
One of Lowell's neighboring towns, Dracut is best known for all the hookers that go to school there. This could introduce kids to sex a bit early, since the town's only elementary, middle, and high schools all share the same block. (Architects are REAL fuckin' geniuses, amirite?)
[edit] Salem
A boring as fuck place to live in if you're not a Wiccan or a Spic. Once October ends, all means of lulz are blown to shit, except those fucked up psychics leaving severed raccoon heads on doorsteps for the lulz [3]. By mid-August, the tourists blunder in, leaving residents to want to beat Cho's score.
[edit] Springfield
The Second Boston, Springfield has the honor of being the most violent city in the country. This is where Boyz N The Hood was shot, and Ice Cube died. Has the Basketball hall of fame, which is closed, or at least blockaded. Avoid at all costs.
[edit] The Cape and Islands
The cape Is made of several things, wiggers, aids, fail, Old people, emos, and most importantly, gays. Basically, the cape is a smaller version of Massachusetts. This means that the minorities are packed tighter then a little boy's anus. Teh gays are up north in Province Town or as us cappies say "P-town", also known by the locals as "pickle point". Here urinating on each other is all the rage. Much like Florida, the cape is were Old people come to die. The cape is the number one Kennedy killer. The bullet that killed JFK really came from an old gay man from P-Town and Little Kennedy's plane was shot down by the Zionists at Otis air force base. There isn't much to do on the cape so most teenagers resort to poorly Brazilian made weed. Oh yea, that's right, the cape is filled with Brazilians. They mostly just take all the fat white chicks, marry them, then get green cards and skip back to Brazil. Also of note is Cape Cod Community College or "Triple C by the Sea" as it is known to faggots. It is known to be the state's highest concentration of retards and anyone who gets within 100 yards of it must be sterillized immediatly.
Below the cape are the Islands of Martha's Vineyard (pronounced "dah-vinyihd") and Nantucket. These are like the balls under the cape which kinda looks like a dick with a hard on. Martha's Vineyard is where the Kennedy's breed their sub-human race of politicians, and is noted for the place where Senator Teddy Kennedy got shitfaced, drove off a bridge, and left his girlfriend in the car to die while he went back to the party and continued drinking like it never happened. One might think that might influence the Senatorial vote, but no fahkin way. Nantucket is a smaller island than Martha's Vineyard which nobody gives a shit about.
[edit] Gay Head
Yes, there is actually a place in Massachusetts called Gay Head. Srsly. Little is known about this remote spot on the island of Martha's Vineyard, other than in 1669 the native inhabitants were all found at the edge of town, dead, arranged in a triangle, painted pink and with a sign that said "STAY THE FUCK OUT." It is widely believed that this is where the Gay Agenda is headquartered. The rest of Martha's Vineyard voted in 1997 to change the town's name to Aquinnah, but no one really cares about this.
[edit] Everett
Everett is the Brazilian capital of the world. The percentage rate of the White race in Everett is a whopping 2%. The city is obsessed with football and air conditioners. Everett is also filled with adoring fans of Slipknot and other bands guilty of faggotry. Everett was once a farming city. Then out of no where jocks and bisexuals infected with AIDS invaded. No one cares about Everett because it sucks. Also, Jews did 12/05 when they crashed a gas tanker into some poor wigger's triple decker house.
[edit] Worcester
[Incorrectly] pronounced "Whistah," people still debate whether Worcester (moar like JEWster, amirite?) is a real city or just a suburb that got out of hand. No one east (or west, or north, or south) cares about Worcester and generally wish that the next snowstorm would bury it under so much ice it'd never defrost. Worcester is easily the most jewed up part of Massachusetts (moar like FAGaJEWsetts, amirite?) as it has over 9,000 totally different streets with identical names which all go nowhere. It is, however, a good place to go if you're looking to have Nigras pawn off their hot CD players to you while you're in search of the nearest Chinese buffet (which happens to be in the Congo, in the heart of darkest MA-frica). If this is tl;dr for you, here's a quick summary: "FUCK JEWSTER." But there is a building called Stark Electronics, which is fitting as the entire city appears to have been built, in a cave, with a box of scraps.
