Massachusetts
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is located in the US of A and is secretly the gayest state in the country. Although everyone knee-jerkedly accuses Kommiefornia (which has its fair share of conservatives, btw) of being the gayest state in the union, Massachusetts, or Mass as many people prefer to shorten it, is more than happy to let gays marry in holy matrimony in the name of our lord and savior Al Gore; as long as they aren't black that is. Cali, meanwhile, still says that they can go fuck themselves, but not each other.
Early History
Originally settled (for at least 100 years) by a tribe of Indians called the Massachusett, Massachusetts was discovered in the 1500's by ponces, wankers and prats from England, aka the Pilgrims, or the White Devil. Shortly after these settlers set about fagging the place up, a group of Puritans came and forced Jesus on the new colony, lulz. After successfully defagging the colony, the Puritans set about pwning all of the original inhabitants of the area via smallpox, alcohol and permabanning. During this period of time, there were numerous successfully violent raids for great justice on French-owned, mega-fag Canadia to its north.
Some time between ingen pwning and cock-gobbling, some 16 year old girl initiated the great Salem Witch Trials, officially closing down Salem resulting in epic fail for Masshole faggots.
When the Puritans got sick of their admins in England, they started a revolution to free themselves. The source of much lulz for a couple of years, the British were pwned out of Massachusetts Bay, vowing to come back to subvert them via gayness and furries at some point in the 20th century. This patriotic fervor is a rallying point for conservative rednecks all around the United States, despite the fact that they all hate Massachusetts for being so unabashedly liberal.
Middle History
With its massive population of disposable Irish and Italian immigrants as well as a large stockpile of escaped Negroes, Massachusetts became one of the most important industrial centers in the world. Transcendentalism, a precursor to hippy new age bullshit and paradoxically to agnosticism, started in Massachusetts at this time. Massachusetts was also a focal point of abolitionism and temperance: while about half of the state schoolmarmishly scolded the other half for indulging in booze and hookers, the other half decided it was time to throw down and IRL flame wars (as the internets had not been invented yet) erupted, prompting widespread pwnage and rioting.
This fueled in many ways to the American Civil War, where the North decided that they didn't like the backwater, cousin-marrying, nigga-owning ways of their southern subordinates, and the South decided they'd had enough of the limp-wristed, free-loving intellectual bullshit candy-pants faggotry from the pussies to the north. Inexplicably, these candy-pants faggots pwned the Southerners badly, and to this day, the white portion of the South is still butthurt. During this period, Massachusetts created the 54th Volunteer Infantry, the first time in the history of the world when black people were given firearms and told to go nuts; this is now widely regarded, in hindsight, as a big mistake.
Massachusetts had made a name for itself making shoes and textiles, but by the onset of the 20th century, most of these jobs had gone to Good Korea and Vietnam. Because of this, Asians are advised against traveling to any city in Massachusetts other than Boston, because angst against the yellow peril still runs deep in the boonies.
Contemporary Massachusetts
Starting in the 1960's, Massachusetts decided that they were going to push their liberalism on the rest of the nation and the Jewish Illuminati (in alliance with the Furluminati) put up charismatic pretty-boy Massachusettsanian JFK, who set about trying to get everyone to cooperate with each other, going to Ireland to get drunk, going to Germany and proclaiming "ich bin ein berliner...und mein shorts are too short," and fucking Playmates with fearless aplomb. He got pwned in Texas by the CIA, Freemasons, Shriners, Jews, Fags, Cubans, Commies, and your mom.
This was a minor setback for Massachusetts, who despite being fairly small in both landmass and population, has managed to weasel its way into all sectors of National Government.