[edit] Newton
Jews and rich people. A couple of shitty schools, too.
[edit] Wellesley
Wealthy looney-left oriented town located just west of Boston. Populated by mainly WASP's, 14 Jews and one (1) town council approved African American. Brazilians are allowed to work there but must leave by sundown or face prosecution. Home of the surly George Bush hating liberal soccer mom, town laws require "Obama for President" stickers on all Mini-Vans, Volvo's and Hummers. Wellesley is abandoned from June to September when all residents move to homes on Cape Cod. The only exception are "au pairs" hired by wealthy parents to raise their children, they can stay in town to party until the family returns home in August.
Wellesley is a dry town, meaning there are no liquor stores within its borders. Residents visit one of the 638 liquor outlets located on its border with Natick. It is the home of lesbian-only Wellesley College, whose famous Alma Mater include Hilary Clinton and Barney Frank. It also has the distinction of having the largest elderly blue hair population in America. "Blue hair" activities include dressing up like the Queen to go for lunch, cruising the streets at 7 mph while trying to remember how to get home and ragging on Jews and Gays for causing all the trouble in the world.
Famous people from Wellesley include Charles Emerson Winchester III from M*A*S*H and Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island.
[edit] Stupid Townie Fucks
While Massachusetts has no rednecks, they do have townies. Townies are the small-town losers that populate most of Massachusetts outside of Boston, generally referred to as The Boonies. Townies are often heard talking about a mysterious cousin named Eddie; it is assumed that this elusive Eddie is the binding factor between all townies, and is empirical proof that they're inbred freaks.'
Townies enjoy patronage of such pubs as The 99, a chain of high regard and caliber, and can often be found enjoying Sunday brunches at Bickford's (Bickfehds is the proper pronunciation), a fine chain of esteemed eateries which have been closing down left and right for health violations. The Piccadilly Pub, besides having a severely fucktarded name, is also home to many inbred Townies. Townies fill a large role in Massachusetts' 21st century economy of pharmaceuticals, defense contractors, and tech firms; the loading docks and bathrooms of these corporations would cease to function without them.
All townies are white. Even if they look like they may be Asian, Hispanic or Black, they're white. They all drive pickup trucks and work as blue collar workers in the construction industry. Quite often they can be seen driving on highways, staying exclusively in the left so as to not let anyone pass them. Be aware of passing them on the right, for they speed up, give you the finger and try to drive you off the road. Townies exhibit the most homophobia to be found in Massachusetts; this is invariably because they're all in denial. Due to this overcompensating homophobia, most of them haven't been to Boston since grade school, when they went for field trips, out of fear of being looked at passively or perhaps walking by a homosexual. However, because they secretly want to marry their friend Sully, they will rip on gays, then secretly vote for gay marriage so that they can justify it later as "hey, it's fukkin' legal, y'retahd. Go fuck y'selves."
[edit] Tahkin like ya frum Bahstin, Mass
Massachusettsanians have a unique dialect that only other Massachusettsanians can understand; this isn't because it's overwhelmingly hard to understand, so much as because the pitch that the human voice reaches when speaking this dialect has about the same effect as an icepick to the eardrum. Consider the following common words and terminologies:
Asking a Massachusettsanian to say "Park the car in Harvard Yard" is an old meme and not funny. You can't even park a fucking car in Harvard Yard IRL. Asking them to say this loosely translates to "Please kick me in the balls and then raep me in every natural opening on my body."
- Whereabous ya frum?: From where do you hail, kind sir/madam?
- Wikkid: particle to note that something is to a large degree; synonymous to very, extremely, madd, or teh.
- Retahdid: of dubious virtue
- Noah'eastah: a tenebrous sky
- Last in line f'eh the gang bang: to be lacking in conventinal knowledge; to be unfortunate.
- Get the fuck outta mai way: please excuse me
- Get the fuck outta mai wei: please refrain from having sexual intercourse with my Chinese girlfriend
- Ouw my fukkin' gawd: I am taken aback!
- Pissah: excellent
- ghay: of dubious virtue; alternately, from Cambridge, Allston, or Provincetown
- tawnik: a carbonated beverage; watersports
- No suh: Golly!