Massachusetts is also one of the worst draconian states in the union when it comes to child support collection and related enforcement tactics. Semi annualy they post wanted posters near convenience stores in many towns. The posters have photographs as well of the delinquent dads who cant work even if they wanted to because the state suspended their drivers lic. and or occupational licenses for failure to pay child support-go figure! The Dept of Child Support's accounting methods are akin to nailing custard to a wall, thus resulting in many arrests of innocents. It was revealed in 1998 that at least 28% of paid support money did not make it to the custodial parent, It remained in the states coffers. DORCSE has been active even in extraditing debtors from other states to attempt collection while they are in jail-again go figure@#.Heck where else can you live where you buy a new car and have to take out a loan just to pay the excise tax to get it on the road. Planning on moving to the great Commonwealth of Ma.? Be advised!Its a twilight zone. Apartment buildings or rentals as we know them are rare in the state. Instead they have converted houses that are rented out to the best ass kisser that applies for tenancy to the rental room or apartment conversion, then be prepared to pay a hefty 1st, last and separate unit deposit fee that never gets back to you if you move. Also talk about being legislated to death!!! Christ your car better be inspected, tagged,current and insured or its off to jail you go!! where you get to watch the TV news crews and lawmakers cry and lament that they need more tax so they can build more buildings of incarceration to accomodate people that they arrest for things that quite frankly are akin to chewing gum in class and dont amount to anything except revenue for the state to help rehab violent offenders with early release to the streets. Yes its a paradise of grandeur and joy to reside in a community that measures you by what you have in your pocket and not in your heart.
Massachusetts is also the state in which Pedobear currently resides, because Massachusetts does not punish pedophiles.
Massachusetts: it's not just Boston, god damn it
Although most non-Massachusettsanians assume that Massachusetts is all Boston and New York is an angry stone-throw across a river, Massachusetts does have other cities within it. So that you can contribute correctly to any dinner conversations that deviate to the geography of Massachusetts, here are a few of the other, non-Boston areas of Massachusetts that are little-known but of utmost cultural importance.
Plymouth
Named for some britfag town, Plymouth is famed for a rock, and some moldy fake boat thats the flagship of the US Navy. Plymouth is like over 9000 miles wide, and is turning into a new hollywood, which includes a massive fag invasion and the building of a huge Walmart and Gap, the only stores fags shop at.
Revere
Named for the lead singer of the 1960's band The Raiders, Revere is located on the North Shore, which is North of Boston. Famous for local eateries that deep fry everything, and the most urbanized Townies in the world, Revere is best described as "wikkid pissah" buy its residents, and "wikkid retahdid" by everyone else. There's a wicked awesome supermarket there, according to rumor. Revere Beach is known for being an excellent alternative to a landfill if it's not trash day, or indoor toilet if yours isn't working. Revere is the perfect city to reside in if you're a cop killing Revere High wigger, but not if you're Danny Talbot.
Concord
Concord is where all the rich fucks that feel like they need to pay for an expensive mailing address go. The town's schools, public and private, are well known and have strong reputations; by the time of their high school graduation, 95% of students have reached a third grade reading comprehension level, and almost 60% are able to go about their daily lives without wearing protective helmets. Concord Academy has it's campus in this town, and the students will have surely fucked everything in town up again by the time they return this September. Concord has two main areas; Concord Center and West Concord. Residents of Concord Center rarely venture across route two to West Concord, citing rumors that a black family may have moved into the area. The town is best known as the home of Admiral Henry David Thoreau's Walden Pond. In 1842, Thoreau set out from the western side of the pond in a three hundred foot sailing ship on a voyage destined for East Asia, hoping to bring back child slaves for his shoe factory. Two years later, the ship was found adrift in the Mediterranean sea along the coast of Northern Africa, mysteriously deserted. Thoreau was never seen again. In 1951, Walden Pond was drained and filled in. Over the next twenty years, the area was paved over and converted to a commercial district. Today, the site where Thoreau's luxury brownstone once stood is occupied by a Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the town's residents unanimously agree that it is much better that way. Adjacent to Concord is the town of Acton. They are known for their schools, their love of fags and not much else.
Leominster
Second largest city in Worcester County. Pronounced "Lem-in-stah." Filled mostly with Wops, the French, Micks, Brazilians and spics. Used to be one of the leading plastic manufacturing cities in all the US; and is where the Pink Lawn Flamingo [1] was invented. Also the birth town of Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed used to wander the woods barefoot with a pot on his head planting apple trees where ever he went. It's worth mentioning that he is also town hero and city mascot of Leominster. But this doesn't mean people from Leominster are crazy.
Framingham
Home to moar Brazil fags than anywhere else in the country. Also has more shops than anyone would fucking need, there are actually more stores than people in Framingham. Home to the Natick Collection, a collection of stores typically called a mall, but due to elitist fags with a lot of money it is now a collection full of niggers and Jews. The only thing possibly worth saving is the Jordan's Furniture which is fashioned to look like Niggertown New Orleans before Katrina fucked everything up.
Fitchburg
AKA Shitsburg, this is the fucking worst city in the entire fucking world, Kabul included. It is full of low on the totem poll drug dealers, old residents who pine for the glory days and people on welfare. You can smell it from nearby Leominster. Everything is decaying in Fitchburg from the buildings, to the local paper that is run by a Nazi with a tiny penis and onto the crack whores' tits that have been gradually sinking to their navels since 1996.
Marlborough
Also known as Mahbro, Marlboro, or simply the Borough by niggers and spics. Marlborough is another example of a good suburb slowly being destroyed by immigrants to become just another shit hole. Marlborough was famous for using child-laborers to make shoes for the rest of the country. Marlborough is now a place of townie scum and rape unfortunately it is large enough to attract neighboring townies and immigrants causing the population to double in twenty years. Marlborough is actually home to some famous people including one of the bitches in Desperate Housewives. Unfortunately all former fame is gone and now it is home to many of Massachusetts' registered sex offenders.
Fall River
If you are a resident of Fall River, you are one of 5 things. A Puerto Rican, Black, Cambodian, Portuguese, or Irish. Most of this city is made up dirty fucking Portagees or Brazilians and you can't walk 15 feet without smelling their nasty fucking soups or seeing some old widow cunt dressed like a nun. All Pork and Cheeses are also Catholic and therfeore retarded.
Fall River was named after this really cool waterfall they paved over in the 1960s to make way for a City Hall building destined to collapse onto an interstate highway. Today its known for a boring Battleship museum and for the insane bitch Lizzie Borden who went Mike Myers on her parents out of angsty emo rage. Lizzie Borden was also secretly a lesbian and killed her mom for interrupting her and the maid making clam sandwiches.
New Bedford
Take elements from every terrible city in the world, including niggers, toxic waste, welfare, and fucking confusing streets and you'd get something that looks like New Bedford, the red-headed step child of Fall River. Famous in the past for being a hub for whaling, the city now depends on insurance claims from stabbings and what little tourism they can suck from the Cape to sustain itself. Every single road in this city is a one way and you will always end up somewhere near the atlantic or in the far north end because Massholes never signal and cut you off before you can make a turn onto the street you actually wanted. New Bedford also only has one bridge leading to nearby Fairhaven, which they love to open at 8:30AM during rush hour because some rich bastard from Hyannis wanted to sail up the bay and ruin your life.
For every stabbing in other Massachusetts cities, ten happen in New Bedford, usually at poorly lit dive bars or in the aptly named Shotgun Alley where people line up to get stabbed in the thigh. There is only one business in all of New Bedford that seems to care about security, a bait shop in the south end with a sign that states "This property is protected by doberman pinschers with AIDS."
Hudson
A Laughable town full of spics who actually think they have enough credit to establish gangs. Hudson is home to only 20,000 people but manages to have both the Crips and the Bloods. There are also some townies so proud of this place of rape they get H-Town tattooed on themselves. This place is so fucking small you can cover it's entirety on foot in under an hour. It consists of one rape infested main street with a number of branching streets each with it's own run down Catholic Church no longer running. You know a ton has failed when the hangout is a gas station and a Blockbuster.