- Hoff: half (1/2)
- Khakis: What you use to start your car when you leave the bar drunk
[edit] Terrorism and Massachusetts
Massachusetts is well-known as a hotbed for terrorist activity, primarily because its pussy leftard citizens still insist on due process and constitutional rights for criminals. The planes used to rape America on 9/11 took off from Boston's Logan Airport, and much lulz followed, lol Iraq.
Massachusetts has a proud history of having homegrown terrorists create all sorts of mischief; as one can tell by the Boston Bread Riot, Boston Brothel Riot, Boston Anti-Impressment Riot, Boston Massacre, Knowles Riot, Shays Rebellion, Gentleman's Riot, Lawrence Textile Riot, Broad Street Riot (firefighters vs. funeral attendees, lol), Boston Anti-Loyalist Riot, Charleston Anti-Catholic Riots, Boston Police Strike, and Boston Race Riots, Massachusetts is l33t at getting drunk and fucking things up hardcore, second only to the Arabs. This most recently re-occurred in 2004 after the Red Sox won their first World Series in at least 100 years. To celebrate, the team's overly-enthusiastic fans went batshit crazy and burned half the city to the ground. Police had to put some Masshole bitch down with rubber bullets before the crowd would lose its Samuel Adams buzz and go home.
More infamously, the events of 1/31 transpired in Boston when sinister Lite Brites depicting Moninite Overlords Err and Ignignokt were placed all over the city to menace good Christian citizens, most likely by Boston's homosexual community but with innocent indie media outlet Cartoon Network as the scapegoat. See article: ATHF Terrorist Attack
[edit] Famous Massholes
Massachusetts, being the faggot capital of Amerikkka has spawned many gay ass celebrities and politicians.
- Henry David Thoreau lived in a shack by a pond and wrote a book about it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson created a popular series of children's books that centered around finding him in his signature candy-striped hat and sweater in various chaotic international locales
- JFK, president, pwned headshot
- Ted Kennedy, senator, got shitfaced and killed some girl. Also dying from a lulzy brain tumor.
- Ed Norton is a noted nazi, actor, and Wapanese. Desu!
- John Krasinsky Jim from The Office/fappage material for 16 year old girls
- Samuel Adams, l33t beer guy
- Paul Revere rode a horse through a town at night yelling at the top of his lungs. He later fronted a campy band in the 1960's, Paul Revere and the Raiders
- Dropkick Murphys shitty-ass punk band made up of drunken micks singing about incest, drinking, and jenkem
- Leonard Nimoy is the supreme god trekkie and a noted cosplayer.
- Timothy Leary took a lot of drugs and wrote some books about it.
- Jack Kerouac took a lot of drugs, drove around, and wrote a book about it.
- Denis Leary noted comedian and part time firefighter. Lives off of coffee flavored coffee and cigarettes.
- Ben Affleck is a total douche who has been in some movies thanks to his friend Matt and is fucking Jimmy Kimmel
- Matt Damon is a fag who got his idiot boyfriend into some movies
- B.J. Novak Blowjob Novak is the moronic executive producer of the office/gay lover of John Krasinsky.
- Jay Leno, not funny.
- Steve Carell not funny forty year old virgin.
- Conan O'Brien, not funny.
- Dane Cook, not funny.
- Steven Tyler is the most psychotically bicurious thing on Earth. He is famous for having a mouth that could swallow a Chinese baby in one gulp, wearing tight pants, and having a very fuckable daughter.
- Father Geoghan raped some boys with the blessing of Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
- Amelia Atwater-Rhodes is a young author who writes mallgoth vampire fanfics published in IRL format and is furcurious.
- Rocky Marciano only undefeated heavyweight boxing champion of the world, only to be pwned by an airplane
- Mark Wahlberg cock wrangler, underwear whore, and wigger
- bodyxpolitic Fetchfag
[edit] See also
| The United States of Encyclopedia Dramatica |
|---|---|
| States | Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | Delaware | Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine | Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire | New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island | South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennessee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming |
| Not a state yet | Australia | Canada | China | Cuba | District of Columbia | Iraq | Israel | Japan | Latin America | United Kingdom | Vietnam |