Amherst
Amherst is the most annoying parts of Massachusetts put together, budget cut, and painted with mushrooms and swirles. Home to over 9000 colleges and universities, Amherst is full of cheap stores, college students and shits who think they are liberal. Don't go here. Unless you want drugs, underage sex or lots of talk with no political action.
Cambridge
The People's Republic Of Cambridge is the intergalactic nexus of all things Liberal. This is the town where the first gay marriage in the country was. Its also the location of the International Association of Indoctrination also known as Harvard. The average Cantibrilian, is a middle aged balding homosexual who wears socks and sandals and a ponytail in the back of his head. Avoid this town at all costs.
It can also be noted that Cambridge is the city where professor Gates was arrested on his porch for being a belligerent nigger who didn't know his place and who later got owned by every cop in America for demanding an apology from a white man.
Brockton
Just south of Boston, Brockton is home of 6 year olds sexually harassing each other, famous boxers Rocky Marciano and Marvelous Marvin Hagler, the annual fair where at least 2 girls a year get raped, niggers killing each other every summer just for the lulz, all the refugee criminals that are escaping the Boston PD, Cape Verde's second largest nigra population, and a crime rate that even keeps the criminals on edge.
Marshfield
Marshfield is a town rich in cultures and lulz. It's currently home to Unfunny actor Steve Carell, and to Mr. Mouth-big-enough-to-swallow-a-baby-whole Himself, Steven Tyler. When they're not making movies or doing drugs, Steve can be found taking jobs from the locals to buy a store he doesn't need and lounging on the beach with his wife dress-wearing husband. Steven has been sighted buying his pills under a fake name in the local CVS, but he was too fucking stoned to remember his fake name.
Marshfield is also known as the Shit town that people only like because there's a beach. Avoid going here if you hate wiggers and/or people that think they're the shit when they're not.
Lawrence
Lowell's bitch, full of spics. It's population's main income is welfare and drugs, although there is a thriving Barber Shop/Auto Accessory market. Exorbitant sums of government grant money has recently been used to build an enormous new High School, it has been historically unaccredited, and has 2,000 freshmen, 1,500 sophomores, 12 juniors and a graduating class of 2.
Care should be taken by the outsider when driving through Lawrence, as everyone from the smallest barely clothed children all the way up to the belligerent drunken day laborer, and everyone in between enjoys jumping into traffic without looking, double and triple parking(they think it's legal if the hazards are on), and opening doors into your moving vehicle.
All in all the city government is corrupt, it's school system broken, and it's residents the result. Rent is cheap, Restaurants ESL, police incompetent, drugs available, and stabbings plentiful. On Broadway st. in Lawrence, you can get a haircut at 23 different barber shops, a car stereo at 18 separate locations, Crack, weed, heroin, Dunkin' Donuts, a handgun, El Tipico, prostitutes, stabbed and arrested. On a half mile stretch of poorly maintained road.
Lowell
In the heart of the Merrimack Valley, Lowell is best known for its quality needle drugs and beautiful naturally occurring broken glass fields. Lowell's historic hypodermic needle mills attract over seven million tourists every year, providing an important boost to the local economy and allowing city officials to put tax dollars back in city residents' pockets which they promptly spend on heroin. There is also an infamous hooker hangout called MIDDLESEX STREET (cops made the whores move from appleton) where they charge as little as 50 cents for head.
Some stupid douchebag from Lowell was once a professional boxer, but then became a crackhead and had a documentary made about him in which he stole a bunch of golf clubs from Bradlees.
Lowell is also notable for being the capital of Cambodia, which is slightly further up the Merrimack.
Dracut
One of Lowell's nieghboring towns, Dracut is best known for all the hookers that go to school there. This could introduce kids to sex a bit early, since the town's only elementary, middle, and high schools all share the same block. (Architects are REAL fuckin' geniuses, amirite?)
Salem
A boring as fuck place to live in if you're not a Wiccan or a Spic. Once October ends, all means of lulz are blown to shit, except those fucked up psychics leaving severed raccoon heads on doorsteps for the lulz [2]. By mid-August, the tourists blunder in, leaving residents to want to beat Cho's score.
Springfield
The Second Boston, Springfield has the honor of being the most violent city in the country. This is where Boyz N The Hood was shot, and Ice Cube died. Has the Basketball hall of fame, which is closed, or at least blockaded. Avoid at all costs.
The Cape and Islands
The cape Is made of several things, wiggers, aids, fail, Old people, emos, and most importantly, gays. Basically, the cape is a smaller version of Massachusetts. This means that the minorities are packed tighter then a little boy's anus. Teh gays are up north in Province Town or as us cappies say "P-town", also known by the locals as "pickle point". Here urinating on each other is all the rage. Much like Florida, the cape is were Old people come to die. The cape is the number one Kennedy killer. The bullet that killed JFK really came from an old gay man from P-Town and Little Kennedy's plane was shot down by the Zionists at Otis air force base. There isn't much to do on the cape so most teenagers resort to poorly Brazilian made weed. Oh yea, that's right, the cape is filled with Brazilians. They mostly just take all the fat white chicks, marry them, then get green cards and skip back to Brazil. Also of note is Cape Cod Community College or "Triple C by the Sea" as it is known to faggots. For those who can count, its moniker (moar liek NOMiker, amirite?) is "Four Cs by the Sea". It is known to be the state's highest concentration of retards and anyone who gets within 100 yards of it must be sterilized immediately.
Below the cape are the Islands of Martha's Vineyard (pronounced "dah-vinyahd") and Nantucket. These are like the balls under the cape which kinda looks like a dick with a hard on. Martha's Vineyard is where the Kennedys breed their sub-human race of politicians, and is noted for the place where Senator Teddy Kennedy got shitfaced, drove off a bridge, and left his girlfriend in the car to die while he went back to the party and continued drinking like it never happened. One might think that might influence the Senatorial vote, but no fahkin way. Nantucket is a smaller island than Martha's Vineyard which nobody gives a shit about.
Gay Head
Yes, there is actually a place in Massachusetts called Gay Head. Srsly. Little is known about this remote spot on the island of Martha's Vineyard, other than in 1669 the native inhabitants were all found at the edge of town, dead, arranged in a triangle, painted pink and with a sign that said "STAY THE FUCK OUT." It is widely believed that this is where the Gay Agenda is headquartered. The rest of Martha's Vineyard voted in 1997 to change the town's name to Aquinnah, but no one really cares about this.
Taunton
No one gives a fuck about Taunton. They made some shit medals for the olympics and have a british flag in there center. Other than a giant fucking courthouse and Dunkin Donuts, Taunton is filled with homeless and blacks. Fun fact: Taunton High School is built on an ancient jewish burial ground.
Everett
Everett is the Brazilian capital of the world. The percentage rate of the White race in Everett is a whopping 2%. The city is obsessed with football and air conditioners. Everett is also filled with adoring fans of Slipknot and other bands guilty of faggotry. Everett was once a farming city. Then out of no where jocks and bisexuals infected with AIDS invaded. No one cares about Everett because it sucks. Also, Jews did 12/05 when they crashed a gas tanker into some poor wigger's triple decker house.
Worcester
Pronounced "Whustah," people still debate whether Worcester is a real city or just a suburb that got out of hand. No one east of this city cares about Worcester and generally wish that the next snowstorm would bury it under so much ice it'd never defrost. Worcester is easily the most fucked up part of Massachusetts as it has over 9,000 totally different streets with identical names which all go nowhere. It is, however, a good place to go if you're a nigger looking to pawn off your hot CD player while you're in search of the nearest Chinese buffet (which happens to be in the Congo, in the heart of darkest MA-frica).
Wellesley
Wealthy looney-left oriented town located just west of Boston. Populated by mainly WASP's, 14 Jews and one (1) town council approved African American. Brazilians are allowed to work there but must leave by sundown or face prosecution. Home of the surly George Bush hating liberal soccer mom, town laws require "Obama for President" stickers on all Mini-Vans, Volvo's and Hummers. Wellesley is abandoned from June to September when all residents move to homes on Cape Cod. The only exception are "au pairs" hired by wealthy parents to raise their children, they can stay in town to party until the family returns home in August.
Wellesley is a dry town, meaning there are no liquor stores within its borders. Residents visit one of the 638 liquor outlets located on its border with Natick. It is the home of lesbian-only Wellesley College, whose famous alumni include Hilary Clinton and Barney Frank. It also has the distinction of having the largest elderly blue hair population in America. "Blue hair" activities include dressing up like the Queen to go for lunch, cruising the streets at 7 mph while trying to remember how to get home and ragging on Jews and Gays for causing all the trouble in the world.
Famous people from Wellesley include Charles Emerson Winchester III from M*A*S*H and Thurston Howell III from Gilligan's Island.
Stupid Townie Fucks
While Massachusetts has no rednecks, they do have townies. Townies are the small-town losers that populate most of Massachusetts outside of Boston, generally referred to as The Boonies. Townies are often heard talking about a mysterious cousin named Eddie; it is assumed that this elusive Eddie is the binding factor between all townies, and is empirical proof that they're inbred freaks.'
Townies enjoy patronage of such pubs as The 99, a chain of high regard and caliber, and can often be found enjoying Sunday brunches at Bickford's (Bickfehds is the proper pronunciation), a fine chain of esteemed eateries which have been closing down left and right for health violations. Townies fill a large role in Massachusetts' 21st century economy of pharmaceuticals, defense contractors, and tech firms; the loading docks and bathrooms of these corporations would cease to function without them.
All townies are white. Even if they look like they may be Asian, Hispanic or Black, they're white. They all drive pickup trucks and work as blue collar workers in the construction industry. Quite often they can be seen driving on highways, staying exclusively in the left so as to not let anyone pass them. Be aware of passing them on the right, for they speed up, give you the finger and try to drive you off the road. Townies exhibit the most homophobia to be found in Massachusetts; this is invariably because they're all in denial. Due to this overcompensating homophobia, most of them haven't been to Boston since grade school, when they went for field trips, out of fear of being looked at passively or perhaps walking by a homosexual. However, because they secretly want to marry their friend Sully, they will rip on gays, then secretly vote for gay marriage so that they can justify it later as "hey, it's fukkin' legal, y'retahd. Go fuck y'selves."
Tahkin like ya frum Bahstin, Mass
Massachusettsanians have a unique dialect that only other Massachusettsanians can understand; this isn't because it's overwhelmingly hard to understand, so much as because the pitch that the human voice reaches when speaking this dialect has about the same effect as an icepick to the eardrum. Consider the following common words and terminologies:
Asking a Massachusettsanian to say "Park the car in Harvard Yard" is an old meme and not funny. You can't even park a fucking car in Harvard Yard IRL. Asking them to say this loosely translates to "Please kick me in the balls and then raep me in every natural opening on my body."
- Whereabous ya frum?: From where do you hail, kind sir/madam?
- Wikkid: particle to note that something is to a large degree; synonymous to very, extremely, madd, or teh.
- Retahdid: of dubious virtue
- Noah'eastah: a tenebrous sky
- Last in line f'eh the gang bang: to be lacking in conventinal knowledge; to be unfortunate.
- Get the fuck outta mai way: please excuse me
- Get the fuck outta mai wei: please refrain from having sexual intercourse with my Chinese girlfriend
- Ouw my fukkin' gawd: I am taken aback!
- Pissah: excellent
- ghay: of dubious virtue; alternately, from Cambridge, Allston, or Provincetown
- tawnik: a carbonated beverage; watersports
- No suh: Golly!
- Hoff: half (1/2)
- Khakis: What you use to start your car when you leave the bar drunk
- Mass debate: To pleasure onself.
- Bernie and Phyll's: Quality, comfort, and price that is nice.
If you REALLY want to talk like a Massachusettsian (You dont), just drop all knowledge of grammah and dont pahnounce ya ahs (R's).
Terrorism and Massachusetts
Massachusetts is well-known as a hotbed for terrorist activity, primarily because its pussy leftard citizens still insist on due process and constitutional rights for criminals. The planes used to rape America on 9/11 took off from Boston's Logan Airport.
Massachusetts has a proud history of having homegrown terrorists create all sorts of mischief; as one can tell by the Boston Bread Riot, Boston Brothel Riot, Boston Anti-Impressment Riot, Boston Massacre, Knowles Riot, Shays Rebellion, Gentleman's Riot, Lawrence Textile Riot, Broad Street Riot (firefighters vs. funeral attendees, lol), Boston Anti-Loyalist Riot, Charleston Anti-Catholic Riots, Boston Police Strike, and Boston Race Riots.
Massachusetts is l33t at getting drunk and fucking things up hardcore. This most recently re-occurred in 2004 after the Red Sox won their first World Series in at least 100 years. To celebrate, the team's overly-enthusiastic fans went batshit crazy and burned half the city to the ground. Police had to put some Masshole bitch down with rubber bullets before the crowd would lose its Samuel Adams buzz and go home.
More infamously, the events of 1/31 transpired in Boston when sinister Lite Brites depicting Moninite Overlords Err and Ignignokt were placed all over the city to menace good Christian citizens, most likely by Boston's Jewish community but with innocent indie media outlet Cartoon Network as the scapegoat.
Famous Massholes
Massachusetts, being the faggot capital of Amerikkka has spawned many gay ass celebrities, politicians and Encyclopedia Dramatica sysops.
- Henry David Thoreau: lived in a shack by a pond and wrote a book about it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson: created a popular series of children's books that centered around finding him in his signature candy-striped hat and sweater in various chaotic international locales
- Barney Frank: Did we mention that he's a gay Politician that had a crush on John Kerry? He is also the Chairman of the House Banking Committe...and other words, blame him for why nobody has any Fuckin money right now!
- John F. Kennedy: president, pwned headshot
- Ted Kennedy: Senator, got shitfaced and killed some girl. Got away with it. Also
dyingdead from a lulzy brain tumor while spending your tax money on building, maintaining, and renovating a holy shrine of himself. - John Adams: President, got cloned. Clone got a city named after him.
- Ed Norton: noted nazi, actor, and Wapanese. Desu! Fursona is a rhinoceros.
- John Krasinsky: Jim from The Office/fappage material for 16 year old girls
- Samuel Adams: l33t beer guy.
- Paul Revere: rode a horse through a town at night yelling at the top of his lungs. He later fronted a campy band in the 1960's, Paul Revere and the Raiders.
- Dropkick Murphys: shitty-ass punk band made up of drunken micks singing about incest, drinking, and jenkem.
- Leonard Nimoy: is the supreme god trekkie and a noted cosplayer.
- Timothy Leary: took a lot of drugs and wrote some books about it.
- Jack Kerouac: took a lot of drugs, drove around, and wrote a book about it.
- Denis Leary: noted comedian and part time firefighter. Lives off of coffee flavored coffee and cigarettes.
- Louis CK: An Irish jew comedian who mistakes white hipsters for niggers
- Ben Affleck: is a total douche who has been in some movies thanks to his boyfriend Matt.
- Matt Damon: is a fag who got his idiot boyfriend into some movies
- Steven Tyler: is the most psychotically bicurious thing on Earth. He is famous for having a mouth that could swallow a Chinese baby in one gulp, wearing tight pants, and having a very fuckable daughter.
- Father Geoghan: raped some boys in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
- Rocky Marciano: only undefeated heavyweight boxing champion of the world, only to be pwned by an airplane
- Mark Wahlberg: cock wrangler, underwear whore, and wigger
- Jay Leno: not funny.
- Steve Carell: not funny.
- Conan O'Brien: not funny.
- Dane Cook: not funny.
- Howard Jones: Evil twin brother of Happy Negro, sings up from for Killswitch Engage, is black, shares his name with a famous 80's pop artist
See also
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